The Akatsuki RP of DOOM

by Veleum

Not really but, a fun RP with a crapload of humour, sexiness and fun. ItachiXKisame, DeidaraXSasori, KakuzuXHidan, ZetsuXZetsu, One sided TobiXZetsu and a heap of others. Enjoy! :D Plot differs from chapter to chapter

4. The Akatsuki day care centre!

Part 4: The Akatsuki day care centre!

Next day:
Leader: Okay, all set.
(There is a massive blood painting on the ground of seals and spells)
Leader: Okay, Itachi and Zetsu, you need to put the two in the middle. I'll take care of the rest.
(Both do so)
Leader: Ookay ... steps forward and starts to make seals

Itachi: He knows what he's doing, right?
Kisame:glances over to Itachi If he manages to mess this up, then you can skin him alive, okay?
Itachi: glare I hope you're not joking, because I'll do it.
Kisame: snicker Of course not. We can make Akasahi jackets out of the skin.
Sasori:hissing Be quiet, both of you, or I'LL turn you into puppets. Leader-sama needs to concentrate.
Itachi: glares, but stays quiet
(Sir Leader meanwhile executes the seals of the aging jutsu, and the blood paintings on the floor began to retract toward the two children as they grow larger
Itachi: staring intently toward the children with Kisame's arm around his shoulders, keeping him from running out as soon as the blood seals fade
Zetsu: standing on the opposite side the room, inclines his head to one side slightly
Tobi: hissing beside him You're sure you're alright with this, Zetsu-san? Think of all you're going to miss! Hana's first word, her first steps, baby pictures!
Zetsu: Tobi?
Tobi: Yes?
Zetsu: Leader-sama needs silence.
Tobi: Oh...right. .
Leader-sama: Okay, it's safe for you take your children back now.
Tobi: FINALLY! races out to go pick up the now larger bundled blanket that is Hana (because if they just set the kids out in their clothes, they would have ripped during the aging process, right?)
Itachi: rams him out of his way, having also made a dash for the kids after the jutsu was over One side, boyscout.
Kisame: following behind at a slower pace Uh, sorry about that Tobi. ;
Tobi: on the floor Ow...
Itachi: scoops up the dark blue bundle and peels back the edge of the blanket
Kisame: So how is he?

Elsewhere:
Deidara: to Hidan You know there's something that's always bugged me about big sealing processes like this, un.
Hidan: Whatever could that be?
Deidara: toeing the formerly bloody floor Where does Leader-sama get all the blood, un?
Hidan: Hm, actually, I don't know...
Leader-sama: still standing in the middle of the room, tries to take one step and then collapses on the floor
Hidan: LEADER-SAMA!
Deidara: Oh, that's where, un.

Akasahi: looks up and grins Hi, mum!
Itachi: jumps ...are you alright?
Akasahi: Yes, I'm fine.
Kisame: peers over Itachi's shoulder Woah ...
Akasahi: Hi dad! ...Why are you staring at me?
Itachi: lets out a sigh You're alright, that's good ...
Kisame: Can you walk?
Akasahi: I'll try wiggles out of Itachi's arms and takes a step, then another
Itachi: It actually worked ... Thank god.
Akasahi: Are you okay, mum?
Kisame: Heh, he's just worried about you.
Itachi: Glares

Tobi: Zetsu, is she okay?
Zetsu: She is fine, see for yourself.
Tobi: peers into blankets
CRUNCH
Tobi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHE BIT ME AGAIN!
Hana: snickers I wanted to get your mask off, uncle Tobi.
Tobi: That's no reason to bite me!
Hana: I like your blood.
Tobi: backs away

Hidan: Oh that's good. He just needs to rest for a bit.
Deidara: Wow, but to think our leader would just fall over like that, un.
Hidan: He's human, you know, and any human would pass out from that much blood loss.
Deidara: ... poke
Leader: grabs wrist
Deidara: EEP! He's awake!
Leader: Don't touch me, Deidara.
Hidan: Do you need any help getting up, sir?
Leader-sama: pulling himself into a siting position Get me a band-aid though. And something sugary.
Deidara: Sugary?
Leader-sama: gives the 'I'm-the-Leader-do-what-I-friggin'-say' look
Hidan: I'll, uh, go get that for you, sir. walks off
Deidara: What about me, un?
Leader-sama: standing up and elevating one of his hands Why don't you go acquaint yourself with one of the children? You and Sasori are first up for babysitting.
Deidara: Are you sure you're not going to fall over again, un?
Leader-sama: shoos him away and walks off (hopefully Hidan will find him with that band-aid later)

Far Side of the Room:
Itachi: cautiously monitoring Akasahi's progress around the room Not too fast, you're legs aren't used to walking yet.
Akasahi: Don't worry mum, I'll be careful!
Itachi: to Kisame: Why does he keep calling me that?
Kisame: ...asks the man still lactating.
Itachi: glares I mean it, we haven't even explained how the pregnancy worked!
Kisame: snicker Leader-sama said that he would make sure Akasahi and Hana received the basic amount of knowledge for their age group, maybe he thought you would appreciate him taking care of that detail for you.
Itachi: ...
Kisame: Not happy being the mum?
Itachi: I'm fine with it.
Kisame: You're sulking.
Itachi: Am not.
Kisame: chuckling Y
Deidara: Hi guys:D
Kisame: Hello, Deidara.
Deidara: How's your baby, un?
Itachi: He thinks I'm a woman.
Deidara: giggle
Itachi: glares vehemently
Deidara: Has he met Hana yet, un?
Kisame: Hm...don't know, Leader-sama might have included that in his automatic knowledge.
Deidara: Let's find out, un! turns around without waiting for approval HEY, ZETSU! COME OVER HERE!
Zetsu: Yes?
Deidara: Hana needs to meet Akasahi, un!
Kisame: Now that you mention it, I don't think I've seen Hana yet.
Zetsu: I think she's cornering Tobi.
Itachi: Sounds charming.
Deidara: I'll go get her! walks off to go save Tobi
Kisame: to Zetsu I'm surprised that you're so accepting of Hana's...relationship to Tobi.
Zetsu: So long as she gets her nutrition.
Kisame: ...right.
Deidara: Got her!
Hana: Hi, dad.
Zetsu: Hi, Hana. Wipe your mouth.
(Deidara sets Hana down while Kisame goes to get Akasahi)
Itachi: Where's Tobi?
Deidara: He said he needed some alone time, un.
Itachi: That's comforting...
Kisame: comes back with Akasahi and puts him down in front of Hana Alright, Akasahi, this is Zetsu' daughter, Hana. Do you recognize her?
Akasahi: blinks at Hana, then turns to stare at Itachi She smells like boyscout blood, mum...

Middle of room:
Hidan: runs back Here's the bandaid and a pack of jelly beans, Leader-sama!
Leader: takes them Thanks.
Hidan: Why would you need sugary things, Leader-sama?
Leader: eats the jelly beans Increase my sugar level, of course.

Far side of the room:
Itachi: Just say hello. She won't eat you.
Akasahi: Hello smiles
Hana: Hiya! looks around Hey ...
Akasahi: Yeah?
Hana: whispers in his ear
Akasahi: giggles that sounds fun! Hey, mum?
Itachi: Yeah?
Akasahi: Can I play tag with Hana and Tobi, pleaaaassssseee?
Itachi: ... I don't think so.
Akasahi: But MUM!!
Itachi: You've only just come out of the jutsu. You can play tomorrow.
Akasahi: Okay!
Kisame: kneels So you're Hana! Hello :)
Hana: Oooo you're a shark!
Kisame: Part shark, yes.
Hana: all round eyed as she looks over the stranger Wow! Do those gills work?
Kisame: Yup!
Hana: Woaaah!
Akasahi: I've got gills too! points to his set
Itachi: smirks You'll get something better in a couple of years.
Akasahi: What's that?
Itachi: shows him his Sharingun These. It's called the Sharingun.
Akasahi: stares at his mum's eyes Wow, those are beautiful!
Itachi: ...turns a little pink Y-you think so?
Akasahi: Yeah! nods happily Mummy has pretty eyes
Itachi: picks him up Thanks.
Zetsu: Hana, time to go.
Hana: Awie, okay dad.
(They both head off with a frightened Tobi running ahead)
Deidara: Aww, Hana is sweet, un!
Kisame: Except when she tries to eat Tobi.
Deidara: I'm sure Zetsu will train her.
Kisame: Heh, I hope so, or Tobi's going to get eaten.
Itachi: sigh Come on, Kisame.
Akasahi: Yeah, I wanna play dad!
Kisame: chuckles Coming.
Itachi: Oh, and Akasahi?
Akasahi: Yeah?
Itachi: I think 'dad' needs to explain to you just how you were born. evil grin
Akasahi: Wasn't I born normally?
Kisame: pales and gapes at his partner
Itachi: You'll see soon enough

Fifteen Minutes Later:
(Kisame walks into his room)
Itachi: Where's Akasahi?
Kisame: In the bathroom. I thought it would be a good idea to wash him off, in case any of Leader-sama's blood wiped off on him.
Itachi: He's in there alone:O
Kisame: tsk Of course not, Tobi was in there recuperating, so I asked him to watch him while I went for a change of clothes.
Itachi: Oh. Good.
Kisame: chuckle Itachi, you're starting to look like the kind of mother who stalks her children on their way to school.
Itachi: ...sulk I'm just concerned for him. This is a dangerous environment for a child.
Kisame: Not that dangerous...so long as we're not being attacked. Everyone here is either a genius or prodigy at something
Itachi: mutter Geniuses that can accidentally have Akasahi devoured, poisoned, or blown up. And just wait, Hidan's going to start going on about what religion to bring him up in. I can tell by his shifty eyes!
Kisame: smothers another laugh Well, besides Hidan, my point is no one here is stupid enough to let anything happen to him and give you a reason to kill them.
Itachi: I still like that skin-jacket idea. finally smiles at his partner (well...much as Itachi DOES smile), and changes the subject Have you explained things to Akasahi yet?
Kisame: cough About that...don't you think that five is a little young to have THE talk?
Itachi: How old where you when you started having sex, again?
Kisame: ...well played.
Itachi: smirk

In the Bathroom:
Kisame: Hey, Tobi! How was he while I was gone?
Tobi: Oh, Akasahi was fine! A relief, actually. It was nice to hold a child who didn't wonder how my blood would taste on ice cream.
Kisame: awkward blink Um...that's good then...?
Tobi: Oh, yes! starts stroking his hand as he walks away Yes, yes it was. Very good...
Akasahi: Hi, Dad:D
Kisame: is shaken out of momentarily contemplating Tobi's mental state Hey there, shrimp. Ready for your bath?
Akasahi: Yeah! The tub's full, and uncle Tobi said that he could get me this special bubble stuff, but first he had to get it out of this guy's locker, and he said he would only do it if I promised not to tell, and NOW MY BATH SMELLS LIKE THE BLOND 'SPLODY MAN!
Kisame: That's nice. starts taking Akasahi's clothes off and puts him in the tube
Akasahi: happily dunks his head under the water, and comes up sputtering
Kisame: chuckle You know, the suds from Deidara's bubble bath make it difficult to use you gills.
Akasahi: Aw...!
Kisame: Don't worry, you can always use them next time. cough Now then, your 'mum' wanted me to explain...something to you.
Akasahi: Huh?
Kisame: Well...I didn't count on this being the first conversation I had with you, son, but I guess it's kind of amusing. ; Now you see, when a man and a woman love each other very, very much...

Back in Kisa and Ita's Room:
Knock, knock, knock
Itachi: gets up to open his door Yes?
Hidan: Good afternoon, Itachi!
Itachi: ...Hello, Hidan.
Hidan: I was just wondering, if you wouldn't mind me asking, with your son being in such a young and impressionable age, what are your plans for--
SLAM!
Itachi: walks back to what he was doing

Back in the Bathroom:
Kisame: And in most cases, that's how babies are made.
Akasahi: D:!
Kisame: Any questions? Good. now how YOU were born was a little different. You see, when two SHINOBI love each other very much...

Zetsu and Tobi's Room:
Knock, knock, knock.
Zetsu: Yes?
Hidan: Hello, Zetsu! I was just walking by, and I was wondering, with Hana being at such a young and impressionable age...
Tobi: AHHHHH!! I think it's infected now! Zetsu! SAVE MY HAND!
Hidan: And she seems to have such a natural gift for destruction, you see...

KisaXIta's room:
Itachi: Hmm ... looking though some books on forbidden jutsu Well, that's unique.
(Reads about a male pregnancy jutsu)
Itachi: Guys who can get pregnant, intentionally. I wonder if they know how painful it would be.
(hears laughing from the bathroom)
Itachi: turns around Hm ...

Bathroom:
Akasahi: Are you serious dad?! Mum really did that?! laughing
Kisame: grinning Yep. The thing no one could figure out was how he stayed that way once he turned back into a guy. But the result is sitting right in front of me.
Akasahi: So was that how Hana was made too?
Kisame: Nope, she's a totally different matter as well.
Akasahi: Oh, that would explain why she doesn't smell like the boyscout.
Kisame: Y-You thought TOBI would-
Akasahi: Tobi has a crush on the plant man. It's so easy to tell.
Kisame: slaps forehead and laughs Gods, and here I was thinking Itachi was bad XD
Akasahi: Mum was bad? blink
Kisame: No, 'mum' had a crush on me.
Akasahi: Really?
Kisame: Yeah, amazin' huh?
Akasahi: I guess ...
(Itachi walks in)
Itachi: What ARE you telling him?
Kisame: What you asked me to, of course smirks
Akasahi: Hi mum!
ITachi: blink ... turns to Kisame then-
Kisame: He likes calling you that, don't ya?
Akasahi: Yup! Because mum is prettier than dad, so you should be the mum
Itachi: ...sigh Alright then. Come on, lets get you dry and dressed.
Akasahi: Okay!

Zetsu & Tobi's room:
Hidan: ... so those are our rules! Think you can handle it, Hana?
Hana: Um ... I don't think I like it much ...
Hidan: looks like he got shot OH THE PAIN!!
Hana: O.O
Zetsu: I don't think she wants to be a part of Jashin.
Tobi: Tough luck.
Hidan: TT ... walks out, dejected
Tobi: OW! My hand ...
Zetsu: wrapping it up You need to be careful. Hana's teeth are sharp.
Tobi: mutter If she didn't bite me so much then I wouldn't need to be grumble grumble grumble

Hidan & Kakuzu's room:
Hidan: enters Why must I be cursed? Why, god, why?!
Kakuzu: Why the melodramatics?
Hidan: sniff Neither of the kids are interested in religion! What is it with children these days?!
Kakuzu: Only idiots like you get involved in religon, Hidan.
Hidan: ... That's it, no sex for a week.
Kakuzu: O.O! ... That's harsh.
Hidan: HMPH! turns around, strips RIGHT in front of Kakuzu's face and then heads to the shower
Kakuzu: ...has unconsciously dropped his magazine ...damn you ... gets up to follow him...
"Kakuzu! What are-!"
BANG!
grunt
"Oooh ...okay okay ..."
moan
bump, bump, bump

On the Way Back to Kisa and Ita's Room:
Akasahi: trotting alongside Itachi Hey, mum?
Itachi: Hm?
Akasahi: Did you ever have a crush on dad?
Itachi: No.
Akasahi: pause Are you sure?
Itachi: Yes.
Akasahi: But dad said
Itachi: Are you sure that you heard correctly? glances sharply toward Kisame, walking on the other side of Akasahi
Akasahi: He said that before I was born, you had a big
Kisame: cough I...think I left something back in the lockerroom. I'm going to go get it now. . ; starts walking away
Itachi: glares after him
Akasahi: So, DID YOU, mum?
Itachi: ...I'll tell you when you're older.
Akasahi: Aw, but why not now?
(Down the hall, Hidan and Kakuzu exit the bathroom)
Akasahi: stares Mum, why are those guys cuddling?
Itachi: glances back toward his comrades Because Hidan is very affectionate after...
Akasahi: Sex?
Itachi: Yes.
Akasahi: So, is he going to have a baby now?
Itachi: No, one of them would have had to turn into a woman in order for that to happen.
Akasahi: blink Then how did they have sex?
Itachi: That's a question for your father. stops, turns and calls down the hall Hidan?
Hidan: Yes?
Itachi: Watch Akasahi for me. starts walking down the hallway toward the bathroom again
Hidan: ...okay? Itachi is already past him
Kakuzu: Didn't he just come from the bathroom?
Hidan: Must have left something. grabs Kakauzu's sleeve and hurries down the hall to catch up with Akasahi
Hidan: Hey, little guy!
Akasahi: How do boys have sex?
Kakuzu: OO Leader-sama said he was five, right?
Hidan: smiles at Akasahi and pulls out a notebook from inside his cloak Well you see, there are multiple positions that you can choose from...

In the Dormitory Hall:
POUND, POUND, POUND!
Sasori: turns away from adjusting his puppet with annoyance to answer the door What is it?
Tobi: leaning on the door jam with a washcloth pressed to the side of his head S-Sasori?!I need you to do something for me.
Sasori: ...Deidara didn't blow up your spare masks again, did he?
Tobi: NO! I need you stitch something up for me.
Sasori: But you haven't been assigned any missions, why would you?
Tobi: takes away his washcloth She bit off my earlobe this time! It's gone! LOOK! There's a gapping wound where there should be a lobe:0
Sasori: Are you SURE you're a shinobi? Hana's only five years old, and she's taken how many bites oout of you?
Tobi: Please, can you just close the wound?
Sasori: sigh All right, come in.
Deidara: mixing clay on his own side of the room What's going on, un? Why are you taking out your first aid kit?
Sasori: Hana bit a part of Tobi's ear off.
Deidara: Ew.
Sasori: And it just so happens that our medic is on a mission. takes out a long needle and sterilized thread that would usually be used for sticking up damaged human-puppets I don't have anything to numb you with, this will probably hurt.
Tobi: Um, okay.
Sasori: angles needle out of Tobi's sight I'm also not used to working with a conscious subject, so hold still.
Tobi: O.O Um, well, if you think I can survive without tr AHHHH!!!!

Later:
Hana: It wasn't me, uncle Tobi, I swear!
Tobi: Hana, it's okay if you bit me. I really don't mind, just don't lie about it, okay?
Zetsu: Actually, she's telling the truth. I bit you.
Tobi: O.O!

Bathroom:
Kisame: Oops, I guess I talk too much ;
Voice: Kisame ...
Kisame: freeze Uuh ... turns around slowly
Itachi: evil grin on his face Now ... what was it you said about a crush to Akasahi?
Kisame: Oh ... uh ...
Itachi: steps closer So, why did you tell him?
Kisame: stepping backwards Uuh ... gotta ... go ... NOW! starts running
Itachi: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!

Crash
bang
snarl

Outside of Bathroom:
Hidan: ...and so, that's how!
Akasahi: O.O ...
AAAAAHHH!!!
Kakuzu: What do you think they are doing in there?
Hidan: I don't think it sounds good ...
(opens door)
(Itachi is straddling Kisame and is holding his fist in the air)
Itachi: smirks I know something that would be more suitable punishment than violence ... leans down and whispers in Kisame's ear how about no sex for a week?
Kisame: O.O! Okay, I'll be good, I promise!
Itachi: Okay ... smiles lightly Akasahi?
Akasahi: Yeah?
Itachi: Do you mind if uncle Hidan looks after you for the rest of the day?
Akasahi: Yeah! It'll be fun!
Itachi: Nods Hidan?
Hidan: I can teach him some-
Itachi: NOT religion. I will kill you.
Hidan: But Itachi-
Itachi: NO.
Hidan: sigh alright already ...
(closes door)
Itachi: Now ... grins evilly at Kisame What should I do with my shark?

Saso and Dei's room:
Sasori: Are Itachi and Kisame at it AGAIN?
Deidara: They love each other, it's so obvious, un.
Sasori: Yeah, but they should keep it to their room ;
Deidara: Have YOU ever thought about trying it in new places, un?
Sasori: turns pink Deidara! I am not that perverted!
Deidara: Heeey ... slides over to him Wanna do it in the closet?
Sasori: NO!!

Zetsu's room:
Tobi: Y-you mean-? You too Zetsu-san?!
Zetsu: ...
Tobi: scared ... I-I don't mind that you l-like people that way, but just don't eat me!! Please!
Zetsu: ... sigh alright ... I will not bite you anymore. Hana?
Hana: Me neither, Uncle Tobi.
Zetsu: Alright?
Tobi: phew Okay ... thankyou ...

Back in the Hall Again:
Hidan: Now, what should we do with you until your parents are done...interacting?
Akasahi: I'm hungry, Uncle Hidan.
Hidan: Okay, lunch then.
Loud moan from the lockerroom
Kakuzu: Better go now. .
Hidan: Right. bends down and picks Akasahi up so that they could walk faster
Akasahi: What?

Meanwhile:
Tobi: outside the kitchen Come on, Hana, let's find you some non-bleeding foods to eat.
Hana: Okay, Uncle Tobi.
(They go in, and Tobi snatches up the first thing he sees on the counter
Tobi: Alright, we'll start with this. It's called an apple.
Hana: takes a bite ...Don't like it.
Tobi: Um, okay. No apples. goes to open the fridge and paw through it's contents What else can we try...
Hana: How about this? points to a plastic-wrapped package
Tobi: No, that's a pound of hamburger meat. Maybe we can make that for dinner, but until then we should just try small things HANA, DON'T OPEN IT!
Hana: has bitten through the plastic with her overdeveloped-carnivore teeth But I like it! licks her lips
Tobi: But it's RAW!
Hana: What's that?
Tobi: It means it's been dead too long for you to lick the blood off the plastic. Here, maybe we can cook some of it
Hana: But I like it now, it's cold and juicy!
Tobi: But you'll get sick, and then Zetsu will get worried!
Hana: pout

In the Bathroom:
Deidara: pounding on the door from the hallway You guys! Open up! Sasori left his headache medicine in there, un!
five second pause
Deidara: I'll blow up the door!
Sasori: more distantly No, you wont.
Deidara: I'll pick the lock, un!
Sasori: And the chain?
Deidara: Um...
Kisame: Maybe we should just slip Sasori's pill under the door?
Itachi: Mmm...get up, and I'm only going to tackle from behind.
Kisame: Fair enough. snuggle

10 minutes later:
Kisame: Dude ... so that's what it's like ...
Itachi: Heh ... I hope you're sore in the morning.
Kisame: That's not nice!
Itachi: smirk Then you're not nice to me everyday.
Kisame: I make sure to pamper you, thanks.
Itachi: Hn. gets up and hops into bath Well, get in.
Kisame: ...gets in What are you-?
Itachi: comes up behind him and washes his back
Kisame: Oh ...

Hidan & Kakuzu's room:
Akasahi: Woah, so this is your room?
(Room is covered from everything religion related on one side, to the other being bare except a massive glass case holding a 1$ note from every shinobi country)
Hidan: Yep! Kakuzu likes his side all bare and boring, but I like my colour points to the crimson walls
Akasahi: Mum likes red too!
Hidan: Aah, so we do have some common ground!
Akasahi: Um ...
Kakuzu: Hidan, stop torturing the child.
Hidan: I am not! That's unfair!
Kakuzu: Kid, I'll teach you how to invest your earnings the right way. It you would kindly-
Hidan: Itachi said NO!

Back in Dei and Sas's room:
Sasori: Aah, much better!
Deidara: Um ... danna?
Sasori: Yeah?
Deidara: How were you able to eat those tablets when you don't have a stomach?
Sasori: ...

Later:
Deidara: About time you came out of the bathroom, un.
Itachi: Hn. walks by without clear comment
Kisame: Yeah, sorry about keeping it busy. Were the pills we passed out to you guys okay?
Deidara: Fine. It turns out that danna doesn't have a stomach, un.
Kisame: Then why did he...?
Deidara: That's what I asked, un! I swear he's getting old, un, he's already forgetting that he's a puppet!
Kisame: Uh...yeah... starts walking away
Deidara: Kisame...are you limping, un?
Kisame: stop, cough Sprained my ankle.
Deidara: Right, un. turns around and walks back into his room, yelling, "Hey, Sasori! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHO'S BEEN TOPPED!"
Kisame: ...
Itachi: smirks from inside their bedroom

Back in the Kitchen:
Hana: Uncle Tobi, I'm booooored!
Tobi: We'll go somewhere else in just a minute, Hana! We can't leave until we clean up this mess you made of our pantry.
Hana: You said you wanted me to try new things. defensive sulk
Tobi: sigh We're almost done, we're almost missing one thing... grumbles as he picks up an torn plastic package I thought I told you that eating that hamburger meat was bad for you.
Hana: I didn't eat it.
Tobi: But then, points to places where the plastic was punctured who bit through this plastic?

Elsewhere:
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan? My tummy hurts.

Deidara: Sasori! SASORI!!!
Sasori: WHAT?!
Deidara: Kisame got topped! Kisame got topped!
Sasori: You sound like a broken record. And you say I- pauses did you say KISAME got topped?!
Deidara: Yep! I can tell!
Sasori: He must be on a ga-ga streak because he has a son now.
Deidara: Um ... danna?
Sasori: What?
Deidara: What's a ga-ga streak?
Sasori:...

Kitchen:
Hana: Akasahi ate it.
Tobi: AKASAHI?! How did he get in here?
Hana: He snuck in when I was trying the new food!
Tobi: I see ... still, he must have been fast ...
Hana: Uncle Tobi?
Tobi: Yes, Hana?
Hana: I'm still hungry.
Tobi: O.O

Hidan's room:
Hidan: Your stomach hurts? What did you eat?
Akasahi: I think it was called hamburger meat ...
Hidan: ...don't tell me you ate it raw ...
Akasahi: If you mean it was red, then yeah ..
Hidan: O.O
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan?
Hidan: TT Itachi is going to murder me ...

Itachi: growl
Kisame: Something wrong?
Itachi: My killing instincts are going off.
Kisame: Odd...I wonder why.

Hidan's Room:
Hidan: Akasahi, if you were hungry you should have told me!
Akasahi: Sorry...
Kakuzu: walks in
Hidan: Do you know what to do about salmonella?
Kakauzu: Why?
Hidan: Akasahi--
Kakuzu: You let him eat raw meat?
Hidan: I didn't "let" him, he did it one his own! What should I do? Itachi's gonna kill me if he see Akasahi throwing up!
Kakuzu: Tell him "Good luck."
Hidan: Kakuzu!
Kakuzu: You can always cut him open.
Hidan:...
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan...? I think I want my mommy...

Kitchen:
Tobi: rubs fingers nervously Okay...well, why don't we look in the fridge. Um...CHEESE! How about cheesy?
Hana: Um...okay.
Tobi: relieved sigh Good, let's see if you like it.

Itachi: glare Hidan better be looking after Akasahi, or ...
Kisame: Do you think that's why ...?
Itachi and Kisame look at each other
Both: Oh shit.
both head off

Elsewhere:
Hidan: sweating hard Uuuh ... what are we going to do?!
Kakuzu: Ask our medic?
Hidan: Yoshi? (fake name, so kill me :P) I dunno ...
Kakuzu: May as well.
Hidan: Alright fine, I'll go get her. leaves
Akasahi: Ugh ...
Kakuzu: ... Dammit. Now I'm stuck here.

Kitchen:
Hana: eats the cheese ... It's not bad ...
Tobi: sighs in relief good, you like dairy food, now letssee ...
Hana: But I like blood better.
Tobi: O.O!!; .. Hana, please, I'll die if you keep trying to eat me, then there will be nothing left to eat, will there?
Hana: I guess not.
Tobi: So you need to eat normal foods too, okay?
Hana: nods I'll try!
Tobi: phew Now, lets try for some sweet foods ...

Hidan: GASP!
Kakuzu: What is it?
Hidan: My something's-gonna-kill-me instincts are going off.
Akasahi: What?
Hidan: Er-nothing. turns to Kakuzu I need you to go distract Itachi.
Kakuzu: You think Itachi's going to come storming down the hall just because you suddenly got an urge to shudder?
Hidan:glares Well, if you'd rather take care of
Akasahi: ...Uncle Hidan?
Hidan: Just a moment, Akasahi. I'm arguing with Uncle Kakky
Kakuzu: Wait a minute, now you're teaching him to call me
Hidan: But it's such an adorable name for you
Akasahi: UNCLE HIDAN!!
Hidan: Yes? There's no need to yell
Akasahi: clutching his stomach I think I'm gonna...
Hidan?
Akasahi: BLEHH! keels over and vomits
Hidan: O.O
Kakuzu: ...I'll go distract Itachi. .

In the Hallway:
Kisame: What's wrong now?
Itachi: has stopped suddenly in the middle of the passageway ...I think I need a bigger weapon.
Kisame: Excuse me?
Itachi: Instinct. Hand me the Samehada.
Kisame: Uh, I don't think you'll really be able to use it too wellHEY!
Itachi: has gone behind Kisame and unstrapped the sword anyway Alright, let's go. starts stomping down the hall
Kisame: gaps a minute at the sudden loss of sword Where did THAT come from? O.o

Hidan: OhshitOhshitOshit pats Akasahi on the back Okay ... get it all up!
Akasahi: bleagh ...
Hidan: Eep ...
Akasahi: I don't like ... raw ... meat ...
Hidan: I don't blame you.

Hallway:
Kisame: Aren't you overreacting to this a little bit?
Itachi: dragging Samehada along No.
Kisame: You're going to damage my sword.
Itachi: I will not! glare
Kisame: sigh
Kakuzu: Itachi?
Itachi: What have you done to Akasahi?!
Kakuzu: Nothing? ...Why are you carrying Samehada?
Itachi: ...
Kisame: ...Where's Hidan?
Kakuzu: Putting Akasahi to bed for a nap.
Itachi: thinking Why do I get the distinct impression I'm being lied to?

Inside Hidan's room
Hidan: holding back Akasahi's hair At least it's in the bucket now.

Hidan's Room:
door knocks
"Hidan?"
Hidan: Yoshi! gets up and runs to open the door Thank God!
Yoshi: My someone's-gonna-get-killed senses were going off.
Hidan: Right now you are the single most beautiful person in the world. :3
Yoshi: ;
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan? My mouth tastes bad now.
Hidan: Just a second, Akasahi. to Yoshi Do you know what to do about salmonella?
Yoshi: Well, how bad is it?
Hidan: Er...
Yoshi: Usually salmonella is classified by frequent vomiting, and in worse cases, diarrhea.
Hidan: Well, at least he's not that
Akasahi: O.O U-Uncle Hidan?
Hidan: Yes?
Akasahi: I...need to use your bathroom. .

In the Hallway:
Itachi: Move.
Kakuzu: Sorry, can't.
Itachi: raises eyebrow
Kakuzu: You'll wake the kid up.
Kisame: winces for Kakuzu ("He is so going to die...")
Itachi: raises sword I. Will.Not. Now, MOVE!
Kakuzu: Excuse me for not being convinced...
Itachi: What was that?
Kakuzu: .

Hidan's Room:
Yoshi: Oh dear ... sighs
Hidan: starting to panic You can heal him, can't you? If Itachi sees him--
Akasahi: throws up again
Yoshi: I can, but he needs to get all the raw meat up first before I can.
Hidan: Er, how long will that take?
Yoshi: Possibly an hour.
Hidan: O.O!!!!
(Yoshi and Hidan look at each other)
Hidan: I'm going to die, aren't I?
Yoshi: Yes you are.

In the Hallway:
Itachi: death glare You seriously think I'd wake my own SON up?!
Kakuzu: Well ...
Itachi: raises sword
Kisame: Oh shit palms face
Itachi: swings sword down
Kakuzu: holds up armsItachi: AAAAHHH!! drops sword
Kisame: What happened?
Itachi: It spiked me!!
Kisame: --; I guess Samehada doesn't like you very much.
Kakuzu: thinking 'I'm still alive ...?'

In the Hallway:
Hana: from further down the hallways: Hey, Uncle Tobi! He just threw away his sword, can I have it now?
Tobi: No, Hana--wait! Don't touch, you'll get hurt!
Hana: running up the hallway Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hoshy-gaky.
Itachi: growl
Tobi: trudging wearily after the little girl; looks over the scene Um...are we interrupting something?
Kakuzu: No.
Itachi: Yes.
Tobi: ...looks to Kisame for an unbiased answer
Kisame: Everything's fine, Tobi.
Tobi: Oh. Good. Um, I was looking for you actually. You see, I was in the kitchen, and I think that Akasahi might have accidentally gotten into some...well, hamburger meat.
Kakuzu: O.O;
Tobi: Raw hamburger meat, and I'm not sure, but I think--
Kakuzu: Where'd Itachi go?!
from down the hall: YOU POISONED MY BABY?!

Inside Room:
Akasahi: I just got a weird feeling...Mom's gonna do...something... .
Yoshi: Oh, isn't that cute? His instincts are starting up already.
Hidan:...

In the Hallway:
Kisame: picks up his sword and re-attaches it to himself Oh god ... Kakuzu? Is Hidan in your room?
Kakuzu: Uh ... yes ...
Kisame: Oh shit.
Tobi: O.O Did ... I say something wrong?
Kisame: Itachi is going to murder Hidan. hurries off
Tobi: ...Oops.
Hana: Um ... Uncle Tobi?
Tobi: Yes?
Hana: Why is Akasahi poisoned because he ate that yummy meat?
Tobi: Uh ... ;;;
Kakuzu: Tobi, that child is insane. runs after Kisame

Hidan's Room:
Yoshi: What's that noise?
Akasahi: It sounds like ... Mum.
Hidan: O.O!!!!!
Yoshi: You better hide-
Itachi rips the door open, looking like a bat out of hell
Itachi: HIIIIIDDDAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!
Hidan: eeeeeppppp ...

several bloody minutes later

Hidan: sporting a black eye, several bruised limbs and a broken nose Owww ...
Kisame: --; Itachi, you overdid it.
Itachi: still seething HE TRIED TO KILL MY BABY!!
Kisame: It was an honest accident.
Itachi: snarl
Yoshi: turns to Itachi Akasahi should be better soon, so you don't need to beat up anyone else I'll have to heal. continues working on Hidan's nose
Akasahi: Woooww ... Mum, you're really scary and strong!!
Itachi: growls

Sometime later...
Leader: So you attacked Hidan over food poisoning?
Itachi: growl
Kisame: Hidan didn't really mention anything at first, we were...pretty worried about him. .
Leader: raises eyebrow "We"?
Kisame: Well, um...
Akasahi: Daddy had to pull Mom off uncle Hidan before he DIED.
Kisame: cough
Leader: Ah, I see... looks toward Itachi And he's fine now?
Akasahi: I feel great! The lady with the flower in her hair said that all the meat came up, and she doesn't even think I' going to have diy-ar-me poo... pronunciation problems
Kisame: Yes, he's fine.
Leader: And Hidan is...?
Kisame: Being treated for the broken bones right now.
Leader: You realize that even with Yoshi working on him, he's going to be resting for at least a few days?
Kisame: wince Yeah.
Leader: And that I needed him and Kakuzu out on a mission tonight?
Itachi: He should have thought about that before he let Akasahi wonder off in the kitchen.
Leader: annoyed vein pop Of course, Itachi. But even so, we can't afford to have this delay. I've been putting aside missions for as long as possible to accommodate your...circumstances, but now we have to get back to work.
Kisame: exchanges "What?" look with Itachi: Sir?
Leader: I want the tow of you ready to take Kakuzu and Hidan's mission tonight.
Itachi: WHAT?
Akasahi: being held by Itachi, winces
Kisame: also startled Isn't it a bit too soon to go send us out? You know...glances toward Akasahi
Leader: He'll be here when you get back. Now, go find pick someone to watch him for you while you're gone.
Itachi: hiss
Leader: That's final, now go.

Outside in Hallway:
Itachi: snarling under his breath Sending me out on missions ... leaving Akasahi here ... growlsnarlgrowl
Akasahi: being held by Kisame Um, dad ... looks worried
Kisame: He'll be fine. But ...
Akasahi: Dad?
Kisame: sigh I guess it can't be helped. We need to find you a babysitter.
Itachi freezes
Akasahi: Oh, how long will you be gone?
Kisame: Just for the night, by the looks of it. We just need to assassinate someone in the River country, so it shouldn't be too long.
Akasahi: Woooow ... you and mum must be strong to be able to kill someone!
Kisame: grins Two of the strongest in the world, son. Your mum IS the strongest.
Itachi: grins to himself
Akasahi: Woaaah ... does that mean I'll be strong someday?
Kisame: I hope so But for now ... Itachi?
Itachi: glares I don't want to leave him here with one of the others.
Kisame: But we can't take him with us. He's only five.
Itachi: snarls I know that! But ...
Kisame: Let's leave him with Zetsu and Hana. Zetsu is a parent as well, surely he'll be reliable.
Itachi: huff ...

Zetsu's room, 10 minutes later:
Kisame: ... so could you look after him for the night?
Zetsu: I guess. Hana?
Hana: Yes?
Zetsu: Do you want to play with Akasahi for a little while?
Hana: Sure! Aka-chan, come on! grabs the boy's hand as they run down the hall
Tobi: Wait a minute!! chases after them
Zetsu: They'll be fine.
Itachi: glares at everything ...

Hidan and Kakuzu's Room:
Kakuzu: walks in So, how's your nose?
Hidan: is feeling along it gingerly Healed. Yoshi took care of it for me before she left.
Kakuzu: I just found out that Itachi and Kisame are taking over our mission.
Hidan: What about Akasahi?!
Kakuzu: shrug They'll probably be leaving him here. Oto's no place for a toddler.
Hidan: Especially not Itachi's toddler. I wonder who Itachi chose...?
Kakuzu: sigh Not you.
Hidan: glare

Zet and Tobi's Room:
Zetsu: grabs Tobi I think you've done enough today. Go lay down.
Tobi: But what about the kids?
Zetsu: I'll take care of it.
Tobi: O.o But Zetsu-san, I don't think I've ever seen you try to take care for children.
Zestu: I'll figure it out.
Tobi: still looking uneasy O...key...
Zetsu: I'll be fine.
down the hall CRASH!
Tobi: O.O!

Sasori and Deidara's room:
Deidara: Un ... did you hear a crash just now?
Sasori: Yeah, it was from the kitchen.
Deidara: Maybe someone's cooking?
Sasori: I wouldn't know, or care. goes back to his puppet
Deidara: I'm gonna check it out, un! takes off
Sasori: Wha- sees the door close ... dammit. Follows him

In the Kitchen:
Hana: So you're saying your mum knows how to make cookies?
Akasahi: Yeah! Daddy told me one time he woke up and mummy smelt like cookies, and mum told him that he had made some! (idea from 'Under the cobwebs' XD)
Hana: Are cookies nice?
Akasahi: I dunno, wanna make some?
Hana: Alright, as long as I can add some blood.
Akasahi: But ... cookies don't have blood in them.
Hana: Dammit.
Akasahi: Okay ... so lets grab this bowl ...
(reaches up to grab the bowl on the bench, and it falls) CRASH!
(A moment later, Zetsu phazes in)
Zetsu: What are you doing?
Akasahi: I wanna make cookies ... um ... Uncle plant-man.
Zetsu: My name is Zetsu.
Hana: Muuuummm! runs over Can you help us make cookies?
Zetsu: Do you know the recipe?
Akasahi: Mum said it was in a book around here somewhere.
Zetsu: Okay .. picks up Akasahi and sits him on the bench I'll find it. You stay here.

Zetsu's room:
Tobi: Oh ... I hope Zetsu is looking after them! I don't want Itachi to kill me!!!

Elsewhere:
Kisame: looks over at his partner, who is very tense and not paying the slightest bit of attention to the guards they are supposed to be analysing hisses Itachi!!
Itachi: jumps, then glares What?!
Kisame: Come on, lets focus on the mission! Akasahi is fine!
Itachi: ... fine glares

In the Kitchen
Hana: whispered to Akasahi while Zetsu is hunting out the recipe book So where are your Mommy and Daddy?
Akasahi: They went to go ass-sin-ate someone!
Hana: Cook! pause What does "ass-sin-ate" mean?
Akasahi: ...I dunno.
Hana: Hey, Akasahi?
Akasahi: Hm?
Hana: straight faced Why do you have two parents?
Akasahi: flustered like his dad Um...Well, you see...
Hana: slow blink
Zetsu: I found it-
Hana: still blankly Dad, why don't I have a Mom?"
Zetsu: unflustered You didn't need one.
Hana: I want one though. Akasahi has one.
Zetsu: Akasahi doesn't come from an asexual background.
Sasori and Deidara come in
Deidara: Is everything alright in here?
Akasahi: Hi, Uncle Pretty-Man!
Hana: still talking to Zetsu What does asexual mean?
Zetsu: It means-
Deidara: Don't talk about sex with a little girl, un!
Zetsu: ...
Sasori: ...
Akasahi: I know about sex!
Deidara: ...
Tobi pokes his head in
Tobi: Zetsu-san, I heard a crash. Did Hana break some-
Zetsu: to Hana Tobi can be your mother.
Hana: Yay!
Tobi: What?!

Hana: Rushes to Tobi Hello mummy:D
Tobi: Wha-? looks at Zetsu and blushes under his mask Uuh ... hello Hana ...
Deidara: snickers

About 5 hours later:
Itachi: walks down the corridors, very tired, and holding his arm, wincing every so often
Kisame: Itachi?
Itachi: sighs I'll be okay ... knocks on Zetsu's door
Zetsu: opens Itachi. Akasahi is in your room. Tobi's watching him; he should be asleep.
Itachi: nods, then walks to Kisame's and his room. Walks in
Tobi is resting in his chair, but jolts up when Itachi walks in. Akasahi is in Itachi's bed, fast asleep. On the bedside table is a tray of cookies, two glasses of water and a note
Tobi: Oh, you're back! I'll go now.
Itachi: nods and Tobi walks past, seeming quite calm
Kisame: Looks like no one threatened to eat him tonight smiles
Itachi: Yeah ... finally relaxes, and goes over to the tray and picks up the note. Then he completely freezes
Kisame: Itachi? goes over and looks at him Are you okay?
Itachi: holding the note in stunned hands
Kisame: frowns, and takes the note and reads in messy, childish writing:
'me and Hana Hana and I made these with plant-man
Zetsu and boy scout Tobi for you. I hope you
like them!
Aca Akasahi'
Kisame: Aww, that's adorable! Itachi---er, Itachi?
Itachi: attached himself with one arm to Kisame's cloak He wrote me a note! That's ...
Kisame: grins at the irony Heh, you're becoming a really cute parent, Itachi
Itachi: snaps head up and glares I am NOT!
Kisame: Shhh! motions to bed
Itachi: instantly shuts up
Kisame: Come on, lets fix your arm, have something to eat and go to bed, okay?
Itachi: But ... glances at his son
Kisame: Come on, cute-mummy snickers
Itachi: glares and gets out the bandages, handing them to his partner