I give a very small sigh, and look away from the fashion magazine Rachel and I are flipping through. My brother is seated on the couch with his eldest son and his nephew, eagerly going through old photo albums. Our past intrigues both Ben and Daniel a great deal, as if they have a hard time accepting that we had a life before them. I suppose that they have chosen an album from when Ben was a baby; they often do when Ben comes to visit and the two boys are incessantly asking Ross questions.
"Is that Uncle Chandler too, dad?" I hear Ben ask and my brother quickly confirms it. I wonder quietly what goes through Daniel's mind when he looks at a picture of Chandler. Does he notice the fact that he and the man from my past have a number of features in common? Does he look into his own eyes as he looks into Chandler's? Can he see that Chandler's mouth quirks into a smile in the exact way that his own mouth does? Can my friends see it? I know that Rachel and Phoebe can.
"Do you ever wonder what our lives would have been like if he had stayed?" Rachel's voice brings me back from my thoughts and I turn my attention to her. "Chandler, I mean." I nod imperceptibly, unsure of what to answer. Would he have stayed and tried his best to be a dad to our son if I had told him? Would he have had feelings for me, like I had feelings for him?
"Yeah." I answer, non-committed, and look back at my son. Would he have been happier if he had had a father? Would he have had more friends? Would he have been someone different? "But I always sort of figured that he would be the first to leave. Either him or Phoebe." Rachel nod and we turn back to the magazine. I know that there are things she wants to ask me. Things she needs to have confirmed. I know it will be hard not to lie to her.
"Do you wish he had stayed?" I know where Rachel is going with her questions. She wants me to admit that Chandler is Daniel's father. We have played this game a countless amount of times in the past. For the very first time, though, I really ponder the question. Yes, I wished he had stayed, because he was my friend. If he had stayed, Daniel would have known the man that was his father, even though I am not entirely sure I would have been able to tell Chandler that Daniel was his son as well. If he had stayed, I might have been able to work through my feelings for him, or accept them. Life is good without him, but if he had stayed, everything might have been so much better.
"Yes." I tell Rachel, and she looks surprised at my straightforward answer. "I wish Chandler had stayed… because I needed him. Daniel needed him." The world seems to stop around me and I realize that my voice rang out loud and clear, and that I did not whisper as I intended to. Ross looks at me from the couch; Rachel's hand slowly finds mine and I feel her squeeze it. I meet my son's confused gaze. I know that he doesn't understand the meaning of what I just said. I know that he is just scared because his uncle stopped talking mid-sentence to look at me. Scared because I am crying, and Rachel looks worried. He is scared because his uncle is looking mad; and how is he supposed to know that Ross isn't angry with him, or with me, or with anyone in the room.
"Daniel needs Chandler!" Ross voice sounds weird as it breaks the silence of the room. Ben looks uncomfortable, and as Ross practically throws the photo album down on my coffee table my son starts to cry. "Why? Why, why, why… would Daniel need Chandler?" As the truth starts sipping through the perfect lie I have promoted all these years, I feel my barriers break down. Rachel's hand is on my back now, and even though tears are running down my face and I feel like I can barely breathe, I don't make a move. Ross keeps blurting out questions and I just want to make him stop. When I don't answer him he storms out the window to the balcony.
"Ben?" Rachel's voice is soft and calm, a relief after Ross' strong words. I can't bear to look at my nephew, because I know that he is doing his best trying to comfort my son right now. Rachel fumbles with her purse and gets out a few bills. "Ben, honey, would you please take your brother and sister and your cousin and go across the hall to your uncle Joey and tell him that I want him to take you guys out for an ice cream." I look up to see her help her children get their clothes on; Ted and Hannah look scared too, but she keeps whispering to them and soon they are smiling again. Daniel is still sitting on the couch; I can see the top of his head sticking up over the back of it. Ben pries him off it, and I am eternally grateful to the boy. As Rachel rushes them through the door, I meet Daniel's gaze to tell him that everything will be fine. He still looks scared, but I know that he is looking forward to an ice-cream. He waves as he closes the door, trying on a little smile, and as the door closes with a soft thud, I explode with tears again.
"Oh, hun, I'm so sorry!" Rachel whispers as she pulls me into her arms. "I didn't mean to…" And I know she didn't. We both knew that she knew; and we both knew that Ross would, under all circumstances, be better off not knowing. I nod, trying to let her know that I don't blame her. I could, after all, have played along with the charade for a while longer, at least until Rachel and I were alone. She holds me until I run out of tears. I release myself from her arms, and we sit for a few minutes and just look at each other.
"So he really is Daniel's father, huh?" Rachel says after a while and all I can do is smile. She looks doubtful, but then her lips break into a smile like my own and I give her a hug. The relief of finally not having to lie any longer makes the contents of the truth seem less irrelevant. Ross stomps back trough the living room, and as I look up at him I know that he is not ready to forget about anything.
"Why would Daniel need Chandler, Mon?" I look up at him and I realize that he really seems to be confused. "He's already got me and Joey, what good w-would Chandler do?" My eyes go foggy again at the mentioning of Chandler, and Rachel gives a loud sigh.
"For god's sake, Ross!" She snaps, clearly annoyed, and I bend my head, prepared for the truth, brutally delivered by an irritated Rachel Green. "You're not really that stupid, are you? Chandler is Daniel's dad." There is a tiny, tiny hint of triumph in her voice, but I forget all about it as my brother flops down on the kitchen chair next to me.
"Chandler is Daniel's dad?" I wonder if his words seem as weird to him as they do to me and I look up to meet his gaze. I always imagined that he would be angry. That he would vow to hunt Chandler down and kill him on the spot. But right now, he looks more like if I had just torn his world apart and left him sitting in the rubble. He looks into my eyes, and as he does, I know that he realizes that they aren't the same as Daniel's, there is a certain difference, and then it seems to dawn on him. "Oh, my god!" He whispers, and I almost feel sorry for him. "Oh my god, is that why he left?"
"No." I whisper, and the words that come out of my mouth seem crueler than they ever have in my head. "He doesn't know." Suddenly, they are both staring at me, and I realized that even though they would have hated Chandler for abandoning me with a child, this was just one bit worse.
"He doesn't know?" Rachel's words echo mine, and her hand is gone from mine. I feel cold all of a sudden. I am scared. Do they think that I am a bad mother? I know that I do, but do they? "Were you ever planning on telling him?" I fiddle with the edge of the table cloth, and Rachel asks me again: "Were you going to tell him?"
"I don't know." I admit. "Look, I didn't find out I was pregnant until he had moved to the house with Kathy, and it wasn't as if we were in a relationship or anything." I wait for them to say something, but I realize that they are waiting for me to tell them the whole story. "There was just one night. In London. After the rehearsal dinner. I was feeling a little depressed because a man thought that I was your mother, and then mom kept making comments about the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend, but Chandler was being really sweet to me. I really needed to feel loved that night, and Chandler, well… um, he gave me that." Rachel's hand finds mine again, and I smile weakly at her. "We decided to leave behind what happened that night. But it was never the same. He might have left because of that, but he didn't abandon us." I look up at them, and meet my brother's gaze. He looks away and hurries to get on his feet.
"I need some air." He tells us, and Rachel nods. "I can't… I don't really know how to deal with this right now." He grabs his coat, and slams the door shut. I lean into Rachel's embrace, and even though we both have things we need to say, we just stay at the table, thinking about all the things that could have been different.