AN: No, your not imagining things, this actually is an update! OK well this chapter is prob the turning point of the story. Umm yea, so thanks to all my reviewers, you guys are awesome! someone asked me to do longer chapters, so this one's a fair bit longer. eek, new episode of House tomorrow night! ok well, enjoy:

A soft tapping on the window woke Lily from a deep sleep one Saturday morning in early March. Lily rolled over and shoved her head under the squishy pillow. Consciousness was such an awful thing sometimes, but no matter how much she told it to go away, it kept pestering her.

"Bugger off," she groaned and squeezed her eyes closed, trying to force herself back into sleep. But as always, the harder she tried to slip back into her dream, the more awake she became.

Tap, tap. Sighing, Lily pushed her heavy duvet off and slipped her legs out of bed. Frowning, she opened the window and let in the owl hovering outside, which she immediately recognized as her own.

"What have you got there, Hamilton?" Lily cooed softly, pulling an envelope out of the sharp beak of her large Sooty Owl. Sliding a finger under the lapel, she opened the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of thin, scented paper, decorated with flowers. Frowning, she recognized the decorative handwriting at once: her mother.

"Great," Lily mumbled, sitting down on her bed and crossing her legs under the blankets.

Lily, darling, the letter read. I know it's been a while since I wrote last but I'm doing well. Anyway, I'm writing to let you know that Daddy's in hospital. He's been having a bit of trouble lately but I'm sure he'll be ship-shape in no time. Oh and I dyed my hair, darling. Isn't that wonderful? I thought I'd try for sandy blonde instead of platinum. After all, a bit of variety never hurt anyone. I wish you had lovely blonde hair like Petunia, but I suppose you can't help being red-haired. How's the diet going? I hope you're still following it! Remember, two meals a day, and only eat small portions. I don't know where you got that chubbiness from. Not me certainly. Well, must be off, darling. I have a women's association meeting and Petunia's coming along for the first time today. I didn't tell any of the ladies I had two daughters, because that would raise funny questions, so I suppose it was a good thing you didn't come home for Christmas. Love you lots, darling. Mummy.

Lily glared at the letter for a few minutes, then screwed it up and threw it across the room with a shout of rage. She could feel her eyes welling with tears. How did her mother always have this effect on her? Make her feel like dirt…. And her father – well she knew all too well what his "bit of trouble" was. He'd probably drowned himself in alcohol or overdosed, or something equally pathetic.

It was so unfair! All she asked out of life was a pair of normal, loving parents, and perhaps a sister who could stand to look at her once or twice. It wasn't that much to ask was it? Everyone else seemed to have that, so what had she done so wrong that meant she was denied this?

Lily got out of bed and pulled off her clothes angrily, and while doing so, caught sight of herself in the mirror. Stopping her messy search through her wardrobe, she turned and looked at herself in the long, floor length mirror. Cocking her head to the side, she considered her body. She was fine. She looked healthy, something her darling sister couldn't claim, with bones poking out under her thin, waxy skin. No, Lily thought she looked good: she had flesh. What was so wrong with that?

Lily punched out at the wardrobe angrily then gasped and clutched her hand. Bloody hell! She hopped around for a few moments, clutching her throbbing hand and cursing under her breath.

An hour later, fully dressed, Lily entered the common room, finding it scattered with half a dozen Gryffindors. She'd missed breakfast. Mum would be proud, Lily thought angrily. All in all, it wasn't a great start to her Saturday. Plus, she had three hours of Potions with Potter that evening. This would be their fifth session together, and, Lily hoped, their last. James had been quieter with her lately, not pestering her and only speaking to her in a civilised way. He was feeling guilty about his mistake, she knew, but he wasn't the same. She missed the constant jokes and attention but at the same time, felt stupid for missing them. Laughing bitterly to herself; she knew her craving of attention could probably be thoroughly psychoanalysed and of course the root cause would be her parent's lack of love. In her attempt to find love, she'd search anywhere possible.

Shaking her head in disgust, Lily stood and left the common room, not meeting anyone on her way outside. All day, she sat on the grounds by the lake, occasionally feeding grass to the giant squid, or changing positions to move out of the cold wind. This always happened. Whenever she got a letter from her mum, she ended up reconsidering her whole life, analysing every aspect of it and trying to find answers that just weren't there. She didn't even know the questions, but she just knew there was something out there, something she was missing and she had to find it.

Maybe James' lack of teasing and joking at her expense had brought them closer. Great, she thought, back to that. But it was true. Their weeks spent together making Infinito Incendio in the evenings had taught her to like him as a person. He was working hard, that was obvious, and when he spoke he was polite and respectful. Not that he'd become boring and awkward around her, it wasn't like that. He still laughed with her and gave her little smiles that he seemed to keep just for her. But maybe that was the thing right there: he was laughing with her now, not at her. Maybe he'd grown up. Or maybe he was just trying to win the bet: trying out new tactics. Lily couldn't tell and she was past the point of regretting the bet. She'd gone further than regret because, she figured, maybe that was the one thing she was lacking: love. But she wouldn't take James' because she'd lose. Her pride stood in the way of everything. Blocked out her feelings and even tainted her rational mind. All the while she'd believed he was the arrogant one, he was the proud one. But what if she was wrong, and it was her, not him?

Sighing, Lily stood and massaged her temples. She'd given her brain a thorough workout and she was ready for the cool easy logic of potion making. Checking her watch, she noted that she was still an hour early, but it didn't matter. It was getting cold outside and she was, at least, guaranteed an hour of alone time in Slughorn's dungeon. And that's what she wanted: to be alone. Only for a day. Tomorrow would be fine, it always was, but for today she had to be alone, had to focus on herself.

---

Lily was angry. More than angry, completely and utterly livid. Which wasn't a good thing when she was dealing with an extremely dangerous potion at its most delicate stage. He hadn't come. Just hadn't shown up.

"The potion has to be completed by 8 o'clock on the day of the half moon, Lily," Slughorn had said, his face plastered with worry for her. "I'll go and look for Potter, you get started."

So now Lily was on her own in the dungeon, carefully pushing a thin glass tube through the waxy skin which had formed over the potion. It wasn't dangerous anymore, and would only catch fire if lit with a match, but it was extremely delicate. Moving the tube to her left hand, she picked up the small bottle of Veela tears and carefully, carefully poured some into the tube. The potion under the skin began to bubble. Bugger. Moving to put the bottle down, her left hand slipped, causing the tube to rip a tear in the waxy seal, allowing the air to get into the Potion. Lily let out a small moan and felt her bottom lip begin to tremble. The Potion was bubbling up ferociously now, and Lily covered her head just in time as the greasy liquid exploded all over her and the classroom.

---

"Where is he?" Lily demanded angrily, leaning across the table and glaring at the two boys. Remus and Sirius gaped at her and leaned backwards, frightened by the grease covered monster in front of them.

"Who?" Remus asked, finding his voice before his friend.

"Potter. Where is he?"

"Dunno. He had a meeting with Dumbledore earlier this evening, but haven't seen him since then," Sirius said.

"Lily, calm down, and tell us what happened," Remus said gently.

"That git Potter decided not to show up this evening and he left me alone to finish our Potion. Only I didn't finish it! You want to know why? BECAUSE IT EXPLODED ALL OVER ME!"

"He might be in the common room," Remus said quietly as he and Sirius drew back from her.

"Thanks," Lily muttered, turning to go.

"Lils, wait," Remus said and she turned to face him. "Scourgify," he said, waving his wand at her and removing the potion from her robes and skin.

"Thanks," Lily said again and hurried out of the Great Hall. She took the marble staircase two steps at a time and reached the Portrait Hole, panting slightly.

"Are you alright, dear?" The fat lady asked, but Lily ignored her, panting, "Frogspawn" and climbing through the portrait hole. A quick scan of the crowded common room showed James was not there. Her blood still fizzing with anger, Lily strode over to the boys' spiral staircase and hurried up them. The door to the sixth year's dormitory was closed but she pushed it open and glanced around the room for James.

There he was. Lily opened her mouth to yell at him, but then took in his appearance and stopped. He hadn't looked up when she burst through the door. He was sitting in the corner of the room, his legs drawn up to his chest, his face buried in his knees. She couldn't see his face, but his shoulders were shaking as sobs racked his body.

"James," Lily exclaimed, a soft wave of panic washing over her as she hurried to him and kneeled down beside him. Still, he didn't look up, and Lily pulled him to her, rubbing his back soothingly and making soft noises to calm him. "James, what's happened?"

His head was buried in her shoulder and Lily could feel him shake it and instead of speaking, thrust a piece of paper at her.

Drawing back, she took the crumpled parchment from his hand and smoothed it out. It read:

Dear Albus,

You-know-who attacked again last night, this time killing two of our most prominent members of society. He took the lives of Prudence and Luke Potter, and I am leaving you to tell their son, as you knew them better than I. I'm terribly sorry for your and the boy's loss; I know you were very close to them.

Yours truly,

Mr. Gregroy Prosser

Head of the Department for Aurors

Lily felt her breath catch in her throat. "James, I-I don't know what to say," she whispered. He finally looked up at her and shook his head.

"It's not fair, Lily," he whispered in a hoarse voice, barely recognizable as his own. "They can't be gone. They just can't."

Still, Lily didn't know how to comfort him, what to say. She wanted so badly to make it all better, to just take away the pain, but she couldn't. There was no way to comfort him, no way to go back and change what had happened. Instead, she wrapped her arms protectively around him and sat with him, holding him, until she lost track of time.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to them. Stuff like this shouldn't be happening. Of course, Lily knew all about Voldemort, knew how much devastation he was causing, but it felt as though it was happening in another world, not hers. But now…poor James. It wasn't fair. Why had his parents been targeted? What had they done?

---

"I heard his parents died."

"He doesn't look to good, does he?"

"Are they going out?"

Lily glared at the goggling group of Gryffindor girls (AN: like my alliteration? ;D) and led James out of the portrait hole and through the chilly corridors. She'd stayed up late with him last night, both holding each other and rocking gently, until Sirius had come up to the dormitory.

When Sirius found out the news, the boys clung to each other, not in the masculine slap on the shoulder hug, but desperately as though clinging onto each other would bring them closer to the two people they both loved and needed. It was the hug of two brothers and Lily, feeling awkward, left them alone.

"I'll go home tomorrow," James said once they were seated by the lake which was reflecting the steely grey sky. "For their…their funeral, and to sort out all the legal stuff." He ran a hand through his dishevelled hair and turned to her. "I'm sorry about the potion."

"It doesn't matter," Lily said, meaning it. "Honestly, I don't care."

"I want to kill him, Lily," James said quietly, lowering his eyes. "I've never wanted to kill anyone before. Not even Sirius and he's pretty good at getting me worked up."

"How is he? Sirius, I mean?"

James shrugged. "Angry. I think it's the only way he knows how to let his feelings out. He keeps everything bottled up and gets into these deep depressions which are always followed by fits of rage."

Lily rubbed his shoulder gently and he smiled at her, wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer. "I want them back," he admitted quietly. "I know it sounds stupid and obvious, but I've never wanted anything this badly." He paused and looked at her in a way that made her stomach flip. "Well, that's not exactly true. I've wanted some things pretty badly."

Leaning forward, Lily pressed her lips gently against his, and even as she was doing it, she knew how inappropriate, how stupid it was. She drew away quickly, feeling the heat flood her face, but James muttered, "don't", and pulled her back against him then kissed her deeply, lovingly, sweetly, the way he'd always wanted to kiss her, the way she deserved to be kissed. Suddenly James realised that Lily hadn't been whispering into his ears, she'd been whispering comforting words straight into his heart. And her kisses…that wasn't his lips she kissed. No, it was his soul.

Right, first of all, if you want to know why Lord Voldy decided to kill the Potter parents, read my other story "The Only One he Ever Loved". It's not bad! Ok next chapter will hopefully be funny again and contain a ridiculous amuont of fluff. Comments, suggestions, and ideas are always greatly appreciated. flames, not so much, but if you feel it deserves a flame, be my guest. anyway...best be off. thanks everyone for reading! PLEASE REVIEW!