Chapter 31

Nothing could have prepared her for the sight of the shell of a human being standing before her. Even in the almost complete darkness coating the room she could see the sickly grayish pallor of his skin and the haunted look in his eyes. She could see how the skin stretched over his cheekbones and the absence of fat underneath. If he hadn't been standing up, his hand grasping the side of the desk behind him convulsively, she would've thought he was dead.
"My God… Max," she breathed. Tears were seeking themselves out of her eyes, escaping the suffocating guilt being lowered over her chest.
His eyes were moving over her, but there was something disconcerting in his eyes, making her very uncomfortable. It made her want to take a step back. Suddenly the dark person in front of her seemed haunted and frightening. Threatening.

But she didn't move. She willed her trembling legs to remain rooted to the floor, neither moving forward or backwards.
"What are you doing here?"
The first thing that struck her about that question wasn't the coldness of how it was delivered, but his voice. It was when she heard his voice that she knew that she wasn't talking to the same Max Evans that had frantically been searching after his little niece in a shopping mall. It wasn't the Max Evans who had so gently hold Michelle and kissed her on the forehead. It wasn't the same Max Evans who had hold on to Liz so tightly, afraid that if he didn't he would drown in his own guilt. The Max Evans standing before her had already drowned.

"I…I…" Fear was coursing through her body. She was standing in front of a stranger and she didn't know at all how he would react. She'd had a feeling that Max was in a bad place from the sporadic conversations with Isabel, but she had never been able to foresee this.
"You don't belong here."
Liz blinked, making tears cascade down her cheeks. "Max, please…"
"Leave, Liz." He turned his back towards her, and she had to strain to hear his next words. "I don't want you here."
"I want to be here," she whispered.
She could see his back tensing and there was a moment of shivering silence before he answered. "No, you don't. You don't want to be here, Liz."
Liz forced her fear back and took a step forward. "Isabel is worried about you, Max. I…I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine. I'm doing perfectly fine. You can report that back to Isabel."
"Don't do this," Liz pleaded, taking another step further into the room.
"Don't come any closer." His whispered plea put an abrupt halt to her progress. The change in his voice made hope flare to life inside of her. Maybe he was still in there. Maybe it wasn't too late.

"Why?" she asked softly.
She could see his hands moving over the desk, but his back was shielding his actions from her.
"I can't do this," Max said. "Leave me alone. I don't want your sympathy or your pity."
"I'm not-"
"I don't want to see you ever again," Max snapped.
Liz shrunk back, the sound of her heart thundering in her ears. Every part of her mind wanted to run away from there, to protect herself. But she wouldn't let herself do that.
"Stop shutting me out," she said, trying to remain calm, even though she could feel a frightening tightening in her chest.
"I just want to be left alone!" Max yelled. He spun around on his heels and pinned Liz with his eyes, which were very different from the listless eyes she had seen earlier. These were filled with rage. She stumbled backwards when he advanced on her, like a lion hunting down its prey. "Why can't you leave me alone?!"
He grabbed her harshly by the upper arms and pushed her up against the wall. She could feel his hot breath in her face, her body being immobilized by him pinning her arms against the wall.
"Max, you're scaring me," she sobbed, feeling the haltering beat of her heart as fear of what he might do numbed her.
"I want you to disappear from my life, you hear me?" his voice was low and menacing, his eyes driving into hers. "I don't need your help or your support. I don't need anyone."
She tried to shake the dizziness away. "Let me go, Max."
"Do you hear me? I want you to leave. And tell Isabel that I don't appreciate her sending spies."
Nausea was building up in her throat and she found herself gasping for oxygen. "What has happened to you, Max? You don't mean what you're saying."
The emotion passed so quickly in his eyes, that she would've missed it if he hadn't been so close. Fear.

"Just leave," he said and she could feel his grip on her arms lessening. But when he wasn't there to hold up her body any longer, her legs gave away under her. She caught a glimpse of the intense fear in his eyes, before her eyes drifted closed.
"Liz!" She felt his grip on her arms again, but it was different this time. Gentler. She grabbed onto consciousness with all her might, while experiencing the strong protests of her heart.
"P…p…pills," she gasped.
She knew exactly where they were. Maria knew exactly where in her purse they were. The same place they had always been. Even Kevin knew. But Max didn't. Max didn't even know what was happening.
His hand against her cheek and his frightening voice, bordering on panic, floating around her, she could feel herself being lowered to the floor.
"P…pur...se:"
She could feel the prickling pain in her right arm and she knew that she would pass out any second. Then she felt someone opening her mouth and something being placed on her tongue. Reflectively she swallowed, feeling the dryness scrape against her throat, her saliva not being enough to wash it down smoothly. She danced between silence and the sound of Max's voice for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality it was just a couple of minutes, before she opened her eyes and looked up into Max's brown eyes.

"Liz," he whispered. She could feel his fingers pressing at the back of her head and she noticed how tears were glistering on his cheeks. She took a deep breath, her body still shaking.
"Are you okay?" he choked. She nodded slowly, still returning to reality.
"Your pulse is still too fast. It's beating irregularly."
That's when she felt his fingers being pressed against the side of her throat, feeling her pulse.
"Do you need some water?"
His eyes were moving quickly over her, the words tumbling out of him with a speed that matched the intensity of worry his whole demeanor was emitting.
She nodded again and without leaving her, he reached behind him and soon thereafter a glass was pressed gently against her lips. He added some pressure to the back of her head to help her tilt her head upwards. The water flowed soothingly down her throat, helping to calm her body. When he removed the glass, she tried to push herself up in sitting position. Max moved backwards, his arms helping her.
"Are you okay?" Max asked again.
"I'm…I'm getting there," Liz whispered, her voice very weak.

"My God, Liz, I'm so sorry;" Max said. "I… God…" She could see all the emotions flickering over his face and all she could think about was that she wasn't strong enough to stop him from thinking everything he was obviously thinking right then. She didn't have the strength to stop him from blaming himself.
"I don't know why I yelled at you like that. I've never done anything like that before. I don't know why I-"
"Max," Liz whispered, shaking her head in an attempt to make him stop.
"This is exactly why you can't be around me, Liz. Everything I touch is destroyed." He paused, the silence speaking volumes of whose lives he considered having destroyed.
"It wasn't your fault, Max," Liz said gently, her statement holding double connotations.
"I almost…" He choked on the word, an expression of utter disgust flickering over his features, "You could've died, Liz."
"It's okay, Max-"
"No, it's not," Max interrupted softly. "Your life is better without me in it complicating it."
"I want you in my life, Max."
Max opened his mouth to protest, but it was left hanging open when her words sunk in.
"No, Liz. You don't want anything to do with-"
"I know what I want," Liz whispered.

"Don't listen to her, Max."

Liz frowned as Max's head whirled around. She looked over his shoulder to see if there was someone there. There wasn't.

"She's the one that started all of this. If she hadn't arrived you and I would still be doing okay and you wouldn't be reduced to this pitiable human."

"Stop it!"
Shivers ran down Liz's spine as Max shouted into the darkness. She lifted her hand to his chin and forced him to look at her. She inhaled sharply as she once again was met by the haunted look in his eyes.
"Max? Who are you talking to?"
He blinked and there was a second of confusion before his gaze cleared and he shook his head. "No one."

"Do you want to kill her too?"

Liz saw him tense and even though he didn't say anything, the way his head angled slightly over his shoulder made Liz frown with worry.

"She is going to die, you know that don't you? If you stay with her, something is going to happen."

Liz watched with a ball of dread growing every bigger how Max started to close himself off. Her grip tightened on his chin and she once again forced him to meet her eyes.
"Don't listen to her," Liz demanded. "Max? Do you hear me? Don't listen to a word she's saying."
But she could see that she wasn't successful in breaking through the thick shield forming around him. Without a second thought, her hand reached behind his neck and she pulled him towards her, crashing her lips against his. His lips were cold and he felt numb and stiff against her. But she slowly moved her lips over his, coaxing him to respond to her. Silently in her mind, she begged him to stop thinking and just feeling. To let go. She didn't know what Tess was telling him right then, but she had a feeling that Tess was still present, because Max's resistance was high. He pulled away from her, shaking his head, but before he got a word out, Liz melted her lips with his again. Her heart skipped a beat when she could feel him respond to her and he leaned into her. His hands traveled into her hair, softly angling her head to gain greater access.

The kiss was different from anything Liz had ever experienced. The few kisses Max and she had shared had all contained a twinge of desperation. There was no desperation in the way Max was kissing her now. He was slowly nibbling on her bottom lip, as if he was tasting her; familiarizing himself with the texture of her lips. It was slow and tender, and for the first time she got a taste of how it felt to have Max Evans' undivided attention.

It was overwhelming.

She could feel his attention and focus on her in her whole body. Then his tongue brushed against hers and her whole world seemed to implode. Her hands moved around his back, bringing him closer to her. She couldn't get enough of him. It wasn't until they broke apart due to lack of air that she realized that he was crying. Licking her swollen lips, she could taste the saltiness of his sorrow.
"You okay?" she whispered, cupping his cheek with her small hand. He nodded, encircling her hand with his own before capturing her lips with his again.

She wasn't really aware of how she got from the floor to the bed. She was lost in the sensations Max's touches were creating. His hands and fingers skimmed over her body, affecting her in a way that no one had ever done. Only one person had touched her like this before, and Kevin had never awoken the same feelings with the mere brush of a finger over her skin. Somewhere at the back of her head she knew that they shouldn't be doing this. She knew that this wouldn't help the situation and Max was in no condition to make this kind of commitment yet. But she couldn't stop herself. She had longed for his touch for so long. She had fantasized about him loving her, about him touching her in the way he was now, for months. He slowly pushed the bra straps of her shoulders, placing feathery kisses along her collarbone.
"Max, we shouldn't-"
But his lips on hers silenced her and all thoughts of reason flew out her mind as Max's hand cupped her breast, skin to skin. He moaned in her throat, his warm body pressing against her side. Her own fingers started to work on getting his shirt out of the way, the need to feel his skin under her fingers so strong it was almost suffocating. Their lips broke contact just long enough for her to get his shirt over his head. Her hands moved over his chest, exploring blindly as Max suckled on her throat.
"God…" Max murmured. "God… Tess…"

Liz stopped cold. Before Max understood what was happening Liz had scrambled out of his arms, pressing her half open shirt to her chest to shield her partial nudity. Max looked at her confused. "Liz, what..? Are you okay? Is it your heart?"
"You…" She took a deep breath, her heart hurting from the fact that he had called her Tess, even though it seemed as if he wasn't aware of the mistake he had made. It didn't hurt any less that she knew that they had moved too quickly and she should've anticipated something like this to happen. "We can't do this, Max."
She watched as the haze of passion lifted from his eyes and the fear returned to those amber eyes. There was realization in his eyes, before he asked grimly, "What did I say?"
Liz pulled away, reaching behind her back to clasp her bra back into place, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. "Nothing."
"Liz, what happened?" Max asked again, pleading with her to answer.
"We made a mistake," Liz whispered, biting back the hurt. "I… I should go."
Max reached out with his hand and stopped her in the movement of getting off the bed. "Liz, I'm sorry if I… I guess I moved too fast. I just… I have-"
Liz placed a finger against his lips to prevent him from saying anything more. "Let's take that another day, okay? I should go…"
Max nodded. His somber expression stopped Liz and she turned to him concerned. "Are you okay?"
His cheeks definitely had more color now than before, but he still looked like he was about to drop dead any second.
"What did I do, Liz?" Max whispered, his eyes begging her for an answer.
Liz looked at him in silence for a long time. "You have to heal, Max-"
In just the fraction of a second, Max's face turned into stone. "You're leaving," he stated woodenly.
"No," Liz said calmly. "I think I have to go home now, but I'm coming back."
She couldn't really interpret his facial expression, but he nodded his answer and his hand reached out, taking hers and giving it a grateful light squeeze.

The wisest decision might have been to stay with him and talk through what had happened. But she couldn't do it. She was too confused and it felt like she was about to start crying at any second if she didn't get out of there. She leaned forward and softly brushed her lips over his before buttoning up her shirt while simultaneously rising from the bed. She bent down to pick up the pills that had fallen out of the bottle when Max had hurried to get pills out, and put them back in her purse.

She had only been there for no more than twenty minutes and yet so much had happened. She realized that much was still the same and even more than that would never be the same. It was with a heavy heart that she left Max to his dark, lonely existence.

TBC...