Chapter 43

A week later

She grabbed the edge of the counter as another dizzy spell made the surroundings dance around her. What was wrong with her? She opened her eyes to find Max looking at her.
"Are you okay?"
She swallowed back the nausea and nodded. "I'm fine."
The concern was still present in his eyes but she could almost hear him forcing it out of his system, trying not to let it hold his attention for too long. He came around up behind her and put his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder.
"So, what are you up to today?" he murmured.
"I'm going shopping with Maria."
"Okay," he kissed her throat lightly. "How about I cook dinner for us tonight?"
"Wonderful," she smiled. "I'll get some videos and we can have a hardcore movie night."
He laughed and gave her a peck on the cheek before moving away. "It's a date."

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"Okay, sit down," Maria ordered, pointing at one of the chairs outside a café they were just about to pass.
"I'm fine," Liz protested.
"Don't even try pulling that crap on me, Liz," Maria said, looking offended that Liz would even attempt lying to her. "You look as if you're about to throw up any second."
Liz sank down on one of the chairs, grateful that Maria had given her a reason to sit down.
"I'm fine," Liz repeated, but her short breath got caught in her throat betraying her of the disguise that everything was okay.
Maria narrowed her eyes and for a second Liz thought that Maria was going to slap her.
"How many years have we been friends, Liz?"
Liz looked at her best friend confused. "Uhm… since we were like five or something."
"Do you really think that you can fool me that everything is okay when, one, you are suffering from a heart condition, second, I know your facial expressions like the back of my hand, and third, that I know that you always try to put up a façade that everything is okay even though it's not?"
Liz lowered her eyes and took a deep breath. When she spoke, her voice was quiet and trembling. "Don't worry, Maria. I called Dr. Stevens earlier today."
Liz could feel the heaviness of Maria's concern slamming into her and she had to struggle to fight back her own tears of fear.
"What's wrong?" Maria whispered and Liz felt the guilt come creeping for once again being the reason of Maria's concern.
A single tear escaped Liz's eye and she answered softly. "I don't know. I've been feeling nauseous for about two days but this morning was the first time I felt dizzy."
"Have you been taking your pills?" Maria asked.
Liz nodded, removing another tear from her cheek. She was scared to death. She knew that a heart transplant could mean that she could live anywhere from one day to ten years. Time after those ten years became outside of the ordinary; the chance of surviving for more than ten years was slim. Her body might at the moment be rejecting the heart that was keeping her alive and she knew, from bitter meetings with doctors, that she could be dead tomorrow. The future was never certain.

She felt Maria's arms around her and gratefully succumbed to the warmth and comfort of her friend's embrace.
"Have you talked to Max yet?"
"I don't want him to know. I want to see if there's something wrong first and then when I have the answers I can handle a discussion with him. I don't want to worry him if this is something that is going to blow over."
"He will know that something is wrong."
"He already knows," Liz answered, pulling back from Maria's hug. "I can see that he's trying to not be too overprotective. I can see that he's fighting to not be like Kevin; to not suffocate me with concern. But it's part of his personality."
"I don't think it's a personality issue," Maria answered. "He loves you and you have a heart condition. He's worried that something is going to happen to you. It's just part of him caring for you. He needs to know, Liz."
"I will tell him. As soon as I've spoken with Dr. Stevens."
"When is your appointment?"
"At three."
Maria gave her a weak smile. "Okay, sweetie. Let's push it to the side and enjoy our day. I'm sure everything's fine."
Liz could easily pick out the insecurity in Maria's reassurance, but as they always would, they pretended that everything was perfectly alright.

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"Elizabeth, please take a seat."
Liz took a deep breath and sat down on the examination table. She knew that the test results probably weren't very good if she was asked to sit down.
Dr. Stevens cleared his throat, skimmed through his notes for about twenty seconds which had Liz fidgeting, and then looked up to meet Liz's large fearful eyes.
"Elizabeth, you are pregnant."
"What?" Liz breathed. Suddenly she wasn't sure if she should cry or laugh, but tears of relief revealed themselves at their own will, and stunned she just stared at the doctor. She had expected to hear that she was going to die, but instead she gets the message that she's created life.
"Are you sure?" she whispered, trying to put dates and circumstances together in her head. "Because I always use protection." With a frown, she added, "We used a condom."
"Condoms have a 2 failure rate," Dr. Stevens said.
"Oh my God," Liz murmured. "Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure that I'm pregnant?"
"Yes," Dr. Stevens answered.
Sighing, he pulled his chair up close to the examination table, sat down and looked at Liz with grave seriousness.
"If you were a healthy woman, a pregnancy wouldn't cause much trouble. But you are a heart transplant recipient, Liz."
"What do you suggest?" Liz asked monotonously. But she already knew the answer. She'd always known that becoming a mother was something she would never accomplish.
"That you terminate the pregnancy. Both for the sake of your wellbeing and your baby's."
Liz swallowed back her tears. Her baby. How could the possible killing of a couple of cells that had barely formed a fetus yet already create a black void of sorrow in her heart?
"Is there any change at all for me to be able to go through this pregnancy?" Liz asked.
Dr. Stevens looked at her in silence for a long time before answering. He could read the hope in the young woman, the longing to become a mother, but he wouldn't sugarcoat any of the information. He needed Liz to understand that continuing her pregnancy could kill her.

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Liz slightly jumped when Max placed his hand over hers.
"Liz, are you okay?"
She avoided his concerned look and put her energy in placing the dining knife exactly parallel to the fork on her plate.
"You've been somewhere else all evening," Max continued.
She looked over at the wall and nodded absent-mindedly. "Mmm."
"Liz?" The persistence in his voice translated into him squeezing her hand to get her attention. "What happened?"
Liz closed her eyes, wondering for the millionth time how she should break it to him. Because she had to tell him. She couldn't hide something like this from him. She unconsciously started to fidget with the ring on her finger, avoiding meeting his eyes. His need to know what was happening was pressing down on her and it felt like the air around her was running out of oxygen.
She took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I guess I should just tell you."
His grip on her hand tightened and she could see on his face that he was trying his best to remain neutral in spite of the tension in his body.
She looked away from him, smiled nervously and said, "I'm pregnant."
She could feel the slight jump of confusion in the hand that was grabbing hers. Then there was silence and he pulled his hand away. She forced herself to look at him, but he was staring down in the table.

"Max?" She didn't recognize the ghost of her own voice as it insecurely fluttered across the table.
"You can't be," Max whispered, his eyes flickering across the surface of the table, unseeing and panicking.
"I had them run the test three times. I'm pregnant."
"But we used… We used protection." He looked up and the fear in his eyes cut through her heart like a knife cutting through butter. Even though his reaction was understandable, even predictable, she had wished that he had been happily surprised instead.
"The protection obviously didn't work," Liz said softly.
He stared at her, his mouth half-open, his eyes showing the fervent workings of his brain. Then his eyes regained focus and his gaze changed to look straight into her.
"What about you? Are you okay? Is your heart okay?"
She couldn't help but smile, even though the smile was bittersweet.
She knew that he could see past the lie, yet she still tried. "I'm fine. Just a little tired."
His eyes moved over her face, trying to see past her words. When he stood up, Liz followed his movements with rising sense of dread. Was he just going to leave? He moved around the table, stopped right next to her and put his hand out in inviting gesture.
She swallowed and placed her hand in his. He pulled her up by the hand and enveloped her in his arms. Tremors went through their embrace, but she didn't know if it was her or him that was trembling.
His breath was warm against her neck, comforting. "I'm sorry."
She felt like crying, but she couldn't. "It takes two, Max."
A shudder of pleasure went through her when he softly and slowly placed a kiss on the side of her neck. A wave of love moved through her and she stepped even closer to him, trying to drown herself in his warmth and smell.
"I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but I'll be by your side through the whole procedure."

Liz tensed up, suspecting what he was hinting at wasn't what she wanted. "What do you mean?"
"The abortion," Max answered. "You're getting an abortion, right?"
She stepped away from him, suddenly feeling nauseous. Of course, she had expected him to say it. It was what the doctor had recommended, even pushed for her to do. On some level she even knew that he was only looking out for her, but it still hurt that he wanted them to remove their child, something they had created together.
"I'm not feeling too good," she mumbled, her eyes stuck to the floor. "I'm gonna take a nap."
Before she had a chance to move out of his way, his hand grabbed around her upper arm, stopping her in her flight.
"No, Liz. We have to talk about this. You are not actually considering going through with this pregnancy?"
She knew that she was being stupid. She knew it. Still she couldn't stop herself from wanting to have this child. She might be selfish and irrational, but she had never even thought that she would become pregnant. She had always abolished the thought as impossible, but the knowledge that she would never be able to have a child had at the same time grown to an insatiable need inside of her.

She felt ashamed. She knew that she would get everyone against her, but this was her life and her body. She wanted a child.
"Other people in my position have had children."
There was a few seconds of dead silence and then she heard Max spoke through clenched jaw, telling her without having to look at him that he was getting angry. "What did Dr. Stevens say? Or maybe you didn't tell him about your plans?"
"He told me to terminate the pregnancy."
"And why did he tell you that, Liz? Is there maybe a reason why a doctor with a medical degree and years of experience will tell you to abort your child?"
"Don't speak to me like that," Liz looked up at him, feeling hurt and alone.
"Just listen to yourself, Liz. You are putting your own life in jeopardy."
She didn't want to cry. She wanted to remain strong and level-headed, but her heart had a will of its own.
With a single frustrated tear running down her cheek, she said slowly, "You don't even know how it's like not to be able to have children. You had a child. You went through pregnancy with your wife, the birth of your son. You saw him grow up. You had someone to love."
"He died, Liz!"
She took a step away from him at the coldness of his voice and the fire in his dark eyes.
"Believe me, you don't want to see someone grow up and love him so much, to later bury him."

"Not everyone dies, Max. I mean, everyone dies, but you… they just had… they were just at the wrong place at the wrong time."
"Damnit, Liz." He spit the words out, disbelief in his eyes. "Wrong place at the wrong time? What the hell is that? A fucking drunk killed them. It can happen to anyone, but it happened to Josh and Tess."
"I know, Max, and I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean that you should never love again. If you would use that reasoning about everything, you should throw me out as well."
"This is not about me, Liz. This is about you and you putting your life in danger. The reason why I don't want you to do this is because I love you so much. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you."
He angrily brushed some tears of his cheek. "Don't do this, Liz. I would love to have a child with you, but you have to be realistic."
"I want to have a child with you, Max. I want to give you a child."
"Don't Liz…"
"I want to have a family with you. I want to be normal."
"You can be normal without having a child."
"No, I can't."
Max looked away, trying to stop himself from saying the wrong things in the heat of the moment. Instead he reached out and pulled her close. She struggled at first, but he held on.
"Then think about Maria. Think about your parents. Think about me. You don't know how much you mean to all of us. We don't want anything else from you but you. You don't have to prove anything. Do you want to put us through the risk of losing you, and maybe even an anticipated child, in childbirth? Or even during the pregnancy. Your body can barely work for you alone, how is it going to be able to work for another person inside of you? You know that you're talking nonsense."

"I know," Liz sobbed. "I know that it would mean a big risk, but there's nothing I want more than to have this child. Please let me do it."
He took a deep breath and she sensed from the tension in his body that it took a lot of him to say, "I'm gonna stand by you whatever you choose to do, but you should know that I'm gonna do everything in my power to stop you from making the wrong choice."
His words didn't really make her feel better. They were still divided. But right now, she wouldn't change her mind and she had a feeling he wouldn't change his either.
"I talked about it with Dr. Stevens and he said that it was possible but that there were risks involved."
"I love you so much," Max whispered, hugging her close as if he was trying to remove this whole bad thing.
"I'm not gonna die," Liz said, not really sure why she said it, because it didn't really help the situation at all.
"We'll talk about this later, okay?"

TBC...