Chapter 42

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me, do you
but remember when I moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all I've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Excerpt from "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley

She wasn't surprised to find him in Joshua's room. Still it sent a shiver through her body. He had needed to talk to her and she had shut him out and left him alone with his sorrow. But she had to stop beating herself up. She had to start thinking about her own feelings as well, otherwise his sorrow would start to gnaw on her soul too. At first it looked as if he was asleep, but the second her bare feet crossed the threshold he turned his head towards her. Her sharp intake of air was buffered by the vulnerability in his eyes.
"Liz…" he whispered. "I didn't think you would come."
"I couldn't sleep," she answered, trying to make it sound as if that was the main reason why she was there.
He nodded quietly, his gaze fixed on her face. She bit her lower lip and slowly moved into the room. The air was heavy and silent around her. It felt as if she was walking into a church. A sense of deep respect reached into her and commanded her to listen.
He must've sense the hint of discomfort in her movements. "Do you want to go somewhere else?"
She met his eyes, trying to decide what he wanted. From where she was standing, he seemed genuine about moving somewhere else if she wanted to. "If you are okay with it…"
He nodded and stood up, "Okay."

It hit her as he slowly and carefully closed the door behind him, as if Joshua was taking a nap inside and shouldn't be disturbed, that if she would remain in Max's life Joshua and Tess would remain a constant part of their life. Was she really ready for that?
"You okay?"
She looked up at him and realized that they were already downstairs and Max was looking at her worriedly.
"Max," she couldn't meet his eyes, "we need to be honest with each other."
He nodded and sank down in the couch behind him.
"What did you mean with that 'she's gone'?" Liz asked.
He looked straight at her then, forcing her to meet his eyes. "This might sound strange but in a way I told her to leave and now she's gone. The part of my life that she once filled is not hers anymore. It's yours."
She couldn't stop his words from giving her new hope. Yet again. But she quickly swallowed it. She wouldn't let him do this to her once more.
"Yes, you keep saying that, Max, and then everything is okay for awhile. But as soon as something important happens between us you pull away."
Max stared at her. "I… I…"
"I need to know. Are you absolutely sure that she's gone?"

Max looked down for a couple of seconds before he rose from the sofa, positioning himself very close to her. She had to fight not to close her eyes at the sensation of him softly cradling her cheek, his thumb lightly brushing over her cheekbone.
"Listen to me. I was lost before, I admit that. Even though you have helped me more than you'll ever understand you also complicated everything."
He saw the hurt explode in her eyes along with fresh tears, and he hurried to continue. He had caused her too much harm already. "In the beginning, your presence here made me feel worse-"
She tried to pull away from him, but he caught her arm and held on tightly. "Just listen, Liz."
"Why?" she cried, tears running down her cheeks, her body trembling with pain.
"You wanted honesty, I'm giving you honesty."
She sniffled and swallowed. He could see in her eyes that she still wanted to run away, but still she stopped fighting him – physically.
"It made it worse because you forced me to see life again. You were trying to force something out of my life that I had been holding onto for so long that I had forgotten how to let go and it hurt. It really hurt, Liz. But I think that a part of me was begging you to continue because I knew that I didn't want to live out the rest of my life trapped in a fantasy world with my dead wife and son."
She let him put his arms around her and pull her towards him, hugging her close. He could feel the trembles going through her body and at this point he wasn't sure if it was because of her crying or if it was due to something else.

"Last night was the most amazing night." His voice was low in her ear, caressing the broken pieces of her heart and gently pushing her insecurities away. "I love you so much. I can understand if you can't see it, because I'm acting so strangely, but I love you so much I don't know what to do. I just know that I can't survive if you're not here."
"I know," she whispered.
She softly moved out of his embrace and looked up at him. She never stopped to take his breath away. He had never seen her any more beautiful. Everything she was feeling, everything she was thinking at that exact moment was displayed for him to see. She was so open it made him want to cry for all the pain he'd caused her over the last weeks.
"I could see it. I could see how much you loved me when we were making love. That's why it hurt so much when you left me. I couldn't understand why you would pull back because I had seen you that night, Max. For the first time I really saw you."
He brushed a futile tear off her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I'm so sorry for leaving you. I'm so sorry."
"I don't think I can handle you doing that. I love you too much. I can't deal with you pushing me away whenever it becomes too much for you."
"I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say. How could he prove to her that he pulled away to get perspective and that it was now clear to him.
As if answering his silent question, she said quietly, "I can see that you're sorry, Max. Please just… just tell me instead why you left. Why couldn't you talk to me about it?"

"This is still very new for me, Liz."
"What is?"
"This talking thingy. Isabel always used to call me Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, and I don't think she grabbed that concept out of thin air. It's still really difficult to talk about what I'm feeling, because half of the time I don't even know what I'm feeling. It's very scary at times."
She offered him a weak smile, trying to show that she was there for him, but she was too shaky to be able to muster up too much compassion. "You could've just told me that. That you were scared and didn't know what you felt. That would've helped."
Max smiled at her with a hint of disbelief. "Are you really sure that you would've wanted to hear that before? That I was scared? You might feel now that it would've been better if I had told you something instead of just walking out of the bedroom, but I think that everything I could've said then would've hurt you. It had nothing to do with you, Liz. I needed to sort it out by myself. I think that us…" his voice lowered to a soft intimate timber, "…making love was the best thing that could happen. It set me straight. It made me see clearly and I just had to literally move Tess out of my head. Do you understand what I mean?"
"I think so," Liz whispered.

Silence fell over them with such suddenness that all they could do was to look at each other.
"Are we okay?" Max asked a couple of minutes later.
"We'll have to work on it, but yeah… I think we're okay," Liz sniffled, brushing the remaining tears away from her eyes. "But if you do this again, if you pull away, I'm getting Maria."
Max laughed, removing the last strings of despair out of Liz's heart. "I don't think either of us wants that to happen."
He looked at her closely, trying to decide for himself if she was really okay.
"I'm getting there," she answered quietly.
He shook his head lightly. How was it that she already could read him so well when he felt like he still had so much left to learn about her? His eyes drifted to her lips and he leaned forward, capturing her soft lips in a featherlike kiss.
"Thank you," he whispered simply.

-------------------------------------------------

"How do you know that it's all sunshine and fluffy pink clouds from now on?"
Liz looked at Maria in incomprehension. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, babe. How do you know that he won't hurt you again in another one of his dark phases, which seems to be hitting him every time you are happy?"
"I guess I don't," Liz answered, avoiding Maria's eyes.
Of course she was scared of that. She knew that she was yet again putting her heart in jeopardy, but she couldn't help it. She had to give it another chance, even if it was the last one.
"I can't let him go. He's too important to me now."
Maria looked at her for a long time in a silence that seemed almost inhuman coming from Maria. Then she scooted closer to Liz on the couch and put an arm around her shoulders.
"I know that he is, sweetie," Maria said softly. "I realized very early that he was something special. But special or not, he's still human, he's still a man, and we still don't understand them."
Liz laughed lightly. "So, how is Michael doing?"
"Nah-uh, don't try to change the subject," Maria said quickly, the small blush raising on her cheeks the only sign that Liz had hit the mark. She cleared her throat and pulled Liz into a hug. "He might be worth your effort in the end but not if he keeps hurting you like this. If he does it again you have to leave him alone and let him heal on his own, because if he keeps hurting you he's certainly not ready for you yet."
Liz's arms tightened around her best friend. "Thank you, Maria, for looking after me."
Maria pulled away, trying to be as discreet as possible as she brushed some tears away from her cheeks. "Hey, that's what I'm here for."
"Hey Maria."

The two girls both jumped at the voice.
"God, Max, you scared the crap out of me," Maria hissed, looking back at Liz for support. But Liz was staring at Max and Maria stilled, observing her friend. Liz really was terribly in love with that man.
"Girl, you're so obvious," Maria whispered to Liz.
Liz turned her head towards Maria and looked at her slightly confused. But Maria just raised one pointed eyebrow and then turned to Max.
"The only reason that I haven't killed you yet is because my friend here seems to think that you are worth saving."
"Maria," Liz groaned.
Max knew Maria well enough by now to be able to separate the truth from the fiction in her message and he remained serious. "I don't know what I've done to deserve her."
His eyes automatically drifted to Liz who was looking at him with a soft secret smile adoring her lips.
"Beats me," Maria answered. "But seriously Max," Max tore his eyes away from Liz and looked at Maria, "if you ever feel the need to do something again that you think might hurt Liz, let her go first. She might not know it yet, but as a friend, I know that she can't handle anymore."
"You have my word," Max answered.
"Good. Now, not to be rude or anything but you kinda interrupted best friend quality time here, so could you just…" Maria nodded her head in the direction of the stairs, hinting that he should go somewhere else.
"Maria," Liz warned.
"No, that's okay," Max said. "I completely understand. I have some work to do anyway." He stepped closer to the sofa and bent down and gave Liz a gentle kiss. Pulling back so that his face was a mere inch away from hers, their eyes locked, he added quietly; "I'll see you later, beautiful."
With that he straightened up and smiled at Maria. "It was nice to see you again, Maria."
"You too, Max," Maria said genuinely.

As soon as Max was out of earshot Maria leaned closer to Liz. "Did something else happen? It feels like there's something I'm missing here. You said that you had a talk about him getting rid of Tess, was that all?"
Liz's eyes dropped to her hands and as the Liz's cheeks warmed, Maria's mouth fell open.
"You didn't!"
"What do you mean?" Liz mumbled, forcing herself to meet Maria's eyes. Which probably was a bad choice because Maria could read everything she needed to know in Liz's eyes.
"You did!" Maria exclaimed, pointing at Liz triumphantly.
"Maria, sshhh," Liz hushed, glancing at the stairs.
But Maria was oblivious to everything except her new revelation.
"You had sex!"
"Shhhh, Maria!" Liz hushed, mortified. Being such close friends with someone had its advantages, but also its disadvantages. This would be one of those disadvantages. Not even her sex-life would remain secret.
"When?"
"Yesterday."
"Oh my God! I guess he really convinced you that Tess was gone, didn't he?"
"Uhm… that was afterwards."

If possible, Maria's jaw dropped even further.
"Okay, I want to know everything!"
Liz frowned, "That's private, Maria."
"Not the sex-part," Maria corrected with an eye roll, "Although I'm expecting an evaluation about that later." Liz just shook her head in amusement. "How was it that you sorted things out after you had sex?"
So Liz told her everything that had happened that night. How they had gone to the bowling alley and how they had both been feeling really good and normal that night. She told her about how they had ended up on the couch watching TV and later how that had changed into kissing and continued on from there, getting even more intimate. She told Maria about Max pulling away in the morning and leaving her alone, and lastly Maria found out most of the details of the conversation they'd had afterwards.
"God, Liz. You two do it all, don't you?" Maria said slowly. "How did we end up here? I used to be the one everything happened to and I had all these complicated relationships, but you… gosh Liz… how did everything get turned upside down?"
"We fell in love," Liz answered.
Maria answered with a smile, her thoughts directly going to her own man, who had bought her a puppy yesterday, which she had yet to tell Liz. "We sure did."

TBC...