Dysfunctional Relationships

"Say, Toby, I've been thinking…"

"Yeah? Mazel tov. I'll go break out the champagne."

"Yeah, piss off and die, why don't you?" Zephyr grumbled.

The blue-haired hunter sitting next to Zephyr laughed. "Sorry about that. So what's on your mind?"

"Now that the war against Ghast is over, well, I dunno, what do you think?"

"I don't follow."

"It's just that I've been fighting this war for so long. It began before I even graduated from the Novice Academy and I was drafted for the army right after I became a swordsman. And now that it's over… I dunno. What am I supposed to make of it?"

Tobias gave a sigh. The hunter and knight were sitting in a small tavern on the outskirts of Geffen, spending a night out. It had been hardly a year after the war had reached a conclusion and, for the first time in eleven years, the armies of Rune-Midgard didn't have much to do.

"I guess I feel the same way, sometimes," Tobias said, "I'm only a bit older than you, y'know. I also spent my life fighting the war. I guess it's kind of hard to live the quiet life after you've been jaded by war and death for over a decade."

Zephyr idly traced his finger on the rim of the mug.

"I guess since the Chivalry doesn't need to draft knights right now, you can just settle down here in Geffen," Tobias suggested.

"I'm not used to it."

"Hm?"

"I'm not used to just sitting around."

"You're not a vagabond. You're a distinguished knight. You have family to look out for. Just settle down here in Geffen and live with them, for Odin's sake."

"…I want to go out and see the world. Not through the eyes of a soldier, but through the eyes of an adventurer," Zephyr wistfully said.

"You're retarded," Tobias said flatly.

Zephyr gave a sigh. Suddenly, the falcon perched on Tobias's shoulder gave a sharp cry. Tobias hardly had time to say "Oh shi-" before the tavern door slammed open, revealing a violet-haired priestess dressed in an immaculate set of black robes.

"Tobias, what are you doing?" the priestess asked with a sugar-sweet smile and honeying voice. Her voice and visage were those of divinity personified.

"…Nothing, dear." Tobias was sweating bullets.

"Would that be, heaven forbid, alcohol in your hands? You wouldn't be foolish enough to be drinking alcohol, would you?" the priestess continued to ooze a sweet demeanor. She slowly started walking forward.

"Ah, Selavie. Pleasant day, ain't it?" Zephyr grinned at his friend's predicament.

"Yes, indeed, Zephyr." Selavie smiled at Zephyr. She stood right behind Tobias, who didn't dare look behind him.

"Dear…" Tobias hesitantly began.

Without another word, Selavie pulled a Mighty Staff out of her robes and clobbered Tobias across the back of his head. He dropped like a rock. His falcon gave a squawk, hopping off Tobias right before he collapsed.

With a heave, Selavie picked up Tobias and slung him over her shoulders. "Well then, good day, Zephyr. I must go home and discipline this disobedient husband of mine."

"G-good day." Zephyr gave a weak smile. Selavie walked out the bar with the same honey-sweet smile she had beforehand. Tobias's falcon was perched on the comatose man's back.

With a sigh, Zephyr downed the rest of his drink and lay his head down on the counter. At least he was safe…

"Zephyr, what are you doing?" A soft voice came from the doorway.

Zephyr's eyes popped open. That voice.

"Oh shit." Zephyr looked up to see a monk standing in the doorway, a smirk on her face.

"Didn't I say you couldn't have alcohol?" The monk asked. Zephyr was sweating bullets.

"Diane… I thought you were out of town with the kids," Zephyr asked, panicked.

Diane smiled, "We got back early. I was afraid you'd be getting in trouble. And look, here you are!" Diane started walking towards Zephyr.

"Uh, listen, I can expla-" Before Zephyr could finish his sentence, Diane socked Zephyr in the gut with her Studded Knuckles. Zephyr wouldn't wink out of consciousness that easily, so Diane proceeded to knock the stuffing Zephyr with a flurry of fists.

The bartender sighed. It was the same every time. At least it drew customers, amused by the abusive wife and her hapless husband. He could already hear people placing bets on how long the poor knight would last before he fell unconscious.

A/N: Took me a while to actually write this up. Fah. Nothing else to say, for I am a serial rambler. Mu fu fu.