"Good Morning, how are you, I'm Doctor Worm.
I'm interested in things.
I'm not a real Doctor
But I am a real worm, I'm an actual worm
I live like a worm."
-They Might Be Giant's 'Doctor Worm'
You can tell who just got a 'They May Be Giants' CD.
Today I had my bought of bad luck, because I decided to give clues as to which character on Yu-Gi-Oh I liked, because my friend has an almost disgusting (did I say 'almost'?) fixation with Inu-Yasha, but I specifically requested her not to blurt it out when I figured it out.
So of course today, halfway on my way to class, she screamed 'YOU LIKE SETO KAIBA?' at the top of her lungs...in a crowded hallway...of twenty people...most of whom I know.
Am I wrong to feel a bit embarrased, and have an insaciableneed to strangle her?
Chapter Sixteen
DUMB GIRLS
In which Shou and Fubuki learn to fight fire with fire.
"Could we turn the light down a little bit?" asked Marik, as he shielded his eyes from the blast that he got from the light from the huge lamp one of the fangirls pointed at Marik in the tiny, dark-except-for-the-blinding-light-from-the-lamp room.
"Shut up," said the fangirl. "What's your name?"
"Marik Ishtar, now let me go before I do as many mean things I can while being tied up to a chair," said Marik.
"Shut up!" said a fan-girl, hitting him with another pencil. "You're in no position to make demands! Do you know Seto Kaiba?"
"The skinny kid with the freaky hair point?" asked Marik.
"HOW DARE YOU?" said one of the fangirls, slapping him with the back of her hand. "Even if he did love you, you have no right to tread the same grounds as him, or even to breath the same air as him you evil…little…UGH! Words cannot describe you, you worthless filth!"
"Mine can," said Marik. "Wanna hear some?"
"SHUT UP!" said the fangirl, throwing another pencil at him. "If you did love him, would you pursue him?"
"Uh…" said Marik.
"IT'S A YES OR NO QUESTION!" yelled the girl.
"I DON'T KNOW!" yelled Marik.
"DON'T KNOW OR DON'T WANT TO KNOW?" yelled the fangirl.
"Well really…a little of both…" said Marik.
"CONFESSION!" screamed another interrogator in the room.
"IT'S NOT A BLOODY CONFESSION, I JUST DON'T KNOW!" yelled Marik.
"CONFESS YOU FIEND!" said another fangirl, throwing pencils at Marik. "CONFESS! CONFESS! CONFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!"
"CONFESS WHAT?" screamed Marik.
"That's it!" said one of the interrogators. "Leave this one to me…a few minutes with my favorite toys, and he'll be singing like a little birdy…"
---ooo---
"I'm sorry miss, but you're travel papers have been rejected," said one of the ticket sellers at the airline. "The error reading says that the Brittish Government has rejected your passport number. I'm afraid you can't fly to UK."
"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" yelled Mobster angrily. "What wussy excuse do you have for not letting me buy a ticket?"
"Well, according to the file, in the two-day trip that you took to the UK, you were convicted of thirty seven different cases of stalking, disturbance of the peace, and violation of personal space by hugging…once you got into the airport," said the ticket seller. "Things went downhill from there I'm assuming."
"They were dropped eventually!" said Mobster.
"That doesn't change the fact that you aren't allowed to fly there," said the ticket seller.
"I told you we should have just stayed in the school and wait until we got deployed somewhere around there!" said ASV, trying once again, in vain, to calm down Mobster after she had another bout of anglophilic rage, as we once again joined our favorite chibi friends at the Domino Airport, as Mobster was about to strangle a ticket seller, ASV was trying to hold her back, and Double S was happily munching some airline peanuts that someone was kind enough to give him.
Barney is a di-no-saur from our im-a-gin-a-tion, and when he's tall he's what we call-
"Oh, that's my cell phone!" said Double S sweetly, pulling it out of his knapsack and flipping it open. "'Ello!"
"Yes! It's Dubow S!" said Asuka on the other end of the line, still in chibi form, but managing to steal some decent clothes from the lost and found box at the Elementary School right next door, standing on top of Ryou, who was trying to give her a boost in a phone booth to reach the pay phone. "I knew it was good dat we asked him fow his cew phone numbuh!"
"Why am I on da bottom…" asked Ryou.
"I'm sorry, who is this?" asked Double S, not recognizing the sound of the five-year-old voice on the phone.
"It's me, Asuwka!" said Asuka "Me and Weyo awe in twouble!"
"I'm sorry, I don't think you're the Asuka I know. Goodbye!" said Double S, hanging up.
"CWAP!" yelled Asuka. "Qwick Weyo, hand me anova quawta…"
Barney is a di-no-saur from our-
"'Ello?" said Double S.
"Dubow S, wea not kiddin'!" said Asuka. "A fangiwl doused us wit Chibi Gas!"
"Chibi gas?" said Double S, as Mobster leapt over the counter and began to violently attack the ticket person. "I thought that they made that illegal in the seventies!"
"Asuwka, I'm swippin…" said Ryo, about to collapse from having Asuka's weight on top of his.
"Dey did!" said Asuka. "We need yoo to get ovah hewe and hewp us befow it's too-AAAAAAAAAA-WEYO YOU IDI-"
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooop.
"Uh oh," said Double S, closing his cell phone in horror, as two security guards were trying to pry Mobster off of the ticket lady's jugular.
---ooo---
There will now be a short intermission
"ISH-TAM-BUL WAS CON-STAN-TI-NO-PLE NOW IT'S IS-TAM-BUL NOT CON-STAN-TI-NO-PLE BEEN A LONG TIME GONE, CON-STAN-TI-NO-PLE-"
Okay, that's enough
---ooo---
"YOU FIEND! YOU ABSOLUTE FIEND! THIS IS THE SICKEST THING IN THE WORLD I'VE EVER SEEN ANYONE DO! FOR RA'S SAKE, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ANYWAY? AND YOU'RE…YOU'RE…HOW DARE YOU TOURTURE, EVEN YOURSELF IN SUCH A FIENDISH MANOR?"
"Dude, it's a peanut butter sandwich, calm down," said a fangirl to Marik, who was screaming at her at the top of his lungs. He was currently strapped down to a long board, which looked ideal for any form of torturing whatsoever, a perfect gift for any occasion, and available for as low as $59.99 at Target.
"Now then," said the fangirl torturer. "Would you only want the only slightly painful treatment, or the painful treatment?"
"Slightly painful please," said Marik.
"Sorry, we only got painful," said the torturer. "We have the especially painful torture if you're feeling dangerous."
"But you said you have slightly painful available!" said Marik. "I can call false advertising!"
"See? Now since your independently thinking, that calls for especially painful, everything worked out in the end," said the torturer, holding out the peanut butter in front of Marik. "Peanut Butter."
"AH! PEANUT BUTTER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Marik in terror.
"I have a feeling I'm going to have a fun time with you," said the fangirl torturer. "Okay, sharp pointy objects or something incredibly hot? Or maybe stretching random parts of your body? Or the many things I can hit you with? Ah, that's the best thing about this job! You get so many different options! Not to mention dental and chiropractic!"
Not chick flicks…anything but chick flicks…oh Ra, not chick flicks…thought Marik in terror.
"I'm feeling in a chick flick kind of mood myself…" said the torturer, pulling out a DVD with a skull and cross bones on the cover.
BLAST!
"Okay, I hope you don't mind the fact that you're going to have a torture mate," said the torturer.
"I do," said Marik.
"Too bad," said the torturer. "Marika, I am pleased to introduce to you, Valon."
"G'DAY!" yelled Valon at the top of his/her lungs as he was being dragged in with a chain around his/her neck, with a really stupid grin on his/her face.
"Whoa, hottie alert," said Marik.
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," said the torturer. "Well then, this is going to call for the big stuff. Hang on while I go look for 'Girl, Interupted'."
"Wow! Look at all this stuff!" said Valon, as the torturer left the room. "Someone could really get hurt in a place like this!"
Marik just stared at him/her.
"It's a good thing I like dumb girls," said Marik.
"Huh?" said Valon.
---ooo---
"It's no use Fubuki," said Shou, as the two hid inside a janitor's closet, while the robots eagerly paced back and forth in front of it, waiting for the perfect moment to strike their brainless prey down. "They're closing in. This may be the last time we ever hear 'Good Girls Don't'."
"Syrus, there's something I need to ask you if this is really the end," said Fubuki.
"Yeah?" asked Shou, shaking wildly.
"…what color underwear are you wearing?" asked Fubuki.
"WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT?" asked Shou.
"'cuz," said Fubuki.
"I just wish that there was something that we could do to defeat the robots!" said Shou. "Blowing them up doesn't kill them, and…wow, now that I think about it, blowing them up is really the only thing we tried."
"Huh?" asked Fubuki, beginning to take off his shirt.
"Wait…hang on…" said Shou to himself, tapping his chin. "There's something Asuka's always telling me to do during times when blowing stuff up doesn't work…now what is it…it's on the tip of my tongue…"
SHOU! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO EMPTY THE LINT TRAP BEFORE DRYING YOUR CLOTHES?
"No, that wasn't it," said Syrus, as Fubuki neatly folding up his removed shirt with almost Martha Stewart like precision. "Okay…maybe it was…"
Okay, so a mommy and a daddy who love each other very much-
"NONONONONONO!" said Syrus, shaking his head viciously and banging it with his fist. "DANGIT! I was trying to forget that too! Wait, maybe it was-"
When all else fails, USE YOUR THREE BRAIN CELLS!
"THAT'S IT!" said Shou, banging his fist in his hand with realization.
"What?" asked Fubuki, who was just about to unbutton his pants.
"Asuka always told me that when blowing stuff up doesn't work, we have to use our brains to think up a plan!" said Shou triumphantly.
"Our whats?" asked Fubuki.
---ooo---
"Attention all carbon based life forms in the storage unit," said one of the robot drones outside of the closet, all the rest of the robots standing in a battle formation. "We have you surround. Surrender to our masses now, or we'll be forced to infiltrate the premises of you concealment."
With that, the door to the closet sprang open, and there, strong, guant, and noble were our two fools, Shou and Fubuki, Fubuki, thankfully, with his shirt back on, and both ready to make their last stand.
"Do you surrender totally, utterly, and with no presence of resistance whatsoever?" asked the robot leader.
"No, we do not," said Shou.
"We don't?" asked Fubuki.
"NO!" said Shou.
"Okay!" said Fubuki cheerfully.
"Then we will be forced to drive you both into submission," said the robot leader, as the robot torsos parted, as boom boxes began to materialize on them. "Prepare to have you ear drums destroyed."
"Not so fast…" said Shou, as he and Fubuki both pulled out a pink boom box with pastel colored flowers all over it.
"Resistance is-"
"-booooooooooow my head to insaaaaaane circumstaaaaaaaance, open hands, and let it all gooooo-o-ooooooo-o-ooooo-"
The robots suddenly felt themselves recoiling in terrible pain, their audio sensors rocketing off the charts in the horror of Heidi Berry's 'Follow'.
"What…WHAT MANOR OF INSULT IS THIS?" the leader cried.
"We know the intense power of your infinite gallery of 80's music!" said Shou bravely.
"So we shall tap a power of our own…ART ROCK!" screamed Fubuki.
"YOU FOOLS! THIS SHALL NOT COME TO PASS!" said the robot.
"-my bay-bee takes the mor-ning TRAIN, he works from nine to five and THEN, he takes an-no-ther home a-GAIN-"
"GAH! 'MORNING TRAIN!" said Shou, covering his ears in horror.
"Good Pinkie, but not good enough!" said Fubuki, switching the track.
"-COME ON BABY, NOW GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO LEGIT...JUST ONE SANE MAN TO SHOW ME YOU GIVE A-"
" 'Selfless, Cold, and Compossed' by Ben Folds Five eh?" said the robot leader, while it's comrades recoiled in pain. "You haven't won yet! NEXT TRACK!"
"-my blood runs cold, WOO, my mem-o-ree has just been sold, my angel is the cen-ter-fold-"
"NOT 'CENTERFOLD'!" yelled Fubuki.
"Okay…no more…it's time for the big guns…" said Shou. "FUBUKI! Quick, turn to track seventeen!"
"NOT THAT TRACK!" screamed Fubuki. And when Fubuki advises against the insane…well, come on! It's too hot to handle!
"HE BRINGS DOWN THE FIRE, FROM THE SKY! LOOK UPON THE DOOM AND DEFY THE LOOK IN HUMAN EYES, BETTER NOT COM-PRO-MISE, IT WON'T BE EA-SY-"
"NOT GENESIS' 'SUPPER'S READY'!" screamed the leaders, as the robots began to scream and collapse into molten metal bits behind him, their bodies not able to stand the massive pressure of the infamous twenty two minute long song (twenty three and a half if you count the intro). "NOOOOOOOO VERY NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"It's working the Fubuki!" said Shou. "They're simultaneously combusting! We've won!"
"VV007!" screamed Fubuki.
"This…isn't…over…" said the robot. "You have played well…Shou…and Fubuki…but we shall…meet again…and then…then…I shall win…"
POOF!
With that, for a reason still undefined, the robots disappeared in a poof of smoke.
"They didn't get away…did they?" asked Shou.
"They may have this time, but next time, we'll be ready!" said Fubuki. "I SH4LL OWNZ3R J00 R0807 H0RD3Z!"
And that was the day when Shou and Fubuki chalked up a victory.
---ooo---
It was an absolutely splendid day, unseasonably pleasant outside, with the sun shining, the birds singing, and other pictures, postcard worthy goodness. Because of that, everyone in Domino City was eating their lunch outside, including the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the freelance journalist, the lion tamer, the nuclear power plant inspector and his three eyed canary, the cheese wheeler, the local street gangs, and the nice invaders from Planet Nor that we met in chapter two.
But especially the happy, chipper, and bright students of Domino High School were romping about outside on their free period to eat lunch and converse with friends, or, of course, try their hand at floral design.
"Blast these pathetic flowers," said Seto, ripping out an innocent daisy from the ground and adding it to his sad array of flowers that he already had in his hand, all were very droopy and unattractive looking, not to mention badly man handled. "Okay, now what kind of flowers to girls like anyway? Whatwasit…Baby's Breath?"
He looked around, but there was no Baby's Breath to be found.
"Whatever, crab grass should do for now," said Seto, ripping some more defenseless weeds out of the ground.
"Crab Grass…" said Snuggles, tiking to himself. "Can yeh be more pathetic lad?"
"UNLESS YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS, SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' MOUTH!" screamed Seto angrily.
"Then ah 'suggest' yeh don't try to make a bouquet out af pathaetic weeds," said Snuggles.
"WELL NO ONE ASKED YOU!" yelled Seto.
As if things weren't as humiliating enough already, suddenly, right behind them, screaming his head off in deranged fits of laughter was Joey. Seto felt his face go red, but he managed his best angry growl.
"You really don't want to have children that badly, do you mutt…" he said darkly.
"OH MY GOD! KAIBA'S PICKING FLOWERS!" screamed Joey.
"You don't know a single thing mutt, so shut up!" said Seto.
"WEE! LOOK AT ME!" said Joey, skipping around with the most girly sashay he could. "I'm Kaiba! I like to pick flowers on bright sunny days! I like to garden too!"
"Shut up-"
"May I fetch your apron 'ma'am'? BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
"SHUT UP YOU-"
"Tip-toe through the tu-lips, la la la la la…"
---ooo---
"Finally, we made it!" said Yugi, eating his pizza roll of his tray happily.
"PIZZA ROLL!" screamed Tristan, biting into his ferociously, and with such force that it caused it's contents of sauce, cheese, and pepperoni onto the side of Tea's face. Tea was more or less un-amused.
"Sorry Tea," said Tristan, scooping off the mound of pizza-roll guts and stuffing it in his mouth, Tea's face still stained with cheese and sauce, and a few pieces of stray pepperoni in her nice clean hair.
"I'm remembering all this you know," she said.
That's when Joey stumbled in, hacking and looking ashen faced, grabbing his neck in pain, looking like he could hardly breath.
"HI JOEY!" said Yugi. "Whoa! That sounds like a nasty cough!"
That's when Joey collapsed on the ground in a heap.
"THAT LOOKS PRETTY PAINFUL TOO!" said Yugi.
"OH MY GOD! HE'S CHOKING!" yelled Tea. "HELP! SOMEONE! JOEY'S CHOKING!"
None of the other students eating outside seemed to care.
"TEN DOLLARS TO THE PERSON WHO DOES THE HEIMLICH ON HIM FIRST!" said Tea.
That's when a huge crowd of people came, one of them quickly propping him up, and jabbing him in the chest until a saliva drenched wad of what looked like wildflowers, weeds, and dirt came out.
"Ew…" said Yugi, as Tea searched in her pockets for her wallet.
"Joey! What has Tea told you about grazing?" said Tristan.
"K…Kai…ba…" Joey managed to hack.
"Say no more," said everyone else in the gang simultaneously. Joey then took a moment to brush off his coat, then stood up, absorbed for a minute while watching all the deleted scenes from when his life flashed before his eyes. Then he looked around to see that everyone went back to their routine. Then he look down at the spit out wad of leaves. With that, he ripped out a handful of grass, put in on top of his pizza roll, and bit into it.
"JOEY!" yelled Tea.
"What?" said Joey.
---ooo---
"Congradulations on making ten dollars Seta-neechan!" said Azusa to her friend as the two sat out next to a tree on the grounds, with Ka'aewu happily munching on a carrot that Seta bought him.
"THANKS BEST FRIEND!" said Seta, eating her pizza roll. "I wonder what super fun things we can do for the next half of the day?"
"Oh my…God…" said Ebony Crow, looking down at her two unsuspecting victims. "Niether of them comes up on the register, but that girl…looks just like…no, there's no way. There's no way…"
She sighed.
"There's nothing else I can do," said Ebony Crow. "Everything I need to know about them will come up on questioning. They need to be detained."
"I like pepperoni pizza the best Onee-san!" said Azusa. "What's your favorite?"
"FRIENDS!" said Seta.
CLICK-A!
"Hands up in the air," said Ebony Crow, pointing a plasma cannon at the two, as Ka'aewu the bunny eeped in panic. "This thing is loaded, and I shall not hesitate to use it should you refuse to cooperate."
"FWIEND!" said Seta happily.
"That's kind of mean!" said Azusa.
"I said hands up!" said Ebony Crow threateningly.
"YOU LOOK SAD!" said Seta cheerfully.
"Look, doesn't it occur to either of you that I can incinerate you both in one click?" asked Ebony Crow.
"YOU NEED A HUG!" said Seta, and before Ebony Crow could say another word, Seta leapt up into the air, arms spread wide, and sprang on her new best friend, embracing her in a death grip of a hug.
"OH YOU STUPID WOMAN!" yelled Ebony Crow. "AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO WHAT I'M SAYING? I AM THERATENING YOU, I DO NOT WANT A HUG! WHAT THE HECK'S YOUR PROBLEM?"
"My sentiments exactly," said Ka'aewu dryly, but Ebony Crow didn't hear him, because using a wicked cool karate move, she threw Seta off her, but Seta used the tree as a spring board and bounced off it, firing herself back at Ebony Crow for another hug, Ebony Crow just barely dodging it.
"I see you will be a tough match," said Ebony Crow. "But I'm coming back with one of you!"
"Wha-" said Azusa, but before she could say another thing, Ebony Crow pressed a button on her glove, and a small suction cup released from the back of it, attaching itself to Azusa's face, delivering a minor shock to her body, knocking her systems offline.
"We shall meet again," said Ebony Crow, throwing Azusa over her shoulders, and with a blast of smoke, she disappeared.
---ooo---
"Marik! WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?" yelled Odion, searching everywhere for Marik. He had rounded every floor, looked all over the grounds, looked in the bathroom, both boy and girl, and still his friend could not be found. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME MARIK! I MADE A PROMISE TO YOUR MOM!"
Odion just sighed. There was no way he was going to find Marik at this rate. But where could Marik possibly be? It's like he vanished off the face of the universe. Odion kicked himself mentally for forgetting to insert that chip in Marik's underwear this morning.
"Are you looking for a girl named Marika?"
Odion turned around, and there at the end of the hallway was the Goth Girl, not a chibi at all.
"Yes…why…" asked Odion.
"I know where he is," said the Goth Girl.
---ooo---
Next time, Seta and Ka'aewu the bunny hunt down Azusa, we encounter the horror of Magical Goth-Loli Fubuki-chan, and the fangirls finally find the person who Seto truely loves...almost. See you next time!