If you have any questions or comments…SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH IT!
Alright people, we are officially in the home stretch. Yes, we are slowly drawing closer to the end…SOB! Boy, the 'School' thing took a long, looooooooong time. In fact, this entire story has ended up to be twice as long as I thought it was going to be.
Also, this is sort of like the last chapter that we'll see a lot of these characters for awhile, so once again…we'll she very little of Marik and Odion. Terrible! Anyway, here we go.
Chapter Thirty One
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
In which we see everyone other than Marik and Odion for the last time until some unknown period in the future
"Stupid Rope…" said Tish, kicking the knot of rope to one side, slowly walking out from the room that only a few minutes before she'd been held captive into the dark hallway. "Well, this mission's been a complete failure. I come here to crack down on Marik, and I get sucked into a plot line that twists so much, it resembles a snake on cold medicine."
"We're…ALIVE!" screamed Shou, feeling the freedom of being in an atmosphere that wasn't pink, and the freedom of having his actual name. "OH MY GOD! THIS IS GREAT! I LOVE THE WORLD! I LOVE EVERYONE!"
"Yeah, except this mission is a complete failure," said Asuka. "We come to stop the evil from resurrecting. It did. We then try to stop dubbers from taking over the school. They did. So really, we have nothing to show for ourselves except the fat that we have been sucked into a plot line that twists so much, it resembles a-"
"-snake on cold medicine?" asked Tish, walking into the scene.
"Took the words right out of my mouth," said Asuka, getting up and massaging the back of her head. "Great…well, at least the dubbers are gone."
"Actually, they're just regrouping," said Tish. "I got caught in an angsty monologue, and it turns out that they're going to take over the world."
Silence.
"No amount of sarcasm can possibly portray how much I wish that the world was an actual person so I can strange it, beat it senseless, and do incredibly rude things to its limp, lifeless body," said Asuka.
"It doesn't help that team DT's missing and Fubuki's probably running wild somewhere," said Shou.
"Don't remind me," said Asuka. "Our life is just like a bottomless pit of 'and by the ways'. This mission was a complete flop. HQ's going to be on my rear for an indefinite amount of time. I wouldn't be overly surprised if we got so demoted that most janitors are above us in status."
"Same here," said Tish. "I came here to arrest a guy, and I end up getting sucked into a plot line, fighting ninjas, losing my partner, and beating up a guy and stuffing him in a closet," said Tish. "What's worse is that I don't even have a clue where Marik is."
"Oh, he just came by here," said Asuka. "He and his insane henchmen left, saying something about sobbing in a corner at the top of his lungs with Red Dwarf, and Ebony Crow said something about planting flowers in the memorial garden."
"Really?" said Tish. "Well, this could actually save my rear. Thanks!"
"Wait," said Shou. "Hey, if you could, could you stick around and give us a hand? We're kind of in a mess."
"Sorry, I've got my own problems at the moment," said Tish. "Just…just give me a few minutes, I'll catch up with you, okay?"
With that, she ran down the hallway at full speed, seeing if there was any way she could catch up with Marik. Asuka just sighed, brushed herself out, and began using her intense powers of a sane mind to think up a plan to somehow turn the tables on everything.
"So anyway…now what?" asked Shou.
"Well...I suppose the big priority is stopping the dubbers," said Asuka. "They have the evil, power, and random weaponry that envies the power of the evil one herself…what would you estimate the numbers are Shou?"
"A MILLION BAZILLION TO ONE!" said Shou with a salute.
"Then we're obviously either going to need a weapon of ultimate destruction, or some sort of horror that could be used to counter a massive amount of insane evil…"
Silence.
"THE EXECUTIONERS AX!" said Asuka.
"THE HAPPY CHORUS!" said Shou.
Silence.
"Okay, I'll hunt down the portable weapon of frigheteningly amusing amounts of destruction, you hunt down the happy chorus!" said Asuka. "Meet me in front of the school in oh-one hundred hours. And Shou…"
"Yeah?" asked Shou, about to turn around.
"Don't screw up," said Asuka firmly.
---ooo---
"NOOOOBODY KNOOOOOOWS HOW DRYYYYYYY I AAAAAAAAM…oh, wait, that's not a prison song," said Mobster, tapping her fingers against the bars of the cell. "Darn…I don't know any good prison songs. Drinking songs, graduation songs, breakup songs, songs that you sing when your in love with homicidal maniacs…I guess people sing, like, gospel songs or something."
Silence.
"I wonder if Sarah McGlaclin Songs count…" she said.
Ryou slowly dragged himself back into the prison cell with an extremely peeved look on his face, plopping himself down into a corner, with a look in his eye that he usually reserved for killing people at twenty paces. He just sighed and waited for it. He know she was going to say it. Wait for it…wait for it…
"Where the heck have you been fatso?" asked Mobster.
"Here and there," he muttered darkly.
"Don't care," she replied. "Hey, you know any gospel songs?"
"I know an old folk song that consists of ten thousand solid measures of nothing but rests," said Ryou. "Know it?"
"What?" asked Mobster.
"Thought so," said Ryou.
Mobster just tapped her finger against her head, desperately trying to remember all the words of 'Inna Gada Davida'. For a moment, the room gently echoed with the frantic barking off all the pound animals.
"Have I mentioned how utterly comforting it is to vent out my anger and frustration by indirectly insulting you or using phrases that don't register in your vocabulary?" asked Ryou.
"Huh?" asked Mobster.
"Ssh," said Ryou suddenly, putting a finger to his ear. He heard something in the distance…something that was heading this way.
"Don't you shush me fat kid!" said Mobster angrily. "Figures, you think you can just go shushing me when I'm just wondering what the heck you said!"
"Something's coming…" sad Ryou.
Their voices like the sirens of death…
"-my god, you're like, the most annoying person alive!" said Mobster. "Always acting stupid…impeding my street cred…"
…they have no souls, nor will…
"Boy, do I wish the guys were here," said Mobster. "And…ice cream! I really wish we had some ice cream here! Especially Cookies and Cream!"
…they have become lost in the crevices of time, never to find their way out…
"Come to think of it…really, why did they choose Oreo cookies to be the crumbly bits in Cookies and Cream?" thought Mobster. "There are about a zillion varieties of cookies in the world…pecan…butterscotch…peanut butter…"
…with only enough will left in their soulless corpses to do as their most primal, inhuman instincts enjoin…nothing more…nothing less…
"Those voices…" Ryou said, as the rumbling grew louder, causing the little bits of stone on the floor began to vibrate wildly.
"And why don't other cookies try to get their own ice cream flavor seeing how popular cookie dough and cookies'n'cream have become?" asked Mobster. "I mean, how come Toll House hasn't tried to get in on the action? Or Keebler House…and come to think of it, how come all those cookie companies end their names with 'house'? Is it like a-"
"GET DOWN!" yelled Ryou, grabbing Mobster by the wrist and throwing both of them flat against the wall. He didn't do it a moment too soon, because the wall that she stood right in front of only a moment before suddenly exploded, causing the entire cell to be consumed in a cloud of rubbled. Running through it were a very sick mix of people wearing t-shirts and pants, cosplayers, and just plain loonies.
"AXEL SELF DESTRUCTED!"
"A BEAUTIFUL COMBINATION OF TEAR-FILLED, DEEP PASSION, AND UTTER CHEEPNESS!"
"WHOOOOOOOAH THE FINAL BOSS IS LIKE MAAAAAAAAAAR-"
"I WANT TO MARY MEGA BUFF RIKU!"
"AXEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!"
"Some idiot must have summoned a hoard or Kingdom Hearts II Fans!" yelled Ryou over the din in horror.
"How unprofessional!" yelled Mobster back.
"Oh my God! They're using the unbridled power of a KH2 driven frenzy to smash the bars using nothing but their own bodies!" said Ryou, saving the author the trouble of describing the scene. "Wow…that's creepy."
With that, the bars to the pen door exploded, and the cries of cats and dogs were completely drowned out by the sounds of pounding, rubber-bottemed sneakers and rants screamed at incredibly loud volumes as the fans stampeded through the SPCA.
"…I'm going to be so mad if they blame us for this…" said Ryou, looking at the room, which was now just a huge pile of plaster, metal, and a few panes of glass that were shattered on the ground.
"HEY! NOW THAT THE TROUBLESOME WALL HAS BEEN DESTROYED, WE CAN NOW ESCAPE TO FREEDOM!" said Mobster, pointing out to the huge hole that once was a supporting wall. "At last! I knew standing around and doing nothing would eventually reward us in the end!"
"I don't quite get your logic, but sure," said Ryou.
"FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" yelled Mobster, bounding about five steps until she was on the sidewalk, Ryou taking his sweet time following her up. "At last! The air echoes with the sounds of freedom! The grass is the color of freedom! The sky is…something related to freedom! At last! LIBERATION!"
"Great," said Ryou. "Now, just a suggestion, but I really think we should try to find a way to get back to the group without getting ourselves arrested three times in a row."
"Oh please!" said Mobster, waving her hand. "As if we have anything to worry about! We're free, the cops are probably off our case by now, and even if those freaks at the SPCA tried to throw us back in jail, they can't, because it's nothing but a pile or rocks!"
"I can't help but feel like this entire area is very prone to violent, cruel irony," said Ryou. "Just to be on the safe side, I think it would be a good idea to-"
"NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION FAT KID!" yelled Mobster.
"Yeah, that's them alright," said a very short, huge-eyed boy with curly blonde hair. "Ryou Marafuji. He's one of the guys Tenjoin listed on his 'My Space' buddies list. Huh, don't know who the girl is though."
"We got a conformation," said a girl sitting next to him in the cop car, also with dark brown eyes, but also with long, brown, almost black hair. "Mobster. She's working with the replacements for DT, a team that died a couple of years ago with no one noticing until recently."
"Right. There the ones we're looking for," said the boy.
"Indeed," said the girl. "Proceed with the arrest."
---ooo---
"And this is one of the many school campuses that have been prone to an unknown meteorological disease which most people refer to as 'weird'," said a newscaster in front of the school alley near a huge row of garbage bins. "In this particular alley that we will now do a long, strenuous, and horribly portrayed news documentary on, there has been a bizarre tendency for certain people to have large musical instruments dropped on their-"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!
"HAPPY CHORUS!" cried Shou, wandering through the masses of garbage bins, completely ignoring the fact that there was a madly twitching man that was being crushed by a grand piano. "WHERE ARE YOU! HAPPY CHORUS!"
He looked all around the alley, still ignoring the twitching newscaster, as the camera man walked over and began to see how much money he had on him.
"They must be in one of those huge garbage bins!" said Shou, walking over to the dumpsters, which in their better days, were a bright, rich green, but were now covered so thoroughly in slime, bacteria colonies, and other unpleasant entities that it was now more of a dull, green-gray. He walked up to one of them, and gave them a firm hammering with his fist on one of them, pressing his ear up to it, and listening for any sounds coming from within it. Having no luck, he walked up to the next one.
"HAPPY CHO-" he started, but the second that he did, a tall, dingy looking female threw open the lid to the dumpster and popped out. She looked to be in her forties, but due to the fact that she lost all her teeth, her hair was a rats nest, and her clothes were more reminiscent of the sickest, saddest, greasiest weasels that ever graced God's good earth, the runts of their sick, sad, greasy litters, that had all came to this woman and decided to die in a particular formation that resembled a coat, she looked much, much older.
It was love at first sight.
---ooo---
"Okay…if memory serves…the last time that I saw the Executioners Ax…it was somewhere near that one classroom with the deranged court case," said Asuka, walking up the stairs. "Yeah…my memory is kind of blurry after being thrown out of third story windows, putting out fires, being turned into a five year old, getting sucked into dub land…"
"IT'S COMING TO KILL UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!" screamed a bunch of boys running down the hallway, as Asuka had to step back to avoid getting trampled by a hoard of idiots.
"HE'S GONE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" screamed another.
"…Fubuki?" asked Asuka.
"IT'S LEONARDO DAVINCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
WoOoOoOoOoOoOoO-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Asuka couldn't help but cry out in horror as a huge beam of proton energy nearly blaster her arm off, as more screams echoed down the hallway. The second she turned to look at the source, there indeed was Leonardo Da Vinchi, except he was dressed like someone from 'The Terminator', with a long trench coat, skin-tight gloves, and a metal eye patch that made him look like a cross between a human, a robot, and a homicidal maniac.
And he was holding the Executioners Ax.
"Of course…of course…" said Asuka, slapping her head into her hand. "Okay Leonardo, game over. You've been dead for more than half a millennium. You're not a kid anymore. It's technically impossible that you can even hold that thing, considering that you are dead, and by the laws of decomposition, your body has been destroyed about four hundred years ago."
"No it hasn't!" said Leonardo.
"Look, I know this whole 'Da Vinchi Code' thing has really been putting a swing in your step, but seriously, YOU ARE DEAD!" said Asuka.
"Am not!" said Leonardo. "I am…THE TERMINATOR!"
"Give me the Executioner's Ax," said Asuka.
"What, this thing?" asked Leonardo. "Why the heck do you call it 'The Executioner's Ax?"
"Other than it's a miracle that a bunch of people aren't dead after all of this random violence?" asked Asuka.
"NEVER!" said Leo, pointing the huge cannon right at Asuka. "YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY THIS TOOL OF MINDLESS CHAOS FROM MY COLD, DEAD-"
---ooo---
"Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen…" said Leo, walking down the hallway, counting crisp new bills as Asuka totted the Executioner's Ax off the scene.
---ooo---
"Wow…the fans completely destroyed the bus…" said Tohru in disbelief, staring at the twisted heap of mental that lay on the ground that used to be a mass transportation vehicle.
"That is why it is dangerous to summon such a grave power…" said Yuki solemnly.
"Shut up Rat," said Kyo.
"WOOT! That was totally cool!" said Fubuki, as ASV and Double S's eyes were both twitching in horror. "DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!"
"Fubuki, you don't live near any mercury plants, do you?" asked Kisa.
"Okay, next problem," said ASV. "We're still need to get to the school, and we currently don't have a ride, or for that matter, any random henchmen we can ride all the way to the school and slam into a telephone pole."
"Whoa," said Tohru.
Silence.
"So…now what?" said Kisa.
Silence.
"Maybe we should try to hail a taxi?" asked Double S.
"No, that wouldn't work," said Fubuki. "I read somewhere that people who hail taxis suffer violent deaths attributed to steam rollers, and people who do send this letter to ten other people usually get a raise…wait, that's not right…okay, there was one story about a woman who tried to hail a taxi and she walked into a bar…no, that was that joke I heard on Comedy Central last night…"
"Maybe we should just hitch hike?" asked Tohru.
"I doubt many cars can maneuver around a huge, destroyed carcass of a bus," said Yuki.
"Hey! Look! I see a car heading toward us right now!" said Kisa.
"Two prison breakouts, destroying a highway using nothing but a beat up jalopy, eluding a police arrest, using an unlicensed duck…my my," said the girl, flipping through the file. "My congratulations…I have never seen quite an impressive record in the span of a few hours…"
"I blame my upbringing and the media," said Ryou, sitting in the back of the car, firmly handcuffed next to Mobster.
"I blame him," said Mobster, also handcuffed, except hers were fuzzy and pink.
"Well, I'm sure we'll get a firm enough explanation out of all of you when we take you downtown to…what the…" said the boy, staring down the road.
There was the most horrifying sight anyone had ever seen. Kyo had somehow managed to roll up his pant leg all the way to the top, revealing a very long, very hairy leg that he stuck out into the road, a cheesecake smile plastered onto his face.
"OH MY GOD! IT'S ONE OF THE SOHMA BOIZ!" screamed the girl. "Pull over man, we need to stop him!"
"IT'S WORKING!" said Tohru. "Their stopping!"
"Okay…it was a man, and a woman…and a…cat? No, it wasn't a cat…" said Fubuki, tapping his chin thoughtfully.
"FREEZE SCUM!" screamed the boy, as he and the girl jumped out of the car, toting a pair of hand held water guns at the gang as soon as the car came to a halt. "DON'T ANY OF YOU MOVES, OR I'LL MAKE YOU ALL WET AND YUCKY!"
"WET AND YUCKY!" cried Yuki, as all four of the Sohma's shot their hands up in the air.
"Wait, hang on!" said ASV.
"SHUT UP YOU!" said the girl.
"Who do you serve?" called Double S.
"We're with STUPID," said the guy. "We're working under the SMCD, the Shojo-Manga Character Division. And we've been after this little group for quite awhile now…"
"What do you mean?" asked Double S.
"I'm Kagura Sohma, and he's Momiji Sohma," said Kagura. "We're here to stop these two gangs from blowing themselves into oblivion, and taking the whole world with them!"
"Chill out!" said Kisa. "We're under a truce! We're here to help Fubuki stop a group of Dubbers, and we need to get to the school to do it!"
"DUBBERS!" screamed Momiji in horror. "SAY NO MORE! All of you, get into the car! We'll get you to the school in no time!"
"But I don't think that will fit all of us…" said Tohru.
"Don't be ridiculous, there's plenty of room!" said Kagura. "Now all of you, get into the car."
"MOBSTER! There you are!" said ASV, staring in the window, already heading to the car when it was ordered to be so. "What the heck are you doing in there!"
"I got arrested…again!" said Mobster, holding up her hands. "Look! HANDCUFFS!"
"Ooooh," said ASV, and Double S, who had just gotten up next to the car, as Ryou just shook his head and sighed.
---ooo---
"Okay, so there was a girl, a guy…a pony…" Fubuki rambled.
"Honestly, could you stop talking?" asked Yuki, as seven people somehow managed to cram themselves very uncomfortably in the back seat. "It's digging into my hip."
"Hey, where's Ryou?" asked Fubuki.
"We strapped him to the roof!" said Mobster cheerfully.
"Why does it seem that the world just loves to watch me suffer?" asked Ryou to himself, as he gripped himself tightly to the roof the car, not trusting the Granny Knot that was tied to support him.
---ooo---
"Shou! I did it!" said Asuka, running toward the alley, hopping over the squished man and the piano. "You won't believe this but-"
Asuka stopped in mid-sentence. All she could see was a huge note that was spray painted across one of the dumpsters in huge, red letters-
Gone to get married to Darlene the Hobo in Vegas. Don't wait up.
-Shou
"SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" screamed Asuka.
---ooo---
"Stop crying already Marik," said Odion, as Marik sobbed pathetically near the tree, though he didn't put a lot of feeling into it, because he was absentmindedly breezing through a mail-order catalog.
"No…no…I didn't get the puzzle…no…" said Marik. "I'm out of ideas…Yugi's gone…don't know what to do…feeling dizzy…ach…"
"HI THERE!"
Marik turned to see where the sudden, cheery voice came from, turning to see…a television. I'm sure that you can all see where this is going.
"Are you stupid?" asked a huge, grinning salesperson on TV.
"…yes…" said Marik.
"Do you have no individuality whatsoever?" asked the salesperson.
"Uh huh…" said Marik.
"Do you have a bizarre need to wear ladies underwear?" asked the salesperson.
"Yeah," said Marik.
"Are you severely physical and emotionally scarred for no good reason besides the fact that you get bored and attempt to hurt yourselves in various ways?" asked the salesperson.
"OH MY RA! THIS IS TOTALLY ME!" said Marik.
"Do you have a wart on your butt?" asked the salesperson.
"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!" said Marik.
"Do you have a whole lot of money that can be easily stolen and get claimed that it's lost?" asked the man.
"TALK TO ME TV!" said Marik.
"Then you need to come to the Mystic Caves of Inanity!" said the salesperson, as a picture of a dark and scary looking cave appeared on the TV screen. "For more information, call the number on your screen!"
"ODION! I NEED TO WRITE ON YOUR BALD HEAD!" said Marik.
"YOU KNOW I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT THAT!" said Odion.
---ooo---
Next time…INSANITY! See you then!