"A light heart lives long."
-William Shakespeare
Remember way back when, to a time the opening thing was supposed to be a piece of witty, wisdom-filled advice?
No, I can't either.
Okay, I seriously need to get motivated. I haven't touched my RPGs in days, not to mention that I haven't answered any of your reviews for the past…what…two weeks? Ugh…I'm awful! Don't worry, I'll get it all done…somehow…
Chapter Thirty Two
DAME WITH A BAT
In which a phone explodes
Theorem 12-14: An angle consisting of two tangents, two secants, or a tangent and a secant, is equal to exactly half of the smaller arc that the two intersect subtracted from the larger one.
"No…that's not it…hang on…"
Theorem 7-9: If two lines intersect the opposite points or a kite, then the angles formed will all be right.
"Gah…darnit…that's not it either…"
Theorem 4-11: If two parallel lines are intersected by another, then the interior angles on the same side will be supplementary.
"THAT'S NOT IT EITHER!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs, throwing the innocent geometry book that he was combing through as best as his attention span deprived little brain could handle over his shoulder and out the glass window of the small house in the suburbs, causing it to crack the skull of several idiots who the author happens to know who have severely annoyed the author on that particular day, causing them all to receive minor injuries.
"ODION! WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER TRUST?" asked Marik, pointing at poor Odion, who just happened to be walking by the room. Odion could tell by the shattered window and a few shards of glass that fell out of the pane and onto the floor that Marik was having one of his 'hormone' moments.
"I hope you don't expect me to clean this up," said Odion, which of course, he did.
"WHAT IS THE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER TRUST!" Marik continued to rant.
"Politicians? Church leaders? Artificially flavored cereals?" asked Odion.
"Well…you should never trust any of them…except…" said Marik, pulling up a box of Cocoa Pebbles from between the couch cussions, giving it a huge hug, and shoving it back in. "But there is one thing that you should NEVER EVER trust…and that is…MATH!"
---ooo---
"HE LIES FOOLS!" screamed the M4THL33TZ, who were being questioned in a government facility that's wicked top secret, and with government laws that regulate that we can't describe it's location for the safety of it's clients and staff.
Despite how much we'd like to.
---ooo---
"Oh, because heaven knows math has never benefited us in real life," said Odion.
"EXACTLY!" said Marik. "I mean, when are we going to use this stuff in real life? Are we just suddenly going to be walking down the road, and get mauled by some circle because it's circumscribed or whatever! IT MAKES NO SENSE! Plus it does nothing to aid us in our modern day life styles! It won't even tell us how to type in the letters onto phones!"
"Excuse me?" asked Odion.
"Yeah!" said Marik. "The phone number for those 'Caves of Insanity' thing was '1-800-MONKEYS', and guess what? THE PHONE ONLY HAS NUMBERS ON IT!"
"The keys are lettered Marik," said Odion.
"What?" asked Marik.
"The keys. They're lettered," said Odion, pointing to the telephone dial.
"NO THEY AREN'T!" said Marik. "I already checked it, and all it has is numbers!"
"The little letters NEXT TO the keys Marik," sad Odion, pulling over the portable phone next to Marik. "See? These ones right here? Like 'M' is next to the six, so you press six. So 'Monkeys', when numbered out, actually is 666-5397."
Marik stared at the phone for awhile.
"No way…" said Marik. "THAT'S SO BRILLANTLY COOL! How did you figure all of that out Odion?"
"It's kinda obvious…" said Odion. "I mean…what did you think it was for?"
"I thought it was to help you remember the alphabet when you were talking on the phone for people who aren't good at multitasking!" said Marik.
"…that's somewhere in your thought process, so I'll let it go…" said Odion. "Still…here."
He quickly dialed the phone number onto the key pad, then handed the phone to a stunned Marik, who just stared at it for a few seconds. He then slowly pressed it to his ear and listened to the ring tone.
"Hello!" said a friendly, yet blankly robotic sounding female voice. "Welcome to the Caves of Insanity automated service! Please tell us your name!"
"MARIIIIIIIIIIIK!" yelled Marik.
"Hello-MARIIIIIIIIIIIK!" said the voice. "Please enter your IQ, and then press the star key!"
Marik counted on his fingers for a brief second…did a little math in his head…and then pressed '8' on the dial. He then just stared blankly at the keys, eyes almost glazed over.
"Please enter your IQ, and then press the star key!" the voice repeated.
Marik continued to do nothing but stare at the dial in a look of both awe and confussion.
"Please enter you IQ, and then press the star key!" the voice repeated.
"The…star key?" asked Marik.
"Yes, the star key!" said the voice.
"I…" Marik said, staring at the phone.
"Please enter your IQ, and press the star key!" said the voice.
"I don't know…what the star key is…" said Marik.
"Are you serious?" the voice asked.
"Yes Ms. Voice Recording, ma'am," said Marik.
"Massive amount of idiocy detecting!" said the robotically happy voice. "Commencing self detonation!"
"What does self-detonation mean?" asked Marik.
"Have a nice day!"
BAM!
With that, the telephone completely exploded in Marik's face, consuming the room in a huge cloud of black smoke, completely obscuring Marik's view, causing him to cough and sputter madly, waving smoke out of his face.
"MARIK!" yelled Odion. "WHY IS THE PHONE JACK A SMOULDERING CRATER?"
"Can we…take a quick trip to Radio Shack?" asked Marik, as the smoke detector went off.
---ooo---
"Alas, poor Marik, his telephone defiled, shattered beyond repair, now suffers the ultimate fate of death," said a seventeenth-century dressed narrator, equipped with poofy pants, tights, an old English accent, and a feather pen, sitting behind a desk in a well stocked library, complete with a heartily crackling fire. "Yea, he doth suffer from such travesty, and thus must sally forth into yonder world to find a telephone worthy of serving in the stead of one who has passed beyond heavens gate! May his quest be light and merry, for if he doth fail, then a fate far worse than death and rotting in Satan's filth awaits yon soul! Wish him well, good viewer…wish him well…"
With that, he keeled over.
---ooo---
"You know, I really hate going to the shops on a Friday…" said Odion angrily, tapping his finger on the steering wheel of the car, as he carefully tried to maneuver through all the other cars that darted in and out of the roadway spots.
"OH! THERE'S A SPOT! THERE'S A SPOT!" screamed Marik, pointing to an unoccupied parking spot.
"That's disabled parking Marik, if we go in it, we're breaking the law," said Odion.
"WORTHLESS CRIPPLES WHO DON'T BENEFIT SOCIETY!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs out the car window, as his face got rearranged by a flying wheelchair.
"Whoa, that Steven Hawking has quite an arm," said Odion, pulling into an empty spot, as Marik continued to writhe and cringe on the car floor. "Oh, stop being a drama queen. After that little comment, you deserved it."
"I GOT A BOO-BOO ON MY HEAD!" yelled Marik, as Odion just unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door.
"HI KIDS!" said a guy dressed in a huge, uncomfortable looking costume which took the shape of a large radio.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Marik, ripping off his seatbelt like a wild animal, leaping across the car, stepping on Odion's body, and charging out of it at full speed, running down the road like a homicidal maniac. "IT'S ONE OF SET'S MINIONS SPAWNED TO SEND US TO THE ABYYYYYYYYYSS!"
"Someone's really got to teach that kid some self-control," said Odion angrily.
---ooo---
"I WANT THAT ONE!" yelled Marik, pointing to a wireless phone that was bright pink and had purple and yellow flowers spangling all over the phone jack.
"No," said Odion, flatly, slowly crusing through all the wireless phones in the aisle, occasionally stopping to get a closer look at one, unlike Marik, who stopped to gawk at every single thing on the shelf that was large enough to be scene with the naked eye.
"ODION! THIS PHONE'S IN THE SHAPE OF A CAT!" yelled Marik, bouncing up and down eagerly in front of a phone that took the shape of a cat's mouth and that was wide open with huge fangs coming out of it's chubby kitty cheeks, the phone in the shape of a huge bug that had a very amusing look on it's face that seemed to be a cross between disgust, panic, and utter sadness at the fact that it was about to be eaten by a cat.
"Marik, we're looking for a phone that was exactly like our old one," said Odion, looking at one that closely resembled the gray and black wireless phone that they had before.
"BUT I HATED OUR OLD ONE!" said Marik, stuffing the cat phone under his jacket. "It was boring! And evil!"
"Evil?" asked Odion.
"Yeah!" said Marik. "From day one, it was out to kill me!"
"Uh…huh…" said Odion.
"Remember that one time that I nearly got electrocuted to death using the stupid thing?" yelled Marik.
"When you watched the last Harry Potter movie, and you though that the dial tone whenever we tried to use the phone was actually a bunch of merepeople talking, so you filled up the bathtub, and stuck the phone in the water while sticking your head in it too?" asked Odion.
"STUPID PHONE!" said Marik. "Now I have a paranoid fear of bath tubs!"
"Good for you," said Odion, picking up the black and gray phone and popping it in the cart. "Now come on, let's go pay for this, which of course, translates to me paying it with my own spending money."
"That's the spirit Odion!" said Marik, happily skipping behind a depressed Odion, who dragged the cart down the isle to the front of the store, which was lined with the usually number of check-out counters.
"Are you sure that their council hasn't replied to the letter that we sent?" asked one of the incredibly sophisticated invaders from the Planet Nor in the Arterial Galaxy.
"No, so far, we haven't had any response!" said another one. "And we used the nice stationary on them too!"
"Jerks," said another.
"NEVER MIND!" said the first one. "We cannot lose sight of our goal! We must charge foreword so that we may take control of this feeble world utterly!"
"HEY YOU STINKIN' ALIENS!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs, causing a family of seven foot eleven aliens from Zyroma, a young couple of ten-eyed, nine footed, blue stomached Algernites for Twuznatuur, and an elderly Goronospite (a cross between a Goronac, an Androspite, and a poodle) from the Q'arut galaxy all turned up to give Marik a look. "THIS IS CALLED THE EXPRESS LANE FOR A REASON YOU KNOW! GET YOUR LAZY BUTTS IN GEAR AND PAY FOR YOUR STUFF ALREADY!"
All three of the invaders pointed a ray-gun at Marik's feeble brain.
"Please don't," said Odion. "He may look like a brazen, annoying, pathetic, slobbering git, but he's actually…uh…"
Silence.
"Just don't barbeque him, that's all I'm asking," said Odion, as the head alien took the receipt from the cash register lady and walked off, jerking his head, indicating the other two to follow him.
"Just one please," said Odion, putting the box that contained the wireless phone on the conveyer belt, though he then cringed for a second to see that the check out lady was actually a bent-over, wrinkled, scary looking old woman with electric blue hair, what appeared to be a sever overbite or fangs, and an eye patch.
"WHAT!" she screamed.
"Just…one please!" said Odion, trying to say it a little louder, without sounding impolite. The old lady just stared at him…then her eyes fell to the box on the belt…then they went back up to him…then they fell back on the box. This pattern continued, until Odion sighed and shook his head, angry that this was going to need to be solved by a very loud explanation.
"I SAID-" Odion said, at a moderately loud volume.
"PHONE!" she screamed, pointing to the phone on the conveyer belt.
"Yes?" said Odion.
"Why does anyone in their right mind use a PHONE!" yelled the old woman. "Everyone knows that phones are the tools…OF THE DEMON KING!"
"Finally…someone who understands…" said Marik, his eyes welling up with tears.
"Demon King…yeah…" said Odion. "Alright, can I have this checked out?"
"YOU SHALL FACE NOTHING BUT SUFFERING IF YOU BUY THAT TELEPHONE!" yelled the woman. "NOTHING! NOTHING BUT SUFFERING! NOTHING! NOTHING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING!"
"That's wonderful…now just check us out already," said Odion.
"I WANNA CALL MY PHONE NUMBER!" said Marik, banging the conveyer belt angrily, smashing through it entirely, causing him to electrocute himself.
"Don't encourage her Marik!" said Odion, as Marik was twitching like a madman. "She'll never check us out!"
Suddenly, the woman gasped in horror.
"What…number…" she asked, as Odion, ripped Marik's hand out of the electric current.
"I accept your nomination for the supreme Overlord and Opressive Dictator of Munchkin Land…" Marik muttered, his head spinning.
"WHAT NUMBER!" screamed the old woman.
"1-800-MONKEYS," said Odion.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The old woman then let out the most deranged, horrified shriek that man kind had ever known, causing there to be a sudden need for the camera needing to scroll distantly away from the old woman to the ceiling, and eventually to outside the building, and eventually outside of the town, then eventually so far away that all that was left was a shot of planet earth (like in those movies). The cry was so high pitched, so sinister, that it shattered every glass item in a seventeen mile radius.
"NOT THAT NUMBER!" screamed the woman. "THAT NUMBER IS PURE EVIL! IT WILL STEAL YOUR SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL!"
"I will never get a chance to pay for this, will I?" asked Odion.
"YOU ARE FOOL TO BUY A PHONE TO CALL THAT NUMBER!" said the old woman. "My son…my poor son…he called that number…and…they took his soul away! Sucked it right into the telephone! AND NOW I HAVE TO USE HIM AS A COAT HANGER!"
She burst into aggravated tears, pointing to what appeared to be a man who was holding up several coats using nothing but his arms. She then tore off Marik's school jacket, and blew her nose into it.
"Hey, can you take my shirt off too?" asked Marik.
"Ignore him," said Odion, whacking Marik at the back of the head. "Thank you for the…advice? Anyway, we prob-"
"BUT YOU SEEK THE CAVES OF INSANITY, YES!" screamed the woman, pointing a finger at Odion.
"Uh…" said Odion.
"HEED MY WARNING!" said the old woman, well, screamed actually, as she slammed her fist into the cash register, causing it to pop open, revealing a huge, aluminum bat. "GO NOT TO THE CAVES! YOU WILL DIE IF YOU GO ALONE! THEY WILL KILL YOU! ALL OF THEM WILL KILL YOU! RAAAAAAAWR!"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAWR!" screamed Marik in reply.
"Okay, just smile, nod, and walk away Marik, just smile, nod and walk away…" said Odion, grabbing Marik by the arm and, completely abandoning the box on the check out counter, he turned around and ran away from the crazy old lady as fast as he could, right out the doorway, not looking back even for a second.
---ooo---
"Okay…we got away from her…" said Odion, panting with exhaustion in the car. "Thank Ra…that was crazy…not to mention that this entire trip has been an absolute waste…"
"ODION!" yelled Marik, stabbing him in the side of the head with a pointer finger.
"What?" asked Odion angrily.
"…how come whenever you try to play a video, it's always a zillion times louder than the TV?" asked Marik.
"Because it's stupid, like you," said Odion. "Okay…guess we just-"
"KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!" yelled the old woman, suddenly appearing in the backseat of the car, holding up the huge, aluminum bat, ready to crash it down in a killing blow. Marik screamed like a little girl, and grabbed Odion, using him as a human shield. It worked perfectly, because while Odion got the snot beat out of him by several blows from the bat, Marik remained in perfect physical health (his mental health was beyond repair).
"AH! STOP! STOP!" screamed Odion, his face now covered with bruises-to-be.
"YOU WILL LET ME GUIDE YOU TO THE CAVES OF INSANITY!" yelled the old woman.
"NO!"
BAM!
"DO IT!"
"NO!"
BAM!
"DO IT!"
"Okay! Just don't hit me again!" yelled Odion, making a pathetic attempt to cover his face with his arms. "If you want to lead the way to these stupid caves so darn badly then fine! Be my guest! You know what? I don't care anymore! I am a man in no control of my destiny!"
"Good!" yelled the old woman, sitting in the backseat, snuggling her rear end down so that it was nice and comfortable in the leather seats in the back, cackling with a loony undertone that rivaled Marik's.
Silecne.
"Well?" said the woman. "Are you going to drive or not?"
"Are you going to give directions or not?" asked Odion.
"I'll do it as you go along!" said the old woman.
"Backseat driving…hooray," said Odion dully, shifting the car into drive.
"GO GO GO GO GO GO-" cheered Marik.
"Please stop," said Odion, pulling out of the parking lot, and slowly maneuvering around a few other cars that were looking for places to park.
"Okay, so first you keep-DON'T GO SO FAST DARNIT-to the-HOLY GOD, ARE YOU BLIND-and then you-RIGHT LANE! RIGHT LANE YOU IDIOT!-just go-OH MY GOD! YOU ACTUALLY DID THAT! ARE YOU COMPLETELY STUPID!-take a right about-ARE YOU GOING TO LET THAT CAR GO RIGHT THROUGH YOU OR WHAT!"
"I hate this…" said Odion.
"DARLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENE!"
With that, an equally old, nauseating man threw himself on the windshield of the car, his very old, crinkly body covered in flannel and pants pulled up so high that they nearly reached his armpts, with hair in pretty much every crevice of his body (ears, nose, etc.) other than his head. He also wore huge, trifocal glasses.
"GET OFF! I CAN'T SEE!" yelled Odion.
"I KNEW YOU'VE BEEN WITH ANOTHER MAN!" screamed the old man on the windshield.
"BEAT IT ROBERT!" yelled the old lady. "I HATE NO GOOD JERKS LIKE YOU! BESIDES, I KNOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN SEEING OTHER WOMEN! LIKE MRS. HENDRIK'S GOLDFISH! AND CINDY THE COCKAPOO! I BET YOU'VE EVEN BEEN SEEING THE GARDEN HOSE BEHIND MY BACK!"
"Must…find…good…radio station…" said Marik, flicking through the car dials.
"I CAN'T SEE DARNIT!" yelled Odion. "I CAN'T SE-"
Suddenly, the ears off all were consumed in a massive shriek.
---ooo---
Okay…nothing in that entire chapter made sense.
Next time, Marik and Odion are captured, the oldest and most nauseating love-hate couple dukes it out for Marik's heart (ew), and...what the heck are caniyokasicals? Very disturbing people, that's all I'm saying…will the story ever be the same again? Stay tuned!