Rating: This chapter is PG13/R
Beta: melanie39. Hugs and snogs Melly, as always
Disclaimer: I don't own The OC, Ryan or Benjamin McKenzie.
Story: As requested Hero! In peril Ryan! Yeay!!! All in the title really. Set post finale.
Notes: Crikey, sorry for the long wait. spank me...hit the tag at the top for previous chapters.
Heist
Chapter 17
"Ryan, you don't need to explain anything."
"B…but I d…do Sandy…I do." Ryan locked eyes with Sandy. "I n…need to."
"Okay, but not here." Sandy nodded at the waitress as she approached to clear their table.
Ryan found himself sat at the end of the pier. He smiled to himself that Sandy had unwittingly chosen the one place that Ryan found himself drawn to when he had things to work through.
"Here…." Sandy handed him a Starbucks cup and sat down next to him. Sandy blew into own his cup and took a tentative sip.
They sat in what anyone else would see as a comfortable silence but Ryan knew was Sandy for once taking a step back to let him breathe. He was grateful for the time it gave him to get his head around what he wanted to say again.
His coffee was bitter and hot; he was pleased to note that for the first time in weeks Sandy hadn't insisted on decaf.
"You were r…right Sandy. I d…didn't want to a…admit it at the time but you were right that day." He said it quietly and he could feel Sandy's eyes turn his way at his first word but Ryan kept his gaze out to sea. "But i…it was about more than just w…what happened to M…Marissa. I've a…always t…tried so hard to make th…things better but I've n…never managed to." Ryan took a sip from his coffee. " I couldn't s…save Marissa, I c…couldn't help my mom and I couldn't ch…change Trey...I'd tried so h…hard this summer to get b…back to a good place but I found it i…impossible to move on... I suppose Marco became m…more to me than just a shot cop, a stranger." He shrugged. "I don't know, here was s…someone who I maybe c…could help, he was there and n…needed me and I could do s…something, you know? When Saul asked me to choose b…between you two I w…wanted to so badly to choose you, believe me Sandy, I really did. You've done so m…much for me…more than I can even b…begin to repay, you've been m…more of a father to me than my own but w…when Saul put that gun to your head it wasn't that easy. I wish it could have been a…an easy decision but it wasn't. I had this dying g…guy b…begging me not to leave him, to help him and I had S…Seth and you l…looking at me like I w…was betraying e…everything you'd d…done for me."
"Ryan…" Sandy interjected.
"No…it's okay, Sandy, I get it, o…okay? It was natural for you both to f…feel that way but I'm t…trying to e…explain why I did what I did. What I'm trying to say is that I guess it was about more then w…what was going on in that bank that day. I thought th…that if I could save Marco then things would finally get b…better…you know? Like I could wipe the s…slate clean of all my previous f…fuck ups. What I'm trying to s…say is I'm sorry I put you th…through that…and if I could do things over, I'd d…. do them differently."
Only now that he'd finished did he look Sandy in the face. Sandy put his cup down on the decking.
"Did it help? Saving Marco?" he asked.
Ryan gave a wry smile. "No. N…not in the least. I learnt the v…valuable lesson that no m…matter what, y…you can't erase the m…mistakes of y…your past and there are no quick f…fixes in this life 'cause life r…really isn't that simple but it d…does help to know th…that I at least m…m…managed for once to ch…change something for the better."
"I'm sure Marco's family more than wholeheartedly agree, Ryan. And the decisions you made that day? When Saul pointed the gun at my head I must admit to being more than terrified but I was proud of you for standing up for what you knew was right. And you know I wouldn't want you to change your decisions because that's what makes you…well …'you' Ryan." Sandy gave a low chuckle. "Maybe the only thing I would change is your unique knack of putting yourself in danger at every turn."
Ryan picked at the corrugated cardboard clutch on his cup.
"I don't do it d…deliberately. It just h…happens that way."
"That's what I saw in you that day in juvenile hall, Ryan. You always seem to be thinking of someone before yourself. That day you were more concerned with Trey's situation than your own, that's what struck me first about you. I just wish you'd worry about yourself once in a while and maybe you wouldn't get yourself in these situations but I also know that I might be better off talking to a brick wall because you're not going to change."
Ryan let the flakes of cardboard flutter to the ground.
"Trey a…always said I was too stupid. Once, when we were kids, we were playing in an o…old derelict house. We found th…this big fat crow on the roof, it had the p…plastic from a four pack tangled around its leg and n…neck. Trey made me l…leave it alone but I c…couldn't forget it. I snuck o…out of the house after dinner. It was w…where we left it and it w…was still alive, God knows how. Anyway I p…picked it up and it started making this h…hissing noise and it struggled like h…hell. It was s…still so strong but I e…eventually m…managed to cut the plastic off with a penknife. It turned o…on me immediately, pecked me in the face and m…made me step b…back in fright. I fell off the roof! Luckily I landed on a flat r…roof below. I h...hurt my wrist and scraped d…down the side of my face. Trey said it served me right…that d…didn't I know crows were vicious fuc…um... bad t…tempered birds. But you know what? I'd have d…done it again."
The little leaves of paper at his feet were growing.
"Just to see that bird f…fly off into the sky, it was w…worth it. I i…identified so much w…with that bird, I don't mean to b…but I sometimes feel so trapped that I end up h…hurting the people who try and h…help me. I guess I'm still w…waiting to get the same f…feeling that I had when I saw that bird s…soar in the sky. I just want one d…day to feel f…free like that bird."
"One day you will Ryan, I promise." Sandy gripped Ryan's shoulder and squeezed. He took his hand away and picked up his cup again.
"I hope s…so." Ryan set about picking up the cardboard at his feet.
"Ryan, as we are being honest with each other I want to apologize."
Ryan looked up. "Why?"
He was puzzled, genuinely puzzled.
"I wish I'd protected you more that day. I should have done more."
"But there was n…nothing you c…could have done. The guy h…had a gun."
Sandy shook his head.
"I let Saul lead you away. I should have done more…" Sandy shifted in his seat and he looked strangely guilty. "I hate myself for not doing more. The realization that I would have done more if it was Seth with a gun in his back makes me feel ill when I think about it. I did nothing. I shouted a few useless threats."
"B…but Sandy…"
"Let me finish, please. When we first met I told you we were cut from the same cloth but I wish I had the fraction of the same integrity you show. I brought you into our house and I made a promise to look after you as if you were my son but I've failed you…failed you so many times."
Ryan felt awkward at where this conversation was going. Sandy hadn't failed him, not really. Ryan had to interrupt. He looked Sandy in the eye.
"I wouldn't e…expect to be t…treated the same as Seth, Sandy, he is your son. I'm n…not and never will be." Sandy opened his mouth but Ryan stopped him. "As we are talking about w…what q…qualities we l…like about each other that is o…one of the things I respect most a…about you. Knowing th…that you'd do anything for Seth. You protected him in the bank because he is your s…son." Ryan sighed. "As horrible it is to face I think that m…my own father would have g…given me to Saul w...with no qualms if i…it meant s…saving his own skin. I just wish my own p…parents cared about me like y…you and Kirsten care for Seth b…but understand I would never expect to be t…treated on the same f…footing as Seth."
"You should Ryan, you should expect it." Sandy said forcefully. Ryan wondered why for an intelligent man was Sandy not getting this.
"Sandy, believe me, w…when I say I love y…you and , but y…you can n…never replace my mom and d…dad even th…though I've w…wished many times you were my r…real parents. Genetics a…are a bitch but no one can d…deny that blood is thicker than w…water no matter how m…much sometimes we wish it weren't so and b…believe me I've th…thought about it many t…times. Just knowing th…that you've been worried a…about this is enough for me to get that you care. When I was in the v…vault I w…was so messed up it d…did play on my mind that you'd m…maybe forgotten about me but when I w…woke up in hospital it w…was you and Kirsten sat b…by my bed, n…not my parents and that m…meant more to me than anything."
Ryan tried to lighten the mood. "My p…parents would h…have gotten bored with waiting for me to w…wake up. In fact I would have g…. given them about f…four hours before they would have a…adjourned to the nearest bar."
Ryan made the joke but he knew there was more than a little truth in his words.
Sandy looked like he was choking up and Ryan had to admit to feeling fairly emotionally drained too. Sandy leant forward and hugged him and it felt good to hug him back. After three years it finally felt natural.
"I don't expect to ever b…be equal to Seth, it's unfair to h…him. And I don't want to get into a long dialogue about this now. You just being here is e…enough Sandy. That's all I've ever w…wanted, just someone to be there for me for once." Ryan breathed in the warm comforting scent of Sandy Cohen before he released him.
It was true what he'd said.
He never expected to be considered on a par with Seth. How could he be when they had only known each other three years? What he's always craved is just to belong.
"Mom, he's not going to want to spend three weeks on a beach. We might as well stay here. Plus I don't know if you've noticed but the sea is kind of synonymous with thinking for Ryan and we all know that too much thinking makes Ryan a broody boy. No, we've got to think out of the box."
Kirsten sighed and looked longingly at the page in front of her before closing the window.
"But we want Ryan to relax. Nothing relaxes you more than a complex that offers massage and spa treatments. That complex had an up to the minute gym. Ryan would have liked that," Kirsten argued.
"For gym read punch bags and punch bags equal angst."
"Okay…okay. So we've ruled out New York because Ryan doesn't like crowds, London because the girls are crazy, Germany because Ryan doesn't like sauerkraut, Africa because knowing Ryan's luck he'd get eaten by a lion. Seth, you're just not helping." Kirsten looked exasperated. "Everything I come up with you veto."
Seth looked wounded.
"Nothing has been right for Ryan and this is about Ryan, isn't it? We've got to find something he'd like. I can't see him buying into the papaya facemask and mud wrap combo, can you? And mom, a museum tour of London is not his thing, trust me on that one, and New York would totally bring out his badass Chino side. You know he'd end up in the middle of a gang fight or something if we took him to the Big Apple. We just haven't found the right place yet." Seth spun around on his chair and tented his fingers under his chin. "So what do we know about Ryan, apart from the fact that he likes his coffee black and has a fondness for cheesy eighties rock?"
"He likes physical exertion," Kirsten mused.
"Exactly, but you vetoed a flesh pot tour of Thailand. That would have been perfect. We know he loves Thai food and some nubile exotic asking if 'You wanna have big fun plenty' would have pleased Ryan's liking of physical exertion no end."
"Seth! You know full well I meant exercise." Kirsten blushed.
Seth grinned.
"I think Ryan sees it as part of a good workout."
"Seth!" Kirsten warned.
Seth put his hands in the air.
"So the search goes on."
Kirsten got up from the desk.
"We need a coffee and then we'll tackle this head on. It can't be that hard to find a perfect vacation destination."
"I've got it! Amsterdam! Dad can take his bong and we can get Ryan totally wasted." Seth punched the air and spun on his chair.
Kirsten shook her head as she walked to the door.
"No way, Seth."
"You're no fun, mother-dearest," he said to her retreating back.
Seth picked up a pen and started chewing the end thoughtfully. This task was proving to be difficult. Ryan was an enigma when it came to knowing what he truly liked, and choosing a vacation that was tailor made for him was like finding a chicken with teeth. So far they had discounted a trip to Japan, the home of Manga, a luxury beach holiday in the Caribbean and a golfing break in Scotland because this was not about them, this was about Ryan and what he'd like. But that was the thing. What the hell would Ryan like? It was a good plan, a family vacation; it was a chance to spend time together. And after the trials and tribulations of the last couple of years Taylor's suggestion seemed obvious in its simplicity. Seth was really excited about it. Now if they could only find the right vacation for Ryan.
Seth looked about his room as he spun.
Ryan wouldn't want to sit on his ass all day, his mom was right about the whole exercise thing. Ryan was always running along the beach or doing thousands of sit-ups or something that was way too energetic in his book. Seth swung his chair to face the computer screen and tapped the pen against his teeth. He threw the pen on his desk and tapped a few words in the search bar and pressed enter. On the fourth page he opened he suspected he'd hit the jackpot. He clicked further and read, a grin spreading itself over his face.
"Mom!" he shouted excitedly. "Eu-freaking-reka!"
"Arghhhhh, I think children are an impossibility for me now." Seth stretched his legs out in front of him. "My boys are well and truly bruised."
"This was your idea, Seth." Ryan laughed and poked at the fire.
"Son, you need to face it. Some people were meant to be up on a horse and you are not 'some people'." Sandy laughed.
"Mom, he's crushing my already shattered ego. What I can't figure is how Ryan manages to stay in the saddle and how he somehow still manages to look good. I know you did musicals in Chino but was there some sort of secret rodeo school training that we have yet to hear about?"
Kirsten laughed.
"Horse riding is easy as l…long as you listen to what the instructor tells you w…which you clearly didn't. What was it he said? Treat your horse like you would a lover and you'll be okay. All I c…can say is I feel damn sorry for Summer the way you r…ride Mabel."
"You see that's part of the problem. You get a cool horse called 'Diablo', I get a nag called 'Mabel'," Seth grumbled.
"We can swap if you want," Ryan said simply, winking at Kirsten as she stifled a laugh. Even in the glowing red light of the campfire Ryan could see Seth blanch. Ryan's sleek black horse was a good several hands taller than Seth's strawberry roan. Ryan's horse was also more spirited than Mabel, hence the name but Ryan had instantly taken to the horse and it to him. Ryan felt a natural infinity with the animal. She bit and had the tendency to kick anyone who was foolish enough to get too close to its hind legs but she was also fiercely loyal and Ryan loved the way she nuzzled his neck with her soft velvety nose and poured at the ground when she saw him. OK, so that was probably more to do with the pack of lifesavers she knew he kept in his pocket for her but still. She also pretty much hated Seth; she would flatten her ears close to her head and snap at him whenever he got too near. In short, Seth was terrified of Ryan's fast big black horse, which was nothing like the slow, gentle and plodding Mabel.
"Um, no, you're okay, buddy. Mabel would be upset if I ditched her now." Seth muttered, to the sound of his parents' laughter. He stood and started to collect the dishes that littered the floor around the fire.
"That has got to be a first, our son electing to do the dishes." Sandy chuckled.
Ryan got up too.
"I'm going to check the horses are bedded down for the night."
Sandy put his arm around Kirsten and pulled her close.
"Alone at last, my lovely wife...what do you think we should do?" He said it loudly enough for Seth to hear as he walked to the cabin.
"Please! Son still in hearing range" Seth made puking noises.
Ryan snickered and switched on his torch as he walked out of range of the fire. He still had to shake himself that they were actually here. So far this had been the best vacation of his life. They were staying at a dude ranch in the middle of Texas and Ryan loved it. They all did. The first week had been mainly spent learning to ride. Kirsten had the upper hand on the rest of them as she had spent a great deal of her early youth being passionate about ponies and of course Caleb had indulged her whim. She took to horseback riding like a duck to water. Sandy, the boy from the Bronx, was as equally like a fish out of water around horses as Ryan was and Seth basically wasn't comfortable with any animal unless it was plastic. That's what made it all the more surprising that it had been Seth who had chosen this trip. He'd even thrown himself into learning to ride with the rest of them even if he had to be given the novice horse to ride. After four days of coaching Ryan felt comfortable on top of a horse and there was something very peaceful about being able to forget everything and let your mind just drink in the scenery.
This was vacationing Cohen style. It made Ryan laugh that even though they were supposed to be roughing it, they still had someone preparing their meals for them and even now that they were on a week long trek, each evening they found everything ready for them. Each night there was a cabin with all mod cons, a fridge filled with food and a campfire built for them. All they had to do was strike a match and hang the crock-pot full of stew or chilli over the flames.
But the thing Ryan liked most about this vacation was that there was no shouting or screaming a la Atwood. Each evening they sat by the fire and talked, they laughed, told stories and they sang. It sounded lame but it was fun and it had made them all connect in a way that hey'd never done before. The night air and the glow from the fire made them all open up and they were closer for it.
It was the kind of life Ryan had dreamt about growing up and now he was older it was every bit as good as he'd imagined it would be.
Ryan hadn't slept so well in his life. He was becoming used to his medication and he was pleased that his speech was improving too. All of them were so tired from being in the saddle all day, they were all usually all in bed by ten. Well, Sandy and Kirsten usually slept in the cabin, with Seth and Ryan electing to sleep outside under the stars because, according to Seth, 'no child should have to listen to their parents' sex noises'.
Ryan saw the outline of the horses in the moonlight. Diablo whickered at his approach and cantered over to where he stood. Ryan leant against the fence and routed in his pocket for the mints he kept as a treat. The horse nudged and nipped his arm in anticipation. Cloud and Baron, Kirsten and Sandy's horses joined in the mêlée, knowing that mints were likely. Ryan gave them each one and stroked each of their noses. Mabel eventually ambled over and stood quietly. As the other horses trotted off back into the enclosure Mabel stayed and enjoyed being scratched behind her ears. The horse was so different to its current rider, Ryan felt sorry for Mabel. In the course of the day the poor horse's ears must suffer from fatigue because even though the views were stunning Seth still could not stay quiet for longer than thirty seconds. Ryan gave her two mints just because he felt she deserved it having to contend with Seth.
He also took the opportunity to have shifty cigarette. He was going to give up, he was…. maybe after this vacation. He watched the smoke drift up to the sky.
For the first time in a long time he was happy. Although the fallout from the heist was still causing him problems, things were gradually becoming manageable. And he found he could think about Marissa now without feeling the intense hollow ache in his chest. He could think of the good times he'd had with her along with the bad and be philosophical that at least he'd had three years with her.
He thought of the Taylor Townsend care package that he'd found on his bed the night before they'd left for their vacation and smiled. He also smiled at the memory of Taylor's smooth, silky thighs wrapped tightly around his hips, her fingernails digging into his back and the promise of more, so much more when he got home after three weeks away.
Ryan shut his eyes and listened.
The only sounds were the gentle rustle of the breeze through the trees, the sound of the horses and the distant hum of the Cohens talking.
His second Family.
This is what he wanted.
To feel that he belonged somewhere. To feel that he wasn't constantly swimming against the tide.
And for the first time in his life Ryan felt content.
The End
There will be a prologue to this little tale...soon.