"To be alive at all is to have scars."

-John Steinbeck The Winter of Our Discontent

Scar Wars

"Knifewound- Gotham City."

"Big deal! Check this out: mauled by a couple of Scissormen."

"Broken nose- tire iron to the face."

"Sucker. This was a love-bite from a black panther in Africa."

"I didn't want to have to show you this…"

"What…is that?"

"Think of it as really bad freezer burn. Courtesy of Mr. Freeze's ice-gun."

If they weren't arguing like a pair of squabbling children, Raven would have found Robin and Beast Boy's testosterone-inspired contest a tad unsettling. What had started as a nostalgic reminiscence of their respective crime-fighting careers somehow dissolved into a boyish competition over the injuries they had sustained- and whose resulting collection of scars were 'cooler'.

By the time Raven had stumbled onto the scene, the boys' little game had been drawn out to the point where they were removing articles of clothing. Gloves came off to reveal faded puncture-marks from the fangs of an African Tree Snake or the calluses and thin white scratches from a lifetime of throwing batarangs. Boots that hid the crooked foot that hadn't quite healed right after being crushed by falling rubble or the other, more subtle injury that had damaged the nerve endings of the left foot- paralyzing the smallest three toes.

The dark girl's breath froze mid-heartbeat when the boys pulled off their shirts. Gunshot wound in the upper right arm, terrible claws raking over the muscles of a belly, hot bomb shrapnel in the shoulder, rough African foliage hardening his back, thousands of hours training underground shaping muscles strong and compact beneath skin that looked like it never saw the sun.

At least the scars didn't seem to affect Starfire, Raven noted. Unlike her, the Princess of Tamaran was more taken with the fact that there were young, muscular, shirtless boys in front of her.

Especially a shirtless Robin.

Raven tried to cast the disquieting thoughts the boys'(her boys) scars bred out of her head and found it wasn't as easy as ignoring say, Beast Boy's pranks or Robin's occasionally grating, no-nonsense 'Leader' mode. Having not even been noticed between Rob and BB's 'contest' and Starfire's…well…gawking, the sorceress quietly left the common-room to the safe recluse her room offered.

And tried so hard to forget the scars.

Trial by Minutes

10:09AM

DEFENSE: "Please state your name for the record."

ROBIN: "Robin."

DEFENSE: "Is that right? Do you really expect the Court to believe that's your real name?"

ROBIN: "My mother liked birds."

DEFENSE: "Permission to treat the witness as hostile, your honor."

JUDGE: "It's your funeral…"

QUESTION: "How, Mr. 'Robin', is the Court to believe testimony from a teenager using a ridiculous moniker and a mask?"

THE PEOPLE: "Objection, relevance?"

DEFENSE: "This witness's refusal to submit his real name or even his face is clearly in violation of my client's right to face his accuser."

THE PEOPLE: "People v. Sansweet, your Honor, states that 'any unconventional citizens routinely performing civic duties for the greater safety of their fellow man are entitled to the same anonymity as undercover police officers in matters of civil or criminal law'."

DEFENSE: "Your Honor-

JUDGE: "The statute is quite clear, Counsel. No further references will be directed towards the witness's name or his state of dress. The mask stays on."

-Outburst from the galley-: "Woo-hoo! Score for the good guys!"

ROBIN: "Shut up, Beast Boy."

10:23AM

BALIFF: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

WITNESS "BEAST BOY": "Pal, I can only lie to Robin, pretty girls, and Raven."

JUDGE: "An 'I do' will be fine, son."

10:42AM

DEFENSE: "The Defense calls the Teen Titan known as 'Raven' to the stand."

-WITNESS MAKES HER WAY TO THE STAND-

BALIFF: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?"

RAVEN: "I do."

JUDGE: "Please be seated, Miss."

-DEFENSE COUNSEL APPROACHES THE STAND-

DEFENSE: "……"

DEFENSE: "The…uh…Defense has nothing further for this witness, your Honor."

JUDGE: "You are dismissed, Ma'am."

-WITNESS RAVEN UNRESPONDANT-

JUDGE: "Is something the matter?"

RAVEN: "No, it's just I was hoping I could scare that lawyer off faster than the last one."

Yet even more things Beast Boy is not allowed to do:

Shapeshifting to win a game of charades is cheating

"Flowers for Algernon!" Cyborg shouted at the little green mouse holding a dandelion.

…unless you're paired with Starfire

"Oh come on! 'One Flew Over the Cuckoos' Nest'! How could you not get that?"

No one appreciates having a sea-otter lounging in the bathtub

"Hey, grass-stain? I really don't think you need to crack open peanuts on your stomach to get them open."

Charlotte's Web has been added to the Tower's List of Banned Movies

It may have been immature, yes, but Raven found herself begrudgingly impressed by the massive spider web that had somehow threaded across the whole length of the common room overnight.

Though she doubted a certain caped crusader appreciated the words 'Robin Luvs Slade' spun into the web.

"BEAST BOY!"

Stop encouraging children to feed you scraps

Giggling at the expectant wiggles of the ducky's tail, the little girl decided to give it another piece of bread.

No playing 'Lost Puppy' at the park

Beast Boy wondered why the cute blonde petting and hugging him close to her chest had stopped…until a cold hand grabbed him by the scruff and held him helplessly in the air.

"Oh thank goodness you found him Miss," Raven's stolid voice said somewhere behind him. "He just keeps running off and making a fool of himself. Come along, Garfield, time to get you fixed."

The heavenly blonde that had held him close to her lovely…bosom frowned with confusion, bless her heart. "You named your dog Garfield?"

"Yes. It's a stupid name, isn't it?"

Beast Puppy whined in protest.

Or 'Prince Charming', for that matter

Raven wasn't sure which was worse: the crowned frog waiting on a park bench, or that the line of giggling girls was lengthening.

We are not the Scooby Gang

"Alright," Raven admitted. "I can understand your logic with Robin and Star being Fred and Daphne. But what in your right mind makes you think I'd be Velma?"

"Cause I think you'd look cute with glasses." Beast Boy replied foxily.

"Beast Boy," Raven said slowly, "you do realize Velma is probably a-"

But Cyborg cut in. "And how is it I'm the skinny white pot-head, exactly?"

"Uhh…default?"

Cyborg does not qualify as an Autobot

"Dudes, think about it: Cyborg could be the T-car."

The changeling's brilliant idea was replied with three resounding "No, Beast Boy."

…and a lone "What a positively delightful idea!"

Playing 'Phoenix Wright' is not good preparation for Court

"OBJECTION!"

Having never tried a case that involved any of the Teen Titans, the bank robber's lawyer's mouth hung open mid-sentence dumbly.

The Judge, unfortunately, had the pleasure of Beast Boy in his courtroom before and tried to rub the familiar throbbing in his temples away. "Son, only Defense Counsel and District Attorneys can object to questioning. Not witnesses."

"Oh. Well…I object to that, then."

Scar Wars (II)

Fortunately (but not for Starfire), Cyborg had to cross through the common room to get to the refrigerator for his mid-afternoon foraging, the metal drumming of his feet abruptly stopping Beast Boy and Robin's contest before pants became an issue.

It was quiet when the metal man entered- a tingling in one of his nonsynthetic guts had the strange feeling everything was very not quiet the moment before he entered. Pulling an armload of ingredients for a footlong sandwich out of the fridge, he raised an eyebrow at Rob and BB (was it because they were staring at him or the whole 'shirtless' thing, they wondered), then just shrugged it away as the Tower's usual weirdness and proceeded preparing his lunch.

Flattened by the most obvious of realizations, Beast Boy turned to Robin and pointed in Cyborg's direction. "Dude…I think he wins."

When you're Evil

Ironically, and not for the first time, he wondered what 'evil' really was.

Take the Brotherhood of Evil, for instance. How the hell does a talking gorilla and a brain in a talking blender qualify as evil? They went around capturing the Teen Titans. If you were really evil- and smart (how dumb can a giant brain be?)- you'd go in for the kill. Quick, efficient, and no chance of your captive being rescued and getting your Brotherhood of Quasi-Evil's collective butts kicked by a gang of half-thawed teenagers.

Brotherhood of Evil? Puh-lease.

Now, Red X knew he was a bad guy. He was a thief- a damn good one, but a still a thief. A thief who, unlike most villains, had no desire to take over the world. Realistically, world domination would take too much work. And when was the last time someone actually managed to successfully conquered the earth? That's right: never. Morons.

So, was he really evil? In his entire career he's ever killed anybody; and it's not like the giant corporations or the obscenely wealthy he so artfully ripped off didn't have plenty to go around. You never heard about Red X stealing presents from an orphanage on Christmas Eve. That'd be just plain unsporting.

No, X was a man who made himself and his quality of life his top priority. Sure, he stole. But the treasure behind the big vault doors wasn't nearly as rewarding as the brilliant trick he had used to get the vault open in the first place. He also had a strict code of honor; one that found him fighting alongside the 'good guys' on one occasion or the other. Their first dance, with Doctor Chang? It wasn't heroics- it was Chang being the only source of Xenothium on the entire Western Seaboard. And sabotaging all the other competitors of that race while Robin made it to the finish line? Paying off a debt- because Red X was never in anyone's debt.

Plus, it was fun.

He had heard once people didn't choose evil because it was evil, but because he only mistakes it for his own happiness. So yeah, X supposed maybe he was just a little evil.

So he sang, his fighting style adopting a more dance-like grace as he avoided the wild swings from Robin's bo-staff.

"While there's children to make sad, While there's candy to be had, While there's pockets left to pick..."

Sidestepping the boy blunder's blows, X ducked just in time to avoid a heavy punch from Cyborg- then rolled between the bulky Titans legs a planted a paper-thin X on the back of his calf. "While there's grannies left to trip down the stairs," the song was mischievous and playful even through the electronic voice filters.

The circuits the X-gizmo scrambled turned Cyborg's leg into dead weight; and the cat burglar started up on the next line as he waltzed through a flurry of star-bolts impacting all around him. "I'll be there, I'll be waiting 'round the corner/It's a game. I'm glad I'm in it, 'Cause there's one born every minute."

A very large green gorilla changed shaped into a charging African Elephant. X took it all in stride and tossed a rubber ball which popped over the elephant's head and covered its face with gummy red goo.

"And it's so easy when you're evil. This is the life, you see, The Devil tips his hat to me," speaking of the devil, a dark hooded girl phased like a hellish ghost up from the floor. Her eyes glowed a phantasmal white as she began her incantation. Until a red X clapped over her mouth like flypaper.

And he laughed."I do it all because I'm evil, And I do it all for free- Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!"

The cute orange girl as tougher to avoid. She flew fast and was smart enough to stay of his range. It took some considerable effort to dodge the thick shower of green bolts she hurled at him relentlessly. When X found himself with his back to a wall, he knew she had been herding him with those blasts. Now, he was cornered.

Clever girl. But he still had a trick left. To the glowing eyed alien-princess, X sang the last lines with a lonely kind of somber. "It gets so lonely being evil, What I'd do to see a smile, Even for a little while…"

The green balls of energy in her fist lost some of their intensity, so X pressed on and took a tired step towards her. "And no one loves you when you're evil…" Starfire's warrior-mask actually softened as he tentatively reached out to cup her face.

Then the smoke bomb when off.

"I'm lying through my teeth!" Red X laughed. Diving out of the smoke, he gave the recovering Titans a mocking salute and finished "Your tears are all the company I need!"

His dark from flickered like a mirage as he teleported himself away.

Robin was furious, Starfire coughed up smoke, Cyborg dragged along a limp leg, and Raven was just managing to pull the adhesive X from her mouth. "Well," she said. "That could've gone better."

And they all turned to stab angry glares as Beast Boy hummed the song Red X had been singing as he made fools of them.

Fussing with the goo stuck to his face, it took the changeling time to notice his teammates smoldering stares. "What? It's catchy…"

The song used in the above story is Voltaire's 'When you're Evil'. Not only is it that catchy, once you hear it, you'll know why I think Red X would sing it.

Yes, I do realize it has been an ungodly long time since my last update. Blame college. Please. Just not me. The fact that I still got a copious supply of reviews and favorites even in my long absence tells me that I don't deserve fans as patient and dedicated as you are. So in my thanks (and because it's funny as hell), I have a bonus drabble right here:

O-MA-KE

-From Scar Wars-


Shirtless, scarred, and still occupied with their contest, Beast Boy and Robin never noticed when Raven entered or left. Nor did they seem to notice Starfire's dreamy sighs.

They did however, notice when the Princess blurted "Please commence with the kissing!"

Fangirls, commence your squealing.

Great to be writing again,

-Cy