The walk back was cold and lonely. By the time I reached the fire again, many people were beginning to file next to it, eager to warm themselves after the cold walk from the gym. I didn't see Darien anywhere, and for a moment I wondered if he had gone back up to the dorms, but then I heard a burst of laughter and turned to see him drinking from a bottle of liquor with a group of boys. His blue eyes met my gaze for only an instant before darting hastily away. After I heard another bout of forced laughter leave his lips, I decided I'd had enough.
As I turned to walk away, however, my path was blocked by an unexpected figure. Lucas Diamond was standing in front of me, wearing what appeared to be his normal clothes, clutching a beer in hand. I could tell by his unsteady stance and bleary eyes that he was drunk, and as he swayed towards me, I recoiled instinctively.
"Ren!" He shouted, throwing a heavy arm around my shoulders. "I have to talk to you," he murmured, his words slurring terribly. I cringed and tried to pull away, but his grip was too strong.
"What do you want?" I asked, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Darien rise to his feet, his eyes worried.
"I need to ask you about a girl," he said quietly. "I need to ask you about your cousin, the pretty one I met the other night."
I shuddered and tried to pull away. "You're drunk, get off me!"
"Don't get all testy!" he said defensively, finally pulling away. "I just wanted to know a little more about her… Is she single? Or is there someone special in her life?"
The tone of his voice suddenly struck me, and I leveled him with a hard look. Although he was obviously drunk, there was something in his eyes, like he was laughing at some private joke. I turned to see Darien sitting down again, as if satisfied that Diamond wasn't man-handling me anymore, and I frowned as he once again reached for the bottle. This night was too weird, and I wasn't going to watch him get drunk, or put up with Diamond's sick games. I shook my head and pushed past my arch enemy with surprising ease, and I suddenly wondered if he had been really wondering about "Serena" at all. It didn't matter, I just wanted to go home.
Miserable and suddenly exhausted, I turned to leave and suddenly bumped into Raye and Jarod, looking positively adorable in their matching costumes.
"Hey! There you are! What a great costume!" Raye cried cheerfully, stepping back to admire my form, but suddenly frowned at my dismal features. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing," I murmured. "I can't talk about it now. I'll see you later okay?" I brushed past her and started up the hill.
"Wait!" she called from behind me, and I could hear her small feet crunching behind me in the snow as she headed after me. "What happened?" she asked, when she finally reached my side. Tears pricked at the back of my eyelids, and I bit my lower lip to keep them from falling.
"Nothing," I choked out. "I'm just… I'm just stupid! I did something really stupid," I managed, struggling to hold back the sobs that wanted desperately to come out. I shook my head. "I can't talk about it now," I told her. "Later, okay?"
She stared at me for a long time, but finally nodded. "Okay," she answered reluctantly.
I gave her a quick hug, and then headed up to the dorm room without another look back.
The next two weeks were probably the hardest of my life. Darien refused to talk to me, and any attempts for me to try to explain myself were always thwarted by his claims of places to be and things to do. To make matters worse, he had stopped calling Serena as well, and as much as I wanted to find out why, all my calls went unanswered. It appeared my kiss had managed not only to lose Darien as my best friend, but as my potential boyfriend as well. After a week of the cold shoulder, I finally gave up trying to make peace. All the guys were confused at the complete lack of contact between Darien and I, save Jarod of course. Although he had been horrified by what I'd done, he at least felt sympathy and had even offered to try to patch up the rift between Darien and I. Of course I had adamantly refused. This was my mess, and I had to clean it up.
However, as the third week of November began, Darien was still as distant as ever. I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to talk to each other again.
"Maybe it's time for you to tell him the truth…"
I looked up at Jarod with surprise, but shook my head. "How could I possibly do that now? He won't even look at me," I said dully, throwing another sweater into my suitcase.
Thanksgiving was only a few days away and all of Madison was in disarray as people were scrambling to study for midterms and pack for the week they would spend at home. My last finals were tomorrow, and I was looking forward to going home, but part of me knew I was going to miss Madison's expansive grounds and wonderful inhabitants. Given recent events, however, I wasn't sure if it was worth it for me to come back to Madison, and this thought was probably the most depressing I'd had in a long time.
"Well, I could try and fix that," Jarod said helpfully, but frowned at my uninterested expression. "Are you just going to let it end like that? You told me yourself you're not sure you're going to come back! If you ask me, now would be the perfect time to tell him the truth!" He insisted, and I could tell from his voice that he was slightly frustrated.
"And then what?" I fired back, immediately bristling. "What would that solve exactly? Leaving without telling him would probably make him hate me less… Hell," I began, my voice lowering a little, "he'd probably be grateful." I sighed miserably, and closed my eyes. "No, it would probably be easier if I just disappeared."
"So that's it?" Jarod protested, pacing around me. "We went through all the other stuff just to end up here?"
"Is that so hard to accept?" I retorted angrily, but my heart wasn't truly in the argument, and I finally shrugged in defeat. "I'm tired of pretending," I said quietly, and he stopped walking to look at me. "I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be a boy; I just want to be Serena."
Jarod surveyed me with a sympathetic eye, and to my surprise, pulled me into a hug that I returned gratefully. "Just try and talk to him before you go, okay?" he pleaded softly in my ear. I closed my eyes tightly and nodded.
"I'll try." I promised.
My finals went surprisingly well. Although I had been losing quite a bit of sleep due to my worrying over Darien, the amount of time spent studying instead of hanging out paid off. History was the last final of the day for me, and I was a bit surprised by Ms. Haruna's warm response as I turned in my test.
"It's been a pleasure having you this semester Ren," she said quietly, favoring me with a small smile. "I wanted to wish you luck."
I cocked an eyebrow. "It's only midterms, Ms. Haruna," I said quietly.
She nodded, but I couldn't help but notice when I walked through the door, she was still wearing that same small, knowing smile. Shaking it off, however, I headed up to my dorm room to set out my tux and finish packing. I had nearly forgotten about tonight's cotillion. Apparently they had it every year to celebrate the end of midterms and the beginning of the winter holidays. Jarod, ever sarcastic, claimed it was just another night for the girls to dress up. I was just happy that I'd get a chance to hang out with him and Raye before I had to leave tomorrow, but a small part of me was hoping I could get Darien alone too. We had a lot to talk about, and I had a lot of apologizing to do. Tonight I was planning to come clean with everything.
A small knock on the door broke me from my thoughts, and I looked up to see Raye slipping through the door with a sheepish grin gracing her pretty face.
"Sorry!" she said quietly, closing the door behind her. "I just wanted to come visit you before tonight." She paused for a moment, as if unsure of what to say next, but finally looked up. "Jarod told me you weren't planning to come back next semester," she stated, and I nodded in response.
"This charade has gone on long enough," I answered bravely, but inside my heart was pounding. "I can't do this to myself anymore, and I certainly can't do it to your brother."
"Are you going to tell him then?" she asked hopefully.
"Tonight," I responded softly, zipping up my duffle bag and laying out my hooded sweatshirt bearing the Madison logo. "If he'll let me."
"Are you scared?"
The question stunned me in its simplicity, and for a moment, I couldn't answer. My fingers were frozen to the thick fabric of my sweatshirt, and my tongue was inexplicably glued to the roof of my mouth. The only thing that seemed to move in that space of time was my heart, pounding away inside my chest like a snare drum.
"Terrified," I answered finally, and straightened myself. "But what can I do?" I went on, sitting down on top of my bed so I was facing her. "I owe your brother the truth, if nothing else, and tonight is my last chance to give it to him. The fact that I'm scared doesn't matter…" I sighed, and looked away.
"I've gone through a lot Raye," I whispered. "I watched my mother waste away in a hospital bed, and stood in the room while she struggled for her last breaths. I braved my father's alcoholic misery during the years following her death, and I think I felt stronger in those moments than I do now."
The silence that filled the room after I spoke those words was so thick, I actually jumped when Raye finally spoke again, her voice choked with emotion.
"I think risking your heart is the most frightening thing to do," she said. "Grief can fade over time, but a broken heart is never truly whole again."
I looked up to see her eyes brimming with tears, and felt emotions surge within my own throat as I nodded. Without another word, I reached for her, and she fell into my arms. It felt so good to have a friend. I had met so many wonderful people in my few months at this school… Would I really have to give them up now? When they suddenly mattered so much to me?
By the time eight o'clock rolled around, I was dressed and ready to go, but the butterflies that filled my stomach certainly weren't taking a break. I was constantly fidgeting with my tie, and finally Jarod resorted to slapping my hand every time I attempted to fix myself. Needless to say, it worked, and when we entered the hallway to meet the rest of the gang, I finally managed to get a hold of myself. The boys were looking as handsome as ever, but to my surprise, Darien was not among them.
"Where's Darien?" Jarod asked, noticing my fretful expression. "Is he coming?"
Mal shook his head, and ran a tanned hand through his white-blond hair. "I don't know. I didn't get a chance to talk to him this afternoon." He shrugged. "I wouldn't worry about it, he's probably just running a little late."
"Should we wait for him?" I spoke up, a bit tentatively.
"Naw," Mal replied, favoring me with a small smile. "He can catch up."
And with that, we all headed down to the gym which had been decorated festively in whites, reds, and greens for the holidays. Jarod quickly found Raye in the crowd, looking stunning in a short, red, silk halter dress, and after the initial hugs and hellos, we made our way over to the refreshment table. Determined to pass the time in the least nervous manner possible, I socialized with the gang for a while, said some mental goodbyes to favorite teachers and friends, and drank an alarming amount of apple cider. Despite these many distractions, however, I was mostly on the lookout for Darien. I was disappointed though, when an hour passed by and he was still a no-show. I was beginning to worry that he wasn't going to come down at all.
These worries to unfounded, however, because just as my hopes of coming clean with him were dying, a couple stumbled through the door laughing uproariously. All heads turned to stare at the two disheveled individuals, some even favoring them with a look of obvious disdain, and I felt my mouth drop open. There was a very unkempt Darien, tux rumpled, hair tousled, and lips appearing almost bruised, half-carrying a giggling, scantily-clad, and obviously intoxicated Beryl. I suddenly felt Raye's tight grip on my arm and was thankful for it. I think the shock of this appalling sight might have caused me to faint right there. Instead, I had to be content with the tears that filled my eyes as I watched him struggle into a dignified position, yanking Beryl along with him. For a brief moment, his blue eyes caught mine, and to my surprise, they suddenly appeared to fill with remorse, and even embarrassment. A second later, however, these emotions were gone, and he was once again making his way over, looking almost arrogant.
"Starting the party a little early, aren't you Darien?" Jarod asked coldly, once Darien was within earshot.
"These things are always boring! I just thought I'd liven things up before I got here!" He protested dismissively, his words slurring slightly.
"Or really?" Raye fired back, raising a finely arched eyebrow. "So making an ass of yourself was intentional?" She glanced at Beryl and frowned with obvious disgust. "I guess you judgment matches your taste in trash."
Beryl glared daggers at Raye, but I could only struggle not to puke as Darien reached an arm about her waist, as if to protect her. I managed finally to tear my eyes from the horrifying image they made, and turned to place a gentle hand on Raye's arm.
"This was a mistake," I murmured quietly. "I'm leaving."
"Serena! Wait!" She whispered furiously, but I ignored her pleading looks and pushed past Darien and Beryl, causing a surprised exclamation from the tawdry tart.
This was utterly ridiculous! Here I was, trying to come clean with him--apologize for lying to him for almost four months--and he was all over that cruel, stupid, slut! Had he cared about me at all? Or Serena for that matter? I mean, I knew Beryl was probably just some cheap show of masculinity to prove to me and everyone else that he was straight as an arrow, but couldn't he have picked someone else to make a fool out of me? Why couldn't he have just called Serena twenty million times?
Furious, and unbelievably emotional, I struggled to see through my blinding tears as I stomped up the snow-covered walkway that led back to the dormitories. Darien could keep his loose woman, and I could keep the truth to myself. Tomorrow I would go home, I'd be with Mina and all the girls, and I would forget all about Darien Shields. Screw him, screw Madison, and damn the love I felt for him the moment I saw him!
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