"Mom?" My son pulls on the sleeve of my jacket as I fight to open our mailbox. Three grocery bags surround me, and I still have one in my arms, my purse hangs from the hook of my arm together with three shopping bags. I am annoyed to say the least. "Mom? Can I get a yo-yo? Clara's brother has a yo-yo, and he showded me all the tricks you can do, and I want one mommy, please can I have one?" I struggle to lock the mailbox again, my arm tired of lifting all the bags. I throw the key band around my neck and bend to get the rest of the bags. I find Daniel rummaging through the one I put the eggs in.
"Daniel!" I reprimand, and his blue eyes center on mine. He looks innocent and he puts on a smile. He tells me that he only wanted a grape. "Later, honey." I give a sigh and kneel down to lift up the bags. I wish to God that he would either give me another pair of arms, or make grocery bags with handles.
"Oh, but mommy, I really wanted a grape." He sulks and runs up the stairs ahead of me, I take it slow, my arms feel like they are going to fall off, and I wonder why an elevator would be so wrong to install. So what if they would have to use Joey's entire bathroom? I sigh and start on the last flight of stairs. "Hey!" I hear my son say, and I wonder briefly to whom. "You're in mommy's photo album!" I stop dead in the middle of the stairs, and my thoughts race.
"Yeah, I suppose I am." Chandler's soft voice answers and I force myself to take another step. I need to prevent the catastrophe before it happens. Chandler is not supposed to be here; he's not supposed to talk to Daniel. He's not supposed to be in our lives any more. I need the control of where Chandler is or isn't.
"You're Ben's uncle Chandler!" My son pronounces proudly and I take the last few steps up to the landing. Daniel is smiling up at Chandler, and Chandler looks shocked. I don't know what to do. "Look, mommy!" My son notices me and I put on a half-smile. Chandler turns around slowly. "Look, it's Ben's uncle Chandler!" He says, beaming with pride. I keep my eyes fixed on my son, who is bouncing up and down, and gesturing at the newcomer.
"Monica." Chandler says quietly, and I force myself to look at him. His eyes look hurt, and I realize with dread that he knows. Someone has told him my secret, and now he knows. He knows that the bouncy kid at his feet is his son. He knows that I have kept that fact a secret for seven years. I try a weak smile, but he doesn't return it.
"Chandler." I stutter out, and he looks away a little. I put the bags down and fumble with the keys in the lock. Daniel looks at me weirdly, and I sense that he is a little apprehensive of the stranger named Chandler now that he sees that he makes me nervous.
"I need to talk to you." Chandler tells me as I let my son inside the door. I only nod. I put the rest of the bags down on the floor and I close the door slightly. "We can't do this here." He says; his words and his tone short. I bend my head.
"Then I need to put the groceries away." I tell him and he makes a sound almost as if he was snorting at me. "They'll go bad." I meet his gaze and he shrugs, I open the door, asking him to come in. He hesitates for a second, but then he walks in, back to his past. He takes a seat at the kitchen table, not offering me any help with my bags. Daniel comes skipping out from his room, a happy smile on his face.
"Mommy, may I have a grape now?" He asks, and I stare at him dumbfounded for a few seconds. "Grapes, mommy?" He asks again, tilting his head. His smile fades when I don't return it, and he looks wearily at Chandler. I get some grapes out of the bag, and I wash them under the sink. "When's dinner mommy? Is he staying for dinner?" He sends Chandler a look and I meet Chandler's gaze. He shakes his head slowly.
"No." I tell my son, and he looks a little pleased, but he doesn't say anything. He plops down on the couch and gets his Playstation out from underneath the coffee table. Out of the corner of my eye I see Chandler turn slightly and look at Daniel. I feel guilty. Wouldn't Chandler have made a great father if I had told him? Wouldn't he have shaped up and taken his responsibility? I suppose now that he would have. I open the fridge to put some of the groceries in, Chandler turns back to face me.
"Your brother called me yesterday." He tells me all of a sudden and his voice startles me a little. The admission doesn't surprise me in the least. I figured that he had heard it from Ross, considering the fact that my brother has been refusing my calls for the past week since I told him the truth. I close the fridge door. He stands up and takes a few steps towards me. I feel myself shrink away. "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?" I meet his gaze. He still looks crushed. I give a loud sigh.
"Yes." I answer, and Chandler looks a little surprised. I let my gaze wander to my son. Our son, I correct myself in my head. "I just can't do it when he's here." Chandler's gaze travels back to Daniel. It stays there for a little while and I wonder what goes through his head. "If you stay for dinner, we can talk after I've put Danny to bed."
"I need to go home." I curse at myself for not realizing that he might have a family by now, a wife and kids, even though I never pictured him to be that kind of man. I give a sigh, and open the fridge again. I take out some more grapes and a meatball sub I picked up on the way home.
"Danny?" I call out and he obediently pause his game and turns around on the couch. "I need to talk to Chandler, could you go across the hall to Uncle Joey's?" He looks at me and then at Chandler. I wonder how he doesn't notice how similar they look. "Here's a meatball sub to keep him happy, and here're some more grapes for you." He gives an audible sigh, but turns the Playstation off, puts it back under the table neatly, and makes his way to the kitchen table. Chandler gives him a small smile. "And Danny, please do us a favor and don't tell Uncle Joey that Chandler is here. Can you do that, sweetie? It's important that we get to talk in private." Daniel looks up at me and then eyes Chandler.
"It's okay. I'm just going to talk to your mom." He says, and puts on a smile that could have fooled me. Daniel smiles back a little and moves for the door. As he grabs the handle he, turns back, and smiles innocently.
"If I don't tell Uncle Joey anything, I want ice cream for dessert." I don't normally crumble under blackmailing, but today, I buy anything he offers.
"It's a deal." I relent, and Daniel skips out the door. Chandler stares at me for a long time after Daniel has shut the door behind him. I know that he waits for me to say something, but I don't know where to start.
"So, eh… Are-are you still with Kathy?" I stumble over the words, but I need to know how many lives I have destroyed by keeping this from him; mine, Chandler's and Daniel's aside. Is he married? Has Daniel got half-brothers or sisters? Did he ever think of me? Of what we could have had? Of that wonderful night in London? Did he ever, like me, regret our decision to leave it behind; to write it off as a thing we only did in London?
"God, no." He answers after a bit; obviously having to think a little to follow my train of thought. "No, she cheated on me again, but that's ages ago." I look at him, feeling a little sorry for him, and I wonder if things could have been different. He doesn't seem to want to say anything else no matter how much I look at him. I give a small smile. Why does he have to make this so hard? Something in the back of my head tells me that it would have been so much easier seven years ago. I truly regret not doing this then. Still, I need to know how many lives I will ruin now.
"Do you… I mean, are you married?" He snaps his head up to meet my gaze. I sigh and sit down at the table across from Chandler. "Look, I know I should have done this seven years ago, but I didn't, and I'm so, so sorry for that, but I can't do it now if I don't know anything about you. Are you married? Do you have kids? How many more lives have I screwed up?" He shakes his head sadly, but still there is a small smile on his face.
"I was married, but I'm not now. I guess, maybe, that I'm not really the kind of guy who marries, you know." He stops talking, almost mid-sentence as if he realizes that he is giving a bit too much information to someone who he has not seen for seven years. "No kids." He adds, as an afterthought, and then opens his mouth to add something else, but he can't really seem to find words, so he gives up.
"I'm sorry." I tell him, and he looks away a little. "I'm sorry for everything." He turns to face me again, and I can see that he is sad.
"Look, just tell me if Ross was telling me the truth or not. I j-just need to know." As I meet his gaze, I can see that this has really bothered him, maybe even kept him up since he talked to Ross on the phone. The fact makes the guilt rise further in my throat. "Monica?" He demands and I fight to find the words. "Is he really… y'know… is Daniel…er... mine?" I close my eyes hard to the dizzying thoughts which swivel through my head. I bite my teeth together not to gag, and I force myself to take deep breaths.
"Yes." I manage weakly and Chandler stumbles from his chair and over to the couch. "I'm sorry, Chandler. I-I guess I thought that I was making the right decision at the time." He looks like he wants to yell at me. He looks as if he wants to cry, and turn back the time and make things right. The way things were supposed to be. He stumbles towards the door, and quickly swings it open. "Chandler?" I ask, the panic I feel inside tinting my voice. He stops in the door way and turns his head to face me. There are tears on his face, and I feel bad. I feel worthless. I am cruel.
"I would have wanted to know, Monica." He says quietly, but still clearly, and I don't really know what to do with myself. "I wanted to know…" He whispers once more before he closes the door carefully and makes his way down the stairs. When I can no longer hold the breath I was holding, I break into tears. I could have had the life I always wanted, with the man I never knew I wanted, and I threw it away because I was afraid of being rejected. I decide that I need to tell Daniel that his father isn't a chef from Philadelphia I met at a convention, and who never gave me his real number. I need my son to know the truth, because I am determined to not ever let Chandler get away again.