1Corinne Bliss

1/18/2007

In Front of a Radiation-releasing Monitor

The Truth Behind Evangelion

A 'Terribly Wrong' Production

ACT III

"Ah, me gusta, me gusta, senorita!"

"Yeah, my apartment is where it's AT, baby!"

"Misato! Misato!" Shinji whimpered.

"What -is- it, Shinji??"

"Why did you bring Asuka here? WHERE is she going to stay?"

"The spare room, silly."

"My closet?? How... how is she going to fit?"

"We'll put in a bunk bed!" Misato dragged some boards in, "That's why I got these from the trash pile!"

"I get the top." She glared at Shinji, her eyes digging into his soul, "Or I'll kill you."

"You better not wet the bed at night." He glared back.

"Kids, kids!" Misato shoved the boards in place, crawling in with a hammer and fixing it into position, "Don't make me come back out there, you wouldn't like it if I had to..."

"How is she even going to climb up there?"

"You'll just have to help her like a gentleman! There. Let me get a blanket to toss in and maybe a pillow and you'll be set!"

"Muchas gracias, senorita!"Asuka smiled sweetly.

"Oh, of course! Give me a moment to find that stuff..." Misato walked off to dig through her pile of semi-clean laundry. Shinji and Asuka stared at each other in stiff silence, even when Misato came back and tossed the bedding onto the 'top bunk'. "There we are! Now, time for a beer!"

Misato walked off again. Asuka suddenly pointed a finger at her bags. "Por favor, ayudeme con mi equipaje."

"What?"

"I said get it up there. NOW!"

"Okay, okay!" He grabbed it and swung it up, pushing it onto the boards. "But.. There's just one thing... I have to ask you."

"Si?"

"If you're from Germany, why the hell are you speaking Spanish?!?"

"No se." She shrugged.

"Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"Buenas nochas! Oh, help me up there first, boy." She suddenly stepped on his back, producing several cracking noises. Asuka climbed onto her bunk and put her head on her pillow, and was suddenly asleep. She looked like an absolute darling. Shinji, after painfully crawling into his bed, closed the closet door and tried to get some sleep.

"BUENOS DIAS!"

"AAAH!" Shinji sat up so fast his head hit the boards above him. He fell back down in a daze. "Sweet Jesus... my head...!"

Asuka snickered, "It's time for school."

"Oh sure, shoot your prisoner!"

"Kids, kids!" Misato pulled the door open, letting the blinding morning light flood in, "Can't you at least -try- to behave?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, senorita Misato! I'll be good!"

"Aww! You should take Asuka for example, Shinji!"

"Grr..."

"Now get out of bed, it's breakfast! I got Poptarts!"

"AAAAAH!" Shinji uncontrollably screamed, "THE BURNING!"

"Whoops, I forgot..."

After Shinji calmed down and Asuka ate much more than her share of Poptarts, the two got their school things together (Shinji still stuck with his pink, daisy-and-heart covered backpack) and headed outside. Rei was waiting, and looked a little surprised when the two came out.

"Good morning, Rei."

"Buenos dias! Me llamo Asuka!"

"...\/\/04h. Wh3/\/ d1d sh3 g37 h3r3?"

"Just yesterday... She's... er... supposedly from Germany."

"I -AM- from Germany! Don't make me hurt you!"

"\/\/0\/\/. $h1nj1 i$, l3ik, pu$$y\/\/h1pp3d."

"Can we -please- just go to school?"

"Oh! No, no!" Asuka shook a finger, "We are not going to school today. We're going to play hooky, see? It's more important I know the layout of the town than it is I learn about math."

"I can't... can't skip school!"

"Oh yes you can. Don't make me-"

"Fine!"

"Dud3, l3ik... 0K. $ch00l I$ t3h l4m3rs 4/\/yw4y."

"Very much so! Okay, to the strip we go!"

"There -is- no strip here!"

"SHUT UP AND CARRY ME."

Shinji nearly collapsed under the sudden weight on his back, but somehow, knees buckling, he shuffled along with Rei following along beside. They made it just outside the local It's A Wonderful Noodle when Shinji's legs went on strike. He fell down, face first, onto the concrete under Asuka.

"Hey! What gives?"

"No... more..."

"What a weenie!"

"H4y. \/\/h47'$ th4t?" Rei pointed.

"Hum?" Asuka crawled off her ride and walked over. She peered into the dumpster, then gasped. A human arm was hanging out of it, covered in blood. "Ay caramba! A body!"

"A BODY?" Shinji got up and looked, "Open the lid, see if they're still alive!"

Asuka tossed the lid open and fell back as the 'body' stirred. Slowly, the bloody girl slipped out of the dumpster, landing on her head which had an impressive hole in the middle of it. Her eyes had gone completely blank, and she was drooling. It was none other than the Author, hastily having been tossed in there. Corky laughed weakly. "The pain it is funny like knowledge seeping out of my braaain."

"AAAH! How are you even still alive?!? It looks like you got shot in the head!"

"BRILLIANT, HOLMES. What will you deduct next?" Corky spat.

"I've never met a zombie before. Me llamo Asuka!"

"Ah, me llamo Corky, el Angel!"

"Y00r n07 4/\/ 4ng3l. J00 h4v3 n0 purp0$3 I/\/ t3h $70ry 47 4ll."

"Shut up!"

"Who did this to you?"Shinji knelt down, ignoring the voice in his head screaming 'it's a trap!'

"The... commander!" Corky coughed dramatically, "Your FATHER!"

"Dun dun!" Shinji shot back in recoil, shouting the dramatic tones, "Not... MY FATHER!"

"YES! YOUR FATHER!"

"Wow, your father shoots people in the head?!?" Asuka giggled, "Just like -my- papa!"

"Why did he do this?"

"I found out... found out about the... the CHAIR."

"Yes... that chair..." Martha Stewart thought, though not very hard, "Martha Stewart thinks there's something very suspicious about that chair..."

"I hear he never leaves it anymore!" One of the council members scoffed, "What do you think about it, Pudge?"

"Arr, it shivers me timbers!"

"I agree," another one nasally added, "It seems to give off a very evil aura. But we will have our answers soon, gentlemen. We did send in that spy... he'll bring us all the details! Plus we did plant the Author there too... I bet she has this all written down neatly for us! Hah hah!"

"Nobody wins but Martha Stewart and the K-mart Council!"

"Yeah!"

"But he might get suspicious."

"Arr, he just be a yellow-bellied land lubber! We'll clip his knees if he even makes one move. Arrgh!"

"Don't worry, gentlemen." Martha smiled darkly, "Justice will be delivered... in a beautiful box you can decorate yourself, though it'll look just like mine because you haven't the sense to be creative!"

"Martha, shut up."

"Come on, we have to get Corky to the hospital!"

"\/\/hy 80th3r?"

"Because, dammit, I have a good nature! It really gets irritating in situations like these." Shinji carefully grabbed one of Corky's arms and legs. "Someone get the other side, and someone hold her head up."

"Eew, bloody. I get the limbs." Asuka grabbed the other side.

"L4m3." Rei held Corky's head up, and the three began hobbling for the hospital. Again with the speed only characters in short stories can muster, they came through the doors, Rei running to the front desk. "J0, i7 I$ 4/\/ 3m3rg3ncy."

"What? Oh my god." The receptionist gasped, "We'll get her in right away!"

A team of men in white coats came out and tossed her on a stretcher, then skipped back into the ward, pushing her along while singing merrily. The others slowly took a seat in the waiting room, in a corner.

"That chair..." Shinji held his head, "I knew something was up with it..."

"Que?"

"When I was little..." Shinji shuddered, "When I was little, he got that chair as a birthday present from Mom..."

"Here, sweetie, try it out! I got it fixed for you!"

"...holy CRAP. This is totally sweet! It shapes itself around my ass!"

"I hope you like it! Happy birthday!" Yui planted a big kiss on Gendo.

"Where'd you get this thing fixed?? I tried everywhere!"

"I found the company on the internet!" She thought for a moment, "It said it had shipped back here from Antartica. But the place is entirely destroyed! How in the world could it have come from there? I mean, the cleaning company address was in Utah!"

"Who gives a damn. This is the most comfortable chair in the -universe-... and now it's fifteen times MORE comfortable."

Little Shinji looked up from his seat on the floor, busy coloring in a book filled with pictures of cats, dogs, and beheaded bunnies, "I want to sit in the chair!"

"You can't... you're too little. It might eat you." Gendo laughed.

"How silly! Chairs don't eat people!" Yui laughed, "Let me try!"

Gendo then peeled himself from it. He helped his wife gently into the chair. She let out a surprised gasp, then a soothed sigh. She grinned, "Wow, this really is a great chair!"

"Oh yeah."

"...Huh?" There was a slurping noise.

"...Are you making that noise, Shinji?"

"Nope."

"EEEEEEEK!" Yui suddenly shrieked as the chair began wriggling around her. Loud munching noises could be heard as she suddenly sank into it's dark cushions. She flailed her hands about, trying to grab ahold of something to drag herself out with.

"YUI!" Gendo tried to grab her, but the chair was too strong! He fell back, and she slipped away into it. The chair let out a loud burp. "WHY? WHY!?!"

"Mommy!!"

"...No fucking way. Chairs don't EAT people."

"It... it swallowed her whole! I remember everything!" Shinji wept, "Then he became so cold... and he gave me to my aunt and uncle..."

"L4m3. T3h ch41r I$ t3h $33d of 3vil..." Rei thought for a moment, "I h4v3 c0/\/\3 2 t3h 4$$u/\/\pti0n \/\/3 mu$7 i/\/v3$7ig4t3. 4f73r 411, i7 w4$ r3uph0l$t3r3d i/\/ 4n74r7ic4… 4pp4rent1y duri/\/g t3h $3c0nd I/\/\p4c70id…"

"Es verdad, es verdad…" Asuka nodded, "Something about it is just –too- suspicious, si?"

"But what can –we- do about it? Dad's packing heat!"

"$i/\/\pl3," Rei smirked. "\/\/hi13 h3 m4y b t3h 80$$, h3'$ $7i11 m4h 8i7ch, j0."

"Ah, me gusta! Let's go immediately!"

"But what about…?"

"C0rky i$ t3h l4/\/\3r$."

"Yeah, screw her! C'mon, Shinji!" Asuka grabbed him and Rei, then ran out of the hospital ward with reckless abandon. She burst in the front doors, then paused to flash an ID at the receptionist. "Hola amigo! Me llamo Asuka!"

"Oh, the Third Child!" The receptionist smiled, "Just in time, too!"

"Que?"

"An Angel is scheduled to attack in three minutes!"

"Well shit…" Shinji grumbled, "Wait… they're… scheduled…?"

"I think you should go get ready."

"Okay! Muchas gracias!"

"Of course!"

"Sir, the Angel is approaching. It will be on the screen in five seconds."

"I see…" Gendo glared forward through his ray-band sunglasses at the screen.

It flashed on, and everyone hesitated, squinting. There was a long pause as apparently nothing appeared on the screen. The awkward silence could have been cut with a knife and served on a tray. One of the technicians, unable to stand it longer, let out a soft 'Er…'

"…Try magnifying it."

"Yes, sir!" The technician hit the magnifying icon in the corner of the screen. "Oh, there it is!"

A little gumdrop-sized, bump-covered ball was slowly rolling through the grass, but it was very slowly picking up loose blades and gravel. Very quickly, it grew and grew, picking up stray bottles and other bits of trash, then it managed to nab a sparrow. Everyone gasped, "It's getting bigger!"

"The Angel Katamari… it's bad shit." Gendo grumbled. "Launch every EVA."

"Launching now!"

The three units- Brenda, the Pantymasher, and now the German-made Enema stood, facing the growing Angel. Shinji was silently grumbling to himself, stewing in the highly oxygenated Tang.

"Okay kids," Misato called over the radio, "Whatever you do, don't let it touch you. Apparently it's stickier than cheese fried on a good plate."

"If we can't touch it, senorita, are we going to be given weapons?"

"Oh sure, what the hell."

"Oh boy!"

A truck slowly rolled over, the people within hopping out and pulling the tarp off the back. Metal gleamed in the sunlight, sharp ends waiting to be poked into soft spots. Enema hurried over and began digging through the cornucopia. Asuka smiled brightly as her unit picked up a pair of orange scissors. "Ah hah! Me gusta, si! Gonna kill an Angel with oversized desk accessories."

"Hey, Asuka, wait!" Shinji yelled as Asuka tore off with them, "You fool, don't run with scissors!!"

The Angel kept growing in size, apparently noticing Enema as it came charging forward. It changed course and began rolling away, now picking up park benches and trash cans. Asuka chased after and let out a shout, preparing to jab the scissors in. But suddenly, the Angel slammed against a wall, freeing a tree from its grasp, which fell on the street behind it. Before it could stop, Enema tipped over the tree and fell forward.

"OH SHIT!" Asuka screamed. There was a loud 'splurt' as her Unit was impaled, through the head, on the scissors.

"ASUKA, YOU FOOL! Why? Why!?!" Shinji cried.

"Sir! The Third Child has been injured and displayed an incredible lack of foresight!"

"Shinji, Rei! Grab a weapon and attack already!"

"0K, 1 pw/\/ t3h 4/\/g3l." Rei fished around in the truck and pulled out a large pencil sharpener, the kind with a long barrel. "0H y34h."

"Er…" Shinji dug around, and pulled out… "…A paperclip. Oh boy. Wait, why is everything… oh, I get it, it's an oversized desk set."

"Look out, it's coming for you!"

The Angel, Katamari, had rolled up Enema and started charging at the other two. Asuka could be heard crying over the intercom as it thundered down the street. Rei leapt out and thrust the pencil sharpener at Katamari, catching it on one end. "0H fux, 17$ 700 8lu/\/7."

"I'll pop it!" Shinji made Brenda throw the paperclip (after carefully unfolding it) at Katamari. The sharp end slipped in between the other crap, hitting the inside. However, the Angel seemed ineffective. "It's not hurt!"

"Sir, it has no weakness!"

"Hm. Wait." Gendo squinted. "Magnify it again."

"Why??"

"DO IT."

The technician shrugged, hitting the button. Everyone stared in silence, squinting hard. Then they all gasped in unison. "That's not the actual body!"

"What??" Shinji squinted, unable to see anything from high up, "Where –is- the real body?"

Brenda ran around it in a circle, searching for the real body. Her thunderous foot suddenly came down, heel first, producing a faint little 'crunch'. The junk ball suddenly fell apart, slowly rolling down the street and dropping into a storm drain. Shinji blinked, "Oh man, I stepped in something."

"Yay!" Everyone cheered, breaking out the Mr. Bubble. "Bath party!"

"c001… y0u $73pp3d 0/\/ i7."

"I guess that's one way to do it… Oh, Asuka!"

The children found themselves at the hospital again, waiting until a nurse led them into a stuffy, bland room with the evening sunlight calmly flowing in from a window. Shinji slowly walked up to the bed.

"…This isn't Asuka."

"Oh, whoops, wrong bed. This one." The nurse pointed.

Shinji walked away from the old man and headed for Asuka's bed, slowly taking a hold of the guardrails. Rei silently stood near the door to the room, blowing bubblegum bubbles that precariously grew larger and larger, but were always sucked back in before they caused a critical explosion.

"Asuka?"

"My head…"

"You should have listened! You don't run with scissors!"

"No importa. You killed it anyway. I'm useless!"

"How can you say that, this is the only Angel you've fought here!"

"Shinji, you don't understand! While my papa may have taught me to be a gangster like the rest of the family, I'm just a decoy! I was taken from my home and sent here to help someone else gather information. I have no idea how to use an EVA, it just looked so cool and…" Asuka started sobbing, "Disculpe!"

"Wait, a decoy?? …That man, Kaji, on the boat! Is… is he a spy?"

"Si, senor!"

"$hi/\/ji." Rei popped her gum bubble, "h3 /\/\u$7 83 l00king 4 t3h ch4ir."

"We've got to warn him, he'll get shot!"

"Oh, senor, don't leave me!" Asuka suddenly grabbed him by the shirt collar, then breathlessly whispered, "No puedo vivir sin ti."

"Er, what?"

"Te queiro con toda mi alma! Me… Me quires?"

"…Uh…"

"dud3."

"Te casaras conmigo?!? Oh, por favor! Si, si??"

"Er…" Shinji blinked. "I…guess…? I don't know what you-"

Shinji squealed as he was suddenly leapt upon, and started shrieking as Asuka planted her lips on his and began running her hands up and down his soft little body. Despite his efforts to push her off, and trying to call to Rei for help, Shinji was completely overpowered.

"\/\/04H. 7hi$ i$ $\/\/337."

"Excuse me, folks!" A boy walked into the room, wearing an outfit that looked like it was stolen from Shinji's closet, "Oh my. Am I… interrupting something?"

"HELP ME!" Shinji screamed in between passionate kisses.

"Hey, the poor thing can't breathe!" The boy peeled Asuka off of Shinji and held her up, "Be a little more gentle."

"Hey!" Asuka wriggled in anger, "Who are you and where do you get off taking me away from my new fiancé?!?"

"My name is… Kaworu. Very glad to meet you."

2 8 c0n7inu3d…

"HEY!"

"…What?" Corky looked up from typing furiously.

"What's the big idea?!?"

"What do you mean, Gendo?"

"You said this was a three-act story. What's this '2 8 c0n7inu3d' shit, motha fucka?"

"There is only three parts! Promise with all my heart. It's just time for… Part III and a half! Muahahahah!"