She Part Four

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He's dead I can't believe it but he's dead. The hole in my heart's growing. As I look at the clothes on my bed I can't help but cry inside more. Why had it happened? It was senseless everything about it had been senseless. I was so afraid of knowing who did it to him. She was crying too.

Coming back from the hospital Sean and I had to hold her so tightly. The two of them had dated even for a brief time they had a connection. Poor Liberty, she didn't shed a tear at the hospital but that was the biggest lie she had ever held on to I knew Liberty better than probably half the student population.

Liberty and I had known each other almost longer than I had known her. When we were kids Liberty and I would be talking about the word of the day while she went to look at the older girls' clothes from afar. Everything then really had been much simpler. JT was still alive and breathing.

He wasn't just some corpse now on view. Oh God JT's grandmother it was hard telling Mrs. Yorke her grandson was dead. Poor woman her son and wife had died in a car crash, her husband died from old age, and now her only grandson was gone. It was one thing to plan your parent's funeral but it was something else to have to bury your grandson.

Mom and Snake both had a punishment for her and me when we got home but it wasn't the punishment that had us sobbing on the floor. Looking at her I wanted to cradle her in my arms. Tell her everything was going to be alright that this was some stupid dream, some strange allusion we'd wake up in the morning from.

But that wasn't the case, I couldn't even remember the last time we'd been to a funeral for anyone least of all one of our own friends. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Rick's death had been something of an eye opener.

I had learned life was short and precious that I wanted to live mine fully in the end and not fear death. I had lived by that until now, now I was terrified of death again. He wouldn't want me to live like this but he wasn't here to tell me what he really wanted right? JT just come back tell us that this is some stupid joke. I cry to myself trying to find some acceptable and suitable outfit to wear for the funeral.

Was she crying right now like I was? Back at the hospital she'd been holding back on me about something. I just wanted a clear answer from her. Right now though for the moment I had to focus on this outfit thing. JT had mentioned that I always looked pretty in plaid, my fingers ran across suddenly the plaid and denimin skirt he had sewn for all of us girls way back when.

When he gave her own skirt she was so full of life and purity. Her happy smile radiated the room and JT was thrilled to see someone so grateful for a creation of his. He would have made an amazing father, if not to Mia's daughter to the family him and Liberty would have started if the two got back on track as he seemed determined to do back at her party.

I can feel a tear trickle down my cheek. It stains a few of my sheets. Where is she when I need her? I need her to hold me just as much as I want to hold her in turn. I hear footsteps come down the steps of my room. Looking up it isn't her it is Sean, he's wearing a black suit. Toby and Mrs. Yorke had asked Sean if he would mind being a pallbearer at the funeral. With the entire humbled honor Sean possessed accepted the invitation.

"You okay hun?" he asks coming closer to me. Being firm and stable he takes me into his arms. I can smell his special cologne; it's comforting at the moment. Granted it may not be her he's still special. I can tell we'll make a good family in the future when we plan to start one, I play with the ring he recently bought me as we hug each other.

When it comes to the idea of families I remember as a child JT, Liberty, Manny, and I would play families together after school in day care. JT and Liberty some how always paired themselves up together. I guess even then the two were an item, JT just never understood it. But she and I were thrown together in the same comfort. Both of us took turns who played mommy and daddy in the family.

"That's stupid," Gavin had told us one day "Yeah you can't have two girls!" Paige had chimed in with Spinner her pretend boyfriend. The two had agreed on everything at that point.

"No its' not wrong at all," JT and Liberty stuck up for Manny and myself. God I wish JT was here it was this one moment that I realized I could have used him all these years to tell him about these conflicting emotions. He had been accepting from the very start. I'm crying more as I take this huge trip down memory lane.

"Emma hun snap out of it," Sean begins to shake me violently. He knows I'm remembering the past. I can't lie to him about much except her. My emotions with him are almost always raw. Would he be this accepting of me if he knew I also loved someone else, someone that wasn't Peter, someone that had something he didn't have?

I want to make the rest of my life mean something with both him and her. Is it possible? No I'd have to probably hurt him in the process. But I can't hurt him. I love him over all this time love has brought me something amazing, love that has grown and been tested. Maybe I should just forget about her with all this put her behind me like I'll probably put JT's death in the past with a lot of therapy.

Suddenly on my mix from my laptop a soft sweet song by Darren Hayes comes on called "So Beautiful." My tears aren't going to stop this is one of those songs that just grips me everytime. My skin fills with static. I can't take it any more. I'm going to break down, I think as I begin to sink to the floor and I can feel her close.

I look up to the steps and see her at the top staring with huge eyes down at Sean and me. I feel like I'm betraying her all of a sudden. Wait, is it just my imagination, does she want to comfort me instead? Right now before I break down I'll hold onto that it maybe false hope but its enough for the moment.

Tell her. Someone or something says across my ear, a brush of cold air soon accompanies it, but looking around I can't pin point a location in the room where the cold air could have come from. A smile comes to my heart as I silently thank JT for guiding me even now.

My dearest friend JT I will not let you down. I've got to tell her soon. JT you dying has taught me that life is short and that I should tell the people I love that I love them before the moment is gone. Please give me your strength in telling her that.

AN: I just got done seeing and reading the important parts of Rock This Town and Bitterest Pill. I may not have seen everything but what I did see as of recent inspired this part of She.