Ralph and Harvey sat in the green van, discussing their next raid.
Ralph was about five or six feet tall. He had glasses on, had sharp features, he had black hair and was wearing a green army jacket.
Harvey was a bit shorter than Ralph. He had round features, and was wearing a black trench coat. Harvey was bald.
Paying no attention as a small six year old with a stuffed tiger raced by, Ralph and Harvey planned their attack.
"OK." Ralph said, holding up a slip of paper. "I have a list of all the people who have gone out on a summer vacation."
Harvey rubbed his hands together.
"Who?" He asked, eagerly.
Ralph cleared his throat.
"Ahem. The Machecks are out to Florida, The Stanleys are in Mexico, The Watsons are in Ohio, and the..."
Ralph paused.
He stared at the name in front of him.
"They have such a weird name, I can't pronounce it. But they have a kid called Calvin. And they're out camping."
Harvey grinned.
"Great, so where are we going to start?"
Ralph chuckled.
"Right here. The Machecks here supposedly have some fine jewelry."
"What about the lock?" Harvey asked.
Ralph started at him.
"What about the lock?" He asked.
"Well, won't we have trouble with the lock?"
"Have we ever?"
"Um..."
"Unlock the lock. Take the lock out. Go in through a window. The lock is irrelvent." Ralph said.
"You mean irrelevant?"
"What?"
"You said irrelvent, it's pronounced irrelevant."
"Do you want to break into the house or correct my spelling?"
"Well..."
"Shut up. Let's go. Don't let anyone see."
And with that, Ralph and Harvey exited the van, took a couple of crowbars, and began to sneak towards the house.
Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes had entered the grocery store.
"Alright, Hobbes." Calvin said. "We'll split up to cover more ground, OK?"
"Why, are we in a hurry?" Hobbes asked.
"Shut up. Now, you go that way, and pick up all the stuff we need down there."
Calvin handed Hobbes another copy of the list.
"I'll go this way, to pick up the more important things!"
"Uh huh."
There was a moment of silence.
"OK, let's get started." Calvin said.
"Get right on it." Hobbes yawned.
And with that, Calvin and Hobbes went their separate ways.
Calvin headed towards the cereal isle.
He began scanning the shelves.
"Hmmm, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Captain Crunch... Man, how do these companies stay in business?"
There was a moment of silence.
"AH here we are! Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs!"
Uh huh.
Calvin picked the box up, and read the back.
"Part of a well balanced diet. Supplies your recommended daily need for caffeine and some other important vitamin." He read. "Do not use chocolate milk."
Calvin shrugged, and threw the box into the cart.
"They really need to make the boxes bigger." He said.
He turned around to go, when suddenly, he noticed another cereal box.
Peanut Butter Frosted Sugar Bombs
Calvin stared at it for a long time.
Then he grabbed it off the shelf, and threw it into the cart.
He started to leave, but then saw another one.
Cinnamon Frosted Sugar Bombs
Calvin grinned, and took that one off.
He looked ahead.
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cinnamon Frosted Sugar Bombs. With Marshmallows!
Calvin chuckled, and threw that into the cart as well.
As well as a few others he found.
Meanwhile, Hobbes, went walking down the isle.
He was studying the list, and tapping his chin.
"OK, so we need some pickles."
Hobbes started down one of the isles.
He scanned the shelves.
He didn't see any pickles.
Hobbes' brow furrowed, as he scanned it for the third time.
"Hmm, what a dilemma." He said to himself.
Suddenly, a woman wearing the grocery store uniform, and a tag that said, "How may I help you?" came walking in the isle.
Hobbes ignored her for a second as she started filing through cans her, back to Hobbes.
Finally Hobbes gave up, and turned around to face the employee.
"Excuse me, miss, would you happen to know where I could find the pickles?" he asked, casually.
"Certainly." The employee said, turning around. "They're right down at the end of... the..."
She looked around.
There was no one there.
Only a stuffed tiger sat in front of her, giving her a blank stare.
She stared at the stuffed animal.
"...isle." She finished.
She rubbed her head, and turned back around.
"I need to stop having third cups of coffee in the morning." She said to herself.
"Thank you." Said the voice again.
The woman whirled around.
The stuffed tiger had vanished.
No, I don't get it, either.
Hobbes picked up the pickles, and threw it into his basket.
Then he continued, whistling to himself.
In the meantime, Calvin was over at the freezers, studying the various flavors of ice creme they had available.
It was a tough decision.
Especially since he had already decided to spend half of the money on all the cereal he had in the cart.
"Hmmm." Calvin said, tapping his chin. "Do we want the usual Cookies 'n' Creme? Or perhaps some of that Killer Caramel? The Peanut Butter / Chocolate looks good, too."
Calvin continued to stare at the selections before him.
Then he saw it.
Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs flavored ice creme.
Calvin stared at it for a long time.
He grinned.
"Gee whiz, these people make everything!"
Calvin yanked it out of the freezer, and tossed it into the cart.
"They sure do have a lot of these." Calvin said, studying the shelf. "I'm surprised they didn't sell out the day they got them."
And with that, Calvin walked off with the ice creme.
Hobbes, meanwhile, had collected the pickles, hot dogs, hot dog buns, ham burgers, ham burger buns, and cheese.
All he needed now was the tuna.
Hobbes walked down the isles, looking for the tuna.
"Let me see here." He thought out loud. "I like the Chicken of the Sea a lot more than what Kirkland puts out, so that should be my target."
Hobbes studied the shelves.
"Maybe I should ask another employee..." He began.
He looked around.
There wasn't one in sight.
Hobbes turned back to the shelves.
"Well, I guess if it all came down to it, Kirkland would be OK."
Hobbes went through the shelves, again.
He scratched his head in confusion.
"You'd think these people would put the good stuff out for everyone to see."
There was a moment of silence.
Hobbes leaned over, and pushed a package of Kirkland out of the way.
There was the Chicken of the Sea, hidden behind all the other packages.
Hobbes grinned.
"Smarties." He chuckled.
He took a couple packages, and added it to his basket.
He checked his list.
"Well, that's about everything. Except the ice."
Hobbes put the list away, and began walking towards the checkout.
Have we ever discussed Hobbes' fur?
Maybe not.
He has these little pocket things on each side of his legs. It's like he's wearing jeans. But its fur.
Mom, with the help of her sewing basket, had personally installed them, after Calvin had demanded to know why Hobbes didn't have them.
So whenever Hobbes has a piece of paper or whatever that he doesn't want to hold in his hand, he just slips it away into his little "pocket".
Calvin, meanwhile, had to finished shopping, and he started to walk back to where he and Hobbes had started out.
Calvin rolled the cart up to the checkout stand.
Soon afterward, Hobbes came, bearing his basket of food.
"OK, Hobbes, the shopping has been done. What do you have?"
"I have what was on the list." Hobbes said. "I don't think the audience wants to hear it again."
"Uh huh, well, I got some Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bomb flavored ice creme, Peanut Butter Frosted Sugar Bombs, Cinnamon Frosted Sugar Bombs, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cinnamon Frosted Sugar Bombs, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cinnamon Frosted Sugar Bombs with marshmallows, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs toothpaste, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs scented lip balm, The autobiography of William "Hyper" Spring, inventor of the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs cereal, and some Willy Wonka flavored Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs."
There was a long moment of silence.
Hobbes gave Calvin an unblinking stare.
"So in other words, I did all the shopping." He said, pointing at himself.
"Correct. Now then, all this stuff plus what you have will bring our total up to..."
Calvin began typing some things into a calculator.
"Twenty five, forty five."
His grin dropped.
"Oops." He said.
"What?" Hobbes asked.
"We only have twenty four dollars." Calvin said, putting the calculator away. "We're gonna have to put something back."
Calvin and Hobbes stared into each other's eyes.
"I was waiting for you to volunteer, perhaps...?" Calvin began, moving his hand around.
Hobbes sighed.
"Calvin, you have all that junk there in that cart. Just put that stupid autobiography back. Or better yet, all of it!"
"Hobbes, I have been insulted." Calvin said, defensively. "Telling me to put back my cereal is like telling me to put back my soul! This cereal is who I am!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Fine, I'll put the pickles away." Hobbes said, picking them out of the basket.
"A fine idea." Calvin said. "Pickles are horrible! I have no idea why I added them to the list!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes, and set the pickles back onto a shelf.
He walked back to Calvin.
Calvin gave him the thumbs up, and he rolled it into the checkout.
The woman gave Calvin a stare.
"Hello." She said.
"Greetings!" Calvin said. "I'd like to buy all of this!"
"I'm sure you do."
The woman began running the items through the checkout.
Rolling her eyes with each one.
Finally, she ran the last one through.
"That will be twenty four fifty three, please." She said.
Calvin reached into his pocket, and piled a bunch of coins and coupons onto the counter.
"Will this cover it?" He asked
The woman stared at the pile.
She sighed.
"Kid, you can't buy things like this."
"Yes I can, watch."
Calvin reached over, and quickly separated the quarters, dimes, and pennies into dollars, and set the coupons aside.
"There ya go." He said.
The woman gave Calvin a glare, sighed, and started piling everything into the register.
"Have a nice day." She said, handing Calvin a couple of bags.
"I thank-eth you for your kind words!" Calvin said, grabbing the bags away.
The woman rolled her eyes.
Calvin handed Hobbes a bag, and they set out for the exit.
Meanwhile, Ralph and Harvey had just finished their raid.
They had taken several pieces of jewelry, the big screen plasma TV, the DVD player, and a couple quarters Harvey found behind the couch.
"Well, another successful mission, Harvey." Ralph grinned, pushing the big screen into the back of the van. "We really struck gold, this time!"
Harvey was piling all the jewelry into the glove compartment.
"Yup!" He chuckled.
Ralph came around to the front.
"Come on, let's get out of here before someone sees us." He said.
Ralph and Harvey got into the car.
Ralph started the engine.
It rolled over, but didn't start.
"Stupid van!" Ralph growled, twisting the key left and right.
Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes were walking down the sidewalk, each holding a bag.
Calvin was babbling about how he couldn't wait to try out all of his new cereal, and Hobbes was watching birds and butterflies fly by.
They were fifteen feet from the Machecks' house.
Ralph was still trying to get the van started.
He was having no luck.
Harvey watched, quietly, as Ralph yelled and fumed at the van.
Suddenly, and just as Calvin and Hobbes were passing, the van started.
"OK, there we go." Ralph said. "Now let's..."
Calvin walked right into the way of the driveway.
He heard the vroom of a van starting.
He looked up.
There was a green van bumping down the driveway towards him.
His eyes bulged.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!" He screamed, throwing his hands into the air.
The van screeched to a stop.
Ralph stuck his head out the window.
"HEY! KID!" He yelled. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!"
Calvin's face was red.
"WATCH WHERE I'M GOING! YOU IDIOTS NEARLY RAN ME OVER! YOU SHALL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!!!"
"Idiots!" Ralph growled, dangerously. "What was that?!"
Calvin angrily gathered his stuff together, and commanded to Hobbes that they would continue.
Ralph and Harvey glared at him as he walked by them.
"What are we going to do?" Harvey asked.
Ralph glared after Calvin.
"Nothing." He said. "We're going to go on to our next house. We have better things to do than chase a bratty little kid."