Hey! I'm on time for once!
Happy belated Easter everyone! Oh, and just in case any of you are wonder, I'm sixteen now. Go me (waves flags).
Chapter Twenty Seven
THE STUPID MALE TO FEMALE RATIO
In which we learn about some peoples shaving habbits
"HEY! ONE PHONE CALL! WHERE'S OUR ONE PHONE CALL?" screamed Mobster, rattling the bars of the cell in the SPCA where she and Ryou were still trapped at the moment. "HELLO? DOESN'T ANYONE HERE ME? YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THIS! WE CAN CONVICT YOU ON YOUR OWN SYSTEM! THE-oh how's the escape plan going Ryou?"
"Ab-so-lut-lee peachy," said Ryou flatly.
"Good for you," said Mobster. "THE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"
"Well isn't that a shame," said Ryou.
"You're implying something, aren't you?"
"Oh no," said Ryou. "In no way, shape, or form am I implying that I have both a deep want and need for you to be quiet so that I can actually gather my thoughts together in any way necessary to ever get us out of this mess, nor am I implying that you're drawing attention to us, which is the exact opposite of what we need right now, nor am I implying that the sound of your voice is slowly dropping down the list of sounds that I like to hear, and is now currently residing between 'badly manicured nails on extra-new chalk board' and 'rusty chainsaw'."
"Thank God!" said Mobster. "I thought you were resorting to 'sarcasm' or whatever you punky obese males call your talkative yabber."
Ryou gave Mobster a look that looked like a cross between hatred, disgust, pity, amazement, and in a subliminal sense…mild amusement.
"You know, most people would try to extort your particular lack of mental advancement that would allow you to detect when people are insulting you non-directly," said Ryou.
"Huh?" asked Mobster.
"But I'm not the kind of person who saviors easy victories, dear woman," said Ryou. "Indeed, in the broad struggles of man as he tries to rise above the primitive tendencies that nature has doled upon the species, I feel that there is some who avoid dangerous battles as well as easy victories."
"Huh?" asked Mobster.
"No, if one doesn't resist the temptation to kill someone using dry humor, sarcasm, and subtle wit, then how can we possibly hope to avoid such other carnal urges, like war, and feuds, and violence?" said Ryou. "So I will sheath the sword, and bury the hatchet, though really, I'd like it if you shut up."
Silence.
"OH, THERE YOU GO WITH YOUR FAT-KID SLANG AGAIN!" said Mobster. "Holy heck! You're like so…myah…and then you say like…myah…and then…WHAT THE HECK DOES 'BURY THE HATCHET' MEAN ANYWAY!"
"ATTENTION ALL STEREOTYPES!" said a voice announcement over the FFPAS (Fan Fiction Public Announcement System). "ALL FEMINE LOOKING MEN OTHER THAN ONES IN THE NEXT SCENE MUST REPORT TO SCENE 78! THAT IS ALL AFEMINATE MEN AND/OR PRETTY BOYS NOT IN THE NEXT SCENE! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! I KNOW WHERE ALL OF YOU LIVE! THAT IS ALL!"
Click.
"Do I count?" asked Ryou.
"IN CASE YOU WANT AN EXACT DEFINITION, IF YOU HAVE EVER STARED IN A SHONEN-AI FIC, THEN YOU COUNT!" said the announcement. "END ANNOUNCEMENT!"
Click.
"Were kind of in the middle of a scene here!" said Ryou angrily.
"NOBODY GIVES A DARN IF YOUR IN A SCENE OR NOT! THAT IS ALL!"
Click.
Ryou just sighed and shook his head sadly to himself. With that, he swung around and walked right out of the scene.
---ooo---
"Marik Ishtar…we need to talk…" said Ebony Crow to our favorite dim-witted Egyptian loonie.
"You just said that," said Marik.
"What?" asked Ebony Crow.
"You just said that," said Marik. "You said we needed to talk, remember? In the concluding sentence thing to the last chapter chapter?"
"I did no such thing," said Ebony Crow.
Wavy Flashback Effects
"Marik Ishtar…" said Ebony Crow, leaping from the ceiling, landing right in front of Marik, causing both him and Odion to scream like little girls. "We need to talk…"
Back to Reality Effects
"Son of a gun…" said Ebony Crow. "Okay, whatever. Marik Ishtar, I have come to warn you."
"I know that the dreaded warlords the Powderpuff Pixies have hired hit men to do me in ever since I discovered their plans to destroy the world using glitter and extremely hard pillows!" said Marik. "DON'T TRY TO STOP ME WOMAN! I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!"
"Don't mind the rants, he's a Kindergarten Dropout," said Odion flatly, as Marik continued to rave about the Powderpuff Pixies. "Anyway, what's the warning?"
"For some reason, these dubbers are after Marik," said Ebony Crow. "They are ordered not to attack any other of the main characters until Marik is dragged into custody."
"WHO THE HECK DID YOU TICK OFF NOW MARIK?" yelled Odion at Marik, who was now pulling down a huge chart that said 'Why the Powderpuff Pixies Must Be Blown Up, Made Fun Of, and Blown Up Again, In No Particular Order'.
"Uh…" said Marik.
"IT'S MARIK ISHTAR!" screamed one member of a small group of dubbers, pointing angrily at Marik. "GET HIM!"
"Get out of here," said Ebony Crow. "I shall hold them off. NINJITSU SPELL DARK CLOUD SEVEN!"
With that, there was a huge cloud of black smoke that surrounded the dubbers. Odion then grabbed Marik by the hair, and with one pull, dragged him away from the mock ninja and the insane pencil fanatics. As the dust slowly cleared, in the center of the cloud lay a pile of red dubber robes with big eyed kittens sticking their head out from under them.
"So they have ninjas on their side…" said one of the dubbers-now-kittens. "Fine…we have something just as powerful…someone call HQ and have them send in…IT!"
---ooo---
"Don't any of you make any sudden moves," said the dubber, pointing the dub cannon at Azusa-chan and Tish. "Not unless you want to turn into Mibsy and Anne!"
"Hello!" said Azusa.
"QUIET!" barked the dubber. "Now…before you are given pathetic lines wrapped in slang nobody uses…tell us the location of Marik Ishtar!"
"I don't know!" said Tish angrily. "I'm trying to find him myself! As well as Bianca, that brainless little…but that's not the point! Put that thing down!"
"I'm the one who's going to make the orders here!" said the dubber.
"I'm Azusa!" said Azusa happily. "What's your name Dubber-san?"
"I'll be the one asking the que-" started the dubber. "Holy Cripes…I know you! You're the insane KaibaCorp AI experiment that's been beating the snot out of things!"
"Is that really what they call me?" asked Azusa.
"The boss has a good price on your head!" said the dubber with a smile. "Okay little android, you're coming with me!"
"That's not very-"
Before Azusa had a chance to finish her sentence, the dubber ripped out a device that looked like a TV remote, pointed it at Azusa, and with one push of a button, caused her optical units to cloud over, as she stood blankly forward for a moment, frozen. Then, she leaned forward and collapsed on the roof like a doll.
"What did you do!" yelled Tish.
"Just overrided her programming," said the dubber. "Don't want her to go on a butt-kicking spree now, do I?"
"Alright," said Tish, reaching under her coat and whipping out a super-mini plasma cannon (a more convininent form of mass destruction). "This has gone too far. Back off."
The dubber just smirked and aimed the dub cannon at the cannon, and with a burst of light, fired right on it. Tish shrieked in shock, and as the blast subsided, all that was left was her finger pointing at the dubber. The cannon was gone.
"Don't forget, this baby also has digitizing power," said the dubber. "Now…come quietly, or I'll digitize a few of your things."
Tish angrily growled, unable to find a way out of the situation. With pure rage coursing through her green eyes, she put her arms in the air, surrendering.
---ooo---
"I like Ice Cream!" said Bianca, happily skipping down the road as the deranged reporters continued to chase Alister, who was still only wearing the underwear, around on a public street, as Raffy's lack of medication once again kicked in, causing him to tie Valon to a tree and beat him repeatedly with a fish. Bianca had no ice cream in her possession, however, she did have banana, but in Bianca's mind, the thin line between bananas and ice cream was very slim, so it didn't make much of a difference.
However, with a shriek, she suddenly found herself falling forward, her face slamming hard into the pavement, shaking up her brain particle just a little bit.
"OH NO!" she screamed. "My dimwitted crime fighting partner senses are tingling! TISH IS IN TROUBLE! THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR-"
With that, she whipped around in a great big whirlwind, as all of her clothes sprayed off in various directions, her jacket falling right in front of the windshield of a car, causing it to wheel off the road, her skirt landing in Alister's face, causing him to accidentally rear in front of the oncoming car, causing it to hit him, then crash into a wall (not killing him, due to the fact that he was lucky enough that this story was rated K+). This caused a helicopter to fall out of the air and land in the center of the road, causing a ten car pileup.
"-BI-ANC-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" sung Bianca heroically, now in her skin-tight black leather suit, as her background was now a flaming mass of pure chaos. "Now…how to get to Tish…"
Now her natural selectiveness kicked in. Her first choice would have obviously been a donkey wheeled cart, but there seemed to be none around. She looked all around again…nope, no hover car either. She went slowly down her mental list, as firefighters, policemen, circus performers all rushed in to put out the fire and calm/entertain the citizens, eliminating camel caravan, jet skis, B-14, magical rainbow colored dragon, winged horse, tank, magical pink pony, and giant robot suit that sucked your blood out and then became one with your body as you ravaged through town destroying things. However, at last, she found item number ten right in front of her.
"STUPID AUSTRALIAN WANNA-BE!" she cried, spotting Valon, still tied to a tree, and still being beaten up viciously by Raffy. She then nimbly bound over to the two, kicking Raffy to the side with a power kick. With that, she ripped the rope off the tree, causing Valon exhaustedly to fall to the ground in pure exhaustion.
"THANK YOU….INSANE WOMAN…" screamed Valon both idiotically and pathetically, but he couldn't say any more, because Bianca stuck a reign bit in his mouth, and threw a saddle on his back.
"GIDDYEP AUZZIE!" said Bianca, kicking her heels in Valon's sides, and with a whinny, Valon reigned back, and began crawling on hands and knees like a horsy in the direction Bianca jerked.
---ooo---
"Sorry to bring you all here…" said Shrilanka-San, standing in front of the closet scene that we recently left off on, surrounded by pretty much every male in this story. "Wow…uh, have you all been in a-"
They all nodded.
"Ah," said Shri. "WELL! Okay, as I'm sure you have heard, Tea had recently…quit…"
SOMEWHERE IN BARBADOS
"Ah…that's the stuff…" said Tea, sitting in a beach chair in front of the ocean, being served an ice cold lemonade by a tall, muscular man.
---ooo---
"So basically…since we basically have no more female characters available, we need one of you to pose as Tea," said Shri.
"Awesome!" said Joey.
"No, not you Joey, you're in the same scene as Tea," said Shri.
"AW MAN!" said Joey.
"You're kidding," said Seto.
"Nope, one of you has got to be a girl," Shri.
"Why can't you make Mai or Serenity do it?" asked Pegasus.
SOMEWHERE IN BARBADOS
"OH NEVER MIND! WE DON'T NEED THE SCENE!" said Dartz.
"Oh come on, it's not so bad!" said Shri, as every single male in the crowd was giving her the most dirty and homicidal look they could muster. "Come one…one of you step forward! I know one of you wants to wear the skirt!"
This only caused angrier glares.
"I watch the show people! I know how you are!" said Shri.
More glares.
"DON'T BLAME ME!" said Shri. "BLAME THE STUPID MALE TO FEMALE RATIO!"
No one moved or spoke.
"Look, either one of you get your butts in gear and just wear the stupid skirt until we can find some other woman, or I'm just going to pick one of you!" said Shri. "And when I mean one, I mean I'll hire some thugs to really beat the juice out of the rest of you!"
The group of male characters quickly huddled up.
"Alright, who's it going to be?" asked Alister, looking around the group. "One of you just suck it up and bite the bullet!"
"What? Why don't you go?" asked Seto darkly. "You're the one running around in low-rise pants and the highest, skin-tight midriff I've ever seen! If they trimmed off one more inch, it might as well be a bra!"
"SHUT UP KAIBA!" yelled Alister. "You're the one who all the fangirls either pair up with Serenity Wheeler or her brother!"
"Watch it Fem-boy!" yelled Seto.
"Both of you shut up!" said Dartz. "This isn't getting us anywhere! Look…we're all…ah…somewhat 'in touch with our feminine side' to a degree. So really…"
Silence.
"Look, let's just gang up on someone and get it over with?" asked Ziggy.
"That seems kind of low," said Ryou.
"INDEPENDENT THINKER!" yelled Alister. "GET HIM!"
"Hey everyone!" said Ryo Bakura, walking in on the huddle up. "Sorry I'm late! I haven't shown up in awhile and I got lost and-"
He suddenly felt the members of the group stare hungrily at him.
"Change of plans," said Alister.
15.9 SECONDS LATER
"YOU PEOPLE ARE MEAN!" said Ryo, now wearing the pink girls uniform, the super-short blue skirt with box pleats, and since the boys were feeling especially malicious, a little pink bow tied in his hair. "THIS IS ALL GOING IN MY MEMOIRS!"
"Ryo…do you shave your legs?" asked Tristan out of curiosity, looking at Ryo's now-exposed white legs."
"…uh…of course not!" said Ryo. "I've been cursed with…ah…thing leg hair…"
"Whatever, just hand the kid a script and get this show on the road!" said Shri.
"WHAT?" asked Ryo.
"Oh yeah, just a brief fill in, Tea quit, we couldn't find a female replacement, and now you're the new Tea," said Shri.
"But…but I thought this was just a sick joke, then you were going to let me go!" said Ryo.
"Sorry man, you're our new woman," said Shri. "You're British, right? Just think of this as a Monty Python thing…"
"That's a stereotype!" said Ryo. "British people aren't all cross dressers!"
"Yeah, just Germans!" said Ziggy.
"You shut up!" said Dartz.
"I don't want to do this!" said Ryo, begging to Shri. "I mean, it's bad enough that I get stuck in Yami Bakura/Bakura fics! Do you know how sick the whole concept it!"
"Calm down, calm down," said Shri. "Look, I don't enjoy crossdressing…well, okay, I do…tremendously…probably much more than I should…but I don't enjoy it when it's against someone's will. So tell you what, I'll try to find someone else who's willing to-"
"LOOK NO FURTHER!" said the larger-than-life voice of our favorite Fubuki, strolling into the scene, fully decked out in the girls school uniform. However, if possible, he advanced the 'fem' feeling even more, by putting on lipstick and eyeliner, fake earrings, tying his hair back in a ponytail, and wearing huge, baggy socks.
"I'm ready to be Tea!" said Fubuki, waving proudly at the gang. "I even shaved my legs for the occasion! Oh, bill me for your razor Ryou."
Ryou looked utterly disgusted.
"Oh, look at this you loonies!" said Shri. "We burned way past the limit for this scene! Oh well, we'll have to try again next chapter."
Everyone in the scene groaned.
"SILENCE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, OR I'LL IMAGINE A REAL LIVING NIGHTMARE FOR YOU ALL!" said Shri, switching to dangerously insane authoress mode, causing all the others to cower back in horror. "That's better!"
---ooo---
"ODION, YOU'RE THE MEANEST PERSON ALIVE!" screamed Marik angrily, having another mini temper tantrum in the corner. "You pulled my arm and now it really, really hurts! AND YOU GOT LITTLE RED MARKS ALL OVER MY WRIST TOO! I HATE YOU ODION! HATE! HATE!"
"Oh, forgive me from saving you from living the rest of your live as a queened up brat," said Odion. "Perhaps you haven't noticed, but those people were trying to dub us."
"What the heck does 'dub' mean!" asked Marik angrily. "Does it mean that they're going to give us cake and presents?"
"No Marik, they're going to give us stupid names and dialogs for an even stupider version of this story," said Odion.
"So what?" said Marik. "Who cares? I DON'T!"
"Did I mention that they'll digitize out your shirtless top?" said Odion.
"I CAN'T HAVE A SMEXY CHEST?" asked Marik in horror.
"No," said Odion flatly.
"THAT'S IT!" screamed Marik angrily. "I DON'T KNOW WHO THESE DUBBERS ARE, BUT THEY MUST BE CRUSHED LIKED PATHETIC YET FUN TO SQUISH LITTLE BUGS! Alright Odion, go round up a bunch of them so we can beat them up!"
"…are you mad?" asked Odion.
"That ain't none of your business!" said Marik angrily. "Look, if you don't want to beat them up, then why don't we go to their leader and tell him to stop being a moron and call off the dubbers?"
"While we're at it, let's dress up like dear with huge targets on our backs and walk through view-obscuring groves during hunting season?" asked Odion.
"Who's the servant Odion?" asked Marik.
"I am Marik," said Odion.
"Who's the master Odion?" asked Marik.
"You're the master Marik," said Odion.
"Who da master?" asked Marik, putting a hand to his ear.
"You da master," said Odion dully.
"Say it louder!" said Marik.
"You da master," said Odion a little louder.
"Who's your daddy?" said Marik.
"Don't push it Marik," said Odion darkly.
"RIGHT!" said Marik. "And as your master…I say…WE SHOULD FOLLOW THAT GUY RIGHT THERE!"
Marik pointed to the dubber who was holding Tish at dubpoint, marching down a hallway that branched off the hallway he and Odion were looking down.
"Were you being serious about the dear suit thing?" asked Marik.
"Just follow her Marik," Odion muttered.
---ooo---
"I can't believe it…I just can't," said Asuka, as three knocked out dubbers lay next to both her and Shou. "We beat up three dubbers with the hopes of getting some useful information, and what happens? All we find is a case of lip balm, a few packs of Trident, and a can of Pepsi!"
"The lip balm really works though!" said Shou, re-capping the small, round case, as Asuka gave him a look. "What?"
"Nothing Shou, it's nothing," said Asuka. "Hey…what's that?"
She pointed down the hallway to a peculiar scene unfolding. Tish was still being held at dub-point at the hands of a lone dubber, and just as they were about to get to the end of the hallway, they stopped right next to a bulletin board. The dubber then twisted three push tacks, a red one, a green one, and a blue one, and with a click, the bulletin board popped up a bit, and with that, the dubber swung it over like a door hinge, revealing a small entrance code under it. With that the dubber typed in a code, and with that, another concealed portion of the wall slid open, revealing a long chamber at the end. With that, the dubber prodded Tish with the dub-o-matic, and forced her to walk down the hallway.
The door stayed open for a little while, and then it began to shut automatically. With that, Marik, while cackling insanely, quickly snuck through the rapidly closing gap, Odion sighing and following through it, as it closed automatically. The bulletin board then closed itself as well, clicking to lock itself shut.
"That must be where their hideout is," said Asuka.
"Do…do we have to go in?" asked Shou.
"You bet," said Asuka.
---ooo---
Ebony Crow admired her work, the dubbers now nothing more than a pile of kittens trying to stuggle out of the pile of linens that were their thick, heavy robes. She put the ninjitsu spell back in it's case, and quietly stuffed it into her belt.
"EBONY CROW!" cried Red Dwarf, running to her as fast as she can, still wearing her 'DUMBARSE' t-shirt. "Ebony Crow…thank God…I found you…"
"What is it?" asked Ebony Crow.
"It's the dubbers!" she cried. "They've taken over HQ!"
---ooo---
Next time, the horror of dubland, 'it', which turns out to be a insane being beyond mortal comprehension, and…the truth behind who's the head of the operation? See you next time!