A few days later, at my sister's insistence, I headed out into the world to experience the chaos of post-Thanksgiving shopping. Because our town was so small, we didn't have a mall, but we did have a main street filled with adorable little boutiques displaying signs promising all passersby at least a fifty-percent discount on all merchandise within. Consequently, people were everywhere, bustling about with their shopping bags in hand and their checkbooks and credit cards ready, seemingly oblivious to the snow falling rapidly around them. It seemed even the cold couldn't stop the "shop-till-you-drop" drive of Richmond's residents, and as Mina pulled into a parking spot, I began to catch some of the excitement.
Mina turned towards me, her eyes brimming with pleasure, and I had to smile. Her enthusiasm was contagious, and even though I hated to shop, her adoration for the task made me want to enjoy myself.
"You ready to buy a bunch of cute girly outfits?" she asked.
I nodded. "As ready as I'll ever be," I replied sardonically, but inside I knew today would probably be a lot of fun.
"All right!" Mina responded, clapping her hands together. "Let's go!"
I laughed, and reached for the door handle, immediately feeling the rush of cold air as I opened my door. I shivered, and pulled my fuzzy light pink scarf tighter around my neck as I stepped out of the car and into the frigid air outside. I grinned as snow began to pepper my hair, and as I stretched out my arms and lifted my face into the billowy whiteness, I felt my heart swell in my chest. This was perfect… this was what I loved.
I was suddenly reminded of that moment in the clearing with Darien. The moment I kissed him, how he had looked in the snow, and I felt a stab of pain at the memory. It really did hurt that I didn't have Darien… I really did want to share a day like this with him, playing and dancing in the snow. It seemed I never would, but I could always have this, year in and year out--for the rest of my life. Still, it couldn't stop me from wishing.
"Hey day dreamer, let's go," Mina broke in playfully, taking hold of my arm. "Today is a day for just you and me."
I smiled at her and proceeded to enter into one of the boutiques she was determined to visit. It felt strange to be in a women's store, but as I took in the cute tops, coats, and trousers around me, I began to feel more at home. It was fun watching Mina go from rack to rack, picking out her favorite colors, and pressing the garment up against herself to test the size before she actually tried it on. For my part, I scanned the clothing with my eyes, occasionally reaching out to touch the fabric around me. It was hard knowing where to start, but Mina suddenly approached me, holding up an adorable pink cashmere sweater.
"Try this," she commanded, placing it into my arms.
"All right," I answered.
After that, the choices came easy. Mina and I picked out a couple of winter appropriate outfits, and began scanning dresses for the Christmas parties we knew our father would be invited to.
"So… Winter Formal is coming up," Mina said suddenly, pulling up a lovely sparkly blue dress that matched her cornflower blue eyes.
"Yeah?" I answered absentmindedly, looking over a cute black number. I shook my head though, putting it back. It was a little too sexy for my dad's Christmas party. The last thing I needed were his office partners hitting on me after too much spiked eggnog.
"I was thinking of asking Malcolm to go with me," she said, pressing gently. I looked at her, mildly surprised.
"That could be fun," I answered, hardly fazed.
"I was thinking maybe you could think about asking Darien," she said nonchalantly.
I sighed. "Mina, don't okay?"
"Don't what?" she asked. "Don't want you to be happy?"
"Stop it, you're being melodramatic. I don't want to talk about Darien, okay?" I said seriously. "Not anymore."
Mina was silent, and I suddenly felt bad because I knew she was only trying to help. "Listen, I know I'm going to have to get used to the idea of possibly running into him. The guys are coming down this weekend, and I'm positive I'm going to have to come clean with them about what I did. Darien is really pissed at me, so much so that I don't think he'll ever get over it. I just want to stay away from him, forget about him. There's no use holding on to false hope."
"I just want you to be happy," she muttered dully.
"And I will be, someday. Just not with Darien." I sighed, frustrated. "You know, this isn't easy for me to say, to give up. But it has to be done." I bit my lip as tears filled my eyes. "Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore."
I turned around and headed for door, when it opened and a tall young man stepped through, stomping snow from his boots. He looked vaguely familiar, but I was in for the shock of my life as I brushed passed, and he smiled at me.
"Hey, Serena!"
I stopped and raised my eyes, then gasped, not quite believing it. "Allen?"
He grinned and nodded. "Wow, I haven't seen you forever!"
"Yeah, I know…" I said sheepishly, taking him in. "Wow, you look… different."
He laughed, and I felt my heart jump a little. Different was the understatement of the year. The tall, skinny geek with huge glasses, braces, and a pretty good crop of acne had been replaced with this broad shouldered, clear-skinned, handsome young man with a beautiful smile.
"Yeah. I've been hitting the gym, I got contacts, and my braces came off shortly after you left. You look different too," he pointed out, grinning.
I reached up and fingered my short hair shyly. "Yeah, remnants of my adventure," I said dryly.
"Yeah, I almost forgot about that. A story you'll probably have to fill me in on. It looks good though," he said, gesturing at my hair. "Short hair suits you."
"Yeah, well, don't get used to it," I said with a short laugh. "I'm not going to cut it again for a while."
"Hey, either way you look good," he said easily, and smiled again. Wow, he really had changed!
A brief silence ensued, and I interrupted it nervously. "What are you doing here anyway?" I asked. "I don't think this place has anything in your size," I joked.
He laughed, and a light blush stained his cheeks. "Naw, I'm shopping for my girlfriend actually. Her birthday's next week."
"Girlfriend! Wow!" I smiled. "Anyone I know?"
"Ann Jacobs, she's a year below us--"
"Yeah, I know," I interrupted. I smiled apologetically. "I used to run track with her--nice girl, very pretty."
"Yeah, I'm pretty crazy about her," he said softly, and I smiled.
"I never got a chance to thank you for all that you did for me," I put in.
"It was nothing," he answered honestly. "I hope everything worked out okay for you."
"It did," I lied.
I suddenly felt someone touch my wrist, and I turned to see Mina standing there looking contrite, carrying our shopping bags.
"Hey Allen," she spoke up.
"Hey," he replied, and then turned to me. "It was good to see you."
"Same here," I returned easily. "Say 'hi' to Ann for me."
"Will do," he promised with a small salute. "See you later."
"Bye," I said over my shoulder, and headed outside with Mina in tow.
I didn't have time to really think about my encounter with Allen before Mina was apologizing.
"I'm really sorry Serena, I shouldn't have pushed the issue."
"Mina, stop saying you're sorry. I'm not mad at you, I just want you to drop it. It's not the end of the world that I'm not with Darien okay? I'm sad, there are things I wish I could have said to him, ways I wanted to explain myself, but I have to come to terms with the fact I will probably never get a chance to say anything to him. Just let me deal with it in my own way okay? Please?" I asked. She looked about to protest, but finally nodded.
"All right," she gave in.
"All right," I conceded, and grabbed a couple of the shopping bags. "Now why don't we head over to Andrew's for some apple pie?"
Mina smiled and nodded. "Okay."
The next week passed with surprising speed. I managed to re-enroll in school, and I worked out a deal with my counselor that involved taking community college courses in addition to my regular classes. Because I mostly had to catch up in English and Math, I enrolled in a couple of six-week courses during the winter session. I began high school right away, but I wouldn't have to attend college until January.
Everyone was really happy to see me back at school. All my friends and teachers freaked over my new hairstyle, and my coach had already approached me about track in the spring. Andrew had re-hired me at the Comfort Café, so work and school were definitely keeping me busy. However, that didn't stop me from feeling nervous about the approaching weekend.
Thursday night, Raye called to inform me she and the boys were indeed coming down to visit. This was confirmed later on by Mina, who came bouncing into my room totally ecstatic that Mal was finally driving down to see her. Darien wasn't coming, which didn't surprise me, but there was no doubt in my mind I would have to face the rest of the guys… The thought absolutely turned my stomach. What was I going to say to all of them?
Friday started out like any other typical Friday: I went to school, came home, took a shower and got ready for my only night off, yet I couldn't seem to get rid of the heavy stone that had managed to settle itself at the pit of my stomach. Tonight the guys would be meeting all of my closest friends at the Comfort Café for dinner, and although Raye and Jarod would be there for emotional support, I was still terrified. I put down my brush and stared at my reflection in the mirror, noticing my hair had grown a couple of inches since I had arrived home a couple of weeks before. Thanks to my refusal to cut it before I left, it now reached the middle of my neck, and I had high hopes it would brush the tops of my shoulders by Christmas. I smiled and proceeded to part the front section to the side, tucking the blond strands behind my ears and swiftly securing them with a pair of pretty silver barrettes.
"Hey Serena!" Mina suddenly barged in, and I jumped from my position in front of my vanity. "Sorry," she apologized quickly, "I didn't mean to scare you. Lita just called, she's on her way with Ami to pick us up. You almost ready?"
"Yeah," I replied. "How do I look?"
She smiled and walked over, reaching out a hand to tug gently at the pink cashmere cardigan I was wearing. Underneath was a pale-yellow long-sleeved v-neck shirt layered over a snow-white camisole. Boot-cut dark-denim jeans, black leather boots, and my pendant completed my outfit, but even with my light-blue snow jacket, I still felt completely naked.
Mina seemed to sense my fear, and hugged me gently with the hopes of calming me down. "You look beautiful," she soothed. "Now just try to keep yourself together until the end of the night. Everything will be fine, I promise."
I sighed, hoping she was right, but I didn't have much time to think, because at that moment, Lita and Amy arrived ready to go. We headed out the door after a few nervous hellos, and completed the drive to the Comfort Café in silence. After we parked around back, we headed around the corner, and I was startled to see Mal's Navigator parked in front of the restaurant. Through the window I could see them all laughing and joking. They looked the same, and suddenly such a longing rose within me I had to choke back the sobs quickly rising in my throat.
"I can't do this," I whispered, but before I could turn and run, Mina took hold of my hand and pulled me through the door.
Amy and Lita were already at the table by the time Mina and I made our cautious approach. The closer I got, the heavier and heavier my feet seem to become. My gaze remained transfixed to the back of Mina's golden head, but when Nathan's laugh suddenly erupted from ahead, I started and nearly stopped completely. Mina's grip was firm, however, and her momentum forced me into center stage in front of the group. Conversation stopped as quickly as if there had been an "off" button. I smiled nervously, feeling panic seep into the pit of my stomach. I met Raye's eyes, and she smiled at me encouragingly, but all I felt was terror as I took in the confusion on the boys' faces.
"Ren?" Nathan asked, rising to his feet. He peered at me and suddenly laughed. "It is you! What the hell happened to you? And what are you wearing?"
"Serena," Jarod corrected, reaching out to settle Nathan back down.
"What?" Nathan asked, his bewilderment very evident.
"What's going on, Mina?" Mal suddenly piped up. He looked as if he had swallowed a bug.
"This is my sister, Mal. This is Serena," Mina explained softly.
"That's not Serena!" Nate protested. "That's Ren… with boobs!" he added, and Raye turned her head struggling to hold in her laughter.
"What the hell is going on here?" Mal repeated, rising to his feet.
I swallowed hard, and suddenly found my voice. "Sit down, Mal. I'll try to explain everything."
"You had better!" he ordered, his voice rising. "We were really worried when you disappeared!"
"I know," I assured him. "I can explain everything."
He sat down reluctantly, and Mina put a comforting hand on his arm. She quickly removed it, however, when he shot her an icy glare. I took a deep breath, and decided to start from the beginning.
"A few months ago, you all came into this restaurant, this very spot, and met a girl. Well, this girl in that short time managed to fall for one of your closest friends. With a little encouragement, she decided to risk everything to see him again. So… she put on a disguise, she went to his all-boy boarding school, and became one of his closest friends. This little experiment got a little complicated, however, because somewhere along the way, she fell in love with him. This only got worse because she also managed to fall in love with all his friends during her short stay there." I paused and felt tears fill my eyes. "You guys were some of the best friends I ever had," I continued. "Now that you're so close to all my friends from back home, I figured you all needed to hear the truth. Darien has turned his back on me, a fact I have come to accept, but I pray with all my heart you guys can find it in yourselves to forgive me. I'm sorry I lied to you all, I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but both Darien and Jarod were forbidden to tell you why Ren disappeared. There was no Ren, only a frightened girl playing dress-up, and I hope you all can forgive me for deceiving you."
I finished with a sigh, and reached up to wipe the tears that had managed to escape my eyelids. The table was silent before me, but I was too exhausted from my explanation to care.
"Well," Zach suddenly spoke, and I raised my eyes to see him smiling at me. "That explains a lot."
Tears of relief filled my eyes almost immediately. Suddenly I realized, with the boys at least, everything was going to be okay.
The rest of the night was filled with laughter as Jarod and Raye recounted our experiences at Homecoming, and as the guys fired questions at me about sticky situations I managed to get myself into. Mal was the only one who managed to stay quiet the entire time, however, and this was something that concerned me greatly. At midnight Andrew politely informed us that the restaurant was closing, and we began to disperse, giving me a chance to pull Mal aside. He followed me reluctantly outside.
We were quiet for a few moments, staring at the grown, when I suddenly grew weary of the tension.
"So spill," I commanded. "You were the only one not firing questions at me in there, and I know there are quite a few buzzing around in the head of yours."
Mal was quiet for a moment, and then raised his eyes to mine. "I know why you did it, I just don't know what we're all supposed to do now."
"What do you mean?" I wondered.
"We are dating your closest friends, we forgave you for everything you did, but now we have to go back home and pretend we don't know you in front of Darien," he shifted his foot and gave a stray pebble on the sidewalk a swift quick. I watched it clatter down the street.
"Why?" I asked, shifting my eyes back to Mal.
"Because Darien loves you," he stated simply.
My heart jumped at his words, but I squashed the feeling before it could warm me. "He hates me," I stated bitterly.
"Yeah, he does that too…" Mal agreed softly. "But only because he loves you," he added.
I raised my eyes with surprise. "That's what Raye said."
"Yeah, well, she would know," he said, chewing at his thumbnail. "It was pretty easy to see though. For a while a lot of us thought Darien was gay."
"What? How could Darien be gay?" I asked, incredulous.
"Because when you were Ren, he looked at you like Serena." I felt my mouth drop open and Mal grinned sardonically. "I think this scared him more than anything else," he continued, kicking another stray pebble halfway down the street. "Sure, he's totally pissed that you lied to him, but managing to make him love you as a boy was quite confusing for him. I heard him talk to 'Serena' every night on the phone when she would call him, but I also watched him look at you every day when you wore pants and a tie. He hates you for confusing him, and now that you've picked one guise over the other, he doesn't know what to do."
I was silent through all of this, but somewhere in the middle, I started to cry.
"It's going to be pretty hard trying to explain how you've managed to come back into the lives of all his closest friends."
"So should I have let myself disappear?" I wondered.
"Nope, you're doing the right thing," Mal said quietly. "Darien's just not going to like it. He's stubborn as all hell, he hates to be fooled, and he's been burned before. Three counts against you, but then again, love doesn't always follow the rules."
Mal stopped there because suddenly everyone was around us, saying their goodbyes. Mal gave me a tight hug, which I returned fiercely, and then proceeded to kiss the daylights out of Mina, while I hugged Raye and Jarod.
"I told you it would all work out," Raye said pointedly.
"Shut up," I ordered, and we both laughed.
The farewells took about five minutes, and although I was already missing them by the time their tail lights were mere pinpricks in the darkness ahead, I felt better. I may not have won Darien, but I still had the guys… at least on the weekends.
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