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Chapter 28


"Max…?"

His lips rested against the smooth skin of her neck. His eyes were closed as he tried to push all the feelings from the past behind him. But he would soon realize the impossibility in that task, since all the feelings that he was trying to push away, that he was feeling for Liz, were the same as those he had felt for Tess, and the feelings for Tess was too big a part of him. He was trying so hard not to think about Tess, but he couldn't. He had only kissed one other girl before Tess and that kiss had only been experimental. He and a girl made a deal to try it out. It had meant nothing. Every real feeling he had ever had was in some way linked to Tess. Feelings that he had long tried to push away were now trying to crawl back at a fervent pace.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against her throat. He wasn't sure what he was sorry about. He swallowed back some of the feelings when he felt her fingers thread through his hair. He knew that he probably should let her go, but he couldn't.
"You okay?"
"I just… I just need to hold you for a second."
She could feel the tremors haunting his body and the need to make him feel better was so strong that she didn't want to let him go, even if he had wanted her to.

They stood like that for several minutes; Max trying to regain control over his feelings before facing her again and Liz trying to comfort him the best she could. Her whole body sighed with disappointment when she felt him move away from her, his arms slowly unwrapping themselves from around her, brushing against the sides of her body as he pulled back. She looked up at him when he returned to her field of vision.
"I'm sorry," he said, his eyes downcast.
Liz looked at him, her forehead wrinkled with concern. Hesitating only for the fraction of a second before moving, she gently placed her hand against his cheek and coaxed him to look into her eyes.
"Don't apologize, Max," she whispered softly.
He looked at her, his eyes dark in the poorly lit room.
"Don't apologize," Liz repeated.
"I must have… I didn't mean to…"
"It's okay, Max," Liz said, giving him a weak smile for comfort. "I can never completely understand what you went through two years ago and what kind of life you have been forced to lead with those memories, but you have every right to feel what you are feeling. You shouldn't apologize for your feelings, Max."
Max looked at her, almost like he was trying to deduce if she was for real or not. Apologizing for his feelings had been integrated into his life for such a long time. At first those around him had accepted his grieving, but as time passed and he was expected to stop mourning, he felt forced to apologize for the fact that he hadn't forgotten yet. Instead he had just stopped hiding his feelings altogether. It was easier that way. But it didn't really work that well with Liz. No one had affected him the way Liz did. No one.

"I can't…" His voice trailed off and he took a step backwards, the edge of the sofa hitting his calves and resigned he slumped into the sofa. His eyes were tracing the patterns of the carpet as his voice continued, weak and uncertain. "I can't get…get involved with you."
She ignored the twinge of hurt in her chest and nodded, even though he couldn't see her. "I know."
Her soft statement surprised him and he looked up at her. He looked so surprised that she couldn't help but smile. "What? Did you think that I would force myself on you?"
He dropped his eyes, his face sad, and slowly shook his head. "No…"
The smile vanished from her face like flour in a storm and she fell to her knees in front of Max, looking up into his down-turned face.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to come out that way," she said.
Max shook his head, the lamp in the room catching the golden sparkles in his amber eyes. "It's not you."

Swallowing, a fruitless attempt to add moisture to her dry throat, and hesitating before slowly voicing her fears. "Do you want me to leave?"
His eyes sprang to life and his negative head movements intensified. "No, no…"
Liz caught his eyes and firmly holding his gaze she asked again, "Are you sure, Max? Because I can't be here if I feel like I'm only hurting you."
She held his eyes even when he put his hand against her cheek and she felt the familiar warmth at the pit of her stomach.
"You are not hurting me, Liz," he said seriously.
The intensity of his eyes and his statement made the air thicken around her and she automatically smiled to ease the intensity. "Okay."
"I'm just not…" he paused trying to find the right word, "ready."
She nodded. "Thank you. For being that honest with me."
His hand gently left her cheek, floating back to his side.
"I think we should like…talk," Liz said.
Max frowned, tilting his head slightly to the side with an amused smile playing in the corners of his mouth. "Isn't that what we are doing right now?"
Liz blushed. "Right. Right." Suddenly she was nervous. Her hands were sweaty and there was the nervous warmth spreading inside her body.
"Uhm… About the heart…thing."
His expression turned somber again and he nodded. "Yeah… We probably should."
"Since it's, like," she brushed a free wisp of hair behind her ear, staring at some spot on his shirt, "really weird that I'm, like…" She took a deep breath and met his eyes with a self-conscious smile. "Sorry. I'm babbling."
"Could you tell me what it was like?"
With the self-conscious smile turning slightly confused, she asked, "What what was like?"
"Your life. Could you tell me something about how it was like… to live with a heart disease?"
"Really?"
"Please."

There was something about the seriousness in his plea that told her that it was very important to him to hear this. She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, suddenly very nervous with the prospect of baring her life to him. She was suddenly very aware of what it would mean if she told him about her life. It would automatically move them to another level of intimacy and considering how he had reacted the last time they had started to get close – dangerously close – she wasn't so sure she wanted him to know. Maybe it would be for the best if they just didn't cross that last barrier. Giving him the facts of her life would make her even more vulnerable and it would give him more reasons to stay away, to end this, whatever it was, once and for all.
"Uhm…" She took a deep breath and Max noticed the hesitation in her eyes.
"If you don't want to tell me you don't have to."
Liz started to shake her head. "No no. That's not it. I want to tell you. It's just…"
He nodded slowly, understanding yet not really understanding.
"It's just that I don't want you to… I mean, I don't want to…"
Max's hand over hers made her voice trail off and she looked up at him tentatively. The warmth from his hand was blazing into her skin, but still it had a calming effect on her.
"It's just that…there's really not much to tell."
"Have you…told anyone about it?"
"About me possibly having…" Her voice trailed off, uncertain about actually saying her name. His wife's name.
He nodded, oddly grateful that she hadn't said more, but had let it stay hidden in the silence.
Liz shook her head. "No. I haven't told anyone. I'm still having difficulties believing it myself. I mean… What are the odds really that we were to meet?"
Her last words were drowned in the loud howling of the wind swishing by the house.

The storm was coming.

"I guess I'm not returning now, am I?" Liz asked, hinting towards the noise. A flash of fear and raw panic flickered over Max's face as he was reminded of the terror he had felt when he had thought she had been hurt. There was a brief, but burningly sharp, sting in his heart when he also remembered another accident, when his loved ones hadn't returned.
"Max?"
Her concerned voice brought him back to the present.
"No, I guess not," he answered, his voice weak and unsteady.
"Max…" she breathed, fear and worry naked in her voice as her eyes were transfixed on his hands. "You're shaking."
The answer was automatic, as natural to him as his next breath. "I'm fine."
He could almost see the cog-wheels spinning in her head and with a deep-rooted fear of what her next question might be, and he hurried to guard himself. "Please don't, Liz. I can't talk about it."
"I wasn't expecting you to," Liz answered, but even though he hadn't known her for very long, he could sense the lie in her words. She had wanted him to talk. She wanted to 'help' him, like his sister had tried to for years. But no one could help him. He didn't want to return. He didn't want their help. He didn't want their sympathy or their compassion.

She could sense his withdrawal even before he started to rise from the couch. Her hands automatically fell away from his thighs and she was thrown straight into a battle between her heart and mind. She felt the unrelenting need to stop him. To say something. But she couldn't come up with anything to say.
"You shouldn't go back now," Max said, swaying slightly on still shaky legs.
"Okay," Liz whispered and she felt tears sting her eyes, something that surprised her. There was a loneliness surrounding Max as he walked unsteadily into the kitchen. She found herself still on her knees in front of the couch, watching his retreating back. She didn't know what to do to reach out to him. He was pulling away. Every time she was on the border of having him say something significant, he pulled away.
She rose, her now sore knees protesting against suddenly having to unfold, and moved towards the telephone. Picking up the receiver, which for some reason was laying outside the cradle of the phone, she dialed Maria's number. Not many signals later, Maria picked up.
"Liz?! Oh my God! Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Liz answered, a little taken aback by Maria's reaction.
"God, couldn't you have called me earlier? I was freaking out here. I've even called Kevin, but he didn't know where you were-"
"You know where I was," Liz said, confused.
But Maria just continued talking, not having noticed Liz's statement. "-and after Max's phone call-"

"Max called you?"
"Yes, he's the one who got me all riled up. He didn't actually say that something had happened to you, but it was just the way he was speaking- God Liz! What happened? Are you okay?"
"I'm okay," Liz said softly, her eyes wandering to Max's hunched figure slowly moving around in the kitchen, "There was this accident on the news and Max thought it was me. That was why he was…"
"Calling me," Maria filled in, understanding in her voice. "God Liz, he scared the crap out of me. I've never heard anyone that afraid before. Is he okay?"
Her eyes resting on Max as he opened the refrigerator door for the third time, without picking something out, and then closing it again, she whispered in response. "I don't know. I don't know, Maria."


"You can never escape getting hurt, you know."
Max swirled around towards the voice, the sound of Liz's voice fading into the background. Tess was sitting on the edge of the kitchen table, her legs dangling over the edge, her eyes cool and indifferent. She wasn't the same angel she used to be to him. Her appearance had changed since her last "visit". The usually perfect blonde curls were tangled together and her usually spotless white dress had streaks of black dirt.
Taking a deep breath, Max walked up to the refrigerator and opened the door, deciding to ignore her. If he ignored her she would disappear. Right?
"You can try to forget me, but you won't."
His eyes drifted close against her voice and he closed the door to the refrigerator.
"She shouldn't be here, Max. What is she doing here? This is our home. You can't invite her here."
Max glanced over at Liz, painful longing coursing through him as his eyes drifted over her frame.
"She doesn't belong here."
Max took a deep breath, his hand rubbing his forehead. "Go away," he mumbled.
"She will only hurt you. You know that. That's what you are afraid of. You are afraid that if you trust her with your heart, she's going to destroy it. You're afraid that something is going to happen to her. Am I right?"
Max looked up at Tess. His mind was being torn between wanting her to stay and wanting her to leave. But maybe the first was just automatic, after two years of wanting her to come back so much that his mind had started to conjure up the image of her, and it was easier to not let go. It was safer that way.
Tess' beautiful features darkened with the suspicious frown on her forehead. "You are thinking about letting her in, aren't you? Max. You can't."
"I know," Max whispered.
"She might die."
His voice was merely a croak as he whispered his agreement. "I know."
"It's easier to just stay here. With me… and Josh. No one can hurt you here. You're safe here."
Max's eyes searched out Liz again and, with desperation, longing and fear mixed up in one glance, he nodded.
"Max? Stop that."
The warning tone in her voice made him turn his head back to her. She hopped down from the table and started to walk towards him. His breath was starting to strain painfully in his chest as she got closer and he felt the smallest hint of repulsion. Something that he had never felt before.
"You love me," Tess said, her face close to his. "Don't ever forget that."

"Max?"
His breath caught in his throat and he turned around, finding Liz looking at him, bewildered. He turned around quickly, but Tess was gone. Before he turned to look at Liz again, he tried to get his breathing under control and to force himself back to reality. The reality where Tess was dead and Liz was very much alive.
"Max?"
The fear in her voice made him turn back to her.
"Are you okay?" she asked, her fearful and worried eyes searching his face.
He nodded mutely, transfixed by her face. She was so beautiful. He could smell the soft fragrance of the soap she used, surrounding her. Without really thinking about what he was doing, his hand moved out to graze the skin of her cheek. He needed to feel the warmth of her skin. His hand drifted down her neck, to the pulse he could feel beating there. Feeling the life in her.
"Max?"
His eyes wandered back to her eyes, her beautiful dark eyes. He was unaware of the tears running down his cheeks, the tears that had frightened Liz. He was oblivious to the desperation and fear in his eyes, which made Liz's heart beat faster with worry. His hand traveled back to her cheek, his other hand simultaneously moving up to her other cheek, gently capturing her face between his strong hands. Instinctively, he stepped closer to her, feeling the warmth of her body brushing against his own body. She was looking up at him wordlessly, the concern still stark and raw in her eyes. His thumbs brushed against her cheeks, causing goose bumps to spread over her skin. With one final look into her eyes, one final attempt to resist what his whole being was crying out for, he relinquished and his lips touched hers. His body sighed in relief while also tensing in guilt. Her lips were so soft, so warm, so inviting. He could feel her responding to his kiss. He felt her arms move around his waist and his body gasped with something powerful moving inside of his body and slowly starting to break holes in the hard crust around his heart. His hands tightened around her face, bringing her closer to him, his kiss growing more urgent as he tried to shut out the darkness and coldness inside of him.
"Max…" Her soft moan made his heart jerk violently in his chest and he could feel the touch of her lips over his whole body. As if she wasn't just kissing his lips, but his entire soul. Slowly, her touch was coaxing the ashes of his insides back into solid embers.
"Max…" Her whisper was different this time, begging and worried. But he didn't notice. His lips had left hers and were traveling down her jaw line, caressing, sucking; kissing his way over her skin.

"Max…"
He pushed the feelings of anxiety to the back of his head and ignored her attempts to bring him back from the physical pleasures. The tears, which he was denying, were falling on her shoulder when he pushed her sweater to the side in the search of more bare skin.
"Please, Max…"
It was the teary quality of her voice that finally reached him, but it didn't stop his assault on her body. It didn't remove the fear of breaking down. It spurted a response in the opposite direction. Almost roughly, his lips returned to her s, trying to crawl inside of her. Maybe it was warmer there. He wanted to move into the warmth of her soul and sleep. He just wanted to sleep. He denied her arms as they tried to push him away. At first, they were gentle, trying to guide him to take the step away on his own, but when he didn't respond, she pushed harder.

And he lost contact.

The coldness washing over him was so deafening and smothering that he couldn't resist it any longer. With a heart-wrenching wail his body crashed into hers, his head falling onto her shoulders, his arms forming a tight hold around her waist, his body sagging against her. Liz stumbled back against the wall; trying to support Max's shaking body. His devastated and lonely sobs cut through her heart and she stopped trying to fight him. Her body sagged under his and they both sunk to the floor. She held him, trying to soothe the demons haunting him, without really understanding the extent of his destroyed mind. All she could do was to be there for him and maybe be able to prevent the guilt and sorrow from devouring him.


TBC...