A/N: over a hundred reviews for four chapters? Wow. I feel loved. Thank you so much, and please, continue being so responsive!

This chapter contains some strong T-rated material. Remember what I wrote at the beginning of chapter one? This fic isn't for children under 13, I mean it.

As we don't know what a parliamentary session is like in Stroud's world (at least there was none in the first two books), I assumed it was pretty much like in the British Parliament. My beta Michael, who's British, helped me with that. Thanks a bunch, Michael, and also for your help with the 'law talk' in this chapter and in later chapters as well.

Review responses sent out as usual.

Also thanks to: Kaeliian, BobtheFrog, Zodokai, Astrensi, Queen Dragon, Deaces, Saldaen farmgirl, AnnieThePipster, gremlin, azimataiji, Jennie, refloc, Four Strings, Soccer101, Saiyume

Chapter 5

This Means War

It was already eleven a.m. by the time Nathaniel woke up. Today he could afford to lie in – it was Sunday, after all. A very warm Sunday to boot – he checked the thermometer fixed to the outside of his bedroom window to see that it showed 30 Celsius. Perfect weather for a nice swim.

He washed, pulled on a pair of swimming trunks and headed downstairs. In the kitchen he ordered one of his foliots – the female one named Bella - to make him a cup of strong coffee. Bella wasn't exactly a belle (in fact she belonged to the ugliest creatures ever existed) but Nathaniel insisted that she always appear for him like a maid on at least the first four planes.

Balancing the cup of coffee on its saucer, he headed for the pool. After a nice swim, he might as well knock on his wife's door to ask whether she wanted the grand tour – after all, he had barely shown her a few corridors of the house last night.

He couldn't help it, his mouth tucked into a grin upon remembering his last discussion with Kitty. Oh, that fiery temper! Most of the time he found her total lack of respect disturbing, but sometimes her cheek felt downright refreshing. The last person to dare talk back to him like that had been Bartimaeus… if a djinni could be considered a person, that is…

Nathaniel was sure that he'd never be bored as long as Kitty lived in this house. Although he didn't want to admit it to himself, he almost looked forward to some more bantering with her.

Peacefully sipping his coffee, he left the house through the back door, his thoughts no longer on his wife, but on a relaxing swim in his enormous pool where no one ever dared disturb him...

Problem was that someone was already in the pool.

That someone didn't notice him, because she was currently sunning her dripping face with closed eyes, her hands trying to sweep her long, black hair behind her back to give the sunrays better access to her chest.

Nathaniel dropped the saucer.

Hearing the clatter, Kitty opened her eyes to see her husband grabbing his crotch on which he had apparently spilled a cup of hot, steaming coffee.

"Are you all right?" she asked, biting into her lower lip, as she couldn't decide whether to look concerned or burst out laughing. He must have been in great pain, and horribly embarrassed as well, because his face was turning redder by the second. "Um, perhaps you'd like to hop into the water? Cold might be good for… burns."

Without a word, Nathaniel ran towards the pool and jumped into it.

Kitty waited and waited for him to resurface, and when she almost started to worry that he'd drowned, he suddenly burst to the surface right next to her, his face no longer contorted with pain but anger. "How dare you come out here dressed like… this?" he spluttered, pointing at the bra she was wearing.

"No one saw me, and it was so hot that I had to do something to cool off," she replied coldly. "Besides, I don't see what your problem is with my clothing!"

"This isn't a swimsuit," he pointed out. "You're wearing a bra and knickers, Kitty! White ones! White ones that become… see-through once they get wet!"

"Oh… I didn't realise that," she replied, looking down at herself. "Hmm… really. Well, don't look if you don't want to."

"I definitely don't want to!" he snapped, looking away. "You don't own a swimsuit, do you?"

"No, I don't. The last time I had one that actually fit me was around age ten… I haven't had time and opportunity to swim since then."

"Right." Nathaniel said gruffly, climbing out of the pool. "Tomorrow, you're going shopping. You're going to buy decent clothes. Elegant ones. And you may buy a swimsuit as well if you want to. A one-piece swimsuit, Kitty. And to make sure that you don't get lost in London, Bella will accompany you."

"I never get lost in London," she replied sharply. "And who's Bella?"

"Bella's my female foliot. I expect she's got a much better taste in clothing than you do, so you'd better listen to her advice when you buy your new wardrobe. I don't want you to spend my money on new pairs of jeans and t-shirts. As for you getting lost in London… I was referring to the Resistance," he said with a nasty expression. "Bella will accompany you to make sure you don't get tempted to go and contact them."

Kitty knitted her eyebrows. "I signed that contract, remember? In that I agreed not to try to look for them ever again."

"I'm sorry sweetheart, but I have no reason to trust you," Nathaniel replied, then clapped twice. In the next instant a middle-aged woman appeared out of nowhere. She wore a maid's dress and a pair of glasses. "Bella, clear up this mess. And tomorrow, you're going to accompany Mrs Mandrake to London to buy her new wardrobe. Remind me in the evening to give you some money."

"Are you leaving now, Sir?" the foliot asked, bending to gather the pieces of the broken cup and saucer.

"Yes," Nathaniel said, giving his wife a sneer. "I'm going to visit Miss Farrar. I no longer feel like swimming."

o o o O O O o o o

Kitty stared after her husband, frowning. She simply couldn't figure him out. Was he mad because she could have been spotted by the neighbours in such a skimpy outfit, or because he had had to spot her dressed like this? Had she been imagining his embarrassment? And if not, then why was he embarrassed? Because he'd spilled the coffee on himself or because the reason for himself spilling the coffee had been that he'd spotted her looking like this?

The more she thought about it, the more confused she felt. After all, if he didn't want anyone else to see her like this, then it meant he was at least a bit possessive of her. And if he had been mad because she had appeared in front of him in such a possibly arousing outfit…

Could he be aroused… by me? – she wondered. The thought brought an evil little smile on her face. If he indeed found her attractive, then abstinence would make him go mad within a short period of time.

Abstinence? – she savoured the word. No. He's far from abstinent. He's doing it with that trollop Jane Farrar, and he doesn't need me if she can give her what I'm unwilling to. He can go frolicking with whomever he wants, I couldn't care less! Yeah, why should I care for such a stupid, self-important, handsome, athletic… Now wait a second! Handsome? Mandrake? A slug would be more handsome! And athletic? Well… he did have nice broad shoulders and fine muscles, and…

"Heavens, what am I thinking?" she groaned. "He's a jerk! An arsehole! Hey, does anyone hear me? MY HUSBAND IS AN ARSEHOLE!"

Since Mandrake's garden was huge, the neighbours' houses were far off, and therefore she doubted anyone could have heard her. Perhaps save Bella and her male foliot companion. Kitty hoped that they would tell their master in the evening what she'd called him. Mandrake was the type of person who needed to hear the fact that he was an arsehole at least a dozen times before it sunk in and another dozen times before he realised that it was true.

o o o O O O o o o

Nathaniel drove the limousine towards Jane's house, thinking about pretty much anything but Jane. The thoughts that kept popping into his mind were Kitty; his still slightly sore shinbone; Kitty; the American spies he was supposed to catch; Kitty; Deveraux's stupid idea of giving the commoners seats in Parliament; and Kitty.

How dare she do this to me? – he fumed. Prancing in my garden dressed like a scarlet woman! What would the neighbours think if they spotted her like that?

He focused on the back of the turquoise Ford Anglia waiting in the queue in front of him, to take his thoughts off his painfully throbbing body-parts. Stupid coffee.

What most annoyed him was the fact that it actually bothered him that someone could have spotted Kitty today. Why should I care? She's just like any woman, and all the neighbours know enough anatomy to not be surprised by the sight… But why did it make his stomach clench when he thought about anyone else but him seeing her like that? Why?

Nathaniel, Nathaniel, stop this! Okay, you found her arousing. So what? You'd find any other woman arousing if they revealed as much of themselves as she did! But then… why didn't he feel angry whenever he felt aroused by Jane? Why only with Kitty?

He felt downright relieved when Jane's house loomed into view – finally he could focus on the thought of spending a lovely afternoon with his girlfriend, forgetting about his wife.

o o o O O O o o o

"John, how nice to see you!" Jane let him in with a radiant smile.

Strange, he thought, why do I find Jane's smile forced all of a sudden? – he mused. Had her smiles been forced earlier as well, I just hadn't noticed?

"I hope you had a good night's sleep," Jane said, leading him into the living room, and Nathaniel had a feeling that she was hinting at something. Did she want him to swear that he hadn't spent the wedding night with his wife? Well, if she wanted to hear it, she'd have to ask outright.

"Yes, thanks. I hope I'm not disturbing."

"You know that you never disturb," she cooed, pulling him down on the sofa and encircling his neck with her arms. She kissed him deeply, and as she started to unbutton his shirt, he caught her hand.

"Not now."

"Why not?" She arched an eyebrow at him.

"Because I don't think I could… perform right now," he looked away embarrassedly.

"Having problems with 'Little John'?" Jane ran her finger down his chest, making him shudder.

"Let's just say that 'Little John' is a bit… um… tender at the moment."

Jane pulled back a bit. "I hope this doesn't mean that 'Little John' was doing something with 'Maid Marian' last night?"

Nathaniel rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, 'Maid Marian' is the same virgin she used to be before the wedding. 'Little John' suffered a small accident."

"What, fell into the river?" She cocked her head with a challenging look.

"No. Into the pool. Or rather, jumped."

She blinked. "I don't think I understand a word, John."

He heaved a sigh. "My wife. She was putting on a peep show for the neighbours and I was so shocked when I saw her that I spilled a cup of hot coffee on 'Little John'. Then jumped into the pool to ease the pain. That's the story."

Jane silently scrutinised his face for a few seconds. "You're blushing, John."

"Just the weather. It's hot."

"Are you sure it's not the memory of your wife's… er… how did you put it… 'peep show'?"

"Oh, come on, Jane, how could a commoner like her make me blush?" He put his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. "Besides, she was ugly."

"You know what?" Jane purred, "I have a lotion that works wonders… it could heal 'Little John' within a few minutes. Let me take things into my hands…" With a wink she slid off the sofa and hurried out of the salon. Staring after her, Nathaniel wondered why he wasn't exactly looking forward to her taking 'things' into her hands.

o o o O O O o o o

It was late in the afternoon when Nathaniel arrived back at his house. He wasn't in a particularly good mood. Jane's lotion had completely healed him, but he couldn't fully enjoy the time he'd spent in her arms. Most annoyingly, whenever he started to enjoy himself a bit, Kitty's scantily clad body appeared before his mind's eyes and he felt a wave of shame wash over him – both because he knew he was committing adultery, and because he couldn't help wondering what it could be like with Kitty.

Jane had even told him with an accusatory glance that his mind hadn't been on the 'task'. And indeed, it hadn't been. Today Nathaniel had acted like a machine – he did things without paying attention to them. When they parted, Jane had appeared rather displeased.

Nathaniel too was displeased with himself. Both because he had disappointed Jane and because he couldn't suppress the nagging pangs of remorse. He didn't remember when he'd last felt pangs of remorse – perhaps when he'd gone back on the promise he'd made to Kitty all those years ago? Well, after all, what he'd done in the afternoon had only been another broken promise… Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live? He had answered 'I will'to the priest.

Chewing his lower lip, Nathaniel walked into the garden. Why do I care? I didn't really mean it when I said 'I will'. Kitty too knew that I didn't mean it, and she didn't mean it either when she said it. It's all a big show, nothing else…

But you have lied to the priest, Nathaniel, the voice of his conscience spoke up. You lied to God, if he exists at all. And to Kitty – again. What would Mrs Underwood think of you if she saw you now?

Nathaniel felt like kicking something. He hated it when that nasty little voice in his mind reminded him that Mrs Underwood – the woman who had been the closest thing to a mother he had ever had – wouldn't approve of certain things he was doing. Despite the fact that he'd almost completely become 'John Mandrake', there were still small vestiges of 'Nathaniel' left in him, and these vestiges kept nagging him from time to time. When he'd thought that he'd finally managed to silence his old self for good, Kitty Jones had come into his life once again, blowing on the embers of 'Nathaniel'.

The young magician was afraid. Afraid that those embers might burst into flames, ruining everything he had built so far, turning the self-conscious, balanced John Mandrake back into pathetic little Nathaniel. He didn't think he could take it. He couldn't become weak because of a woman whom he didn't even know, who only scared him, confused him, annoyed him… and aroused him!

He stopped dead in his tracks as he spotted her. Again oblivious to his presence, she was sitting in a deck-chair by the pool, reading something. Apparently she had taken his advice on not prancing around in bra and knickers, and was now wearing a pair of tiny shorts with a small top. Her bare legs were crossed and she kept swinging one of them.

For a few seconds he just stood there, rooted to the spot, holding his breath. Suddenly, she let out a chuckle. As if woken from a trance, Nathaniel shuddered.

"What's so funny?" he spoke up, his voice as impassive as ever.

Kitty looked at him over the top of her book. She looked surprised to see him. "Back already?" she said coldly. "I thought you'd spend the night at Miss… What's-Her-Name-Again's place."

"It's Jane Farrar, and no, I'm not spending the night at her place. What're you reading?"

She put a piece of paper into the book to mark the page she'd been reading, then held out the book towards him.

He took it. "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets," he read out loud. "Some stupid children's book, isn't it?"

"Children's book, but not stupid," she replied sharply. "I asked Dad to buy the whole series for me while I was under house arrest. Without these books I would have died of boredom – and of the thought of having to marry you."

With a grimace, Nathaniel shoved the book back into her hand. She immediately opened it where she'd bookmarked it and continued reading as though she hadn't been interrupted at all.

For a few seconds he watched her, seething. How dare she ignore me! The cheeky little…

Suddenly, Kitty began to chuckle again. "I can never read this part without laughing!"

So, she hadn't forgotten he was present, Nathaniel noted. She was just being deliberately impolite.

"What?" he asked gruffly.

"It says 'the cry of the Mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it'," she read out, squinting up at him. "And this: '…a small, muddy and extremely ugly baby popped out of the earth. The leaves were growing right out of his head. He had pale green, mottled skin…' This is how Rowling describes a Mandrake." She gave him an appraising stare, sizing him up from head to toe. "Now that I think of it, she gave a rather thorough description…"

"First: I'm not crying, second: I don't have leaves growing out of my head, third: I'm not green!"

"Yes, you are," she replied, standing up to leave. "You look rather green, John. What has upset your stomach?"

"You have! And just for your information, you too are a Mandrake now! Tell you what, this Rowling was right: you are extremely ugly."

With a swift but deliberate move, Kitty pushed him into the pool. Fully dressed.

"You know, this means war!" he shouted at her.

"Did I just hear the cry of a Mandrake?" she sent him a smirk, heading towards the house with her copy of Chamber of Secrets.

o o o O O O o o o

Monday morning Nathaniel was sipping his coffee and reading The Times, trying to ignore the fact that Kitty had entered the kitchen and was humming happily while making an omelette for herself. It was really hard for him to ignore her, and not only because she was humming 'We are the champions', but because she also kept giving him superior glances accompanied with smirks.

"I see you're wearing a navy suit today," she said, flopping down at the table opposite him. "What happened to your favourite black one?"

"It got wet," he replied dryly, not even looking up from his newspaper.

"Got caught in a downpour?" she asked innocently.

"Rather got attacked by a harpy," he grunted.

"Do I know her?"

He gave him a dark look, but didn't comment. After a few seconds he spoke up: "So, where are you going today with Bella?"

"She says Harridges is the most elegant department store in London with a huge clothes department," Kitty replied through a mouthful of omelette.

"I agree with her, Harridges is indeed the best. I gave her enough money to buy you a wardrobe that even the Duchess of Westminster would envy. And before you get the wrong idea – I'm not being this generous because you deserve it. I'm doing it because I deserve to have a decently dressed wife." With that he dropped The Times on the table and left without so much as saying good-bye.

o o o O O O o o o

"Morning, Ffoukes," Nathaniel greeted the older man upon entering the Chamber in Parliament.

"Good morning, John," Ffoukes replied with a hearty smile. "How're you enjoying married life?"

Nathaniel made a grimace as he slid into his seat next to Ffoukes. "Don't even ask, that woman is a real witch."

Ffoukes chuckled. "A witch in bed or outside bed?"

The young magician made a sour face. "If only I knew what she was like in bed…"

The other man raised an eyebrow at him. "She's the unwilling type, huh?"

"Unwilling is an understatement." Nathaniel waved. "She's downright dangerous, so I wouldn't risk my life trying to get into her knickers… And after all, I have Jane. I don't need my wife in that respect."

"You don't, eh?" Ffoukes grinned. "Don't lie to me and yourself, John. You love a challenge, and taming this woman will be quite the challenge for you."

"Problem is, I'm not sure who's taming whom in this relationship," Nathaniel muttered under his breath as Rupert Deveraux entered the Chamber, bowed almost imperceptibly to the Speaker, and took his seat on the front bench.

"I wonder what today's business is," Ffoukes said.

"Something about magician apprentices, I gather," Nathaniel replied, glancing at his order paper.

The Speaker called "Order! The Prime Minister!"

Deveraux stood and cleared his throat. "With permission, Madam Speaker, I would like to move the Second Reading of the Bill to amendment the Magical Apprenticeships Act, 1879, Section 149(b) and Schedule VI. My right honourable friend, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, has all the details."

The Secretary of State, Mr James Sullivan, a tiny, thin and balding man stood up. "Madam Speaker, Prime Minister, Ministers, Members of Parliament," he began, "as you all know, we have been having problems with acquiring apprentices for years. Ever since people started supporting the Resistance, fewer and fewer couples decide to give up their children to become a magician, despite the huge sum of money they are promised in return. If this tendency continues, soon we will be left without a next generation of magicians that would inevitably result in the end of our rule in the Empire. Commoners would without a doubt manage to seize power from a magician generation that is small and weak. We cannot let that happen. Therefore, I have an amend-"

"Is the situation with apprentices really this grave?" Nathaniel whispered to Ffoukes. "I had no idea. Then again, I haven't yet bothered with acquiring an apprentice – I will postpone it as long as I can."

"What, you don't like children, John?" Ffoukes smirked.

"Phhh. They give me the creeps," the young magician replied as Sullivan tapped the microphone that seemed to be having technical problems.

"Wonder why Pattinson doesn't try to help Sully with the microphone," Ffoukes remarked.

"Pattinson might be Minister of Technology, but I doubt he knows how to switch on a laptop, let alone repair a microphone," Nathaniel sniggered. "Amateurs."

Finally a clerk arrived to fix the microphone so that Sullivan could continue his speech. "As I've said, I have this proposal. Why not take our apprentices from the orphanages in the future? Each magician above twenty-five should have the right to claim an orphan of their own choice as their apprentice. The child, of course, has to be at least five when he or she becomes an apprentice – in this respect the law should not be changed. Accordingly, I beg to move the Second Reading of this Bill."

The Ministers and Members of Parliament cheered politely.

Deveraux again cleared his throat. "And now, it is time to put the matter to the vote in order to… er, excuse me. My secretary's calling." He fished his madly ringing mobile phone out of his breast pocket. For a few seconds he seemed to be listening to his secretary with an impassive expression, then suddenly blanched.

"Looks bad," Nathaniel murmured to Ffoukes. "Wonder what happened…"

The Prime Minister ended the call, his face still as white as a sheet. "Terrorist attack at Piccadilly," he said in a wavering voice. "Several buildings were destroyed by a bomb that exploded in Harridges Department Store."

"Harridges?" Nathaniel gasped and jumped to his feet. "Excuse me. I, as the Minister of Internal Affairs…"

With that he stormed out of the Chamber.

o o o O O O o o o

A/N: Nat's getting worried about her… ;)

The reason for using Ffoukes as Nat's friend: I wanted a character from Stroud's world to be his friend, and I wanted someone who was barely ever mentioned in the books and whom we barely know. This way I had a chance to form his personality to my liking, and I really like the Ffoukes I 'forced' him to be… yeah, he might have stolen something from a minister in Golem, but who says he can't be a nice guy all the same? He will be a nice guy ;)

Be so kind and review! (Ffnet seems to have a problem with submitting reviews right now – it keeps repeating 'review throttle' – it seems to me that you need to be logged in already when you click on 'submit review' otherwise ffnet won't let you…)