WOOT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE OUT THERE, WHETHER IT BE HANUKAH OR CHRISTMAS OR KWANZA OR WINTER SOLSTICE, OR WHATEVER! YOU ALL GET…CHOCOLATLY GOODNESS! (Throws chocolate in everyone's faces).
Now I'm sure you're all wondering why I seemed to drop off the face of the Earth for about tow weeks. Well, interesting story. You see, just before the holidays, like, two days before actually, my grandma broke her leg. And since I had the vacation I was whisked away to a magical land called 'Upstate', to a domain where the gas is cheap and the beer is cheaper. However, in consequence, this magical was technologically inferior to home, considering I didn't have access to a pencil sharpener, much less a home computer. So my vacation was spent cooking, cleaning, and of course, playing new games I got for Christmas. So I'm sorry if I gave any of you a scare. I'd never drop out of a half done story. That's just tacky.
By the way, I watched the anime 'Slayers' for the first time, and it was hilarious ! Is it just me, or does Lena have the same voice actor as Serenity? Weird…
Chapter Fifteen
SENIORS AND PIZZA ROLLS DON'T MIX
In which we encounter…THE CHIBI GAS!
"Ow…dangit…" said Marik, suddenly pulling himself up, from the bottom of a pink, fuzzy plush cage, feeling the feeble light falling down from the house lights of the house lights of the ancient, underground auditorium. "What the…what's going on?"
"Quiet girl," said a fan girl behind him, chucking a pencil at the back of his head. "So you dare try to steal away Seto Kaiba's heart from us, the group of two hundred women who DESERVE him?"
"What the heck are you baka women talking about?" asked Marik.
"Shut yer face," said another fangirl, also chucking a pencil at him. "I know we don't appear outwardly threatening, what with our plushie cages and all, but that's just because the other ones are in the shop! Plush these match the interior!"
"Okay, why would I want steal the heart of a guy?" said Marik. "I AM a guy. And plus if this Kaiba or whatever is falling for men instead of two hundred women, I really think you relationship…s are doomed to fail."
"ZIP IT!" said another. "And what do you mean you aren't a girl? You are too a girl, so shut up and stop making pathetic excuses!"
"I-AM-NOT-A-GIRL!" yelled Marik.
"Then why do you have bleach blonde hair, are wearing earrings, and wearing a girl's uniform?" asked one of the fangirls.
"IT'S NOT BLEACHED!" yelled Marik, to have yet another pencil thrown at him.
"Stop this," said one fan girl, walking toward him with a night stick. "I think it's about time we start to question her…"
---ooo---
All was quiet in one particular hallway of the school. It always was quiet at this time of day. So painfully quiet, that you could almost hear the distant shriek of a person, and the faint music of 'Rock Lobster'. However, in merely a minute the whole halway would be thrown into chaos.
BRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
The school bell sounded in the classrooms, and for a moment or two, all was silent. However, slowly, at the distance at first, then growing in volume bit by bit, you could hear it. The pounding beat of the feet of a thousand teens, their hearts suddenly on fire, their humanly instincts and compassion abandoned, pursuing the most carnal of school events. And today…it was going to be worse.
It was…lunch…
But not just any lunch. Just as for every dynasty, there is a mighty treasure that must be protected from the hands of vagrants and thieves, Domino High School has a crowing jewel that unites the rich and the poor, the brave and the cowardly, the men and the women, the old and the young, and of whom all flock to, adore, and will protect with their flimsy, insignificant lives if necessary.
Pizza rolls.
But not just any pizza rolls. These were the thickest, the cheesiest, the most tender pizza rolls that no man has ever tasted before. You either have to be mad, stupid, or have no taste buds whatsoever to ignore this tasty treat. Even the lactose intolerant kids linded up, not caring if they went into respiratory arrest after eating these precious gems.
So of course, the line that was serving the Pizza Rolls went down five classrooms and up the stair, and the line for soups, sandwiches, salads, etc. was occupied by people who were mad, stupid, had no taste buds whatsoever, and so on.
"WOW JOEY!" said Yugi at the top of his lungs. "Isn't this awesome? By some slim chance we managed to make it to the beginning of the line before everyone else!"
"Pizza rolls…" said Joey, who's saliva was already dripping in great waterfalls at the corners of his mouth, just thinking of taking in eighteen thousand calories worth of food.
"I'm just worried," said Tea, of who she and Tristan were just behind Yugi and Joey. "Have you ever wondered why we never make it this close to the beginning of the line?"
"Wait…hang on…the consequence of getting spots this good are slowly starting to hit me…" said Tristan, pondering to himself. "Okay, hang on, just one more minute, and I swear I'll get it…coming…still coming…"
"HEY SOPHMORE WEENIES!" yelled a bunch of huge, hulking senior boys, each at a minimum of six foot one, weighing at least two hundred pounds each, containing a combined IQ rivaling that as most cleaning utensils, and all wearing football jerseys. "Get out of our spots!"
"Still coming…hang on…" said Tristan.
"We got these spots fair and square! Go wait in the line like everyone else!" said Tea.
"Yeah! Or I'll tear you apart limb from limb all by myself!" said Yugi sweetly.
Silence.
Followed by ten seconds of raucous laughter.
"Warmer…I'm getting warmer…" said Tristan to himself.
"Look dweeb," said the biggest, brawniest, stupidest member of the seniors. "We are seniors. You are wussy sophomores.
"So?" asked Joey.
"My God, it's so close I can touch it…" said Tristan.
"Look, here's how the divine cycle of high school works," said the idiot senior. "We, being bigger, older, and having less brain cells than you are going to graduate this year, so were having our last hurrahs before we move on and become the bottom of the food chain again at college or at the local convenience store slash gas station. Then, when you grow up, your brain cells disintegrate from one too many beer parties, and you're huge, you beat on the sophomores, who then become sad and retain emotion trauma, and then when they become seniors, they beat up on the sophomores, and the cycle continues. Got it?"
"Huh?" said Joey, his concentration fixed solely on the pizza rolls.
"Almost…got it…" said Tristan.
"Will you be my friend?" asked Yugi.
That all girl college my Mom brought up is sounding very appealing right now thought Tea.
"Okay, let's put this in terms you can understand…" said the head senior.
---ooo---
"Wow, this makes it the third time we've been shoved in the janitor's closet this week!" said Joey.
"AAAH! DARK!" cried Yugi.
"Got it! Seniors always want first spot!" said Tristan.
"That came about five hundred words too late Tristan…" said Tea.
"Don't worry! Kaiba will save us!" said Yugi. "HEY! KAIBA! CAN YOU HEAR US? WE GOT LOCKED IN THE JANITOR'S CLOSET AGAIN! KAIBA! WOO-HOO! KAIBA!"
Seto completely ignored the fact that it sounded like the nerd parade had gotten themselves locked in the janitor's closet again. He was concentrating on better things, like the fact that he was smart enough to stay in the middle of the line and wait his turn, not to mention deeply hoping for a certain someone to come, who was, in fact, coming.
"YAY! LUNCH!" yelled Bianca at the top of her lungs, bounding down the hallway full speed in her usual odd-looking skip down the hallways. Seto felt his heart skip a beat, and a blissfully weird smile that most weirdoes get when their sickeningly in love. However-
"BIANCA!" screamed Tish angrily, walking out from around a corner, and grabbing her by the back of her collar. "Where the heck were you? I was looking for you everywhere! I see that you did an excellent job of stopping the virus!"
"HI TISH!" yelled Bianca stupidly.
"You know what? You scare me," said Tish. "Guh, there's no time for lunch, we've got to stop this madness before anything gets more out of control…"
"Um…um…hi…Bi…anca…" said Seto pathetically from the sidelines, waving pathetically, and overall looking pathetic.
"HEY! IT'S THE KOREAN KID!" said Bianca.
"The Korean Kid?" asked Tish.
"Yeah…hi…uh…if you…uh…you can get in front…of…me…" said Seto weakly.
"YAY!" said Bianca.
"You," said Tish, yanking her back just before she charged foreword, causing her to gag rather painfully at having the front of her collar contact so sharply with her trachea. "Go blow up something."
"OKAY!" Bianca said dimly, ripping out a plasma cannon, wondering if there were still some vending machines that could be blown up. Tish just stared as Seto, who was staring there, beat red, not sure exactly if it would be to pushy to call Bianca back, and having his mind reel over what he'd say if he did.
Weirdo, Tish thought, walking off.
---ooo---
"Okay, I am saying this right now, no," said Asuka.
"Look, if you want to be my younger sibling, you have to do it," said Ryou.
"I AM NOT GOING TO WALK ACROSS A TIGHT ROPE TIED TO THE FLAG POLE AND THE TELPHONE POLE WEARING THE BACK HALF OF A HORSE COSTUME AND BALANCING A BUCKET OF WATER ON MY HEAD SINGING 'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'!" yelled Asuka, looking at the course spread in front of her on the school track between to telephone poles that she needed to complete.
"Baby," said Ryou.
"Your family is full of sadists Ryou," said Asuka. "No wonder why Shou always insisted that we killer bee proof the entire HQ facility, and we all walk around with bullet proof vests 'just to be safe'."
"Again, baby," said Ryou. "And for your information, being a member of a family of sadists has it's benefits. By rigorous physical training, I am ready and willing for any form of misfortune to happen to me, anytime, anywhere, and how to avoid it perfectly."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!
That's when Ryou got crushed by a giant anchor that fell out of nowhere, before he even got another chance to move.
"I'd laugh, but that would be cruel," said Asuka.
"Oh, you better watch out down there," said a head belonging to the freaky Goth Chick from Chapter Six. "I always polish my anchors on the roof. It's not really safe to stand down their in case one of them falls down."
"Your just a skoonch too late," said Asuka.
"Ow…" said Ryou.
"Oh, you must be Asuka Tenjoin and Ryou Marufuji or something like that," said the Goth Chick, nimbly leaping off the roof, and with a cool spiral in mid-air, landing perfectly on her feet three stories below. "I hope you've figured out how to use my Happy Chorus."
"Uh no, come to think of it, we don't even know where it is," said Asuka.
"Shame," said the Goth Chick. "They contain the secret on how to stop the demon before she's resurrected, or after if you were too stupid not to figure out how to prevent it when you were supposed to figure it out."
"It's nice to meet you too," said Asuka dryly.
"…that hurt…" said Ryou.
"Anyway, I need to pass on some very important information to you," said the Goth Chick. "An increased amount of fangirl activity has been detected around the school, sparking a witch hunt of sorts to capture every single girl in the school and force them into submission so that they may be question and have all matters of information beaten out of them by force. So far their only targeting girls who don't show up on identification, but they may start taking every girl in school under hostage if this doesn't stop."
"They seem a little obsessive," said Asuka.
"…really hurt…" said Ryou.
"They're fangirls, it's their nature," said the Goth Chick. "I request that before you continue you exploits you stop this before things get out of control."
"That may be a little hard, considering we're already wholly preoccupied with stopping hit dubbers, hunting down the source of ultimate evil, and stop Shou and Fubuki from killing themselves," said Asuka.
"I don't think that goes there…" said Ryou.
"I assure you, left unchecked, this could be a huge disaster," said the Goth Chick. "Never underestimate the forces of mass hysteria. These fangirls have already launched operatives throughout the school. You have to stop them, and now."
KACHACK!
Just as Ryou managed to shove the half ton anchor out of his diaphragm, all three heard the familiar click of a gun hammer getting in position to fire. Asuka turned instinctively to see what was behind them, and dressed in black jeans, a black turtleneck, a black pair of combats, and a black face mask that made her look like a ninja was Ebony Crow, holding what appeared to be some sort of ray-gun.
"Seems like you're the only three whose noticed," said Ebony Crow. "That's good. I will enjoy destroying the first spy."
"You realized that you and your army are being unreasonable beyond belief, correct?" said the Goth Girl.
"What our society does and doesn't do is none of your concern," said Ebony Crow coldly, still pointing the gun at all three of them.
"Oh jeez, that's going to need an Icy Hot patch," said Ryou, getting up and cracking his spine.
"It becomes our concern when you take girls into custody and do cruel, unusual things to them in a fit of deranged, fanatical rage," said Asuka.
"You would never understand…none of you would," said Ebony Crow. "Let me put it this way. If it becomes your concern, then I'll make sure to unmake it your concern."
"You realize we can't let you do this," said Asuka.
"Unless you kill us of course," said Ryou.
"Shut up Ryou," said Asuka.
"I know," said Black Crow, aiming, "I know."
BAM!
With that, she fired her beam, completely severing one of the telephone poles from it's base, dragging down the other one along with it, collapsing the various number of things, which good ol' Ryou made sure were extra, extra heavy, on top of the three, completely knocking out the Goth Girl and Ryou, and slamming Asuka hard to, only leaving her a few minutes of consciousness.
"Wh…Why…" said Asuka, with her last capable breaths.
"It's better if you just stayed out of this," said Black Crow, pulling out a grenade and ripping out the pin, releasing a spray of gas as she tossed it in front of Asuka, who coughed and sputtered on inhalation. "I never wanted to do this to you…"
With that, she turned away, leaving Asuka to pass out on the grounds.
---ooo---
"For the last time, stop hugging me," said Ka'aewu, now in bunny form, as Seta and Azusa walked down the hall to the lunch room. "Your touch still burns my hyde. Stop hugging me."
"I wuv you cutsy bunny!" said Seta, giving Ka'aewu a bigger huge.
"YOU'RE A SICK AND REPULSIVE WOMAN!" said Ka'aewu angrily. "MY GOD I HATE YOU!"
"Fwiend…" said Seta, hugging him even more.
"Seta-Oneesan, I don't think Ka'aewu-san likes being hugged," said Azusa.
"NONESENCE!" said Seta. "Everyone loves hugs!"
"Excuse me," said a nameless high school student with only two lines, this being the funniest of them. "Are you the horrible deamon of ultimate pain and destruction that threatens to ravage the entire universe?"
"YUPPERS! That's me!" said Seta.
"Someone named Asuka asked me to give this to you," said the nameless high school student with only two lines, the funniest one being the previous, shoving a piece of paper in Seta's face, which she picked up with one hand, holding Ka'aewu the forest whisperer bunny in the other.
"What does it say Nee-san?" asked Azusa sweetly as Seta opened up the letter with one hand, reading it.
BEAST OF CHAOS,
YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS HERE. I HAVE COME TO DEFEAT YOU AND STOP YOU BEFORE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO ENACT YOUR SICK AND TWISTED PLANS. IF BLOOD TRULY RUNS THROUGH YOUR VEINS, AND YOU ARE WILLING TO GAMBLE IT, THEN GO TO THE ROOF TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE END OF THE PERIOD TO DO BATTLE. FAIR WARNING, ONE OF US SHALL DIE AT THE OTHER'S HANDS.
Cheers,
Asuka
"BEST FRIEND MEETING AT THE END OF THE PERIOD! YAY!" said Seta, eagerly jumping up and down, also shaking Ka'aewu violently, which really ticked him off.
"Seta-nee, I think you should stop jumping," said Azusa.
"STOP BOUNCING ME AROUND, OR I'LL BITE YOU WENCH!" yelled Ka'aewu.
"Huh, I wonder what 'gamble my blood' means!" said Seta. "OH WELL! NEW BEST FRIENDS! NEW BEST FRIENDS!
---ooo---
"So how long do you think it'll take for the magic to wear off?" asked Alister to Valon and Raffy, Valon still woefully unaware that he was a girl, and that guys in the hallway were all staring at his now dynamite figure.
"Zigfried said until about the end of the day," said Raffy. "Which is a shame, I think Valon would make a very nice girl."
"OI'M GOING TO ASK THAT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON A DATE!" said Valon at the top of his lungs, causing several people who were drooling at him/her to suddenly look at him/her in bug-eyed surprise.
"Not that freaky chick that looks like Kaiba, right? And not as a girl, right?" asked Raffy.
"You ask her out, and I'll beat you sensible you stupid Auzie," said Alister evilly. "I don't care how stupid you are, you're not dating anyone that half-way REMINDS me of IT!"
"You refer to Kaiba as an 'it'?" asked Raffy.
"SO WHAT IF I DO?" asked Alister.
"You're more nuts than I thought you were…" said Raffy. "In f-hey, where's Valon?"
They both turned around to where Valon once stood, but he had completely disappeared.
---ooo---
Meanwhile in Domino Cafeteria, no one seemed to notice that a huge tent was erected in the center of it made of trench-coats, and that under it was a sad little CEO who was jabbering like mad to his plushie Blue Eyes White Dragon.
"-and then she ran off before I got a chance to ask her if she wanted to sit next to me at lunch to eat," said Seto. "What the heck am I going to do? I can't just go up and ask her now!"
"Wait, back up," said Snuggles. "Yeh actually eat?"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Seto. "But now I don't have the guts to go ask her if she wants to, because her friend or whatever told her to go blow up something, and so if I interrupt her it would be rude, but if I don't lunch will be over, I'll never get to talk to her, and I'll die all alone!"
"So yeh do eat?" asked Snuggles.
"SHUT UP I SAID!" yelled Seto. "What the heck am I going to do?"
"What yeh need mah boy is a wingman," said Snuggles.
"A what?" asked Seto.
"Wingman," said Snuggles, pulling out a dictionary. "A charismatic person who's purpose is to introduce single people to other singles who seem fit for each other."
"WHO THE HECK DO I KNOW WHO'D DO THAT?" said Seto. "Oh no…no way…you aren't suggesting…"
---ooo---
"Joey…uh…I think we're running out of air," said Yugi.
"There'd be a lot more if Tea shut up about us being a bunch of idiots!" yelled Joey angrily.
"Shut up idiot," said Tea, somehow gaining enough elbow room to smack Joey in the back of the head.
SLAM!
All four fell with sudden shock at getting enough room to actually spread out a little bit, so they all fell on top of each other, and all at the feet of Seto, who looked thoroughly ruffled.
"I TOLD YOU HE'D SAVE US!" said Yugi cheerfully.
"I need one of you losers to be my wingman!" said Seto.
"WHAT?" yelled everyone at the top of their longs.
"Okay, there's this girl okay," said Seto "and I have this crush on her, and I need one of you to go up to her and introduce me because-"
He stopped in mid sentence.
"Wait…what the frick am I doing!" he said to himself in horror. "NO! I REFUSE TO STOOP THIS LOW! IF I'M GOING TO DO THIS, I'M DOING IT MY WAY BEEP IT! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? NONE OF YOU! NONE OF YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"
With that, Seto turned around and walked away in a huff, muttereing darkly to himself, and while not many of the gan could catch his exact words, it had something to do with ripping the head of a plushie dragon.
Silence.
"Okay…what?" said Yugi.
"PIZZA ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLS!" screamed Joey, running off to get a good spot in line, causing him to get pummeled by the freshmen.
---ooo---
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"
Ryou stood up in horror, suddenly snapping out of unconsciousness at ten thousand miles per hour hearing Asuka's frantic screams of terror.
"What? What happened?" Ryou asked, taking himself aback in shock at the fact that now his voice was a couple octives higher than it should be. He shook it away. It might have just been laryngitis.
"I…we…we…" stammered Asuka, her voice higher too.
"We what?" asked Ryo, still shocked that his voice was so darn high.
"WE SHWUNK!" screamed Asuka in horror, suddenly popping out from behind a telephone pole, her clothes much baggier than the were before, here eyes now twice their size, and now having the stature of someone who was about five years old.
"GOOD GOD!" yelled Ryou, at an adorably cute, high voice, pressing his hands to his face, revealing that his shirt sleeves had bagged so much that they fell over his hands, and when he pulled them down, his hands were about three sizes smaller than usual.
"What happened?" asked Asuka. "I remember we got knocked out but…but…"
"Chibi gas…" said Ryou darkly.
"Youw kiddin'!" said Asuka. "I tot dat stuff was outwalled in da seventies!"
"It was," said Ryou. "Dees fangwils musta had access to it! Dey weally aw dangewous!"
"OH CWAP!" yelled Asuka. "I chawenged da wesuwection of uwtimate evil to a deaf match! I need to get back to nowmal and fast, or else I won't be able to destwoy hew!"
"We gotta stop those fangiwls den," said Ryou. "Hey, whewes da Goth Giwl?"
"We don't have time!" said Asuka. "Wee gotta get Fubuki and Show and Mobstew and da rest or we'we toast!"
"Uh…I think we need to get some decent cwolves fiwst," said Ryou, whose shirt's neckline was so huge it was sliding down his shoulder.
"Goowd point," said Asuka, stopping hers from falling off her shoulder.
---ooo---
"MARIK!" screamed Odion, wandering the hallways. "WHERE ARE YOU? MAAA-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK!
---ooo---
Yeah, that chapter was a little more fragmented than I intended, but the next one will be better, I promise. I just need to get my act together.
Next time, Marik gets brutally questioned by the fangirls, the happy chorus attacks, and it's fangirls vs Seta, Azusa, and Ka'aewu the bunny! Who will win? See you next week!