Corinne Bliss

1/18/2007

Cold, Old Building

The Truth Behind Evangelion

A 'Terribly Wrong' Production

ACT II

It had been a week since Cheripoptart attacked Tokyo-3. Shinji's body finally figured out that it, personally, hadn't been completely burnt to bits, much to the poor boy's relief. But unfortunately, this morning, he could feel another little burn in the back of his head, one of those nagging suspicions that screams, 'Look out, sucka, some bad motha is gonna getcha!' So when he crawled out of his box (he was still camped in the mailroom, quite close to the water cooler) he wasn't surprised to see Misato.

"Good morning, Shinji!"

"Whatever…"

"Did somebody wake up on the wrong side of the box? Aww. Here, I brought you the office's highly caffeinated coffee substitute, and it's still lukewarm, too!"

"Why is everything here a substitute for real foods?" He gingerly took the foam cup, staring in at the bubbling chemical, "Can't you guys afford –anything-?"

"Of course we can! But you have more money if you're thrifty. You forget the company is run by a bunch of men with kleptomaniacal tendencies." She laughed, "Speaking of which… I was wondering if you were getting tired of freeloading here. I overheard a conversation where they suggested charging you rent."

"I… I can't pay rent, they didn't give me –anything- for fighting that stupid Angel."

"Exactly. So! I have an offer for you. In exchange for your cleaning services, you can come stay at my place! There's a whole extra room I converted into a guest room for when I have parties."

"Uh… I don't know…"

"Oh come on, you'll love it! I'll let you bring girls over if you like."

"What?" Shinji nearly spat out the coffee substitute, "I'm not going to bring girls over!"

"Well, boys, if you prefer… love is love!"

"Shut up, it's not like that!"

"Are you going to take the offer or not?"

"Well…" Shinji thought for a moment. It was getting pretty annoying sleeping in a crate, for the bedding had gone flat and that annoying Corky kept trying to annex it. Plus, it might be nice to be in a place where real food could possibly exist. "I guess I could come."

"Great! You can come with me when I get off work!" Misato clapped her hands together, "We'll make a party of it!"

Somewhere deep within NERV, Corky was sliding down the halls silently. Peering around corners carefully, she slipped silently past a few doors, tiptoeing over the mottled carpet. "The bathroom has got to be around here somewhere… oh?"

She pressed her ear against the door, voices coming from within. "Looks like it's spy time!"

"You know… they'll figure it all out eventually." Lisel crossed her arms, leaning against the desk, "Because you never even –leave- it anymore."

"I don't care. As long as I still have it, nobody can do anything to me." Gendo smirked darkly.

"If you keep it too long, it could cause the destruction of the entire world! I gave you all the reports, which we carefully checked and rechecked- you can't deny that it will become a problem!"

"I don't need you people telling –me- what I can and can't do. I write your paychecks! I give you a place of employment! I also own your soul! Don't forget the contract you signed- we –laminated- it."

"Fine." Lisel sighed, "But when the time comes… you'll be responsible for whatever happens."

"Shut up and bake me a pie, bitch."

Corky quickly ducked behind a well-placed office plant as Lisel took off, probably not going to bake that pie. The Author smirked. "Oh yeah, Corky's finally got the dirt on this whole thing. Sounds like it's time to… crap, I gotta pee before I do anything! Bathroom, where ARE you??"

Later that evening, Misato and Shinji made it to the apartment. (No easy task, for apparently Misato learned driving the same way many abused children are taught how to swim, being tossed right into the middle of it all.) She unlocked the door, swinging it open wide, "Here we are, your new crib, baby!"

"There's trash everywhere!" Shinji wandered in, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of empty cans and wrappers lying about. He came to a dead halt, staring at the panties lying in the middle of the hall. "Oh Sweet Jesus, I have found HELL."

"Hey, that's not a nice thing to say!" As Misato walked past, she picked up the stray undergarments, "Your room is over here, and if you value a roof over your head when it rains, you'll stop complaining."

"It better be cleaner…" Shinji followed her, slowly sliding the door open. "…This is a CLOSET."

"But look! I put a –bed- in it!"

"That's a couple of boards with a blanket on it!"

"So?" Misato huffed, "I'll keep you out on the deck if you'd rather."

"…Sorry. I suppose I –do- like having a small place to myself…" Shinji tried his hardest to find a silver lining, "Plus it is kind of moody, I guess I can make do."

"Great! You can do whatever you want with it, put up posters, paint it, install things… you know. Oh, and while you're here… you can have whatever you want out of the fridge, I don't think it'd be hospitable if I let you starve."

"Oh, thanks! I am pretty hungry." He closed the closet and walked into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge. A great wall of beer in cans and bottles glowed within, and the only other object was a plastic-wrapped item that looked somewhat alive. "… okay…"

He looked up and spotted another fridge, shrugging and opening it. He came nearly face-to-face with the current inhabitant, who was sitting on a miniature chair that seemed to match the one Gendo always sat in.

"WAK."

"Misato!" He shrieked, "The frozen chicken has mutated into a sentient lifeform!"

"What? Oh, you must mean Penpen! He's not a chicken, he's a penguin. Do you want me to get out my bird book for you to see?"

"Why do you have a penguin in your fridge??"

"Where else am I going to keep him, the closet? That's where YOU live!"

Penpen glared upward with one of those 'close the damn door' looks. Shinji quietly obliged, feeling his worries were totally lost in this house owned by a lunatic. In a daze, he wandered into the living room and sat on a floor pillow. "What did I do to deserve this…?"

"Oh, Shinji…" Misato wandered into the living room, "I forgot to tell you. You'll have to go to school tomorrow. The police were wondering when they saw you wandering around at eleven at the NERV cafeteria."

"What? But I don't even have…"

"Don't worry, I got some stuff from my college days you can use –somewhere-… We'll make it a scavenger hunt. Whoever finds it gets to make the loser cook dinner!"

"We don't even have any food!"

"I'm sure we have something! And if you're worried about tomorrow, it'll be okay- you'll be in the same class as Rei. She'll help you get there and everything! Okay… ready… set… FIND THE SUPPLIES!"

Needless to say, Shinji lost, not able to get into the boxes as he was overcome by his fear of women's undergarments, strewn all over the tops. Dinner was prepared, a delicious, hearty meal of Cheez-wiz on stale crackers.

"Have a good day at school!"

"You better have bought food by the time I get back…" Shinji headed for the door, wearing a bright pink backpack with a bunch of daisies and hearts plastered on the back, "And please… buy me a normal backpack!"

"That one works just fine! Don't complain so much! See you later!"

He sighed and wandered his way to the street. Leaning against the wall was Rei, who, as soon as she glanced at him, began walking for the school building. There was an awkward silence that lingered for at least five minutes.

"Uhm… good morning, Rei."

"…"

"Well, uh, my first day!" Shinji laughed nervously, "You'll have to help me out, I don't have any clue about what's going to happen…"

"5R5LY?"

"Uh… seriously."

"n00b… 8u7 I'11 d0 i7 4nyw4y…"

"Thanks, I think!"

"\/\/h4t3vr."

Soon they reached the dismal school building, a sad, concrete built reminder that never once in your life are you free. The sullen students poured in, heading to their classes and waiting for the bell to ring by chatting aimlessly about the latest in Tamagotchi technology and what the new 'black' was. Shinji carefully followed Rei, winding down the halls and into a white, pasty, boring room.

"Gee, I wonder where I sit…"

"Oh!" A girl walked up to him, "Are you the new student?"

"Yeah."

"I'm the class president, Hikari!" She smiled brightly, "Let me show you your desk! It's right up at the front, right in front of the teacher's desk, where he can always glare at you and force you to answer difficult questions, and then scold you when you embarrass yourself."

"Er… gee… great…"

"Right here!" She waved at the desk, "It wobbles a little, and has been known to give people splinters, but I think it gives it charm."

"Then why don't you sit in it?"

"Because." Without any more explanation, she wandered off for her chair in the back, complete with padding and pillows. Hikari gave a cute little wave when Shinji looked back at her in dismay, but spoke no longer.

"Why do the bit characters get better things than me?" Shinji sat at his desk, "Yeow! Splinters!"

Eventually the bell rang, and the teacher strolled in. The old man slumped into his chair like a big slug, muttering a few curses under his breath, mostly about how he hated working with children. "Good morning…"

"Good morning!" Everyone chirped back obediently.

"Well today is a very special day," he grumbled, taking a swig of the dark-colored bottle on his desk, "Because we have a new student. Get up here and tell everyone your name, now."

Shinji headed up to the front and bowed respectfully, "I'm Shinji Ikari…"

"How sweet. Don't beat him up too badly, help him with things, and all that other crap." The teacher paused, glancing at Shinji, "Get back to your seat already."

"S… sorry!" He hurried and took his seat, finding that Hikari was speaking the truth as he was in glare-range.

"Okay, get out your computers and pull up whatever it was we were doing yesterday…"

"Ugh… at least I made it to lunch." Shinji sighed, taking a glance around at the cafeteria. He was unsure of where to go, for all the other students seemed already gathered up in groups. Then near the back, he spied Rei, and decided to try to sit with her. Halfway there, he was abducted.

"Hey, new kid!" The kidnapper dragged him over, tossing him into a chair, "Sit here!"

"E-er, okay…"

"Wow, we don't get many new students." The other occupant of the table blinked behind wide glasses, "It's so cool! You're Shinji, right?"

"Yeah…"

"My name is Toji!" The boy who initially grabbed him sat down in his chair, "I've got an overblown macho-man image because I have problems at home and like to project it on other people my age!"

"My name's Kensuke! I like to play by myself because I'm a socially rejected nerd that has an unhealthy obsession with war! I can tell you every specification about any military vehicle you mention, but I can't remember my own phone number!"

"Er… good to meet you…"

"You must be shy." Kensuke moved closer, "Do you play with yourself too?"

"Er…!"

"So where are you from, Shinji?"

"Uh… gee… out of town, I think. I got jumped on my way to the store by a bunch of members of the Yakuza… I've had a hard time remembering since they hit my head pretty hard. I… er… came in the mail just the other day."

"Wow! I totally told you, dude, the stork is completely out of business thanks to Fed-ex!" Toji suddenly slapped Kensuke's back, "I win again!"

"Stop it! I think you're going to displace my lung again!"

"So tell me…" Toji smirked, "I saw you come with that crazy Rei girl. Do you two, perhaps, work together? Partners in crime?"

"Sort of. We work at NERV…"

"You're a pilot then?!?" The two ganged up on him, forcing Shinji to sink in his chair.

"Y-yes?"

"Damn sweet!" They both cried, "Hey, think you could blow up the school?"

"I wish… eh heh…?"

"That's so cool!" Kensuke sighed, "I finally met someone in the military! Oh, I think this is love…"

"Dude, don't go homosexual on the new kid! Don't make me hurt you!"

"I'm sorry!" Kensuke let out a secret, happy sigh.

"I don't think it's part of the military… I mean… apparently the company works with Martha Stewart-"

"NERV works with SATAN?!?" The two ganged up on Shinji again.

"Martha Stewart is Satan??"

"You didn't know?!? It's so obvious!"

"…Now that you say that, yeah, it is." Shinji shuddered.

"Wow." Kensuke sighed again, "In the military with Satan…"

"Dude, cut it out!"

"Sorry!"

"Uhm… well… I think I'm going to go now…"

"But you didn't touch your lunch!" Toji gave him a suspicious glare, "Are… are you anorexic?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?? No! I eat stuff!" Shinji took a bite of the meatloaf, trying to hide his gagging as the cafeteria fare made his stomach turn, "See?"

"Good… Hey, you should stick with us, Shinji!"

"Why?"

"Because we always wanted a famous friend!" Kensuke grinned, "That means benefits for us, and a posse of admirers for you. It's win-win all the way!"

"And don't try to even think about saying no- I'll beat the shit out of you. Got it, buddy?" Toji glared.

"Uh, right! Right!" Shinji laughed uneasily, "Friends… forever…"

"Bye, new best buddy Shinji!" Toji and Kensuke waved as he started back for the apartments at the end of the day.

"Bye! … why do weirdos flock to me?" Shinji caught up with Rei, still unsure of the way back home, "Er, Hi, Rei!"

"…"

"Did you… have a good day at school?"

"$k3\/\/l i$ t3h l4m3r$..."

"Uh… huh."

Rei suddenly came to a halt, looking around.

"…Rei?"

"i7'$ c0/\/\i/\/g… 73h 4ng3l…"

The ground shook violently as alarms went off, and on the horizon rose a very bizarre, almost peanut-shaped shadow on three long legs with wide, round feet. The eyes lit up, as well as the suction-cup-like lips. It let out a terrible wail, which went up and down in pitch."Eeeewoooweee!"

"Oh sweet Jesus!!"

"w3 mu$7 g0 70 t3H ba$3."

The two ran with haste, making it there in an incredibly short time, not unlike most main characters in short stories. Before they knew it, they were standing outside NERV in their units. Like brave warriors, Brenda and the Pantymasher stood in the setting sunlight, posed for attack.

"The Angel iZee is in range. Please choose a weapon." One of the technicians mewed over the radio, "Though since most of our things are still in development and technically unsafe, the choice is limited."

"Uh, okay… let's see…" Shinji looked down at the weapons, "What the hell??"

"There's a choice of Trout, Herring, Salmon…"

"We're attacking it with giant fish??"

"Yes! Get out there and win for us!"

"Right…"

Fish were chosen- Trout for Brenda, and the Pantymasher taking up the Herring. The two units snuck around buildings, getting ready for a pincer attack on iZee. The iZee was stomping on cars and such but then paused, the ears slowly spinning.

"Be careful," Lisel warned, "It's trying to listen for you."

"Okay… ready, Rei?"

"y4 0K."

"Attack!"

The two leaped out, swinging their fish at the Angel. Though the slapping was brutal, iZee seemed to not react to the beating. Slowly it began drawing in energy, growing madder and madder, as its mouth lit up in anger.

"It's no use!"

"l00k 0u7, i7 i$ g0ing 2 a77ack."

It let out a strong blast- and the two units were knocked back into buildings. The two pilots shrieked as their ears began ringing with the attack.

"Commander!!" A technician shrieked, "It's attacking with Micheal Jackson's 'Thriller'! The pilots are trapped! What are we going to do??"

"…Send them the iPod attachment."

"But it's still in beta! And all it has on it is Aqua's 'Barbie Girl'!"

"Precisely. Sent it out. Now."

The massive iPod was sent up via elevator, popping out near Brenda. "Shinji! Grab the iPod and try to plug it into the Angel!"

"R-right!" Shinji managed to plug his ears, falling out of the range of the audio attack. He grabbed up the iPod, then waited until Rei also fell back. The iZee stopped attacking, slowly advancing on the city, heading for it's target: NERV. Shinji waited tensely until it came waddling past the building behind him. Brenda then leapt out and jammed the headphone cord into iZee's butt and turned it on. "Got it!"

The iZee suddenly wailed, the campy classic song blaring out of it. The eyes began wiggling in sheer agony, and, like a kernel of popcorn, the creature suddenly burst apart. Everyone cheered, pulling out champagne shortly afterwards.

"Good job!" Lisel shouted, "Come on back, we're all getting drunk!"

The next day, the local garbage men were busy throwing out chunks of iZee left on the sidewalk. Shinji woke up as Misato began shuffling around outside of his closet. Grumbling a little, he sat up and opened the door. "Hey, it's too early to be up…"

"Oh, no, we have to get up. We have to pick up the Third Child at the harbor!"

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, so get yourself up and ready, because it's going to be a busy day!"

"What about school?"

"Screw education, I didn't graduate high school and yet I got a great job at NERV, only by winking seductively at the recruiting officer!" Misato used that very wink on Shinji. "So don't worry, and let's get with it!"

After a quick breakfast, the two piled in the car- Misato brought Penpen with, putting him in the back in a baby seat. Shinji fumbled around with his ancient tape player, the only thing he actually owned since he found it himself in a trashcan three years ago. Playing some soothing music, he sat back and tried to forget Misato was driving in the wrong lane, praying to God he'd get to the harbor alive.

Luckily, they did make it, to the land of dead fish and a terrible cat infestation. After putting their penguin on a leash, the two headed off to where the ship was docked. Everyone aboard was still partying after their trip to an artificial tropical island, wearing leis and drinking alcoholic punch like it was going out of style.

"Okay, let's see… oh, here she comes now!"

A wave of terror rolled over Shinji as the girl came down the platform. Her red hair and butter-yellow dress gently flowed in the wind as she came down, ripping the lei around her neck off and tossing it aside. She stopped before Misato, Shinji, and Penpen, staring.

"Hello! You must be Asuka!"

"Oh, yes… That's me." She then stared at Shinji. "And this must be a gift for me."

"Er…"

"That's Shinji, the Second Child! Shinji, this is Asuka, the Third Child! You'll be working together from now on! Asuka is from Germany."

"Really?"

"Si, senor!" She hissed, "But don't you treat me like a tourist or I will KILL you."

"U-uh…. Glad to meet you too."

"Hey, where's your luggage?" Misato blinked.

"I got my sugar daddy all over that, senorita!"

"Who?" Misato gazed up, then shrieked as her heart went still. "No! Not… not…"

"Yo, ladies!" Kaji walked down, hauling suitcases, "Why, if it isn't my favorite plaything!"

"You! Why are you here?!?"

"Geez, I thought you'd be happy to see me, it's been a long time since we've been out together. Remember the last time? Throwing tomatoes at well-respected officials then accidentally falling off the mountain side while we were-"

"SHUT UP!" Misato yelped, "Give Asuka's suitcase to Shinji, and go away!"

"Yow, okay babe, whatever you like." He handed over the case as instructed, "Careful, there's a kidney in here."

"WHAT?"

"Just kidding. Hey, see you tomorrow at work!"

"WHAT?" Misato shouted, "You're going to work at NERV?!?"

"Yeah! We'll be spending tons of time together, just like the old days!"

"No… no, it can't be…"

"Ay caramba, I have no time for sob stories." Asuka marched off, "Bring me to my new home, pronto! Don't make me have to torture you two!"

Shinji hauled the suitcase, following behind, silently crying. "Why, God, why? Why are you making even more psychos follow me around?!? Don't I deserve a break at all? I feel like… like someone is toying with me…"

"…" Gendo sat in his chair in the dark, wrapped up in his fleece Carebear blanket. "Hmm… I feel a plot point coming."

"Ah HAH!" Corky suddenly burst in, "Now that I found the bathroom, I must inform you loudly that now I know! Everything… it all makes sense now! You have no chance to survive make your time! Hah hah, now get up!

"No."

"You're just a coward, using the powers that rightfully belong to us, the Angels! I, Author, 67th, will now kill you!" She whipped out a knife and lunged forward, "Die!"

Corky suddenly gasped as she fell slammed against an invisible barrier, sliding down to the floor. Before she could sit up, a gun was pointed directly at her face. A bead of sweat rolled down her face.

"Gotcha now, bitch!"

"Oh no!"

2 b C0n7inu3d…