There's Something About Marik contains no artificial insanity.
STAY TUNED AFTER THE FEATURE FOR RANDOM GOODNESS!
Chapter Eighteen
MONKEYHIGGABUBBLES…OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
In which no one likes Art Movies
And now for an example of a literary impossibility.
"Wow Odion, I can't believe that we made it out of that freaky underground auditorium torture chamber thingy before anyone else did in virtually no time at all," said Marik.
"It is a bit out of the ordinary," said Odion. "I'm just glad you aren't dead Marik…or brutally mauled…or dismembered…or any combination of the above…"
"Okay, now back to the whole point of this stupid fanfiction in the first place…HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO KEEL YUGI AND STEAL HIS SMEGGIN' PUZZLE?" screamed Marik.
"May I suggest that you change back to men's clothing?" said Odion, indicating the fact that Marik was still wearing the girl's uniform.
"Shut up Odion, I'm plotting!" said Marik. "You know, this skirt is incredibly comfortable…I may have to buy one myself…"
"Oh Ra," said Odion, slapping his hand against his forehead.
"I said shut up Odion!" said Marik. "Hm…now then, what am I going to do…I've tried Gym Class…being sneaky…disguise…cross dressing…"
"Whatever comes next, just leave me out of it, got it?" said Odion. "I've had enough fun trying to bail your sorry butt out of everything that's happened today…"
"There has to be some sort of answer to how I can handle this…" said Marik. "If only there was some way I can convince Yugi to just hand over the puzzle without a fight or with any desire to actually get it back…but only television has that kind of power-"
PING!
"I GOT IT!" yelled Marik. "But the only way I can even hope to pull it through is if I can find a video camera, a really annoying yet boring at the same time kind of person, some cheep scenery, and a really weird and random literary impossibility!"
ONE LITTERARY IMPOSSIBILITY LATER
"SUCCESS!" yelled Marik, holding up a video tape, cackling is happiness at the form of supreme, unlimited evil that he had just created. "Now, with this videotape, a sick and twisted dream, and the limitless power of insanity, I shall finally capture the power of Yugi's Puzzle!"
"Which is the exact same thing you always say before you screw up in hilariously funny ways," said Odion.
"I SAID SHUT UP!" said Marik. "Which reminds me, for once, I'll need you for this one too!"
"And if I refuse?" said Odion.
"Then I'll tell everyone I know about your secret crush on Dora the Explorer for the past seven years!" said Marik.
"NO ONE CAN PROVE THAT!" said Odion.
"Obviously you've forgotten about this roll of pictures," said Marik, waving a wad of instant-develop kind of photos.
"You rat…" said Odion.
---ooo---
"Fubuki Tenjoin and Ryou Marafuji, you are both under arrest," said one of the police officers.
"Why?" said Asuka angrily. "They haven't done a single thing wrong except being stupid!"
"Not according to this warrant they haven't," said the officer, pulling it out and reading it. "They have been charged with freelance insanity, blowing up things, disturbing the peace, creating an obstacle course on school grounds without a permit, lack of a license to use a Doom Mobile, sugar trafficking, illegal use of scotch tape, and starting every World War ever, including the ones that don't exist."
"They're obviously falsified!" said Ryou. "There's no such thing as illegal uses of scotch tape!"
"I WANT MY MOMMY!" screamed Fubuki.
"Tell it to the judge!" said the police officers, just as a huge police car ran straight through the wall of the auditorium with a humongous bang, it's beaten-up back doors creaking open strenuously after somehow tunneling fifteen feet underground.
"You can't do that!" said Asuka, as Fubuki and Ryou were being dragged into the police car. "They haven't done anything like that! I mean, nothing that's worth an arrest! I mean come on!"
"Don't say things that you'll regret latter miss," said one of the officers, heading toward the police truck. "And for God sakes, please put on some decent clothing."
"WAIT!" yelled Asuka, but it was too late. The police car began burrowing through the tunnel it somehow made back to the surface.
"This is awful Shou," said Asuka. "There's no way that those two could be arrested like that. They both have diplomatic immunity from the law. Not to mention there is no such thing as illegal use of scotch tape…"
"YAY! RYOU'S GONE!" said Shou.
"Snap out of it Shou, we're in crisis mode here," said Asuka. "Okay, there has to be someone behind this, and I'll figure out who. I'll deal with the beast of the abyss later."
"But first things first, you really should put on some decent clothes," said Shou.
"SHUT UP!" said Asuka, trying to press her five-year-old jumper down, which was just barely covering what it needed to cover.
---ooo---
We would like to apologize in advance for the stupidity of the next joke
"And then your supposed to hold it down and beat it senseless with a banana while saying, in a very high pitched, silly voice, 'dinkle'," said Joey solemnly.
"So that's how you multiply fractions!" said Tristain in elation. "Thank's Joey!"
"I wonder what we're doing in art class today?" said Tea, as she and the others were sitting together at their usual table, as was everyone else in the class, chatting away and waiting for class to officially start.
"I don't know, but I heard we had a substitute teacher," said Yugi. "It's a shame what happened to Mr. Jokuwa. I can't believe he broke both of his arms and his legs and lost complete consciousness in a freak accident while he was brushing his teeth after lunch!"
"Wow! I didn't realize personal hygiene could be so dangerous!" said Tristan.
"That's why I quit brushing my teeth after pre-school!" said Joey, as one of his yellow, moldy teeth fell out of his mouth.
"Good day class," said Odion, who was looking rather sharp in a blazer, dress shirt, and slacks. "I am your substitute teacher for the day, Mr…Fred."
"I thought Ms. Imawari was going to be our substitute," said Tea.
"She was, but she had a freak accident when she fell out of a second story while watering her window plants," said Odion. "So today, I shall be your substitute. Now since no one knows me, I'll be happy to answer any questions you have about me."
"ARE YOU MARRIED!" asked Yugi.
"…no…" said Odion.
"What's your first name?" asked Joey.
"Joe," said Odion flatly.
"How do you multiply fractions?" asked Tristan.
"You hold it down and beat it senseless with a-"
"What's your name again?" asked Yugi.
"Joe, Joe Fred," said Odion.
"If I make a wish upon a star, will all of my dreams come true?" asked Yugi.
"No," said Odion, as Yugi's eyes began to water up.
"Do you have any idea on how to do art at all?" asked Tea.
"Okay, that's enough questions," said Odion. "Now today we're going to do something a little different. We're going to watch an art movie."
Everyone sighed. Of course. A substitute teacher's ace in the hole.
"It's just going to be about some of the artists of the post impressionist era, whatever the heck that's supposed to be," said Odion.
"It's a great movement of artistic style after an age of either romanticism, an artistic style when people were strongly influenced by nationalism to paint things in a beautiful, almost mythical or dreamlike sense, or realism, a style showing the horrors of modern day life instead of a fantastic ideal of what they should be. Impressionism soon became an artistic movement between the two, when artists struggled to capture images for what they actually are, with no biased view or emotional tug toward the beauty or the bane," said Joey matter-of-factly.
Silence.
"Okay, what he said," said Odion. "Just what the movie, and make your thoughts as susceptible to subliminal mind messages as possible."
"TURNING OFF MY INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT!" said Yugi cheerfully.
"ME TOO!" said Joey.
"Maybe I'm naïve, but this screams 'ulterior motive' to me," said Tea.
"HEY! Stop thinking independently Tea!" said Tristan.
---ooo---
Hm…this is one of the most intricate viruses I've ever seen thought Tish, analyzing the data from one of the Red Dog Computer Virus effected computed. There's no way a normal organization could have made this. I've just got to try to find a lock on some sort of distinct code so that I can-STUPID POP UP AD! Dangit…
"Alright, hands up!" said Ebony Crow, sticking random firearm in the back of Tish's head. "This is full to the brim of Chibi Gas, and I'm not afraid to fire."
"Sorry, could you just wait a moment while this loads?" said Tish.
"Oh, no problem," said Ebony Crow, putting the gun down from Tish's neck, as Tish clicked a few times on the computer. A few moments passed by, while Ebony Crow idly rocked back and forth on her feet.
"There we go now," said Tish, "Okay, now what were you ranting about?"
"I must ask you to submit to my will and do everything I ask, or else you'll have to live out the rest of your life as a five year old," said Ebony Crow, raising up the gun again.
"Why?" said Tish.
"Because I am a member of the most dangerous and fanatical underground organization of fan-girls to ever exist in a school setting, and you, my dear woman, are the object of the affections of our fanee," said Ebony Crow.
"What? You want me to tell him to pike off or something?" said Tish.
"No we do not, we want to chibify you, after brutal torture and examination, so he'll forget about you!" said Ebony Crow.
"Well why? He'll just fall in love with another girl," said Tish.
"Then we'll have to Chibify her too!" said Ebony Crow.
"So let me get this straight," said Tish. "You group really likes this guy, and to show it, your preventing him from finding someone he likes and being happy?"
"Look, we're a semi-cult filled with hyperactive teens!" said Ebony Crow. "Don't tell me now your trying to find some logic in this!"
"Sorry, I guess I'm young and naïve," said Tish. "Oh, by the way-"
With that, she did a wicked awesome karate kick and knocked the gun right out of Ebony Crow's hands, which left her in a temporary shock.
"Cheh, I seem I'm going to have to play nasty with you," said Ebony Crow. "Just wait around until I find some mindless cronies to do whatever I want. That shouldn't be too hard…"
With that, she whipped out a smoke canister, threw it on the ground, and with a screen of nothing, she instantly vanished.
"No Mom, I don't want to go to Cornell to become a doctor," said Tish. "I want to go to into espionage, it'll be fun, I'll get to travel to interesting places, I'll get to have a partner, I get do to exciting things…"
---ooo---
"You know what my least favorite color is Fubuki?" said Ryou miserably, as he and Fubuki were being force marched to a cell in prison.
"Ten?" asked Fubuki.
"That's a number Fubuki," said Ryou.
"Eleven?" asked Fubuki.
"…it's orange. I LOATH the color orange!" said Ryou. "And here we are, wearing orange jumpsuits, and for crimes we didn't even commit!"
"I like ten!" said Fubuki. "Ten, ten, tenity-ten ten ten…"
"Okay, I just have to stay calm…" said Ryou, "everything turns out alright in the end as long as people stay-"
"MONKEYHIGGABUBBLES!" said Fubuki.
"Excuse me?" said Fubuki.
"I'm just thinking of words that are fun to say!" said Fubuki. "You know how some words just are naturally fun to say, like spatula?"
"…no," said Ryou.
"Well, some words are!" said Fubuki.
"Fubuki, I don't think I've done anything that could get us thrown in jail," said Ryou. "I'm not sure, but I think that you haven't done anything that would be considered worth jail time, ri-"
"Do you think it's fun to say Monkeyhiggabubbles?" said Fubuki.
"I don't know," said Ryou.
"Well say it then!" said Fubuki, before Ryou could say another word.
"No, I will not!" said Ryou.
"Come one! Just once!" said Fubuki.
"No!" said Ryou.
"Please?" asked Fubuki.
"No!" said Ryou.
"Please?" asked Fubuki.
"No!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"Please?"
"No already!"
"Please?"
"Fine! Monkeyhiggabubbles! Are you happy?" asked Ryou.
"Was it fun to say?" asked Fubuki.
"Not off-the-wall ecstatically, no," said Ryou.
"Then you need to say it louder and in a really high pitched voice and really fast!" said Fubuki. "Like this! MONKEYHIGGABUBBLES! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Small minds, easily amused," said Ryou.
But neither of them had time to chatter around aimlessly any longer, for the they were imeadiatly halted, as one of the guards opened the cell door, which almost seemed to shriek on the grate, as the other two shoved both Fubuki and Ryou in rather roughly on a hard, concrete floor.
"YAY!" said Fubuki. "I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A FELON!"
"There's no way this could all be an accident," said Ryou. "Fubuki, I have a feeling we've been set up because someone wants us out of the picture. But why…"
"HEY! THIS DIRT'S IN THE EXACT SHAPE AS SHOU'S HEAD!" cried Fubuki, holding up a clot of dirt that did bare a striking resemblance to Shou's head.
"Why would anyone want us out of the picture?" wondered Zaine, as the dirt clod self destructed in Fubuki's face.
---ooo---
"THEY GOT THE WRONG ONES?" hissed the cult leader hidden behind the veil.
"Sorry sir," said one of the red-clad dubbers. "Apparently the person on the phone had very bad hand writing, so instead of Asuka Tenjoin and Shou Marufuji…they got their older siblings."
"Send all who are responsible for this mishap to the land of the dubbed!" said the leader. "And make a note that any future accusations, false or otherwise, must be typed."
---ooo---
"We have to get out of there and try to get to the bottom of this," said Ryou. "But how?"
"DON'T WORRY RYOU!" screamed Fubuki, pulling out a spoon. "I SHALL DIG US FREE!"
"Oh God, not that old cliché…" said Ryou.
"HI EVERYONE!" screamed Mobster, sticking her head through the barred windows of the cell.
"What the-" said Ryou.
"WOOT! MOBSTER!" said Fubuki, springing on top of Ryou, crushing him, but managing to get to eye level with Mobster. "Hey, what are ya doin' here?"
"I don't know!" said Mobster.
"SWEET! Hey, you gotta DVD player on you?" said Fubuki.
"AND ALL FOUR SEASONS OF PYTHON!" said Mobster, holding out both the DVD player and four boxed sets of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
"Get off me!" said Ryou, managing to get up and throw Fubuki off his back. "Who are you, what the heck are you doing here, and how do you know him?"
"Mobster, I just answered that, and we're both members of the Fanatical Organization of Monty Python Lovers!" said Mobster.
"YEAH BABY!" said Fubuki.
"I think dealing with all these insane people is having an effect on me," said Ryou darkly to himself. "I'm feeling less sane by the minute…"
"Oh by the way, how'd your sister make out with the whole Chibi thing?" said Mobster to Fubuki.
"Chibi wha?" said Fubuki, busy watching the Cycling Tour.
"Yah know, when your sister and her dimwitted friends got turned into little kids, which I'm really angry I didn't get to see by the way," said Mobster, "so how did that turn out, okay?"
"Dunno, guess so," sad Fubuki. "AH HA HA! LEMON CURRY!"
"How the heck did you know about that?" asked Ryou.
"Well what's it to you Mr. Not-a-Forkin'-British-Luver?" said Mobster.
"I'm Ryou! Ryou Marufuji! I was part of the whole incident!" said Ryou.
"OH!" said Mobster. "I get it! So you must be Shou's older brother!"
Silence, except for the mad cap humor of the portable DVD player.
"You're fatter than I expected," said Mobster.
"Oh, shut up!" said Ryou. "And again, how do you know about all of that?"
"We got your call, or more like Double S did, and we couldn't come right away because they made these stupid laws which said that you can't viciously maul people if they don't bend to your will!" said Mobster. "So know we're here, and we're asking for cab money."
"DID YOU GET IT YET MOBSTER?" screamed ASV's voice from bellow.
"I'M WORKIN' ON IT!" said Mobster. "Anyway, do either of you have a ten?"
"Sorry, all of my savings are in bonds," said Fubuki.
"Wait, before you go, can you do us a favor?" said Ryou.
"Why would I do you a favor, fat-boy?" said Mobster.
"Where are you getting this fat thing from?" asked Ryou.
"Hey, I call them as I see them," said Mobster. "Now back to my original question, what's in this for me?"
"I don't know! What do you want?" asked Ryou.
"Ten dollars! Duh!" said Mobster. "And jeez, everyone's running around calling you 'The Big Man on Campus' or 'Kaiser' or whatever…next thing I know, they'll all be calling Fubuki a loony…"
"Well I don't have ten dollars!" said Fubuki.
"Then I guess you can just watch a couple episodes of 'Injustice' and cry me a river," said Mobster, turning around to hop out the window. "Buh-bye!"
"No! Hang on!" said Ryou.
"Hey, I've got an idea!" said Fubuki. "If you help us get out of here, I'll tell you a word that's really fun to say!"
"DEAL!" said Mobster. "What is it?"
"Monkeyjiggles!" said Fubuki.
"HEY! THAT'S COOL!" said Mobster. "Okay, see you latter! Bye!"
And with that, she hopped out the window, plunged ten feet down screaming at the top of her, and landed face first on the ground.
"It wasn't that," said Ryou.
"It wasn't what?" said Fubuki.
"That word," said Ryou. "It wasn't the same one as you said before, it was something different…"
"No it wasn't!" said Fubuki.
"Yes it was!" said Ryou. "It was like Monkey…hugga something…"
"Your hallucinating man!" said Fubuki.
"You're really starting to nerve me out, you know that?" said Ryou.
"Oh, shut up fatso," said Fubuki.
"I'M NOT FAT!" yelled Ryou.
---ooo---
"-Gorges Seurat was a Neo Impressionist who's art style was unique in the fact that he used tiny dots to add both texture and color to his paintings!" continued the narrating woman, who looked like she had way too much coffee and was restraining herself from strangling the camera man. "He is known to be the most intelligent artists of the post-Impressionist era, and he was also well known to bake cherry pies every moring and stuff them in his face and-"
BZZZT!
"YOU MUST ALL OBEY THE WILL OF MARIK!" said Marik on the screen, holding a pinwheel in front of the camera, which spun around quickly, making an almost hypnotic kind of swirl. "GIVE THE PUZZLE TO MARIK! OBEY! OBEEEEEEEEEEEY!"
BZZT!
"-with a banana while saying, in a very high pitched, silly voice, 'dinkle'," said the narrator. "Now then, the post impressionist era was also known as the 'Outright Crossdressing Era' in the fact that-"
"Wow! For some strange reason, I feel the need to give my puzzle to Marik!" said Yugi.
"Me too!" said Joey. "Hey Yugi, can I borrow your puzzle so that I can give it to Marik?"
"HEY! I WAS GOING TO ASK HIM!" said Tristan.
"YES! THOSE FOOLS!" said Marik, listening in from behind the doorway to the art room. "They are already beginning to become brainwashed, and soon they shall be nothing more than mindless pawns who will succumb to my plans utterly! FEAR MY HIGHER VOCABULARY! BWA HA HA HA!"
"Dude! Can you get out of the way?" said some guy from inside, trying to open the door, which Marik was blocking while listening in. "I need to go to the bathroom!"
"YOU CAN HOLD IT!" said Marik.
"Hi," said a dull, dead sounding voice behind him, and by turning around, Marik saw a little kid with spiky blue hair. "I'm Joku."
"I don't care," said Marik. "Now, continuing my rant-"
"My last names Zokida," said Joku.
"That's lovely," said Marik. "Anyway-"
"And my middle name's Julie," said Joku.
"Again, don't really care," said Marik.
"You look really stupid in a girls uniform," said Joku.
"Okay, you really need to shut up now," said Marik.
"I wet the bed this morning…my favorite color is purple…my mom thinks I'm a girl…"
"Why are you telling me all this?" said Marik awkwardly.
"I once kissed a moose…I'm wearing ladies underwear…I haven't used toilet paper in ten years…my dad says I'll grow up to be a hairdresser…"
"You know, I'm just going to ignore you," said Marik.
"My cat threw up this morning…I wet the bed so much my dad calls me Suzie water fountain…my friend use my butt for a hassock…"
"I really don't think we should be continuing this conversation," said Marik.
SWISH!
"I got your magic wand," said Joku, holding Marik's Millenium Rod.
"IT'S NOT A MAGIC WAND! GIVE IT BACK!" said Marik.
"Can't catch me," Joku dully, running away from Marik.
"WHAT THE HECK?" screamed Marik, sprinting after the weird little kid. "GET BACK HERE YOU PUNK!"
---ooo---
And now for a quick list of random goodness.
THINGS THAT I REALLY DON'T LIKE
When you can't drag yourself out of bed in the morning on a weekday, and then when it's the weekend, no matter how hard you try, you can't sleep in
When one side of your toast never seems to get properly toasted, and the other side is all burnt
When you want so badly to sleep, but you can't
When you get sick when the best food is served at the cafeteria
Sarcastic answers to serious questions
Serious answers to sarcastic questions
Reruns of shows you've already seen ten billion times, and you just want to see something new
When no matter how hard you look, you can't find an interesting book in the library
When you get to the phone on the last ring, and they hang up
Not being able to find that other shoe no matter how hard you try, and always finding it at the very end of the day
When you put your favorite shirt in the wash, and you never see it again for a month
When people talk about you behind your back when your only three feet away
When you're in a good mood, but everyone else is in a bad mood
When you're in a bad mood, but everyone else is in a good mood
When something gets passed out, and by the time it gets to you, all the good stuff's taken
When you feel like something special's going to happen, but it doesn't
One of those days when it seems like your bumping into anything
When you wear white in art class and someone across from you is doing chalk pastels
When your extra quiet, and something in the oven still sinks
When you take a test, walking away like you feel you got an awesome grade, and then you bomb it
When you have to run around when all you want to do is sit
When you have to sit when all you want to do is run around
When something you really need to work doesn't in a critical situation
When you don't know something it seems that everyone else knows
When everyone thinks you're joking when you're not
When someone says you're doing something right, and someone else says you're doing it wrong
When an invisible pole always seems to pop up behind you right when you turn around, so you smash right into it
Hey, what kinds of stuff do you hate when they happen?
NEXT TIME, a daring escape, Valon is reunited with his comrades, we learn more useless facts about Post-Impressionists, the fangirls close in on Tish, and even more randomness! See you next time!