Title: Heist.Author: cheekymice.
Rating: This chapter is T-M.
Beta: mel39. Hugs and snogs Melly, as always
Disclaimer: I don't own The OC, Ryan or Benjamin McKenzie.
Story: As requested Hero! In peril Ryan! Yeay!!! All in the title really. Set post finale.
Notes: I hope you like and thanks for all you wonderful people who are still reading and reviewing.

Heist

Chapter 16

When Sandy took him down the corridors that led to the wards and not the medical offices Ryan knew what this was about. He stopped dead in his tracks. It took Sandy half a corridor to realize he wasn't following anymore. He turned and looked at Ryan quizzically and made his way back.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he approached.

He wasn't, he didn't need this but Sandy was obviously on a mission and shifting him from his course was not going to happen.

"Um…I need to use the bathroom." He blurted.

Sandy frowned. "Sick?"

Ryan nodded. He was surprised to find that his delaying tactic was fast becoming true. He did feel sick, maybe not going to throw up sick but sick because he really didn't want to do this. Shit…why did Sandy spring this on him when he knew he wasn't comfortable in situations like this, especially when he was stuttering like a moron.

Sandy grabbed a member of staff and the nurse pointed them in the right direction. Ryan was thankful when Sandy decided to give him his space. He took his time splashing water on his face using the time to gather himself. Sandy's head around the door told him his time was up.

Sandy stopped outside a room and turned to him before he opened the door.

"I know your not going to like this but someone wants to thank you and they want to do it in person."

The guy had lost most of his heavy tan, his face had the pale tint of hospital pallor and he had lost weight about it but Ryan would have recognised him by what he was wearing. He seemed to have exchanged that garish Hawaiian shirt for an equally garish pair of green and yellow pyjamas. The cop from the robbery was sitting up in bed surrounded by cards, fruit and chocolates. Bingo…Ryan's guess was right on the money. Ryan desperately hoped this would be quick but Sandy had other plans.

"So…I'll leave you two to get acquainted." Sandy all but pushed him into the room. Ryan wondered if he was going to stand outside the door with his hands on the door handle to make sure he wasn't going to bolt. He was just thinking of doing just that when the cop held out his hand.

"Marco Gregotti…. Your face kid is a picture." Marco laughed. "Mr Cohen said you'd be happy to be anywhere but here but humor me will you."

Ryan lent forward and shook Marco's hand.

"Ryan, Ryan Atwood." He was shocked when Marco took his hand but instead of shaking he pulled Ryan in for a hug. It was an Italian masculine hug, damn near suffocated him and he got several thumps on his back for his pains.

"Kid, I can't thank you enough." Marco boomed in his ear as he released.

Ryan stumbled back.

"No p...problem…it was nothing." He muttered.

"Nothing…nothing. You're kidding me right? Sandy said you were modest but kid you really take a lack of ego to a new level. You freaking well saved my life kid…without you my wife would be a widow, I wouldn't be able to walk my daughter down the isle and I wouldn't have been around for the birth of my first grandchild…which my daughter named Ryan James by the way in honor."

Ryan felt himself blush.

"Trust me if I had my way instead of just me thanking you, you'd be mobbed by a couple of dozen people wanting to shake your hand but your lawyer advised against it." Marco winked.

"Remind me to thank my lawyer for that one." Ryan smiled. At least Sandy spared him from that.

"You haven't gotten off the hook though. When I get out of here my squad buddies are having a bar crawl in memory of my partner who didn't make it." Ryan saw the pain briefly flit across Marco's eyes. "And you are the guest of honour and don't even think about getting out of that one. You'll find yourself being dragged into the back of a police car and forcibly made to come. Seriously I…we'd love for you to join us in celebrating Buds life and my recently regained one."

Ryan blinked he didn't know that to say. "Um…I…I c…c…can't drink a…a…a…at the m…m….m...m…moment."

Shit, he could see the look of pity on the cops face as he stumbled to get the words out.

"So we'll wait until you can." He said simply. "Sit down kid."

Ryan didn't want to sit down, he wanted out of there but there was something about Marco, underneath the bonhomie was a hard ass not to be messed with. So he sat.

"How a…are you?" Ryan asked.

"I'm good. The bullet bounced around a bit, nicked my liver and I had to have surgery on my gut but I'm good, I'm out of here in a couple of days and back to work in a few weeks." Marco opened his bedside table and threw a can of soda Ryan's way.

"I know it doesn't seem like it but things will get better for you, you'll learn to live with epilepsy."

Ryan's head shot up from where he was opening his can.

"Sandy told me, he also told me that you're not coping well with the speech dysphasia and other side effects of your injuries. Don't think he was being indiscreet. I already knew most of it, joy of being a cop…you have access to information and I've been keeping my eyes and ears open concerning you. I was worried. He's worried about you ya know."

Marco paused as if to judge what Ryan thought of this information. He shrugged by way of answering. He didn't really care at this point who knew. It wasn't like no one noticed his speech or the way he still occasionally stared into space and had no knowledge for how long.

Marco swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up.

"It's strange to think we both officially died that day yet here we are. If it's any consolation the guy that locked you in that room and killed my partner is now being fed through a straw."

Ryan hadn't thought about what had happened to Saul after the raid and no… it didn't help. Marco stared at him intently. This guy seemed to want something from him.

"That day…I've been in some situations in my time but that was the first time I really thought it was over for me. I knew I was dying; there was no doubt in my mind. Then suddenly you were there and fuck although it hurt like hell when you pressed hard on my stomach, I knew that you were the only thing between me living and dying. I was so scared you'd listen to that scumbag when he told you to get away from me but you refused. I meant nothing to you yet you stayed and you didn't need to do that. You had nothing to gain from helping me you only put yourself at risk. I was out of it but that's the one clear thing I remember kid is thinking that you'd put some of the tough hostage negotiators on the force to shame. It was a bold move to push for the women too but it paid off. Can I ask… what made you fight so hard for us, you had nothing to gain?"

"I don't know…I just…it just happened I guess." Ryan didn't like where this was going. He certainly didn't want to talk about himself.

"I'm not buying that explanation. Tell me...I'm interested."

Ryan stared at the floor again. He'd develop a stoop he was doing that so often recently.

"I mean it…. talk… Sound me out I'm a unknown quantity so to speak." He sounded like he did really want to know."

Ryan kept his eyes down.

"I was just d…didn't like the way h…he was ordering everybody around."

"So you put your life in danger because didn't like being ordered around? Not quite buying that kid. My chief pushes me around on a daily basis but I don't go head to head with a gunman because of it." Marco shook his head. "That's not the full story is it?"

Ryan was starting to get annoyed, Marco was acting like the cop he was and Ryan felt like he was being interrogated in an interview room so he was surprised when he opened his mouth again.

"You r…really wants to know? I was…s…sick to death of being p…pushed around by assholes like that, it's happened all my life and I didn't want to take it anymore. I t…took it for y…years from my dad and then my moms boyfriends g…growing up and I just didn't give a s…s…shit about the consequences that d…day. I just w…wanted it to b…be over. You d…didn't deserve t…to die just b…because y…you were a cop and I wanted K…Kirsten out o…of there. That w…was it. I w…wasn't t…thinking…I just did w…what I thought w…was best."

Ryan could hear his voice getting strained

"Yeah…and it fucking s…sucks I've now got epilepsy and I now c…can't speak p…properly because of t…that day. I a…already wanted this year to end. Just as I t…thought t…things were g…g…getting better this happened. College is now o…out…I don't k…know what the h…hell I'm going to do w…ith my life. W…who's going t…to employ me w…when I can't string t….two words together w…without stuttering."

Ryan took a deep breath.

"And y…you want to k…know h…how that makes me f…feel? G…guilty…guilty t...that I feel so angry when I know that there are p…people w…who are far worse of than I am…guilty t…that I wish that they never revived me that day and guilty that I think t...that when there are p…people who are so p…p…pleased that they did. Every time I try a…a…and get m…my life back o…on track something f…f…fucks it up and I'm sick of it."

Ryan took a deep breath and a long drink of his grape soda.

"I don't suppose you have anything stronger." He looked up and gave Marco a weak smile. Shit he was really spilling his guts at the moment. He put it down to the drugs he was taking, they seemed to have lowered his shield and made him into Oliver Over-share.

"Sorry Ryan, my wife sadly confiscated my hip flask." Marco got up and put his robe on. If I know you though I've got something better. He tapped his pocket. "Shall we go for a walk?"

Ryan was expecting to see Sandy was sitting in the corridor but it was empty apart form a nurse.

"Just going for a walk." Marco said as they walked past, he winked at Ryan.

"Make sure your doctor doesn't catch you Mr Gregotti…you know how he feels about patients smoking." The nurse called out after them.

They found a quiet spot around by the dumpsters. A pile of crumpled butts on the floor told Ryan that this was the spot in the hospital to come to obviously. Marco took out a packet of Marlboros and offered one to Ryan. He took one gratefully and they smoked in silence for a time watching several pigeons in the distance peck at the ground.

"That's some pretty heavy baggage you've been carrying around Ryan." Marco's voice dragged Ryan focus away from the birds.

"It's just hard s…sometimes…" Ryan mumbled.

"Yeah…yeah it is. Some people float along in life and have nothing to really worry about but I can see from your eyes that you've had more the usual crappola thrown your way, from what Mr Cohen says you're a survivor but you've got to recognize that some things are bigger than you can cope with…the robbery was harder on us than I think most people realize." Marco took a long drag off his cigarette and gazed at the pigeons. "I have nightmares…bad nightmares. I'm begging you to stay with me but you don't…you leave and suddenly I'm all alone in that bank bleeding to death. I sit up and see my blood pouring outta me onto that marble floor and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I have that dream every single night and wake up sweating with my heart racing."

He went silent, only the sound of him blowing the smoke out of his lungs and the sound of a car backing into a space next to them.

Ryan knew what he was silently asking. He wasn't sure he was ready to share. So he didn't he continued to watch the birds as they squabbled over a worm.

"Don't bull shit a bull shitter. I see the same look in your eyes as I've seen in men in the squad… usually before they throw themselves of a bridge or swallow a gun. PTSD exists Ryan, it's very real and if you face it it's a whole lot easier."

"Jesus, I'm not suicidal!"

Ryan took a long hard drag on his cigarette; the sound of frizzling tobacco filled the air before he tossed the butt on the floor.

"I'm sure they weren't until they felt the wind in their hair." Marco looked at him. 'Listen kid, Sandy told me your not sleeping and I'm guessing that you are getting shitty flashbacks. That's normal…believe me. As a cop you relive the shit again and again but although it'll never go away you learn to cope but you need to open up to people. Why do you think cops use graveyard humor so much…to scare away the demons. We laugh about our fears and it makes them retreat. The guys who implode are the ones who hold it in and try to deal with it alone capesche? You don't need to do this alone from what I see…even though it goes again your pride."

Ryan signalled for another smoke and Marco threw him the packet.

"The dark. I c…can't take t…the dark anymore. I can't s…s…sleep a...at night even with t...the light on I freak. I've b…been snatching as m…much as I can d…during the day."

The pigeons flew off with a cacophony of flapping wings, startled by a car door slamming.

"I f…feel stupid you know, eighteen a…and s…scared of the dark. I c…can't breathe and I d…don't know….I d…don't know w…w…w…w…w…" Ryan balled his hands at his stuttering and tried again. "Fuck…I don't k...know where I am and I'm suffocating, I c…can't get any air into my l…lungs…and I'm alone like I'm t…the only p…person in t…the w…world."

The pigeons settled back on the ground again and resumed their pecking. After a pregnant pause Marco spoke.

"You know you can't totally use this to your advantage don't you? Just think about it, you just go to any bar and tell that tale and you'll have a ready supply of women lining up to cure you…you may not get over it but by Christ you'll get laid a lot. Women love a vulnerable and wounded man. Hell, my wife has told me that she's been shopping for silk lingerie and shit…been married for twenty three years and she's never brought lingerie."

Marco started chuckling and before Ryan knew it he was joining in. Not awkward laughter but honest to goodness belly laughter. Maybe he had a point. He obviously hadn't put off Taylor last night and this morning had been certainly very good for his ego.

"You might have something there." Ryan laughed and it felt like another heavy layer had been lifted off his body.

They walked back to Marco's room. Sandy was pacing and turned towards them as they approached. The look of 'where the hell have you been' was replaced with a smile as he took in the sight of Marco telling him a joke about a penguin and a hooker.

They said their goodbyes.

"Remember…when you're ready we got a date with many bars. I'm warning you though the night might end with you getting your eyebrows shaved and a trip to a strip joint." He called down the corridor after them.

Sandy's eyebrows shot up.

"Don't ask." He smiled enigmatically.

They sat in the car and Sandy paused before starting the engine.

"You seem brighter."

"Yeah…yeah I am. Thanks. Marco is…a…an interesting g…guy." Ryan smiled.

"Should I be worried about the strippers and shaved eyebrows?"

"Not as much as I should be." Ryan replied with a sense of amused trepidation.

Sandy drove to a beach side restaurant and parked.

"So what do you say to a spot of lunch, it's almost two and you have to take your meds." Sandy looked his way and caught the grimace he gave. "Sorry, I wish I could let you forget…"

"Yeah I know…no skipping doses."

Sandy ordered a steak and Ryan settled on a fairly safe bowl of chowder. He set about crumbling crackers into the steaming bowl as Sandy dug into his rib eye.

They ate in silence broken only by the odd comment or word. Ryan waited until speared his last asparagus stalk to say what he'd been thinking all lunchtime.

"I'm sorry I d…didn't a…a…automatically choose you…"

Sandy stopped with his fork half way to his mouth. He looked at the green wand on the end then placed it down on his plate and wiped his mouth on his serviette.

"Ryan…"

"I f…figured it was a…bout time w…we talked about i…it. I w…ant to try and e…explain."

TBC