Chapter 27
It was a while before I finally managed to pull myself from the outside of Darien's room, and when I did, it was agony. It was all I could do not to race back to his door and pound on it until he came out. I wanted to beg for his forgiveness while I planted kisses all over his proud face. I loved him, I truly did, and as my heart screamed out against the steady rising and falling of my footsteps, tears began to fall. I made my through the blur, however, and managed to collect my things with shaking hands. I walked through the door of my room for the last time as a pale and frightened ghost, and as I passed my love's room again I sent a silent goodbye to the angry boy within.
In mere moments I was down the stairs. In five minutes I reached the main hall. Two minutes after that I arrived at the main lobby, and still my heart felt as if it was being rung between powerful fingers. I found the room to be large and cold, so much so that I shook in my thick hooded sweatshirt. It was going to be a long and lonely two hours. To my surprise, however, a short grunt sounded from my left, and I realized I wasn't alone. I suddenly met the eyes of Dr. Thomas, and I shivered a little at the emptiness within.
"Ready to go?" he inquired, and I nodded dumbly. He surveyed my tear-streaked cheeks, and for a moment his brown eyes were sympathetic. "Your father will be here in a couple of hours. Because all the boys are in their rooms, you will not be bothered. There's a couch over there--" he gestured with one pudgy hand at the leather sofa on the other side of the room. "I suggest you take a nap."
I made no reply, but surprisingly his suggestion struck a cord within me. I suddenly realized I was exhausted. I raised my eyes to his and offered him an almost grateful smile. He didn't smile back, but instead offered me his hand. After a moments hesitation, I finally shook it.
"Good luck," he said gruffly.
"Thanks," I murmured.
He surveyed me with one last glance before turning abruptly and striding away with surprising speed. Once he was out of my sight, I headed over to the sofa, and collapsed onto it. Immediately my eyes began to feel heavy, and in moments Darien was completely out of my mind as I slipped into a dreamless slumber.
It seemed mere moments later when I found myself being shaken back into consciousness by strong hands. I blinked fiercely and slowly the figure in front of me came into focus. Tousled blond hair, strong jaw, full mouth, and dark, angry, brown eyes. It was my father.
I sat up quickly and nearly groaned as the world spun around me. My father reached out and managed to steady me.
"Are you all right?" he asked, and I nodded. He brought me into a standing position and looked me over, a cool expression gracing his handsome features. "Get your things," he ordered softly.
I obeyed him immediately, and after helping me with my trunk, we headed out into the freezing black night. I shivered at the bitter cold, and tried to concentrate on the crunching of the snow beneath us. My father didn't say anything, just led the way, his strides long and heavy.
We loaded my stuff into his Land Rover silently, our breaths steaming into the air around us. Once all my things were inside, my father motioned for me to get in the car. As he headed around toward the driver's side, I looked on Madison for the last time--a dark, hulking mass in the cold winter night. My eyes itched, and I suddenly knew I was going to cry, but the slamming of my father's door awoke me from my emotions, and I turned away from the place where I had found love.
I got into the car, and after buckling my seat belt, my father put it in gear and sped away from the school that had been my home for months. For the first half hour, we were completely silent. I had a lot to think about, but mostly I was afraid of the growing tension filling the Rover as we sped away from Madison. I stole a glance at my father and noticed the strain in his strong shoulders, and the white-knuckle grip he had on the steering wheel. Suddenly, I felt immensely guilty. This had to be a rough night for him.
"Daddy…" I began tentatively.
"Not now, Serena," he muttered.
"Daddy, I know what you must be think--" I began, but he cut me off.
"Don't start something you might want to stop, Serena," he said dangerously. "There's a million things I'm thinking about, but I'm not in the mood to talk about this calmly right now. I'm more in a 'screaming like a raging maniac' frame of mind."
I winced. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
"You're sorry?" he repeated incredulously, his voice rising. "You're sorry? Sorry for what, Serena? For lying to me? For putting yourself in danger? For costing me thousands of dollars in tuition fees at a school where you will never receive credit? I don't even know where to begin with you!"
My temper flared suddenly, and before I could stop myself, I was yelling back at him. "Is that what this is about? The money?" I shouted.
Suddenly, my father slammed onto the brakes, jerking me into my seatbelt, and causing the driver behind us to pass, blaring their car horn the entire way.
"Don't you dare try to turn this into something it isn't," he warned, and I turned away as tears filled my eyes. "I don't give a damn about the money."
"Liar," I muttered, my eyes overflowing. "What else could it be? You haven't given a damn about me since Mom died."
My father's breath hitched at the mention of my mother, and guilt immediately dug into my heart. "This isn't about that, and you know it," my dad said softly. "You know I love you very much."
"Do I?" I fired back, rounding on him. "Since Mom died, what's been the longest period of time you've spent at home in the last six years? A week? Maybe two? Between the bottle you hide in your dresser drawer, your apartment in New York, and your job that's conveniently located there, the family bond we used to have has been pretty much nonexistent." I gasped as these last words left my lips, and I turned away. However, I couldn't shake the resentment that hung over my heart. "Honestly, I didn't think you'd even notice I was gone."
A long silence ensued, and in its duration, I stopped crying.
"Serena, look at me," my father suddenly spoke, and I shook my head. "Serena…" he insisted. "Look at me."
I raised my head, and was stunned to see tears in his eyes. "You are so wrong about all of this," he said softly, and I chuckled bitterly. "No," he repeated seriously, and I stopped. "You're wrong." He sighed and shook his head. "I know these last years have been really rough on you and Mina, and I'm so sorry for that. You're right, I haven't been there for you, and all I can do is apologize for it.
"I loved your mother so much, and I still do." He looked down, and I was stunned as I saw twin tears fall into his lap. "I know I'm not the man she fell in love with anymore, and if she could see me now, she'd be very disappointed… but it's never stopped me from loving you and your sister with all of my heart." He paused. "I miss your mother, and missing her makes me a weaker man than I want to be. I want to be strong, for you and Mina, but without her, I don't know how.
"When I got that call from your principle, I was confused and angry, but above all else, I was terrified. Someone had tried to hurt my little girl, and all the school wanted to do was cover it up. I was angry and hurt that you had lied to me, but I was so afraid that you were not okay." He rubbed his eyes, and I smiled softly. "I came here tonight because I care about you, not to get my money back, or perform some sort of duty. I came because I'm your father, and because I love you."
"Daddy…" I whispered, and then my arms were around his neck.
"I love you so much honey," he murmured into my hair.
"I love you too, Daddy," I choked, pulling away. He wiped away the tears that had slipped passed my eyelids and smiled at me.
"What are we going to do about your hair?" he asked, pulling at a strand that had fallen into my eye, and I laughed.
"It'll grow back," I promised, and he nodded.
I sat back in my seat, and my dad once again put the car in drive. We were quiet for a few moments, when he suddenly broke in.
"By the way, you know you're grounded right?"
From that point on, the trip went fairly smoothly. Although I could see my dad was still pretty angry, the whole thing was going much better than I expected.
"You do know we're going to have to do something about all the school you missed," he broke in, and I turned from the window.
"What do you suggest?" I asked.
"Well, I know it won't be much fun, but the best alternative would be to take college night courses--that way you can get a head start on your G.E. credits, and take care of the stuff you missed," he answered. "I think you should enroll at the community college as soon as we get home."
"How many classes are we talking about?" I wondered, thinking immediately of my friends and my job.
"Probably two or three. They'll be about three hours long, and they'll probably meet twice a week," he informed me.
"So you're saying after being in school for six hours, I have go back for another three hours?" I asked incredulously.
"You put yourself in this position," he said warningly. "It's either that, or graduate late. I don't think either of us want that."
"No," I agreed, sighing wistfully. I turned my eyes back to the window. "We don't want that."
The car was quiet for a long time before my father spoke again, and the question he asked me next was the only question I wasn't quite prepared to answer.
"Why did you do it, Serena?"
I jumped, and turned towards him, my expression surprised. He stared at me expectantly. "All this trouble, it must have been something important."
I shook my head. "It's stupid," I said softly.
"I don't think you would do something like this if it were stupid," my father put in, and I laughed softly. "I admit, my curiosity is peaked," he encouraged, and I smiled.
"I did it for a boy," I answered.
A moment of silence ensued. "A boy?" my dad repeated, and I nodded. He paused, and I could tell he was digesting it all. "A boy?" he said again, and I laughed.
"Shut up! I said it was stupid…" I muttered, blushing furiously.
"It's not stupid. It's just… different. He must be some boy," my father said gently, and my smile faded.
"He was," I said softly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.
"Not now," I answered honestly.
"Not now, or not ever?" he asked playfully, but I didn't smile back.
"It's a toss up," I murmured.
We didn't speak again for the rest of the trip, but we didn't need to. Somehow, I think my dad understood.
By the time we finally pulled into the parking structure of our apartment complex, the sky was beginning to lighten into a fair blue with tinges of pink kissing at the edges of the clouds. My father and I unloaded my things quickly and headed towards the elevator. My eyelids felt as if ten-pound weights were tied to them, and the light bag slung across my shoulders seemed to weigh a ton. I was exhausted, and as I listened to my dad's tired grunts as he heaved my enormous bag into the elevator, I realized he was too.
When we reached my apartment, the door was thrown open before my dad could fumble for his keys. Mina stood in the doorway, her long blond hair disheveled and her blue eyes wildly alight. A second later, she crashed into me, and I barely managed to steady myself before her arms were around my neck in a death grip.
"Are you all right?" she whispered furiously.
"I'm fine," I choked out. "I need to breathe though!"
"I don't care!" she wailed. "It's going to take me a second to make sure you're okay!" She cried, but she loosened her hold just enough for me to get a breath in.
"What happened?" she asked. "What about Darien? How's Mal? Does everyone know now?"
She continued to fire question after question at me, and I raised my hands to stop her.
"Later, Mina, please," I pleaded.
"But--" She protested.
"Mina…" My father warned, and she backed down. "Let your sister sleep. You have plenty of time to talk about all this. Especially since your sister is on restriction until summer."
I was too tired to argue against that, so I simply pushed past the two of them, and somehow managed to find my way into my bedroom. After taking one look at my distantly familiar twin bed covered with pink down comforters and bunny pillows, I almost cried with happiness. In seconds I had collapsed onto my bed, a moment later I was fast asleep. Although my life was in shambles, and I had plenty of lectures and responsibilities to face when I awoke that afternoon, I was overjoyed to be home.
"Serena…"
A soft voice penetrated my dreams of a dark-haired young man in the snow, and I turned my face away from the noise.
"Serena… wake up!" the voice commanded, and I flinched.
"Go away!" I muttered, and a soft giggle followed my annoyed exclamation.
"Come on Serena! It's almost two in the afternoon, and the girls are on their way over!"
I opened my eyes and was immediately blinded by the sunlight filtering through the sheer curtains of my bedroom. As my world slowly came into focus, so did the image of Mina, looking almost angelic with her blond hair and white sweater outlined by the noon-day sun. I sat up reluctantly and groggily began to rub the sleep from my eyes.
"What time is it?" I groaned.
"Almost two, now get up!" Mina commanded, and proceeded to throw a towel at me. "I'm assuming you want to take a shower," she smiled. "I bought your favorite peach shampoo."
I chuckled and shook my head. "Thanks," I murmured, picking up the towel and heading for the bathroom.
I showered and shaved slowly, luxuriating in the simple process of being a girl again. When I got out, I toweled off my now-smooth legs, pulled on my favorite bathrobe, and wrapped my short hair in a bath towel. I smiled, realizing that I wouldn't have to cut it anymore, and I could style it any way I wanted.
I raised my eyes to examine myself in the mirror over the sink, and suddenly was overwhelmed by an enormous feeling of déjà vu. I remembered the first time I had seen myself in the mirror at Madison. I remembered how in that moment I had left my identity as Serena behind. Who was I now? Was I Ren? Or was I Serena again? I had been pretending so long, that for the first time I didn't really know how to act, who to be, or how to start.
Tears filled my eyes, and in the back of my mind, I could almost hear Jarod's easy laugh, Nathan's terrible jokes, Zach's gentle scolding, and Malcolm's stern lectures. I could almost hear Darien's voice, almost see his beautiful face, and almost feel his tender hand on my shoulder ensuring me that it was all right, that he could forgive me for everything I had done. But they were all gone now. What would I do without them?
Mina and the girls found me like that, crying as I stared at my reflection. In moments they were all around me, ensuring me that everything was going to be okay: I would forget him, and I could now be myself. I only cried harder at their gentle encouragement, however. The only person I wanted to be was who I was with him.
An hour later I sat in an overstuffed armchair in my living room with my fingers wrapped around a steaming mug of cocoa. My tears had long since ceased to fall, mostly due to Lita's excellent mix of hot chocolate and whip cream, and the fluffy pink bunny slippers on my feet. The more time I spent in the comfort of my own home, the more I began to feel like the old Serena--and it was also really hard to feel sad when pink bunnies were smiling up at you from your feet.
I looked up and noticed Lita had found her way to my side of the room. She stood before me expectantly with the canister of whip cream in her hands, and I smiled and raised my mug so she could top me off. It was Thanksgiving Day, and as usual, Lita was spending it with Mina and I. It was a tradition that had been going on for about four years now. When Lita was fourteen, she lost her parents in a terrible car accident. For two years she lived with her mother's much younger brother, but because her uncle was both childless and unmarried, she spent most of her time with Mina and I. I guess we found a bond with one another because we had both lost a parent, and because Lita was wise beyond her years, she became sort of a mom to us. When she petitioned the court for emancipation at sixteen, her uncle was all too happy to have his independence back. Since then, she has spent most of her time here, cooking for us when my dad was away. It was nice to see the tradition hadn't died out in my absence, and the addition of Amy was wonderful as well.
"So what are you going to do now, Serena?" Amy asked, taking a small sip of her cocoa.
I smiled wanly, and shook my head. "I don't know… Get back in school, try and graduate in time, and try to forget about him."
"That might be a little difficult," Mina said softly, and I shifted my gaze to where she sat on the floor. "I mean," she continued, "it's just that we're all still connected to all of his friends." She smiled shyly. "Malcolm calls me every night, and all of them plan on coming down next weekend to see us."
"So are you guys a definite thing now?" I wondered.
Mina shrugged. "There's no label, but I not dating anyone, and I don't plan on it… I'm sort of thinking of as an unspoken exclusive relationship."
"What about you girls?" I asked, turning my attention to Lita and Amy, who blushed.
"Pretty much the same situation," Lita replied. "We like them a lot, and they're definitely attentive--even with the distance."
There was a pause as I let it all sink in. I was happy for all of my friends, but I couldn't help but be a little envious as well. Their relationships had all taken off, and mine had failed miserably. Still, there wasn't any lies attached to their fledgling romances.
"Do you think they know about you?" Amy suddenly asked, and I raised my head.
"I don't know," I answered honestly, shrugging. "Jarod always knew, but both he and Darien were sworn to secrecy by the dean. Still, the rest of the guys will most likely ask a lot of questions, and I don't know how long the boys will be able to hold out."
The front door slamming tore my attention from the conversation, and I sat up just in time to see my father walk in, wrapped snuggly in his scarf and winter coat, his cheeks and nose red from the cold outside. In his hands were bags stuffed with groceries, and I smiled widely as I realized that for the first time in five years, he would be spending Thanksgiving with us instead of at the office.
"Hi Daddy!" Mina cried happily, getting to her feet to help him unload the grocery bags.
"Hey sweetheart," my dad returned, smiling gently. "Well," he began, "they didn't have much because it was so last minute, but I think I managed to get enough for Lita to work with," he said with a wink, and Lita laughed. "You staying too Amy? You're more than welcome…" My father assured her.
"Thanks for the invite Mr. Johnson," Amy replied graciously, "but I actually should be heading home now. I know my mom is going to need some help in the kitchen." She headed over the couch and picked up her coat and purse. "I'll see you guys a little later," she promised, and with a wave, she turned and headed out.
Once the door had closed behind her, my dad shifted his gaze to me, a wry smile pulling at his lips. "Is the prisoner too depressed to help me peel some potatoes?"
I chuckled and shook my head. "No, I'll help."
"Good, and because you were so gracious about it, I'll knock two years off your grounding sentence," he joked.
We all laughed, and I got up and began to wash the rough skin of the brown vegetables in front of me. It felt good to be with my family again, and I wondered how Darien and Raye felt about being so far from theirs. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't called Raye yet, and I resolved firmly to call her after dinner.
After we all had eaten and finished washing the dishes, Mina, Lita, and my dad all settled in the living room to watch a few movies my dad had rented while he was out. I, however, took this opportunity to call Raye, who I knew was spending the Thanksgiving holiday at Madison.
My heart was pounding hard in my chest as I dialed her cell number into my phone. Part of me wondered if Darien was with her right now, and that part of me was both terrified and thrilled at the thought… She answered on the second ring.
"Hello?"
"Raye?" I said softly. "It's me…"
"Serena!" She exclaimed in the phone, and I smiled. "Jarod! It's Serena! She got home okay! How are you doing? Is everything okay?" She wondered.
"I'm fine," I replied, chuckling at her enthusiasm. Part of me felt let down though, I had sort of hoped Darien would be with her. "I'm home now, just got done with dinner. Everything's been okay here so far, my dad freaked out on me on the way home, but now we've reached an understanding, and I think things are going to be all right. How about you? How are things up at Madison?"
"Okay… Jarod and I just got done with dinner at the cafeteria. The school put on a 'feast' and invited the girls to come along."
"Oh yeah?" I responded skeptically. "Any good?"
"It was awful," she replied, and I laughed. "But what else can you expect? They tried their best."
"How is everyone?" I wondered.
"Everyone is fine. Jarod's still annoying as ever," she paused to shout as Jarod gave her the playful pinch I had anticipated. "The rest of the guys are just as obnoxious. In fact, you missed me breaking up a food fight the boys started, consisting of both lumpy gravy and boxed mashed potatoes."
I wrinkled my nose, but laughed. "Glad I missed it." There was a brief pause as I struggled whether or not to delve into the information I really wanted, but I finally decided to go for broke. "How's Darien?"
I could hear Raye's hesitation on the other end, and my heart sank. "He's doing okay," she replied. "He was polite to Jarod and I this afternoon at dinner, but I think it was just because he doesn't want the guys asking questions about you," she paused, and sighed softly. "I don't really understand why though. They're going to ask questions eventually, but I think he's letting himself live in denial." She snickered. "He really is pissed at us though…"
"I'm so sorry," I apologized, tears filling my eyes. I struggled to suppress the sobs rising in my throat. "It's all my fault."
"He's just hurt, Serena," Raye explained soothingly. "I mean, put yourself in his position. You, his best friend, turn out to be someone he doesn't know, he finds out Jarod and I have known all along, and on top of that he's got to try and pretend you never existed."
"I know, and I'm so angry at myself for all of this! I really screwed up Raye," I sobbed. "I miss him so much, and I've ruined it all. He'll never forgive me, and the worse thing about it is I can't think of a reason why he should!" I sniffed, and reached up to wipe the tears that were now flowing freely from my eyes. "Maybe it would have been better if I had never come to Madison at all."
"Don't you say that," Raye warned angrily, and I stopped, surprised. "Don't you dare!" she repeated. "Although you coming here has caused more problems than you can handle right now, I'm so happy you did." She paused, as if to collect her thoughts. "Has it ever occurred to you where we all would be if you had never showed up? Darien would probably still be Beryl's play toy, Jarod and I would probably still be 'just friends,' and all of your girl friends back home would not have the happiness they have now because you would never have introduced them to the wonderful guys you came to be friends with at this school." She paused suddenly as if to collect her thoughts.
"Darien is just mad right now. He's angry because he was lied to, and he doesn't know what to do with all the emotions he has left. I'll tell you what, Serena… He wouldn't hate you as much as he does right now if he didn't love you so much," Raye promised.
"That doesn't even make sense!" I protested.
"Maybe not right now, but it will," Raye responded obstinately. "I know my brother, and I know he's just being stubborn. Deep down he loves you, I know he does."
I didn't reply and Raye took it as her cue to change the subject. "Listen," she said, her tone changing to something a little less commanding. "Jarod and I are coming down to visit you next weekend along with the rest of the guys. I think they're trying to make this a routine thing. What's your schedule like?"
"I don't know. I've got to get my old job back, and knowing my boss, he'll want me to start right away--especially if all his employees are going to want the day off so they can spend it with their boyfriends…" I rolled my eyes, and Raye laughed at the sardonic tone in my voice. "You're welcome to come in though, if you want."
"Will do," Raye answered. "Maybe I'll bring my brother along."
"I don't know if that's such a great idea…" I said honestly.
"I don't care. I'm going to ask him. I'm not giving up on you two, not ever," Raye promised. "You belong together."
I didn't say anything for a while. "I miss you, you know," I put in, finally.
"I miss you too," Raye replied. "Very much."
"I miss you too, Serena!" Came a distant shout from the phone, and I smiled at Jarod's voice.
"Give Jarod my love," I ordered softly. "And give yourself a big hug too"
Raye laughed. "Will do."
"See you next weekend?"
"You definitely will," Raye affirmed. "Hopefully I'll have my stupid brother with me."
"I won't hold my breath," I cracked.
"Happy Thanksgiving, Serena," Raye said suddenly.
I paused, but smiled. "Happy Thanksgiving," I replied.
"I'll see you next weekend."
"Okay."
"Bye," Raye said softly.
"Bye," I answered, and hit the "END" button.
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