It was kind of ironic, actually. She was an OB/GYN. So of course she'd have to deal with babies. Some people, after it… They couldn't look at babies properly for weeks without crying. And yet she had to hold them. They were sick.
Somehow she managed not to cry.
For two weeks.
Of course it got hard to keep it all in. Especially today. She watched as a woman delivered a stillborn. She watched helplessly, because there was no longer anything she could possibly do. She stood by the woman's side feeling like a traitor. Life was not fair by any means. The woman's sobbing was too much for her. Overcome with emotion, she left the cleaning up to the nurses and her interns. She fled to an empty on-call room.
Addison Montgomery-Shepherd needed a moment.
Or two.
She realized that her mascara was running. There was no way she could hide the way she felt anymore. She prayed that nobody would come in. Few people had ever seen her as restless and angry as she was now… And those few people were the ones she had hurt. Or the ones she would hurt. It was all the same to her now.
It didn't help that Mark was catching on. She refused to as much as touch him. She was distant. He was concerned.
Her pager rang. She brushed the tears out of her eyes, and reapplied her mascara as best she could. She stood up and walked through the hallways as though everything was just perfect.
The woman's husband was waiting in the hallway. He looked grief stricken. "I-I can't get through to her. Please- please, will you try?"
She felt her insides twist. It wasn't professional. She didn't know what to do.
It was irony that caused Mark Sloan to be watching her at that exact moment. He stood at the nurses' desk. He stared at her intently. Mark Sloan was never one to hide.
She turned away from Mark, faced the man in front of her, "Mr. Garred," She started. Her hands shook. Be professional. "I… I think right now you need to be by her side." Deep breath. "She may not want to talk to you right now, because there are so many things she must be feeling, but just stand by her and hold her hand. Be there for her."
She felt Mark's stare on her back. Everyone knew. They must. Could they see it? Did they look at her and just know? Mr. Garred stared at the floor. "Right." He looked at the door to his wife's room.
Taking another breath, she forced a smile. The tears were surging to her eyes, "She needs you, and I know she does. She doesn't need me. She needs you."
Mr. Garred looked up at Addison, "You're right. Thank you Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."
She winced at the name Shepherd. She winced again because Mr. Garred thought she was helping. God was she selfish. She placed her hand on Mr. Garred's shoulder. "I will be here." She was beginning to choke.
Mr. Garred gave her a sincere saddened smile, "Once again, thank you. For everything." He looked at her again before opening the door. "Are you okay?"
"Yes." She nodded vehemently, almost crying. Why did Mr. Garred of all people have to care? "Page me if you need anything." With a nod, he disappeared to comfort his ailing wife.
Mark was behind her in a flash. "Addison?" He asked in a soft voice.
"What?" Her voice came out angry, harsher than usual.
He ignored her tone and placed two fingers gently on her cheek. "You're not okay." He took his fingers away from her face and stared at them. They were wet.
"Mark, not in the hospital." She said and began to turn away. "I'm fine."
"Why were you crying?"
She shook her head, "Everyone is staring at us." She swiped a hand over her eye to catch the rest of her tears and made sure she stood taller. Everything was okay. Mark didn't have a clue. Right?
"Then we'll go to an on-call room." He shrugged looking at several of the interns, "For a consult."
It was ironic that the room that he led her to now was the same room she had been sobbing in several moments earlier.
He sat next to her. "Addison." His voice was gentle and gruff at the same time. She loved him.
"What?" She asked, avoiding his intense stare. Instead, she chose to look out the window.
He laced his fingers with hers. "You're not okay." He paused, only letting go of her hand to wipe another tear from her cheek. This gentle gesture made her even more ashamed. "I need to know why you're not okay."
She shook her head. Images of the cold table flashed into her mind. What would he think if she told him? He wasn't the bad guy here, she was. She wiped her nose and forced herself to look at him. "It's nothing, Mark."
He looked away. "You can stop this."
Her heart sunk. "What?"
"I know."
Knowledge. It was a powerful thing. She furrowed her eyebrow, tried to look confused. "Know what?" She asked, and smoothed her lab coat.
"That you were pregnant." His voice was smooth and hard all at the same time. It made her nervous. She felt like crying, but she stayed in control. Always stay in control. Her mantra. Silently she looked down at the ground, turned her wedding band over on her finger. Mark hated that she still wore it. "You have to talk." His voice was harder now.
The dizziness never wore off and it made her feel sick. Was she ever going to stop feeling sick? She took the practical approach, "I was."
"And now you're not." He said. The physical distance between them left her feeling cold and alone. She was an awful person.
"How'd you find out?" Her voice was still steady. He never broke his gaze. "How long have you known?"
"You underestimate me always, Addison." He gave a rough laugh. "I'm quite perceptive." She shivered under his stare. "There are ways to find out. I happened to get a phone call. Nice lady your doctor was. Didn't seem to realize you were a renowned obstetrician. Had to give instructions. She seemed to be under the impression that you didn't know what you were doing. Imagine that." Mark commented dryly. "Addison Montgomery-Shepherd not knowing what she was doing."
The tears were running full stream. She couldn't seem to stop shaking. "I-I can't." She let herself go. She cried so hard that she shook the both of them. "I-I just can't do this."
He stopped glaring at her. The distance was gone. For now. She sought comfort in his arms. "Shhh," He whispered, his mouth against her ear. "Don't cry." It was somewhat ironic, or maybe not. She couldn't decide. He shifted, "I should've been there. I should've been there even if you didn't want me."
She wanted to scream out that she needed him. That she needed him every step of the way. But she was a terrible person, so she stayed silent. By no means did she deserve him. He was angry, and yet he still held her in his arms. She couldn't take it. "I-I have to go." She said and stood up, immediately thinking of Richard's phone call. The best thing for her now was to leave. She couldn't look at him anymore. Couldn't face herself.
He knew what she meant. "No."
She had to leave New York. "One day I'll tell you."
"Addison don't do this." He stood up. He wasn't much taller than her, but right now he seemed to tower over her. "It's not fair."
She nodded. "I know."
She wrestled herself away from his grip and stared at him one more time. Then she left New York.
Something had changed in their relationship. She loved him. He loved her. But it didn't come down to that any more. It was just a game of pretending. A game of denial.
The next time he saw her they didn't talk about it. It was there, but it wasn't. That's how it always would be to both of them. Haunting.