loves...almost. See you next time!
The Center of Nasty Deaths Association strongly advises against reading this fanfic underwater.
Have I mentioned how much I hate midterms? Well I DO!
Chapter Seventeen
THE MAGICAL GUY
In which Joey teaches us a valuable lesson about life
"I'm sorry Jack, I just can't let this go on any longer," said a chick from a random chick flick. "If we keep doing this, it'll ruin me…it'll ruin you…there's no way that other people can understand this kind of relationship, not even the pair of us. I'm afraid I can't go on living this kind of lie. I…I…I know we've been longing for each other from afar…to touch…to feel…to become…but I can't…I can't…"
"For God's sake, just give me the stinkin' burger already," said the guy to the girl, who was wearing a disgusting polyester uniform at a burger place.
"NOOO! MAKE IT STOP!" yelled Marik, unable to plug his ears to the horror, due to the fact that they were bolted to his side by the torturing board thing, unlike Valon who's eyes were shimmering with tears.
"Hm…it seems that I'm just starting to break you and the others," said the fangirl torturer, who was enjoying seeing everyone else's pain. "Now…how can I rub it in your faces?"
"STOP IT ALREADY!" yelled Marik in a panic.
"Hm…I think 'Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood' dirrecter's cut oughta do the trick," said the torturer, with a dark and sinister grin on his face, cackling as she went to the back room.
"NO! I'm not going to let her take my life with her hands!" said Marik frantically. "Must…will…myself…to die…"
"Aw, I want to see if Stephanie and Jared get together!" said Valon sadly.
BAM!
"MARIK!"
Suddenly, from the ceiling, the ventilation grate was kicked out, and then, Odion jumped down to the ground, landing on his feet. "WHAT THE HECK HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SNEAKING INTO UNDERGROUND CIVILIZATIONS? I can't believe it, and after that absolute disaster in Detriot-"
"No! Odion! A bunch of girls dragged me down here!" said Marik.
Odion gave him a look of severe pity.
"And…uh, their very strong and incredibly masculine band of kidnapping macho men?" tried Marik pathetically.
"Yeah, moving away from that, I need to get you out of here," said Odion, trying to figure out how to work the torturing table.
"And that lead torturer!" said Marik pathetically, trying to sound less pathetic. "She's an absolute monster! I mean masculine is a severe understatement! This girlneeds to have an anthropologist to come in and determine her gender! I'm serious! She's like a sumo wrestler, except far worse looking, and she's got like a huge scar all across her face, and she kept bragging on how she one silver for shot put at the 96 Olympics, and-"
"You realize I've been hearing every single word you've said so far, right?" said the fangirl torturer, who was standing right in the doorway.
"Oh Jeez…" said Marik.
"Don't worry Marik," said Odion bravely. "I don't care whether I have to face a woman who looks like an NHL football player in his later years, or one of his fans, or...a harmless looking girl. I will save you!"
---ooo---
"Oh come on! I wet my pants long after you did!" said Marik.
"Shut up," said Odion, who was bound up on another torturing table right next to Marik.
---ooo---
"FRIEND?" Seta screamed in distress, using her super human strength to lift a boulder ten times he size, looking desperately to where her robotic friend was taking. With a huge heave of frustration, she chucked the boulder over her shoulder, and squished two cars and a good part of a third one in the teacher's parking lot.
"Seta…I know trying to encourage you to be san is against your principles but-" said Ka'aewu the bunny pathetically, before he got squished under three cheerleaders that Seta overturned in search of her lost friend.
"WHERE'S MY FRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND?" yelled Seta in horror.
"Seta…calm down…please…AH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SHUT YOU FACE!"
"FWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!" screamed Seta in homicidal maniac mode, grabbing the bunny and shaking him so violently that it looked like his head was going to snap off like a daisy.
"OoOoOoOoOoOkAaAaAaAaAaAy!" yelled Ka'aewu. "Look, I still have a little of my magic left from when it got zapped out of me by you, WHICH I'M STILL VERY BITTER ABOUT BY THE WAY, and I can help you locate your friend."
"Friend!" said Seta cheerfully.
"Okay, stop it," said Ka'aewu. "Look, give me another carrot, and I'll tell you where she is."
Seta held out a carrot, which seemed to come out of nowhere, and Ka'aewu quickly took it out of her hand with his bunny paws, and crunched on in extreme speed until it was nothing more than a little stub.
"Okay," said Ka'aewu, tossing the stub aside. "Now then, to be able to create a locating spell, I'm going to need all of the following items."
Seta quickly took out a notepad and a pink pencil with 'Frienship' written all over it in rainbow letters.
"Alright," said Ka'aewu. "You'll need one Naruto key chain-"
Seta quickly scribbled on the paper.
"-two yardsticks-"
Scrib scrib scrib…
"-one piece of crepe paper, three inches long exactly, preferably in navy-"
Scribble scrib…
"-one ATI RADEON 9000 Pro Technologies Graphic Chip-"
Scribbe scribble scrib scrib
"-one stick of artificial butter-"
Scrib scribble…
"-one cup of love-"
Scribbldy scrib…
"-and last, but by far the least, this month's issue of Glamour," said Ka'aewu.
Seta quickly wrote down the last thing, then happily skipped off to find all the items on the list, nearly getting hit by a car as she bounced across the road, causing it to swerve violently into a ditch instead.
---ooo---
"Aw, aren't they the cutest things in the world!" squeaked a cute-but-purposly-dumb girl and her equally dumb friend.
"You gotta get owta hewe befowe it's too wate!" said Ryou.
"Dewe awa buncha fangiwls, and dere gonna hunt you down!" said Asuka.
"De'ww towtuw yew untiw you'we dead!" said Ryou.
"I could just stand here looking at them all day!" said the other one.
"Hey little fella! You want a hug?" asked the first girl to Ryou, who tried to glare angrily at her, but it failed miserably, so all he could manage was a cute little sad face.
"No, we'we sewious! Youw in dangew!" said Asuka, waving her arms in distress.
"Aww…" said the two girls, giving a hug to one of the chibi's in front of them.
"ISN'T DIZ PENATWATING YOU THICK SKUWW YOU BWAINWESS GIWLS?" screamed Ryou.
"So cute…" squeaked the second.
"It's no use Weyou," said Asuka, walking away, leaving the girls to squeal in peace. However, before he left Ryou kicked one of them in the shins.
"What a we gonna do?" asked Asuka, as Ryou rushed a little to catch back up to her. "No one takes us sewiouswy! All dey do is tink we'we cute!"
"I DESPISE BEING CUTE!" yelled Ryou at the top of his lungs.
"We'ah wunnin' outta time," said Asuka. "We gotta think up something, and fast, ow else evewee giwl in da school could be in twoubo."
"Maybe we should twyta find Fubuki and Shou," said Ryou. "Dey gotta lotta weapons, right?"
"Good point," said Asuka. "I'm sure dey have enouf powah to bwow up da fangiwls! I just hope they awen't dowin anytin shtupid wight now…"
---ooo---
"WOW! Thanks for teaching me how to embroider boxer briefs with images of animals on the endangered species list!" said Syrus, proudly holding up his accomplishment. "I made Great Panda!"
"And I made a Tasmanian Tiger!" said Fubuki proudly, displaying the pair of boxer briefs he just sewed.
"Aren't they already extinct?" asked Shou.
"Maaaaaaaaaybeeeee…" said Fubuki, sticking them on his head. "But that doesn't matter! BECAUSE I'M BLOODY HUNGRY, AND WHEN I GET HUNGRY, I GET ANGRY! REALLY….REALLY…"
With that, Fubuki whipped out a bazooka cannon and burned a hole straight through the front wall of the school, which then zapped through a tree, which then barbequed another six cars in the parking lot.
"Boy, I bet the local insurance agencies are going to have a field day," said Shou, looking at the smoldering crater in the parking lot.
"WAIT!" said Fubuki, suddenly, dropping the cannon, causing it to create a huge zap down two straight floors, causing incredibly an incredibly shocked teacher below to freeze in her place, only two inches away from fiery death.
"What?" asked Shou in horror.
"I finally figured out that problem my first grad English teacher gave me!" said Fubuki. "So your supposed to take the chicken over, then go over and take the cat, then take the chicken back, then take the seed over-"
"Fubuki, why is everything you do so random and weird?" asked Shou. "Not a single thing that you've done so far has made the tiniest bit of sense! I mean you insisted that kissing a grapefruit gives you good luck, and after you did, you snuck into the girl's bathroom and blew up all the toilets! IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DO THAT MAKES THE TINIEST FRAGMENT OF SENSE?"
Silence.
"Waffle?" asked Fubuki, holding out a waffle that looked completely frozen on a fork.
"Fubuki please…" said Shou.
Suddenly, with a poof of pink and glittery white smoke, a tall woman with butterfly wings appeared in a pink dress, holding a magic wand with a huge, gaudy star at the end.
"Hello Fubuki and Shou!" she said. "I am the Good Fairy of Poorly Written Plot Devices, and I am here to kick start this boring chapter up a little bit!"
"WOOT!" said Fubuki.
"Huh?" asked Shou.
"There is a terrible plot of fangirls capturing girls they can't identify or aren't a member of their club, and they're hunting them down and brutally torturing them in an underground lair," said the Good Fairy. "Only someone who's incredibly insane can even hope to free them. Please Fubuki and Shou, save them before it's too late!"
Really dramatic music continued to play in the background for awhile after as the three stood in silence.
"'Kay, bye now!" said the fairy, mystically poofing away.
"FANGIRLS ON THE LOOSE?" said Fubuki. "This shall not be tolerated! I must stop them!"
"How do you plan to do that?" asked Shou.
"Look, a bunny," said Fubuki, pointing behind Shou.
"WHERE?" asked Shou excitedly, turning around. As he did, Fubuki stuffed his hand into the back of his pants, rummaging around through the old ticked stubs to 'March of the Penguins' until with a squeal of triumph, he pulled out a magic wand which looked suspiciously like a ukulele.
Cue the Magical…Guy transformation sequence.
"FUBUKI TENJOIN TRANSFORM TO-" he screamed at the top of his lungs, and with a bunch of shiny stuff, he whirled around at wicked fast speed, which sent his clothes spurting in random directions in the hallway, on the lockers, the fountain, and his lacy girl's underwear landing on the back of Shou's head.
"-MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN!" he finished with an exquisite spin, now wearing black, relatively tight pants, with a swirl of lace around the edge of it, making it look like he was wearing a mock, frilly micro mini, shiny black shoes, a black blazer, with huge, feathery wings sticking out of the back, a white dress shirt with a tie that was patterned with little 'Fubuki 10-joins' in silvery letters, a huge rimmed black hat with bunny ears sticking out of the top, and a black mask.
"Uh…" said Shou.
"Just for the record, I am NOT wearing underwear!" said Fubuki.
"Really didn't need to know that…" said Shou, who's eye was twitching.
"AND NOW, USING THE POWERS OF MY MYSTICAL WAND IN G MINOR," said Fubuki bravely. "I, BUCK THE WONDER, whoops, sorry, MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN SHALL-hey, I bet there's no line in the lunch line by now."
---ooo---
"Hm, the must all be on break or something…" he said about two minutes later outside of the kitchen, where all of the lunch ladies were hiding and cringing in fear.
---ooo---
"Excuse me sir, can I have a little love?" asked Seta cheerfully, holding out a measuring cup with little hearts on the handle.
"Uh…" said the random background character.
"Joey, I don't care how good you thought the grass tasted, this is just plain undignified!" said Tea in disgust, as Joey appeared to be grazing. "Stop grazing, or people are going to think that you're an idiot!"
"They are not!" said Joey.
"Hey, who's dat guy?" asked Asuka as she and Ryou walked by.
"Dunno…he must be an idjit…" said Ryou.
"I TOLD YOU!" said Tea. "Joey, have you done a single smart thing in your life? I mean ever? I mean…"
"Well," said Joey, spitting out a wad of grass. "There was one time but…that was awhile ago…"
"What?" asked Tea, eager to hear this.
"Well one day, I was walkin' down the street, and there was this guy who said that his name was Bill Gates right?" said Joey.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," said Tea.
"And I had a five dollar bill that I was going to buy a wicked mega hot makes-you-wet-your-pants chili ice cream mega salsa wicked hot did we mention it was hot chicken and bagel sandwich," said Joey.
"And?" said Tea.
"And this loser named Bill Gates just comes saying 'if you give me that five dollars to buy a wicked mega hot makes-you-wet-your-pants chili ice cream mega salsa wicked hot did we mention it was hot chicken and bagel sandwich, I'll give you this huge bag of jewels that I got in a diamond mine in South Africa!'" said Joey. "And so I kicked him in a very uncomfortable spot!"
"Oh, so you managed to stop someone from swindling you out of five dollars," said Tea.
"Yeah and I stole one of his wussy rocks, and after I wet my pants after that bagel sandwich, I traded it with my old neiberhood pall David Owen for two quarters! And the sucker took the darn thing!" said Joey proudly.
"…David Owen," said Tea.
"Yup!" said Joey.
"The David Owen," said Tea.
"The one and only!" said Joey.
"The millionaire David Owen," said Tea.
"Yeah, I guess," said Joey.
"David Owen, the owner of the most flawless diamond in the world, which has sixteen times the weight of the hope diamond, and nearly twenty times more of the dollar value?" asked Tea.
"Yeah, whatever," said Joey, ripping up a patch of poison ivy. "OOH! SALAD!"
"I don't have the heart to stop you at this point," said Tea, walking away, losing all faith in her pathetic excuse for a friend, as Joey jammed the poison ivy down his throat, causing him to start chocking again.
"They haven't realized that we're trying to dismantle a bomb yet, have they?" asked Yugi, as he and Tristan both were wearing Bomb Squad uniforms and were trying to disarm a huge, warhead looking devise.
"Guess not," said Tristan. "Oh! You should cut the green wire Yugi!"
"Are you sure?" asked Yugi, a pair of pliers in his hands.
"Nah, purple's just my favorite color," said Tristan. "CUT IT! CUT IT!"
---ooo---
"Okay, I got all the stuff funny cuddle fwuf!" said Seta, dumping the contents in her arms in front of Ka'aewu. "I couldn't find a Naruto key chain, So I hoped that Saske would work and-"
"Okay okay, whatever," said Ka'aewu, who had prepaired a magical fire that was an odd shade of green that was licking up the edges of an old looking cauldron.
"So I throw them in the cauldron?" asked Seta.
"This is my laundry stupid," said Ka'aewu, pulling up the stick in the water, a jock strap hanging off of it.
"Oh," said Seta. "I WUV YOU!"
"Yeah sure, whatever," said Ka'aewu, bouncing over, clearing his throat heartily. "Oh great guiding spirits, we offer you a load of rubbish so that you may point us in the direction of our missing friend Ariadne-"
"Azusa," said Seta.
"Whatever," said Ka'aewu.
With that, a magical blue orb began to slowly form over the contents that Seta had dumped on the ground, and as it was just about as big as a large beach ball-
"You have reached the Guiding Spirits operating system," said a cool female voice. "If this is a support issue, please deposit five dollars onto the sacrificial alter. If this is a request for live service, please deposit twenty five dollars for the first five minutes."
"Dang guiding spirits, always making things so commercial," said Ka'aewu, pulling a wallet out to begin to fish around for a five, and the chucking it onto the pile, which began a elevator musicy sounding tune to play. "What the heck happened to customer service?"
"Guiding Spirits, this is Gearic, patron spirit of travelers, how may I help you?" said a gruff sounding voice coming from the floating orb.
"Uh yeah, hi, this is Ka'aewu and-" Ka'aewu started.
"WHERE'S BEST FRIEND AZUSA?" Seta asked.
"Uh, Azusa…yeah uh, she's in some underground ancient auditorium of doom bellow your school, according to the computer," said the voice.
"BESTED FRIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!" yelled Seta at the top of her lungs, running and screaming as she headed off.
"Hey…uh, Ka'aewu…I hope you know that I…well…" said the spirit.
"I TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!" screamed Ka'aewu, popping the bubble with a stick. "Jeez…moody spirits…"
---ooo---
"I wonder what Seta-Neesan is doing right now…" said Azusa quietly to herself.
"You know, I'm finding this rather painful…" said Odion. "Marik, why can't you just be smart? Why must you insist on being so stinkin' stupid!"
"THEY SNUCK UP ON ME!" said Marik.
"I DON'T CARE IF THEY BLOODY SNUCK UP ON YOU!" said Odion. "We wouldn't be stuck here in the first place if you didn't screw up all the other times you tried to steal the stupid puzzle, if you didn't even think of this completely stupid idea in the first place, AND IF YOU JUST TRIED TO DO SOMETHING DECENT WITH YOUR LIFE OTHER THAN ACT STUPID?"
"Yeah, well am I stupid, or is the stupid person calling the stupid thing stupid stupid, stupid?" asked Marik.
"Alright, good news and bad news," said the torturer. "The good news is that you no longer amuse me and I feel like just giving you all the big thumbs down for the heckovit."
"And the bad news…" said Marik uneasily.
"I've decided I wanted to try this out," said the torture, pulling in a huge machine with scissors, axes, chainsaws, and all kinds of stuff poking out of it labeled 'RipSlashN'Cut 6000'.
"Oh…dear…" said Odion. "Oh, I didn't want it to end like this. I have so much of my life still to live. I still have dating…college..marriage…kids…second marriage…"
BAM!
"HALT EVIL ONE!" said Fubuki, busting down the door with his huge magic wand, Shou walking in unexcitedly behind him. "I, MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN am here to stop you!"
"The comic convention's 809 Maple Road nitwit," said the torturer.
"HA! LAUGH WHILE YOU STILL CAN EVIL ONE!" said Fubuki. "I am here to save the…hey, what are you snickering about?"
"Khehe…you're…you're wearing…" said Marik, pointing to the lace, "…a skirt…"
"It isn't a skirt, it's decorative lace!" said Fubuki. "Moving on-"
"It really does look like a skirt though," said Valon.
"Does not!" said Fubuki.
"Can I try it on after you?" asked Valon.
"NO YOU MAY NOT!" said Fubuki. "Now anyway, me and my trust partner Shou shall now…Shou?"
Fubuki looked behind him to see that Shou disappeared.
"Shou…uh, Shou?" asked Fubuki. "Where did you…Shou?"
---ooo---
"So then I was like 'IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DO THAT MAKES THE TINIEST FRAGMENT OF SENSE?'," said Shou, surrounded by gorgeous women outside. "And then he was like-"
---ooo---
"NEVERMIND THEN!" said Fubuki. "Now then evil villain, prepare to-"
"FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!" screamed Seta at the top of her lungs, running right into the room, bouncing excitedly. "I GET TO SAVE MY FRI-ENDS! I GET TO SAVE ME FRI-ENDS!"
"Seta-nee!" said Azusa.
"Oh for god sake, stop that already," said Ka'aewu, bouncing into the room. "Oh gad, why is that man dressed in a skirt?"
"NOT A SKIRT!" said Fubuki.
"TIME TO SAVE MY FRI-"
"Alright, stop all this stupidity right now!"
Everyone turned around in horror to face the latest threat to idiocy, the one, the only, the hasn't been mentioned in a heckova long time-
"IT'S THE HOT LADY!" screamed Fubuki.
"It's Tish!" said Tish angrily, with Chibi Asuka and Chibi Ryou behind her. "And for god's sake, the comic convention is 809 Maple-"
"How did you know to find us here?" asked Odion to her.
"Well, I was going to try to shut down the main server to the school, but I got stopped about halfway by Asuka and Ryou," said Tish. "They gave me a quick explanation to everything that happened, and I came down here to set everything right. Now let everyone go, and turn these two back to normal or I'll get nasty."
"You have no power to tell me what to do!" said the torturer.
"Would you like to change that answer?" asked Tish, pulling out a plasma cannon.
"YOU BET I WOULD!" said the torturer, pressing the on button to the RipSlashN'Cut 6000…which fell apart the instant she did.
"Oh drat!" said the torturer. "YOU MAY HAVE ONE THIS TIME, BUT WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WOLF, YOU DEAL WITH THE PACK!"
And with that, she pushed a button, and the lights quickly turned off, then snapped back on.
"WE'RE FREE!" all the girls and Odion said.
"We need to change…again…" said Asuka, now back to her full height, the jumper that once was down to her knees now turned into a very tight and tiny skirt.
"Ah…chocking…" said Ryou, his sweater neck strangling him.
"Well at least we're all back together!" said Odion.
"I'M STILL NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!" said Fubuki.
"THERE THEY ARE MEN!" screamed a bunch of police officers, running into the room like mad, and they grabbed Fubuki, and twisted his arms behind his back, throwing him against the wall. "Eyes up against the wall pixie boy."
"What the heck is going on-ACK!" screamed Ryou, also being thrown against the wall by a pair of policemen.
"Fubuki Tenjoin and Ryou Marafuji, you are both under arrest," said one of the officers.
---ooo---
"Red Dwarf…" said Ebony Crow, looming in the doorway.
"Yes?" she said, swinging around in the swivel chair in her office, which was covered from the top to the bottom in Seto posters.
"We've found the target, the only person in the world that Seto Kaiba could be in love with," said Ebony Crow. "Our target is a woman named Tish…"
---ooo---
Next time, an art video of doom, more fangirl randomness, and Fubuki and Ryou get sent to the stony lonesome…but why? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!