Chapter 23


Liz fell asleep to the sound of the TV, coming from the living room. She was sitting on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, her head resting heavily against the wall. She had sat down with the intention of waiting for him when he decided to come out.

But he never did.

She'd heard the TV being turned on and the volume being turned up. The sound had the broken sound of a home video recording and after a while she could hear Max's voice. It didn't take her long to figure out that he was watching a recording of his own wedding. Max and his bride's happy voices made Liz's heart cry out in sympathy. If the happiness she could sense by listening to the voices was any indication at all of the kind of marriage Max and Tess had, they had been very happy with each other.

Liz fell asleep somewhere between the fifth and sixth replay. She woke up when she felt warmth surrounding her. Still half asleep she opened her eyes and saw him leaning over her.
"You shouldn't sleep here," he whispered.
She vaguely registered that the corridor was now dark and the sound from the TV was gone. The part of her brain that was somewhat awake was merely focused on his face, dimly noting the sorrow in his eyes and the haunting expression of numbness tracing his features.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled.
Her eyes closed again and she was fully asleep when she felt his arms tentatively move around her and she felt how she was lifted from the stair case. She heard him whisper close to her ear, his warm breath caressing her cheek, whispering that he was just going to put her in her bed. She snuggled up in his warm embrace with the vague feeling of being carried. She was asleep before Max had reached the top of the stairs.


The next time she woke up, she was struck with two things which didn't make any sense to her. One; she was sleeping in a bed, even though she was very convinced that she hadn't gone to sleep in a bed, and two; it was still dark, so it couldn't be morning yet. She turned her head and buried her face in the pillow, trying to go back to sleep. But for some reason she was wide awake.

So when she saw the contours of a man in the shadows she was the fraction of a second away from crying out. But then she saw who it was.
"Max?" she whispered.
She could see the contours moving as he lifted his hand towards her, but she couldn't see his face. It was hidden in the dark obscuring shadows.
"Max? What…"
"Her name was Tess."
His voice was soft and quiet, but it could just as well have been shouted while shaking her; it had the same effect. The functions in her body momentarily stilled and she waited. Waited for him to continue, since she couldn't think of anything to say. Her brain had turned into mush.
"I didn't even like her at first," Max continued. "She moved to our town when I was sixteen and at first I thought she was really annoying. She seemed nonchalant and dismissive. But it was only a façade. The vibrant fingerprint of her personality wasn't. She was always so full of life. She made everything seem so easy. She danced through life; every obstacle was handled with laughter." He paused and Liz realized that she had forgotten to breathe. "She could really infuriate me. I thought she was playing with people. But I was mistaken…"
Liz swallowed and finally found her voice. "Max, you don't have to-"
"Yes, I do," Max answered quietly.

She became even more aware of her racing heart when he rose from the chair and stood up. It was a dark night. The moon wasn't showing its countenance tonight and there were no lamp posts outside the window to lessen the darkness. But her eyes were gradually getting used to the darkness and she had no problem to see him as he stopped by the window, his back turned against her.
"I need to tell you," he said. "I need to tell you why I reacted the way I did. I shouldn't have done-"
Liz started to shake her head, even though he couldn't see it, "No, Max. I shouldn't have intruded on you like this. I should've left. I never should've come here-"
"You did nothing wrong," Max interrupted, his eyes still staring unseeingly out the window.
"I lied to you," Liz said, scooting up into sitting position, pulling the comforter with her to protect her shivering body from the chilly air.
"I can understand why," Max said.
"But…" Liz voice trailed off in surprised confusion. Why wasn't he more upset? She had lied to him for days.
"Why did you do it?" He turned towards her then and she could dimly see his eyes in the poor light.
"I…I…" Liz stuttered.

Max inhaled deeply and raked his fingers through his hair. He hesitated before sitting down on the side of the bed, two inches from her feet tucked under the comforter. She could see him clearly now. She could see the anguish on his face. She could see his loneliness, his desperation, his fear, his panic, his sorrow, his guilt; everything seamlessly mixed up in a painful mixture of emotions.
"Why Liz?" he asked again, meeting her eyes.
"I wanted you to see me for who I am, not my disease. For once, I wanted someone to see me. I wanted to be treated like anyone else. I needed to know if someone could love me for me. Not out of pity. I didn't want you to run away. I didn't want you to be concerned about me if you stayed."
A helpless tear tumbled down her cheek, caught in his gaze. He nodded, while his eyes followed the downfall of the tear.
"It was a drunk driver," Max whispered, watching Liz's hand brush the tear away before lifting his eyes to hers again. "Tess and Josh are gone, dead, because some idiot decided to drive drunk. They told me that…that Josh died immediately." He had to push the words out over his lips. Words that had never been spoken, thoughts that had never been voiced. They were buried so deep inside of his mind making it so much harder to find them. He could feel a bitter taste in his mouth, could feel the nausea overwhelm him when his thoughts went places, visited memories, where he never went in a conscious state.

"Tess lived… But she wasn't the-," Max took a deep breath, struggling to remain in control, "She wasn't there. Brain dead. She was brain dead."
Liz's heart hurt when she watched him struggle with the painful words and his emotions. She couldn't even imagine how it would be like to lose someone; to live with the pain that Max was living with every day since the accident. She had always been on the other side of the spectrum. She had been the one almost dying and she had been prepared to die. She had never been in the situation her parents had been when they had watched their baby girl languish away, knowing that she would die. Brushing away another tear she reached out and searched in the darkness for his hand. He jumped when her hand made tentative contact with his, but he quickly recuperated and he pulled her smaller hand into his, holding it tightly.
"Just like you, she had a rare blood type," Max continued.
Liz nodded, letting Max continue when he felt ready.
"The doctor told me that there was someone waiting for her heart. Her heart was perfectly fine and she could give someone else life by donating it."
"Oh my God…" Liz whispered, when the magnitude of the emotions her earlier words must have triggered became clear to her.
"It was the hardest decision I've ever done. I wanted… I wanted…" Max lowered his head and started taking deep breaths.
"It's okay, it's okay," Liz said, her tears flowing freely down her cheeks now, crying for Max's pain and every tear he hadn't cried since everything had been ripped away from him.

Max's eyes looked up into hers and it took every last piece of control inside of her not to turn away and crawl up into a ball and cry her heart out at the look in his eyes.
"I wanted her to live. I wanted her to come back. I couldn't let them…c-cut in her, because then she would never come back again. Never…"
His head lowered again and she could see the internal battle he was having with himself in his every miniscule gesture. She hesitated only a few seconds, before reaching her decision. Scooting closer to him and pulling her legs to the side, making it possible for her upper body to come closer to his, she put her arms around him and pulled him close. He was stiff in her arms at first, but she only tightened her grip on him and her hand consolingly threaded through his hair. Gradually, he relaxed in her arms and his arms moved around her. When she felt the weight of his head on her shoulder and the warmth of his breath against her neck her eyes closed and her hold automatically tightened.

"I agreed to donate her heart," Max whispered.
Liz sniffled and nodded against his shoulder.
"She died on Valentine's Day."
Liz felt the air froze inside of her, freezing her blood. Valentine's Day.
"Max, how long ago did Tess and Josh die?" She already knew the answer, because he had mentioned it before, but she had to be sure.
"Two years ago," Max answered, his voice muffled in her shirt.
She slowly released the grip on him and moved away. Max looked up at her with confusion at the sudden shift in the surroundings.
"What?" he asked, his eyes searching hers. She was staring at him with a look that made a sinking feeling begin its process in his body.
"I'm really sorry to have to ask you this," Liz said quietly, "But do you remember at what time they took her to operation and…removed her heart?"
Max blinked. "Liz, what…?"
"Do you remember the time?" Liz asked again, her voice more persistent.
"About 2 p.m.," Max answered.
Liz hand flew up to her mouth, only partly drowning the gasp which escaped her lips.
"Liz?"
There was insecurity in his eyes now. And concern. Confusion and fear.
"I think… I think… that I was the recipient."


And it's to be continued... ;-)

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