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Sezza43 – I'm very honored that you, as a die-hard candy girl, decided to read this. Thank you!!

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Chapter 4

1983 – 18 years prior to the accident

"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round..."

The world was spinning, the air playing seek and hide in her long dark hair. Her warm laughter filled the air as she watched her surroundings fade into a blur. She bit down the nausea. She wasn't going to get nauseous. She was going to prove to Maria that she could ride this carousel without getting nauseous. She didn't like it when Maria teased her for being a coward. She giggled as Maria stepped up to the carousel and she saw her flash by in a blur of colors.

The pressure over her chest took her by surprise and her eyes drifted closed as she leaned forward in pain.

"Lizzie? Are you okay?"

She heard Maria's voice, but she couldn't answer. Her chest was hurting, as were her left arm and her shoulders. She started to feel lightheaded and it didn't stop even though Maria stopped the carousel from spinning.

"Mia...my chest hurts..."

"I'm getting Mrs. Parker. Okay, Lizzie? Stay here."

But the little five-year old was already fighting to just stay conscious. She faintly heard her mother's voice, but she just sounded so far away. So far away.

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Present time - two years after the accident

"Hey sweetie. Are you hungry? You are hungry, right?"

She got a loud satisfied purr in response.

"Honey, what are you doing up here? You know what Kevin thinks about that. He doesn't like that."

She gently pushed the cat away from the can she was in the middle of opening. The cat meowed and looked up at her expectantly.

"Yes, you're getting the food," Liz smiled.

As she pulled out the drawer to get a spoon, she heard the front door open.

"Honey, I'm home!"

"In the kitchen!"

Kevin walked into the kitchen with a big smile on his face.
"Hi honey," he pecked her on the cheek.

"Hey," Liz answered, "How's work?"

"Good, good," his eyes drifted to the cat stroking against Liz shoulder, "Liz, you really shouldn't let the cat walk on the counter. You don't know what germs she could be carrying around. We have food on this counter-"

"Kevin," Liz sighed, "I know, she's an indoor cat. Whatever she's carrying can't be that bad."
Kevin watched her as she loaded cat food on the cat's plate. "I'm just...looking out for you, you know?"

Liz forced herself to smile. "I know."

She sighed inwardly as Kevin took a hold of the cat and put her on the floor.

"So, how has your day been?" Kevin asked.

"Fine. I've been taking it easy and gotten pretty much everything done."

"Have you taken your pills today?"

Liz grimaced. She had the sudden urge to pull off her arm and start chewing on it in frustration. That would've been more pleasant than for the umpteenth time hear that question move over her boyfriend's lips. Like she would ever forget to take the pills that could mean the difference between life and death. But no matter how much she wanted to yell at him for being so overprotective it was almost suffocating her, she knew that he was only doing it because he was worried about her. He was looking out for her. But his "looking out for her" was slowly driving her mad.

"Yes," she answered, her tone a little shorter than she intended it to be.

"Did you call Dr. Stevens and make that appointment?"

"Yes," Liz answered and moved away from him to put the plate on the floor. Kevin, though, seemed oblivious to her distant and cool tone.

"Good."

Liz straightened up and put the spoon in the dishwasher. "There's dinner in the fridge for you."

"Oh, thank you," Kevin said, "I'm gonna go and change."

"Mmm." Liz put the can in the fridge.

Kevin stopped in the doorway. "Are you feeling okay?"

Liz looked up at him and immediately felt guilty for acting as she did. Softly, she answered, "Yes, Kevin. I'm fine, thank you."

"You look tired. What have you been up to today? You haven't exerted yourself too much, I hope."

"No, Kevin. I've been working."

"You've been working?" The surprise was clear and Liz sighed despite herself.

"Writing," she answered.

Kevin didn't consider her writing to be work. When she had been sick it had been the only thing she had been able to do and it had saved her mind on more than one occasion. Early in life, she had decided that she wanted to write. It was her dream. Her passion. But Kevin had never understood that. At first, he had accepted it because it had brought Liz some sense of peace and he had more or less considered it to be a hobby. He often asked her if she was going to start looking for a job soon. He couldn't accept that her job was to write. That all she ever wanted to do was to write. His inability to understand that it was such a big part of her soul was getting on her nerves.

"Oh, that," Kevin said. "You know, I talked to Jennifer today and she told me that they were looking for a waitress at Sunset. I know that waiting tables is not much, but at least it's a start."

Liz had to bit her lower lip to stop herself from telling him what really was on her mind. "No, I don't think waiting tables is my thing."

"Okay then," Kevin smiled and disappeared into the bedroom.

Liz closed her eyes and tried to relax herself by taking deep breaths. It wasn't working. She needed to get out of there.

"I'm going out!" she yelled towards the bedroom as she grabbed her coat.

"Where are you going?" Kevin asked.

"Maria's," Liz answered shortly and the door slammed shut behind her.

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"Hi girlfriend," Maria said as she opened the door and found Liz standing there, fiddling with her car keys.

"Hey Maria," Liz said, still not meeting Maria's eyes.

"So, what's up?" Maria asked casually.

"May I?" Liz motioned towards the living room.

"Oh, sure, sure," Maria stepped aside to let Liz enter the apartment. She frowned as she watched Liz's fidgety behavior. She knew Liz well enough to know that she was upset. And it wasn't really a difficult science to figure out what had made her so upset.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Liz looked up and gave her something that was probably intended to be a smile, but the attempt failed miserably. "I'm great."

"So... what are you doing here?" Maria asked suspiciously.

"I just wanted to...you know, hang out," Liz said, "Do I need a specific reason?"

"Did you and Kevin have a fight?"

"No," Liz answered lightly and moved into the kitchen. Maria folded her arms over her chest and watched Liz as she opened the refrigerator door and started to rummage through its contents.

"That's right. You and Kevin don't fight. You quasi-fight."

"Huh?" Liz opened the freeze and asked distractedly, "Do you have any ice cream?"

"Oh yeah, you had a fight."

Liz picked out the ice cream box and sighed. "No, Maria. We didn't have a fight."

"That's the problem! You don't fight!"

Liz frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean," Maria said, but decided to spell it out for her anyway, "Don't you think it would be good for you if you cleared the air sometimes?"

"We clear the air," Liz objected, opening the drawer in the search of a spoon and held up a spoon for Maria in question. "You want some?"

"Sure," Maria answered, taking a deep breath. "Liz, you're, like, the queen of avoiding arguments."

Liz laughed nervously. "I am not. So, how did that lecture go today?"

"See, there you go."

"What?" Liz asked innocently.

"Avoiding an argument," Maria said. "If you can't tell him what's bothering you, at least tell me."

Liz sighed. "There's nothing to tell. Let's just talk about something else. I need to talk about something else, Maria."

Maria shook her head at Liz's pleading eyes. "Nu-uh, you need to get this off your chest,

Liz," She raised her eye-brows suggestively, "We have ice cream..."

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"So, spill," Maria said, plunging her spoon in the ice cream box.

They were seated on Maria's bed, the ice cream positioned between them.

"Umm...there's really nothing special going on," Liz said evasively.

"Okay, I'll go," Maria said, "Have you told Kevin what you feel?"

"Yes, I've told him," Liz said.

"Then tell him again and make him understand this time."

Liz sighed. "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"He's only concerned about me, Maria. He's concerned about my health."

"But you're fine now, Liz. He doesn't need to be watching you every second any longer. And even if he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart, it's still tearing you apart. You need to tell him."

"I'm gonna hurt him."

"Liz," Maria put down the spoon and looked Liz directly into the eyes. "You are like the kindest and gentlest person I know and you have the biggest heart. But you can't keep doing this to yourself. You can't be so nice to other people that it comes at the expense of your own happiness. You have to do something for yourself once in a while. And let's face it. You not telling him what you're really feeling probably hurts him more than you telling him would."

"You don't understand, Maria. He doesn't know anything else. We met when I was sick. He fell in love with me when I was sick. He lived with me for two years while I was sick. It's all he knows."

"Yes, I get that. But you've been healthy for two years. Shouldn't he start to accustom himself to that instead?"

"He's just worried about me."

Maria sighed. "Liz, don't try to convince me that he isn't making you feel trapped. That he doesn't make you feel guilty about doing something outside of the normal borders of your life. I know you, Liz. You are so afraid that you will hurt the people around you and so afraid that they are going to abandon you, that you settle for second best."

"Kevin's not second best," Liz objected weakly, but there was no longer any determination behind her words.

Maria looked at her best friend compassionately. "If you are not willing to yell at him to try to fix your relationship, is there really anything left to fight for?"

"What are you saying, Maria?"

"I'm not saying anything, Liz. This is your life, your decision. But I'm here for you. Supporting you in whatever you decide to do."

"You think I should break up with Kevin, right?"

"I didn't say that."

"No, Maria. But you've been implying it for the last...um...three years," Liz said, putting down the spoon on the table.

"You want the truth?" Maria asked.

"Please."

"I don't think Kevin's the one. I don't see sparks flying everywhere when you're together," she set up her hand to quiet Liz as she opened her mouth to object, "and I'm not saying that there even have to be sparks. It's just... When I look at you, I see two very good friends. Not lovers. Maybe even siblings."

Liz scrunched her face in disgust. "Ew Maria, that's disgusting."

Maria couldn't help but giggle. "Sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you should start living again. For real. Break free of everything that has any relation to your old life. Well, me excluded."

Liz smiled faintly. She knew what Maria was telling her. She had even thought about it once or twice herself. Kevin was stuck in the past. Or more precisely, he was stuck in the old Liz. But, as she had told Maria, she couldn't blame him for it. It was the Liz he knew. He didn't know anything else. But the fact that she was desperately trying to ignore was that he wasn't even trying to get to know the new her. He wasn't even trying to see beyond her condition.

"I'm scared, Maria."

Maria gave her a comforting smile and put the ice cream on the nightstand. "I know you are, Liz. But you're not alone in this. I'll never abandon you and if you tell Kevin what you really think," she took Liz's hand and emphasized, "what you really think, I don't think that Kevin will hate you or think any less of you. He might be hurt to start with, but he'll get over it."

"What if I end up alone for the rest of my life? Who wants a girl with a bad heart? I'm damaged goods, Maria."

"No, you're not," Maria said adamantly. "Don't ever think that about yourself. You are as good as anyone else, maybe even better. And any guy would be lucky to have you!"

A lonesome tear trickled down Liz's cheek. Kevin wasn't just her boyfriend. He was her first boyfriend ever. He had been her first kiss and her first lover. But he was also a security blanket. If she held on to him she wouldn't have to worry about whether someone else would love her more, because at least she knew for a fact that Kevin loved her. It was safe. It wasn't passionate. It wasn't the love of her dreams. But at least it was safe.

Maria put her arms around her best friend and pulled her into a hug. "Liz, I'm not saying that you should scream and throw things at him, even though it might be good to vent your repressed emotions some... What I'm saying is just this. Talk to him, Liz. At least he deserves your honesty."

Maria felt Liz nod against her shoulder. "Okay..."

TBC...