Guh…dizzy…
Minor apology. The whole 'outsmarted by a five-year-old' thing will be explained in this chapter. I didn't have time in the last one (I was in a rush…again…)
Anyway, HUWAY! Welcome back to 'Tribute to the Lost Characters' part two! Enjoy the madness!
Chapter Twenty Five
THE SANITY PIXIE
In which Pegasus (kinda) gets hit by a car
"Alright…alright…we've moved from 'The Pougues' to 'Jimmy Lobster's All-Fanboy Band…we're close…" said Pegasus, walking down a small town in the suburbs of Domino City.
"This looks like a pretty bizarre place for a tome of ultimate insanity to be hidden," said Dartz, looking all around the white-painted houses, little gardens on the front lawn, and kids trying to run each other over with bikes and skateboards.
"HEY! STREET PERFORMERS!" screamed one kid, pointing at the three.
"SHUT UP YOU BRATZ!" yelled Ziggy.
"Still…something about this place is wrong…" said Dartz. "It just feels too…normal…"
"I know…no weaponz in sight…or crossdressers…or anything like that…" said Ziggy. "I feel so out of place."
"OH MY GOD! NO! NOT LONESTAR!" screamed Pegasus, ripping off the headphones and gasping in horror. "This is the house! This is where Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne is!"
He pointed to an especially normal looking house on the suburbs, the only difference was that this one had a wind chime on the porch that whenever the wind blew through it, it sounded like it was chiming a 'Ben Folds Five' song.
"Be careful men," said Dartz. "I've delt with insanity before, and the most insane places are guarded with facades of normal! Be on your toes…for all we know, when we ring that doorbell, a homicidal sponge may jump out and go for our jugulars!"
"Sweet!" said Ziggy, eagerly bouncing up the stairs and punching the doorbell, causing it to be dented so badly on impact, that it fell of the wall.
"Idiot…" said Dartz.
From behind the door, the sound of feet was heard scurrying toward it, and slowly, with a creak, the door opened to reveal a little, five-year-old girl with huge, bubbly green-blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair tied up in pigtails, and a little pink jumper opened up the door.
"Coow! Stweet pwefowmahs!" she said.
"HAND OVER LE TOMENIA D'EINSANIARNE ENVOY OF INZANITY!" yelled Ziggy.
"MEAN STWEET PWEFOWMAH!" screamed the little girl, slamming the door in Pegasus's face.
"Way to go," sad Dartz, knocking on the door again.
"Go away you fweeks!" yelled the little girl's voice from behind the door.
"Look, we don't want any trouble little girl…" said Dartz, in a sickeningly sweet tone. "Do you know what Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne is?"
"I SAID BEAT IT!" yelled the little girl.
"Look, we just want Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne, and then we'll be on our way," said Dartz. "Come on sweetie…we're not gonna hurt you…"
"Yeah wight!" said the girl from behind the door. "Wissen paw, I'd hafta be monumentwally shtupid to faww foh dat one!"
"That's a general turn down Dartz," said Peggy.
"We just want the tome!" said Dartz.
"I SAID GET LOST! OW I'WW CALL DA COPS!" said the girl.
"I think I'm starting to see the bit of difficulty in getting this plan to work," said Pegasus.
"You have a better idea?" asked Dartz.
"I do," said Pegasus. "Hey little girl! I've got candy!"
"GO DIE IN A DITCH!" she yelled.
"Well, that's all I got!" said Pegasus.
"You are an absolute moron," said Dartz. "Okay…just give me a minute to think this through awhile…"
---ooo---
Meanwhile in Randomland…
"Okay…I swear that's the third time I've seen that nuclear warhead," said Raffy, as they passed by a random weapons asylum on their way to random town. "Guy's we've been going around in circles."
"OH! LOOK! FOOTPRINTS!" yelled Bianca, excitedly pointing at the ground. "Let's follow them!"
"You moron! Those are our footprints!" said Alister. "Raffy's right. We have been going around in circles?"
"GIRLY MAN! HELP! MY HEAD TURNED INTO A FISH!" yelled Valon, who's head had, indeed, turned into a fish.
"Well it stinks to be your, moron!" yelled Alister, as 'Kevin' banged Valon on the head with his club, instantly restoring him back to normal.
"KEVIN! YOU MADE ME NORMAL AGAIN…I THINK I LOVE YOU!" yelled Valon.
"Ew," said Alister, as, after going around in a full circle, Bianca was right back where the other three were.
"HEY! YOU GUYS CAUGHT UP!" she said.
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS PLACE MUCH LONGER!" yelled Alister. "If I have to be immersed in this sanity for much longer, I swear, I'm going to die! AAAAAAAAH!"
He ran around, screaming at the top of his lungs, tugging at his girly red hair.
"Oh man, Alister's having another nervous breakdown…dang," said Raffy. "Oh well, can I hit him this time?"
Suddenly, with a poof, another teen appeared, this one was tall and thin like the others, but he had short, flyaway auburn-brown hair, really ticked off looking green-brown eyes, and pair of glue-on wings and a wand with a star at the end.
"Alright, enough of this stupidity," he said. "My name is Akiro the Sanity Pixie…whee."
"Wait, what's a sane thing doing here?" asked Raffy.
"I'm sort of the thing that keeps everything random," said Akiro. "You see, without something sane and not random, everything's just kind of random and insane, so in essence, insanity can't exist, because everything's insane, so that makes everything normal."
Silence.
"HUH?" screamed Bianca and Valon.
"Look, I'm not a bloody physics teacher, I'm a guide through this stupid dimension," said Akiro. "Now either you can cooperate and get out of here, or you can split hairs and let me leave you for emotional problem boy over there to rip you all to bits."
"I'M GONNA BEAT YOU ALL TO A BLOODY PULP!" screamed an angry looking, wicked-buff seventeen year old, wearing a shirt that said 'Emotional Problem Boy', and lugging around a huge club.
"We'll take cooperation," said Raffy.
"Good. Great. Wonderful. Ya-hoo," said Akiro, almost sarcastically. "Now then, there's only one way to get to random town, and it's usually by a random method. So we just have to find that method."
"That sounds, oh, I don't know, IMPOSSBLE!" yelled Alister.
"Nothing's impossible in Randomland," said Akiro. "Our moto is 'Your worst case scenario list is our to-do list'."
"How does that relate to anything?" asked Raffy.
"In no way, I just like freaking you people out," said Akiro. "None of you are secretly Italian, right?"
"I am," said Raffy.
"SHH!" screamed Alister and Valon.
"Alright…now what's the first thing that pops into your head when I hold up this card?" asked Akiro, holding up a blank, white card.
"BANANA!" said Bianca automatically.
"Then that means the way of teleportation to Randomtown is most likely via a banana," said Akiro. "Now go on, find it."
"Fine. Whatever," said Raffy, as the four began the search.
---ooo---
"This is soooo not going to work," said Pegasus.
"You have any better ideas?" asked Dartz.
"I'm sure whatever I think of is more likely to succeed," said Ziggy.
"Shut up you stupid kraut," said Dartz. "Just ring the doorbell!"
And so Ziggy did.
"Yes?" said the little girl, opening the door.
"GIVE US THE TOME ENVOY OF-" Ziggy started.
"SHUSH!" screamed Dartz, clamping a white-glove covered hand over Ziggy's mouth, as the three were now dressed in way-too-small white shirts, green dresses, and little buckle up black shoes. "Hello! We're girl scouts! Want to buy some cookies?"
"No tank you," said the girl.
"It's for a good cause!" said Pegasus. "We're raising money to cure stupidity!"
"Shtupidity is an hemotional qwawity, derfowe not a disease," said the little girl.
"Oh, as if some confused passerby knows anything about stupidity!" cried Pegasus. "Do you know just how many people are out their, writhing in hospital beds, or on the cold, hard ground in developing nations, begging for medical assistance, as we desperately try to scramble enough money to cure it!"
"Shtupidity ish not a disease you shtupid cwoss dwessahs!" said the little girl.
"IS THIS HOW JADED OUR SOCIETY IS?" screamed a forlorn Pegasus.
"Can…we at least go into the house?" asked Dartz.
"Why?" asked the little girl.
"To ransack the place," said Ziggy.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Dartz. "Of course we're not going to ransack the place….ha…we're just…uh, we want a glass of water!"
"Go dwink fwom da hose!" said the little girl.
"That's unsanitary!" cried Pegasus.
"But I though you said that we got to go in, viciously stuff the little girl into the closet, and then go on a mad spree to try to-" Ziggy started.
"WOULD YOU BOTH SHUT UP!" yelled Dartz in a very un-feminine tone.
"DIE WOOSAHS!" said the little girl, slamming the door on the two.
"I wanted to ransack the house!" said Ziggy, as Dartz violently slapped him, and Pegasus stuffed the hose in his mouth, turning on the faucet.
---ooo---
"Alright, did you losers have any luck?" asked Akiro, still sitting in the tree.
"It would be nice if you helped us out a little bit!" said Alister, trying to find the zipper to the cow suit that he was now stuck in.
"Hey! Look guys! Kevin's trying to beat me into a coma!" yelled Valon happily, as caveman-Valon-counterpart, was once again, attempting to bludgeon Valon.
"I couldn't find any traces of fruit anywhere!" said Raffy, pulling out a cardboard cutout of Madonna. "All I found was this…funny, it used to be a rock."
"What did you find?" asked Akiro to Bianca. With that, she waved her hands mystically in front of him, and with a goofy smile, she stuffed her hand behind Raffy's head, pulling out a banana.
"TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she said in a sing-song voice.
"Wonderful Pen and Teller," said Akiro. "Alright, just unpeel the banana then."
With that, Bianca ripped off the peel with one tug, and the instant she did, the scene switched from Random Forest into Randomtown! Yes, Randomtown (population 46292.814621), a place of progress, happiness…and pretty much everything else.
"IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!" said Valon, who then got hit by ten trucks.
"This is the most random town in our dimension," said Akiro, as the streets twisted and turned in very odd directions, and the people who walked down the road varied a great deal, from Indians to live underwear, from speedboats to ducks, from corn to people disguised as penguins. "You see, the city is built on top of ancient ruins, ones that are said to hone the core of the Purest Randomness. It's potent stuff…no one can possibly come in contact with it, and come back bearing all their undergarments."
"Great," said Alister. "SO HOW THE HECK IS THAT GOING TO HELP US?"
"Well, the entire town is ruled over by a wise old king," said Akiro. "Only he has the power to bend randomness to his will, because he holds the soul secrets to the random, the weird, and the isane."
"And where does he live?" asked Raffy, as Valon managed to get up from the place where he got run over by the cars, just in time for a stampede right through the center.
"No one knows," said Akiro, suddenly with a leprechaun hat on his head, causing him to rip it off angrily. "OH CRIPES! I hate it when that happens!"
"So we have to search out the whole town just to find him?" asked Alister, who was now wearing a blonde wig.
"Not necessarily," said Akiro, as Alister angrily ripped the wig off, causing the flock of cartoon birds to start chasing him again. "It is said that in the town there is an insane old woman whose senses are so sharp, she can predict exactly where random things are occurring. Perhaps she can direct us to the king."
"And where does she reside?" asked Raffy.
"We don't know that either," said Akiro, as Alister ran by, and Bianca tripped him, causing all the birds to turn into anvils, and drop right on top of Alister.
"Wonderful…" said Raffy.
---ooo---
"Okay, regroup," said Dartz. "Clearly now, we are dealing with a five-year-old sent from the gods of the underworld, one that is wise to such common schemes as disguise. We need to think beyond the mind of a five-year-old, maybe even a seven-year-old!"
"That sounds hard!" said Ziggy.
"Maybe for you, stupid German clot," said Dartz. "Okay…we've tried threats, disguise, and coaxing. Any ideas?"
"WE'LL BOMB THE HOUSE FLAT!" screamed Ziggy.
"Something is K?" asked Dartz.
"BOMB IT!" said Ziggy.
"Okay…got any ideas Uncle Pegasus?" asked Dartz.
"This reminds me of that romance novel I once read!" said Pegasus. "It was when Brittany had finally confessed to Justin, despite the fact that he was already dating someone, ten other women, and four guys! He then got hit by a truck, and Brittany gave him mouth to mouth to save his life! But then her father finds out that she's dating a guy who's dating fifteen other people and…wait! No it doesn't! Sorry!"
Silence.
"I envy that five-year-old…I really do…" said Dartz. "Wait! I just had a plan! One that is both constructive and wildly amusing for me!"
---ooo---
"Hewwo magic pony…" said the little girl, playing with her Baribie's on the kitchen table, as well as all of her 'My Little Ponies'. "It's such a lovely day isn't? Why, yes it is Mrs.-"
SCREEEEEEEEEEBANG! CLAKAclakaclakakakaaaaaaaaa….
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"What waz dat?" she said, immediately dropping all of her toys and rushing to the door. She opened the wooden door behind the screen, giving her a view of what was going on. On the street, she saw Pegasus writhing in pain, grabbing his side, his face screwed in horror.
"Ah…it got me…I'm hit…I'M HIT!" he screamed. "OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE!"
"Shomone hit da crazy lady!" said the girl in horror, opening the screen door and running toward the street. "SWEET! I wondah how much money's on her…"
"It's working!" said Dartz, as he saw the little girl race down the porch. "Quick! Get in before she figures out what she's done!"
As soon as the little girl's back was to the door, the two quickly scampered up the porch stairs and into the house, giggling like naughty children. The girl, meanwhile, knelt right by Pegasus's side, and eagerly began digging through his pockets.
"It was awful…" screamed Pegasus. "It came right out of nowhere…it can't have been an accident…it can't have…"
"Darn it, where did you put da shtupid wawwet?" asked the little girl, continuing to fish through his pockets.
"No…I can't go now…I need more time…there are so many things…" said Pegasus.
"AH! NOW WE'HE TAWKIN!" said the little girl, pulling out his wallet.
"NO! Tell my mother…I'm sorry…" said Pegasus. "ROSEBUD!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"TEETH! NO! BAD-AAAAAAAAARG!"
With that, Dartz and Ziggy both ran screaming out of the house, as two massive, muscular, drooling, not-nice looking pit bulls were barking madly at them, teeth bared, saliva dripping down their chops, barking angrily, and apparently leaving bite marks on the two in some very uncomfortable places.
"HA! SHTUPID WOMEN!" yelled the little girl, as the pit bulls continued to chase the two all the way down the road, and the little girl just casually skipped back inside, chuckling and counting the money in Pegasus's wallet, as he continued to lament on the public street.
---ooo---
"There's no way we're going to find anyone in this mess!" Alister yelled angrily, as insanity continued to reign supreme throughout the town.
"Can't you just do the banana thing again!" asked Bianca to Akiro.
"No, that only works once, unfortunately," said Akiro, as Valon was drooling next to a 'Victoria's Secret' window, while Kevin was suddenly fascinated with a little bug crawling on the sidewalk, which turned into an Alosaurus and bit his head.
"There's gotta be something we can do!" said Bianca chipperly.
"Hey, why don't we try that tavern that says 'Shady Bar Full of Shady People Who Often Provide Information to Random People'?" said Raffy, pointing to the tavern that had random graffiti drawn all over it.
"Worth a shot," said Akiro, as Raffy walked in, followed by Alister, Bianca, and Akiro. Valon continued to drool in the window, and Kevin, after the Alosaurus changed back into a beetle, began to chew on his own foot.
The tavern was a rather run down one, which was filled with people who were also incredibly run down. They all looked quite saggy, the saddest of the saddest lot of the random and insane, long past their random phase, now fallen into something that one would halfway consider predictable…but not quite.
"Alright mizz," said the bartender, cleaning off the blood from a large teddy bear. "Can Oi get yew started with a bang onna' 'ed?"
"BANG ON THE HEAD! BANG ON THE HEAD!" Bianca cheered, as she got clocked by a huge mallet the bartender pulled out.
"ALRIGHT!" yelled Raffy. "We're looking for someone who knows the location of the King of Randomtown! Does anyone know?"
"OH! OH! I DO! I DO! ME!" screamed some guy wearing a pink midriff, waving his hand wildly.
"Okay, where is he?" asked Raffy.
"HA…I don't know…" said the guy. "Can I have my hug now?"
"I know where he resides…" said a cackly old voice from the corner of the room. When the quad squad turned around to see who it was, their eyes fell on a tiny old lady, her hair in a long braid that spun all around her on the floor. She was wearing a long, black cape, but from under the hood, you could see two eyes alight between the wrinkles on her face.
"Please ma'am," said Raffy, rushing up to her, kneeling down to the spot where she sat on the floor, "tell us where he lives."
"I took him to the prom actually," said the old woman, sipping her brew from the cup that she held. "Course I needed to get him pretty drunk to take him…since I'm so old and all…"
"Please, you don't understand," said Raffy. "We came from another dimension and-"
"Boy, was it a wild night!" said the old woman. "Whoa…I think I still have that photo of him wearing the bra somewhere…"
"Tell us where he is right now you old hag!" said Bianca sweetly.
"SUCH A NICE GIRL!" said the old woman. "Okay…the location of the king is…"
---ooo---
Next time…A LOT OF RANDOMNESS! And outwitting attempts! And…I dunno! It'll be good though! Really!