Chapter 38

One month later

"Uncle Maaaaaax!"
Liz's smile brightened as Michelle jumped out of her hug and ran into the house.
"Believe me; she's getting wilder every day."
Liz laughed softly and hugged Isabel. "It's nice to see you again, Isabel. How was Hawaii?"
A dreamy smile sprung up on Isabel's face. "Like a second honeymoon. The word marriage might be tainted these days with all the divorces, but I'm telling you; marriage is so worth it just because of the honeymoon."
Liz laughed. "Okay, I take it that the trip was good then?"
"Wonderful," Isabel smiled. "Didn't wake up until noon and then spent the rest of the day on the beach. Michelle loved it there. That girl loves the ocean."
"Who does this rascal belong to?"
Liz read the surprise on Isabel's face when Liz heard the male voice behind her. Isabel did obviously also notice the change in Max.
Liz turned around and watched Max carrying a giggling Michelle upside down, her long blonde curls billowing around Max's knees.
"For the next few hours, she's not mine," Isabel answered, her voice still bearing the slight tone of awe.
"Aha," Max smiled and spun Michelle around to put her feet on the ground.
"All my bwood is in my head," Michelle explained, excitement written all over her face.
"Then you should probably stay like that for a while so that the blood goes back down again," Isabel said before being pulled into Max's bear hug.
"Hey sis," he said in her ear and gave her kiss on the cheek.
"Hi," Isabel smiled and she looked at Liz with bewilderment. Had Liz done this? What had happened during the three weeks they've been gone? She had been afraid that she would return to a crying Max that wouldn't let her into his room. She was actually expecting it. But the Max standing in front of her with amusement playing in his eyes was as far away from the person that had replaced her brother since the accident as he could ever be.
"I guess you had nice weather," Max said, referring to the brown golden tone of Isabel's skin.

"It was great," Isabel said, still dazed.
"Are you okay?" Max asked, concern spreading into his eyes.
Isabel nodded mutely and stuttered. "I'm…I'm just fine. I'm great."
"Okay," Max said, starting to get a little confused himself.
Liz watched the whole interaction with joy spreading in her chest. It was no mystery to her what was going on and she was watching Isabel rediscover her long lost brother with the deepest sense of rightness overwhelming her. She sat down on her heels before Michelle and ruffled the little girl's hair.
"How about you come and help me make cookies in the kitchen, Michelle."
Michelle's face shone up as if the sun had been let into a dark room. "YAY! Mom? Can I? Can I make cwookies? Can I? Pwease? Purty pwease?"
Isabel laughed and nodded. "Sure hun, go and help Liz."
Michelle clapped her hands together and started jumping up and down."Yay!"
Liz laughed as she was being dragged into the kitchen by Michelle, leaving Max and Isabel alone to talk.
"So how have you been?" Isabel asked.
"Fine," Max answered, self-consciously scratching himself behind his ear.
"I've missed you," Isabel said softly.
Max met her clear eyes and smiled. "I've missed you too, Is."
"I've missed the old Max."
Max dropped his eyes at this and became extremely occupied with straightening out the edge of the carpet with his foot.
"Who should I thank?"
Max looked up at his sister and frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Who should I thank for bringing you back? Liz?"
His face brightened by itself, even though he tried to hide it. What he was feeling for Liz was so strong and real that it almost felt too personal to share with anyone else.

"What did she do to you?" Isabel asked with awe, an amazed smile controlling her lips.
"I guess… I guess she found me," Max smiled. "She wouldn't stop looking and she found me. She helped me find myself. Of course, the therapist has helped me a lot as well, but Liz has been here when I've come back from the therapy sessions and she has done nothing short of supporting me the whole time."
A tear rolled unrestricted down Isabel's cheek, but she didn't even notice. With every breath she took she could see more of what Liz had done for her brother, in his face, in the way he moved, in his gestures. They were all coming back. Everything that before had been so typical her brother, but that had died with Tess and Joshua. All the small movements and smiles were back.
"Oh my God," Isabel whispered.
Max smiled brightened until it didn't only lighten his lips but also shone out from his eyes. "I know."
Isabel swallowed as the realization of what damage she almost had done slammed into her. She had tried so hard to get Liz to stay away from Max. If she had actually succeeded Max would've been going under by now.
Max saw the self-blame and guilt infest itself in her eyes and he slowly shook his head. "No, Is. Don't blame yourself. You did what you thought was right."
Isabel brushed another tear away from her cheek, her hand trembling. "I almost ruined you, Max. I shouldn't have butted in-"
"Is, you only did what you thought was right. You tried to look out for me. You did everything a good sister and friend is supposed to do. You tried to protect me from everything bad and you thought that it meant Liz."
"But Max, I almost took her away. If she hadn't been so damn stubborn I would've succeeded."
"It's because she's so damn stubborn that I love her so much," Max smiled.
"Oh Max," Isabel sniffled. "You really do love her, don't you?"

Max nodded, trying to control the urge to look into the direction of the kitchen, where Liz was. Just talking about her made him want to be with her. To touch her in some way and remind himself that she was with him.
Isabel looked at him, perplexed. "I've never seen you like this before. Not even with Tess."
His eyes dropped at this. "I've never felt like this before."
Isabel didn't even care that Tess had been her friend and that she was perhaps expected to defend what Tess and Max had had together. She was just so relieved that Max was back and so grateful about the fact that Liz was in his life.
"Have you told her?"
Max looked up and nodded. "She knows."
That was it for Isabel. Her resolve broke and she nodded in response to his answer, automatically hiding her crying behind her hand.
"Don't cry," Max whispered and pulled her into his arms. He was afraid that it might've hurt her that he felt more about Liz than he had for her best friend. She proved the opposite was true when she stuttered out her explanation through the sniffles, "I'm so happy for you, Max. I'm just so happy."
He felt the warmth of tears trying to get through in his own eyes at this and he hugged her harder.
"So when is the big day?" Isabel sobbed, with slight teasing in her voice as she pulled out of his arms.
Max frowned, wiping his now tearstained eyes. "What big day?"
"You are going to marry her, aren't you?" Isabel said, giving him a stern pointed look.
Max's heart stopped. He hadn't even thought about marriage. He didn't want anything else than marrying Liz and spending his whole life with her, but for some reason the thought of marrying her was very firmly mixed with the fear of losing her.
"I haven't really…"
Isabel read the emotions in his eyes and afraid that she would upset him, she squeezed his hand reassuringly. "Okay, just let me know if you need any help."
Max rolled his eyes at this, remembering how Isabel had "helped" him and Tess getting married. He loved his sister, but he had learnt the hard way that she should only be a guest at weddings, not the wedding planner. The nickname "The Christmas Nazi" that Michael had given Isabel a long time ago because of the frightening orders coming out of her mouth during Christmas should've given him a clue about what she was like when planning a wedding.

"What?" Isabel asked, wiping her tears.
Max bit his bottom lip to stop himself from laughing. "Nothing. Thank you, Isabel, I'll let you know if I need anything." Maybe he should elope with Liz to Las Vegas and get married there instead or something.
"Okay then," Isabel smiled and couldn't stop herself from giving him another hug. "I love you."
"I love you too, Is," Max whispered.

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Max closed the door to the room Michelle had in his house and started to walk down the hallway. His pace lost some of its speed outside Joshua's room. He hadn't been in there since the day Liz had watched the videotape. He was still trying to deal with the grief of losing his son, but it was so much more difficult than dealing with Tess. Dr. Logan had told him that it was because he had focused so much on Tess, because in comparison the sorrow of losing Tess had not been as deep as losing Josh, that he was having more difficulties dealing with the absence of Josh. He had pushed that grief far back to the deep black recesses of his mind, where the memories wouldn't hurt him and he could go on pretending that he was doing okay. It was extremely difficult to dig forward those memories because he hadn't allowed himself to touch them at all before. The memories of Tess had been turned over again and again in his mind, but not the ones of Josh. Joshua was a raw wound that every memory he had to call forward was a grain of salt burning in the open wound. It was painful and he needed a lot more time to process it. But he was seeing the world through different eyes now. It suddenly didn't seem as impossible anymore to go on with his life. Liz was here now and she didn't push him, but she didn't let him give up pushing himself either.

His fingers brushed against the doorknob before he continued down the hallway and down the stairs to the bottom floor. It was awfully quiet in the house. Only the toys, pieces of papers and pens spread all over the place confirmed that there had actually been a lot of activity there earlier. He came down the stairs and the sight that greeted him stopped him and his legs grew weak. A mixture of emotions washed over him and he had to lean against the wall to stop himself from falling. He took a couple of deep breaths to will his heart to slow down and then he forced his heavy feet to move into the living room. There was nothing really strange about the scene displayed in front of him, but for some reason it touched that raw wound in his heart.

Liz was lying on the couch, asleep. Michelle was sleeping next to her, curled up like a little ball in front of Liz's stomach, her thumb in her mouth and the other hand entangled into Liz's dark hair. Liz's knees were brought up towards the small body, encircling Michelle with her body and her hand was positioned over Michelle's waist, firmly preventing the little girl from falling off the couch. As he moved closer, memories of a past that he had tried to push away, flashed through his mind. All of them were of Josh. His breath hitched in his throat as he was overwhelmed with the deepest feelings of grief that he had ever let himself feel. He missed Josh, so much. He stumbled down on the floor next to the couch and was barely aware of the tears covering his face. The pain was in his heart and it felt as if he was going to disintegrate. As if the grief was going to pull him apart. He wanted it to go away. He wanted it all to get better again. He wanted Josh to return. His trembling hand brushed through Michelle's hair and his breathing became worse. He leaned forward and grazed the baby soft skin of Michelle's cheek with his lips. Slowly, his hand drifted through her blonde tresses. He tried to calm himself down, but he didn't know what to do. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. It felt like his heart was going to implode. He could feel the loneliness in his whole body like small needles piercing his body from the inside, all the way out in his fingers.

"Max?"
Max jumped at the sleepy question and he turned his eyes away from Michelle and looked up, meeting Liz's warm concerned brown eyes. He could see the alarm in her eyes when she saw his destroyed appearance, but he couldn't do anything else but look at her. If he would let go off her he would fall.
"What's wrong?" she whispered, feeling immobilized with Michelle bundled up so close. Panic started to overtake the worry now. Max was only looking at her, tears running down his cheeks. She couldn't even see any separate tearstains on his cheeks, because he had been crying so much that the majority of his cheeks were wet. His eyes were red and his lips were trembling with barely restrained crying. He was trying not to wake up Michelle and that made her want to take him away from there even more. The strong unhidden raw emotions in his eyes scared her. What had happened?
"What's wrong?" she asked again, her voice louder now. She couldn't help herself.
Michelle stirred beside her, but Liz barely noticed. Michelle's movements didn't stop Max from looking at Liz either, but it brought him back. It brought him back from wherever he had been. He took a deep breath, but then his breathing escalated and became shallow.
"Max," Liz whispered. He was hyperventilating. "Max, calm down."
She could feel something dropping on her arm, but she didn't have to look down to know that it was her own tears.
He kept staring at her, his breathing getting worse and Liz could feel her heart aching at the intensity of her own worry. She quickly, but as carefully as she could, untangled Michelle's hand from her hair and moved away from Michelle. She jumped off the couch, her legs protesting at the sudden weight after being arranged in a horizontal position for awhile. She ran into the kitchen and pulled a paper bag out from one of the cabinets. Her feet were warm against the cold floor as she ran up to him, falling to her knees next to him and bringing the paper bag to his mouth. He took it, taking a hold of her eyes again, and breathed into the bag.
"Slowly, Max. Try to breathe slowly."
After about thirty seconds his breathing calmed down.
"Okay, that's good, that's good," Liz sobbed, the relief engulfing her.

Max removed the bag and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Max, don't," Liz sniffled.
"I'm sorry for making you cry," Max wept. "I never meant to make you cry."
"Stop apologizing, doofus," Liz said quietly, using the sleeve of her shirt to remove the tears from his cheeks. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I want that," Max whispered.
Liz tried really hard to figure out what he meant before she asked. "What, Max?"
"I want you to carry my child," Max sobbed, new tears flowing down his cheeks. "I want our child to fall asleep in your arms, like Michelle did tonight."
"Baby," Liz murmured and moved up into his lap. She brushed his hair away from his face and looked him deeply into his eyes. "I want nothing else than to give you a child, Max. But are you ready? I don't think I will be able to deal with you comparing our child to Joshua. You can't replace Joshua with another child, Max. I don't want you to do that. If you feel that you might do that, then I won't give you a child."
"I don't know," Max sobbed miserably. "I don't know what I want. I just want the pain to go away."
"Then you need to listen to the pain, Max, and go through it so that you can give peace to the memory of your child. You need to accept the loss of Joshua before you can love another child because of that child and not because you need a child to help you deal with your grief."
"I know," Max whispered. "I know."
Liz nodded and smiled softly at him. "I love you, Max. Don't you ever forget that! Whenever you're ready, I'm here, okay?"
"God I love you," Max sobbed and brought his lips to hers. She could taste the saltiness of their tears mixing on their lips and she let herself sink into that kiss. She let him feel everything she was feeling through that kiss. It was the first time they've kissed in about two and half months. The last time their lips had met had been when she had been trying to contact Max and was trying to force Tess to disappear from his consciousness. She had to admit that she had missed it. She had missed feeling him this close. She had missed the taste of him and to be able to feel his heart beat against hers as he pulled her closer. They did have a strange relationship, because they were living together and lately Max had been talking about their future together, but they hadn't kissed. Liz didn't want to push him to cross a border that he wasn't ready to cross yet, so she had waited for him to make a move. But he never did. Her confidence had faltered on more than one occasion. She had wondered a lot of times if he really wanted them to be together when he didn't move their relationship to what normally constitutes a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.

But he certainly was now. His hands were moving underneath her shirt, his palms contacting with her bare skin and she felt goose bumps break out all over her body. She moved even closer to him, needing to be a part of him just as much as she needed him to be a part of her.
"Liz…" he mumbled.
"Uh-hum," she mumbled in response, thinking that she could never get tired of the taste of him. She didn't know how she had survived this long without him kissing her. At that moment she was amazed at the willpower she must possess to have forced herself to keep her hands off him all this time. She had even slept in his bed this whole time, with his arms around her waist and his lips resting against the bare skin of her neck, but she hadn't asked for more.
"Michelle," Max murmured, before slowly running his tongue over her bottom lip.
Her whole body trembled with the sudden warmth invading her senses and she had to really concentrate to figure out what he had just said.
"What?"
It was with a reluctant moan that Max pulled away from her. "Michelle."
Liz stared at him, dazed, and blinked slowly. Then she turned to look at what Max was looking at. Ah, Michelle.
"We should get her in bed," Liz said.
"Good idea," Max said, his breathing shallow.
For the first time, Max wished that Michelle wasn't spending the night. He took a couple of deep breaths to will his body to calm down and then he stood up on wobbly legs and moved to carefully lift up Michelle. She mumbled something incomprehensible and moved her arms around Max's neck. Max held her strongly around the waist and with one hand supporting her head he bent forward towards Liz that was now standing up as well.
"I love you," he whispered and softly grazed her lips. The kiss lingered, since they were both trying to make it longer than it should've been.
"Love you too," Liz smiled.

TBC...