Chapter 8-Hermione Jane's Addiction

The days passed with relative calm for both the Charms and Potions Professors as they grew shorter and colder and the students had settled well into a routine. For Severus, there was almost a comfort about being back in his old position. Although he had never enjoyed teaching, Hogwarts was the only place where he ever felt safe. As each day passed, he felt the tension and stress of the past ten years fall away.

He and Hermione had also reached a truce, of sorts. She appeared to have truly forgiven him and still continued to try to be friendly whenever they would pass each other. He still found her cheerfulness annoying, and told her so at every possible opportunity, but tried to refrain from the cruelty of their earlier encounters. He reasoned that if he was going to have to work with her, it would not do to be seen screaming at each other in the halls.

For Hermione, although she was enjoying the days and delighted in teaching, as each day passed she began to feel more and more uneasy. January 9 would be the ten year anniversary of the Final Battle. Already she had received invitations by official Ministry owl to various events commemorating it. She had talked to Harry who had little choice but to attend almost all the events. Although she dreaded it, she finally decided to attend the official ceremony at Phoenix Park, which had once been Riddle Manor, but turned down the ceremony at the Ministry and any "celebrations" that were being held. She did not feel it right to celebrate the death of so many.

She also found that even with the Sleeping Potion, she was still having nightmares, although they were still less intense with the potion. As November came to a close, she realized that the potion she had made shortly before the start of term was quickly running out. She could no longer brew it herself in Professor Snape's lab and she became panicked at the idea of going without. Since the school year had started, she had taken the potion almost every night. In the back of her mind, she knew what she was doing could not be healthy. She was sleeping less and less at night and her mind was so preoccupied with the nightmares, that she was losing her appetite as well. The other teachers had noticed, but in the last week of November, Professor McGonagall finally called her up to her office.

"Come," Hermione heard the sharp voice of the Headmistress call to her as she knocked on her office door. Hermione opened the door to see Minerva look up from a stack of papers she was reading.

"You wanted to see me Professor?" Hermione asked. Minerva beckoned her to come further in and she leaned back in her chair.

"Yes, thanks for coming Hermione." She paused while Hermione took a seat and waited. "I was wondering if everything was alright?"

Hermione looked at her confused. "I don't understand. My classes are all going well. I haven't had any major discipline problems with any of the Gryffindor's. Is there a problem?"

"Oh, no, no. Your teaching has always been exemplary. You just haven't been acting yourself lately. I've noticed you during meals and in the staffroom and you have seemed rather out of sorts. I can tell you haven't been eating and you don't appear to be sleeping well either, from the looks of it. Is anything bothering you?"

"Not that I can think of, Professor," Hermione said shaking her head. Minerva sighed making it plain that she didn't quite believe her.

"I know the ten year anniversary is coming up in a little over a month. Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with that? I know I have been a little preoccupied with my thoughts as the date nears. You lost as much as anyone that day, and more than many."

Hermione felt a lump forming in her throat and she tried to swallow it down. She did not want to sit here and discuss the death of Ron like she was discussing a tea party.

"Really, Professor, I'm fine. I've just overworked myself a little. You know I never know when to quit. I'll try to get a little more rest."

"Ok, but if you feel that you need to talk to someone, you know I will always listen. I might understand better than you think. Have a good evening, Professor Granger." And she turned back to her work as Hermione let herself out of the office.

That night was the second night in a row that Hermione did not have any potion to take. She slept restlessly. In her dreams it was always the Last Battle. She was covered in sweat and the stench of blood was rising up from the ground. She was standing next to Ron and Harry was on the other side of him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mad Eye fall to the ground, Antonin Dolohov standing over him. She then saw Ginny fighting Bellatrix, and appeared to be on the losing end of it. She looked over and knew that Ron had seen the same thing. They both started running.

The next moment always seemed to play out in slow motion during Hermione's dreams. One minute she was upright running with her wand drawn. And then… she had tripped. Tripped over a stupid tree root. Ron's arm reached out to grab her and in that split second of inattention, Bellatrix had fired the curse and Ron was on the ground in front of her. It did not matter that in the next second, Bellatrix herself was dead; killed by Neville who had also come to the aid of Ginny. It did not matter that mere minutes later Voldemort had been killed and the war was over. Nothing matter except that she had tripped. Her stupid error had cost Ron his life.

She kept hoping, praying that it wasn't real. That at any moment he would lift his head, smiling and tell her he was just joking. She prayed that those blank eyes would blink, just once and focus. She prayed that his hand would reach up to her and hold her. But it never happened. And all she could do was hold on to his dead body, her breath coming in frantic gasps, and wonder why she couldn't cry.

Hermione woke suddenly, a scream dying in her throat. Her pillow and face were damp from tears she had cried in her sleep. For all the tears she could not shed at the time, she had cried plenty since. She looked out her window and could see the first faint streaks of light appearing across the sky. She took a drink of water from a cup sitting next to her bed as she tried to form a plan. She had decided that she could not tolerate this every night for the rest of her life and the Sleeping Potion was the only thing that helped.

She quickly dressed and packed a small bag full of the necessary ingredients and went out of her rooms. It was still very early on a Sunday morning, so she knew virtually everyone would still be asleep. She quickly made her way down to the dungeons and almost hesitated before knocking on Snape's door. For a moment she didn't think he was going to answer and then the door swung open. Snape was standing in front of her looking very disgruntled but fully dressed.

'Doesn't the man sleep?' Hermione thought to herself.

"Good morning, Professor," she said as cheerfully as she dared.

"Professor Granger, what in the name of Merlin, are you doing here at six o'clock in the morning? Can your brain not even stop long enough to sleep?"

"I realize this is an inconvenience, but I was wondering if I could borrow the use of your Potions lab? I was hoping to make a Swelling Solution to show my students the difference of the effects between that and an Engorgement Charm."

"Just leave the ingredients, Professor, and I will brew it for you at a decent hour. Now will you please leave me alone?" He made a move to shut the door but Hermione managed to stop him.

"Really, Professor Snape, that isn't necessary. You know I won't harm anything in the lab. If you will just give me permission, I could have it brewed in under an hour and be out of your hair."

"Whatever you say," Severus said glaring at her. "But if I find one thing out of place it will be your neck." And with that he slammed the door.

Hermione heaved a sigh of relief as she walked across to the Potions lab. The Sleeping Potion did not take long to brew, no longer than the Swelling Solution, and with a little luck she would be done and no one would know why she was there.

The brewing was coming along well and Hermione was feeling very pleased with herself. 'Just a few more minutes of stewing and it should be done', she thought glancing at the clock.

She had just poured some of the potion into a large vial when she heard the door open.

"Well, since I was so unceremoniously woken up, I thought I would see if you needed anything," she heard Severus say from the door.

"Oh, no. I'm just fine. Really, I don't need any help." Hermione tried to position herself between Severus and the cauldron. She knew without trying, however, that it would be no use. Snape was one of the greatest Potions Masters this century. She heard him take several more steps into the room until she could feel him standing directly behind her.

"That, Miss Granger, is not a Swelling Solution."

Hermione swallowed and felt her heart beating so hard that it hurt. She did not know how to respond, a lie would never work. He was highly accomplished at Legilimency and would see through it in an instant if he wanted to.

"What are you doing brewing a Sleeping Potion?" he said, his voice deadly calm and quiet. Hermione swallowed hard and decided to go with the truth; a version of it anyway.

"I have been having a hard time sleeping lately. I was hoping that this would help me."

"And why did you not go to Madam Pomfrey? I'm sure she would have been willing to help." She could hear his voice getting angrier as he spoke.

"She would not give it to me," she said in a whisper.

"And why, Miss Granger is that?"

Hermione said nothing. She was unable to bring the words to her mouth.

"Answer me Miss Granger."

"She believes that I have been taking it too frequently," she said with as much bravado as she could muster.

"That is very interesting, Miss Granger," Severus said now walking around to the other side of the cauldron so she was forced to look at him. She kept her eyes on the remainder of the bubbling potion. "I would assume that Madam Pomfrey would have told you the risks involved in taking a Sleeping Potion. Surely she would have mentioned that it can be addictive when taken for too long a time."

"Yes, it was mentioned," Hermione said, still not raising her eyes.

"And tell me, Miss Granger, how long have you been taking it?"

Hermione visibly shuddered at his question. Even admitting it to herself was nearly impossible. How was she ever supposed to admit it to her worst enemy?

"Tell me," his voice was no longer as quiet, but still just as dangerous. She said nothing.

"TELL ME!" he yelled at her, his features contorted with anger.

"Since the Final Battle." Her voice was so quiet that most people would have strained to have heard. However, she could tell that Snape had heard just fine. His eyes widened with shock at her words and he walked over so he was towering over her.

"DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING THIS FOR TEN YEARS?" he yelled making her cringe. "BLOODY HELL WOMAN, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF?"

Hermione began to shake. Even during the incident on the stairs he had not been this angry. She glanced up for a moment and he was now pacing back and forth taking deep breaths as if to calm him self down. When he spoke again, he was no longer yelling, but was still just as angry.

"I used to think you a bright witch. There was nothing too hard for you in school. Apparently, I was greatly mistaken. What would possess you to do such a fool-brained thing as this?"

"I… I didn't used to take it so often," Hermione said feeling the need to justify herself. "Madam Pomfrey warned me and I only used it sparingly. Only when it was… too much. But lately, I have been having so many nightmares. I can hardly close my eyes without seeing him."

She cringed. She had not meant to say that and she prayed he had not heard it. She looked over at Snape who did not seem to have a reaction to this.

"Did it ever occur to you, Little Miss Know-it-all, to actually do some research about Sleeping Potions and how they are addictive? If you had, you would have understood that after a point, the potion actually causes an increase in bad dreams. The potion is causing the nightmares, not helping them."

Hermione paled at these words. "I didn't realize…"

"That much is painfully clear, Miss Granger. I should report you to Professor McGonagall. She probably wouldn't like an addict teaching the students any more than a drunk."

"Please don't do that," Hermione whispered. "Teaching is the only thing I have left. I would have nothing if I wasn't here." She felt her eyes well with tears but she forced them back, unwilling to let him see her cry.

"When did you last take the potion?" He suddenly asked her. She looked up at him in confusion.

"Two days ago. Why?"

"I suggest that you go back to your rooms and rest as much as you can. Since you are apparently woefully ignorant about the effects of Sleeping Potions, I shall fill you in. Not only does the potion create the side effect of increased nightmares, you will also begin to feel the physical effects of the addiction. Within the next twelve hours, you will probably start to feel ill, as if you caught the muggle flu. You will begin to feel nauseous and you will run a fever. These effects will increase in intensity for the following twenty-four hours until it begins to subside.

"I would suggest that this morning you take the time to inform Professor McGonagall that you are not feeling well and will need a replacement for your classes for the next couple days. You are going to regret ever even tasting Sleeping Potion, Miss Granger."

Hermione began walking toward the door, afraid to say a word.

"And Miss Granger," he called to her. She turned around and looked up at him. "If I ever hear word that you are using this potion again, I swear I'll kill you myself."

She quickly turned and ran out of the room. Severus stood still for a moment listening to thequickly fading sound of her steps running away before picking up the vial and smashing it against the wall.