Ways to Destroy a Math Teacher's Self Esteem # 8: Ask to get a drink of water, then go to the bathroom, drop off something at the office, return a book to the library, chat with someone in the hall, and then get a drink of water
Boy, I love these things.
Anyway, sorry for the lateness. Writers block. It hits you when you need it the least.
Chapter Thirty Three
A CHAPTER NUMBER THAT IS DIVISIBLE BY ELEVEN
In which a hillbilly gets eaten by an alligator
Odion groaned to himself, as his eyes slowly opened, and several unpleasant new elements entered into his system. First and foremost was the massive, throbbing point on his head that made it feel like it was going to explode. Also, he had the also very unpleasant feeling of having now clue what happened between a currently undefined point of time in the past, and this moment. He also was feeling the very sickening sensation of having the blood rushing to his head.
What?
Oh…he just realized…he was upside down.
This sent him to a frantic bought of trying to figure out just where the heck he was. He was in the car, certainly, buckle up, realivly unharmed…but the car was upside down. He didn't know how, but for some reason, the entire car had flipped over, and it was currently balancing on the hood.
"ODION! LOOK! I'M A MONKEY!" said Marik, waving his arms wildly to try to direct Odion's attention toward him, and Odion suddenly found himself overcome by a fresh throb from his head.
"You're…okay?" he asked.
"YEP!" said Marik.
"Not the slightest bit hurt?" asked Odion.
"YEP!" said Marik.
"No broken bones? No concussions? No slipped disks? No hernia? No devastating emotional trauma? Stomach cramps? ANYTHING?" asked Odion.
"Uh uh!" said Marik.
"Not a single injury that has the potential to kill you or cause you to pass out?" asked Odion.
"NOPE!" said Marik. Then he passed out.
"Okay…what happened?" said Odion to himself, as Marik's mouth opened and his tounge lolled out. "Lets see…we went to Radio Shack…Marik got decked by a wheelchair…we got a phone…we were checking out…we met a crazy old lady who-oh Ra…"
"Guh…what happened?" said a wicked-crinkly voice from backseat. "Oh…OH NO! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE SOCIETY OF CRACKER LOVERS HAVEN'T I? LET ME GO! LET ME GO YOU SNACK CRAZED FOOLS!"
"Okay…okay…don't panic…don't panic…" said Odion to himself. "I just have to figure out a way to get down from here…"
"I'M AWAKE!" said Marik, suddenly coming to again. Then he passed out again.
"I'm surprised the car hasn't been turned into a huge ball of melting metal and plastic though…" said Odion. "Doesn't that usually happen to cars that flip over?"
---ooo---
"WHAT YOU IDIOTIC LITTLE BRATS AT HOME DON'T KNOW IS THAT ODION IS ABSOULUTLY RIGHT!" yelled a huge police officer who stood next to a television, chomping into a huge donut at the end of sentences. "My name is Officer Missy! YES I KNOW THAT IT'S A TERRIBLE LAST NAME! Don't you know it! Good God, don't think I enjoy being called 'Missy' day in and day out! Sure, I tried to change it via marriage…but…NOT SAYING THAT I'M A LOSER AROUND WOMEN OR ANYTHING! I don't want any of you yokel idiots to think I'm some kind of hard core, girly loser! Got that?"
Silence.
"I SAID GOT IT?" he yelled. That's when the screen panned up and down, casting the image that it was nodding. "GOOD! Now, as I've pointed out earlier, cars that flip over don't just stand still…THEY TURN INTO HUGE FIREBALLS THAT ARE INCREDIBLY GRAPHIC AND VIOLENT! So to make sure that none of you IDIOTS out there think that's its just cool to tip cars over, WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO!"
He waited for a moment, after taking a huge chomp into his donut. Nothing happened. He looked around for a moment, then stared back.
"WELL LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO!" he said, this time even louder than before, once again looking at the television screen.
"I SAID TURN ON THE BUTTERCUPING VIDEO!" yelled the cop, as there was a frantic scrambling below the camera view, and the television turned on with a burst of static. "NOW THEN! LETS HAVE A LOOK AT SOME GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING CONTENT, NOW SHALL WE?"
We apologize (sorta) for interrupting the graphically disturbing yet socially correct material present. While we are fully aware of how dangerous car accidents are, as well as the fact that they are no laughing matter, were are going to assume that none of you are stupid enough to get into one, as well as also assuming that showing such disturbing content will cause you to have flashbacks in the shower, causing you to have severe bouts of angst, which will cause you to done a black trench coat, running around in the street cackling a maniac, and blowing up things with tactical nuclear missiles.
Oh yeah, and there's the whole stupid content thing for K+ fics.
Sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you.
"WELL I HOPE THAT LEARNED YOU, YOU STUPID BUNCH OF ACNE RIDDEN ANGST-BUCKETS!" yelled Officer Missy. "So continue watching your stupid fanfics X-Generation FILTH!"
---ooo---
"Okay…" said Odion, uneasily unbuckling the seatbelt gingerly. However, true to his subconscious prediction this caused only more problems, because he dropped like a stone toward where gravity pulled him by the shirt collar…right to the metal bottom.
"OH! MY TURN! MY TURN!" yelled Marik, unbuckling his seatbelt without a second thought, which caused him to fall to the ground full speed, cracking his little skull on Odion's back.
"WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE? NEW YORK?" yelled the woman, unbuckling her seatbelt, but unlike the other two, landed in a wicked cool ninja position on Marik's back, but sense she was wearing relatively sharp heels for an old lady, only caused Marik to shriek in pain. "WHIPPER SNAPPERS! At least you didn't total the car!"
"DARLENE!" yelled the old man who had thrown his body on the window of the car, sticking his especially ugly head through the window.
"HEY! You're the muttonhead who threw himself in front of the car door!" yelled Marik.
"What?" asked the old man.
"Huh?" said Darlene.
"What's going on?" asked the old man.
"Where are we again?" asked Darlene.
"Who are you?"
Odion slapped his head.
"Ah, the mental power of the aging never fails to astound me," he said. "Well, other then the fact that our car's been totaled and we're stuck in an unknown place with a bunch of idiots, no real harm done. Now…where are we?"
He finally got some sort of bearings of his surround to find that he was…in some sort of primitive jungle. It was filled with conifer ferns, steaming mists, and echoing across it at very loud volumes were the calls of birds and various other loud animals.
"Oh…this doesn't look like I-90," he said.
"WELL DUH!" yelled Marik. "We are obviously in an early conifer forest dating back to sometime in the Cretaceous Period, somewhere around 225 Million BCE."
"Marik, we are not in a forest because one, that would be stupid to think that we have suddenly been zapped millions of years in the past, and two, I believe you are referring to the Triassic Period," said Odion. "Whatever, we'll just follow our skidmarks, and we'll hit highway eventually."
"YEAH!" said Marik, slamming the upside-down car door open, tripping on the roof, and landing flat on his face in a huge pile of mud.
"What the-" said Odion, looking out from his car door. To his amazement, there weren't any skid marks at all behind the car at all, just grass, bushes, and trees. In fact, save for the huge crater that they were now immersed in, the entire area surround the car was completely undamaged, as if the car had just been dropped there by extra-Earthly means.
"How did this happen?" said Odion. "Nothing! No skid marks, no down tress…nothing! How the heck did that happen?"
Somewhere on I-90
Two teenage boys sat in a cat that was pulled over at the side of the road, serving no purpose in the story but for a quick and cheep joke.
"Hey…" said one of them.
"Yeah?" said the other.
Silence.
"Remember, like, that flying car?"
Silence.
"No."
"Whatever," said the first one.
---ooo---
"I DON'T KNOW!" said Marik.
"RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE!" screamed someone from the sidelines, as a result of the sound-effects machine breaking down.
"OH NO! SOMEONE'S COMING THIS WAY!" yelled Marik. "OH MY GOD! CAVEMEN! DINOSAURS! CANNIBALS! DEMOCRATIC ELECTORAL CANIDATES! WE ARE GOING TO DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Don't worry!" said the old man. "I GOT M4D L33T-OOOOOOOW! MY BACK! MY BACK!"
He fell to his knees in pain, screaming at the top of his lungs from the pain that was shooting through his back, rolling on the floor and howling like a madman.
"HEY BILLY-BOB!" yelled a yokel-y sounding voice that came from the bushes. "Them thar sounds lika coupla cultural enthusiasts ifn' I've ever heard summut!"
"'Hain't that the truth!" said another voice. "Lets just have a look at these here po-ten-tyal cultural enthusists!"
Marik was still screaming to the point of wetting his pants in terror at the sight of the people who emerged from the loosely covered field of view. Both of them appeared to be nothing more than (very) simple farmers. One of them was a young woman, dressed in a fading, white and red polka-dotted sundress that was ripped up so that the hemline was far up passed her knees, as well as a very ridiculous looking sun bonnet that had a bunch of rotting wax fruit pinned to the brim, as well as an ornamental dead rat. The other one was wearing overalls that were, in a better time, bright blue, but had now turned an almost camo-colored brown-green, caked with several layers of mud, filth, and various animal droppings, without anything under it that halfway resembled a shirt. He was wearing a straw hat that was just like his sisters, except with a few moldy flowers also thrown into the ensemble. Both of them were wearing huge, dirty working boots, that seemed to have souls made out of nothing but mud.
"Them thars a bit of cultural enthusiasm ifn' I ever did see!" said the male, his humongous Adam's Apple quivering every time he said a word that contained the letter 'r'.
"HOT DANG!" said the girl.
"Em…hi," said Odion. "Yes, I'm sorry, but we've recently got into an accident…a very bizarre, scientifically unexplainable accident. Do you know the way back to I-90?"
"WELL TARNATION!" said the girl, raising her voice to get it over Marik's frantic screaming. "Yew ain't gonna just go away 'hafter being banged up and all, are yeh?"
"THEY'RE MADMEN!" said Marik, as the old man punched him in the stomach, causing him to sink to the ground in absolute pain, whimpering like a sad little boy.
"No, we're fine…well, he's a little sick, but that's besides the point," said Odion. "We don't want to trouble you, so we'll just be on our way-"
"NONSENSE!" said the yokel girl. "YEW AT LEAST GOT TO GO HOME AND HAVE SOME OF MA'S DEE-LISHUS COOKIN' BEFORE WE SEND YEW AWAY AFTER HAVING A MINOR AH-TO-MO-BEEL ACCIDENT!"
"No, that's not really we-" Odion started.
"WILL THERE BE PRUNES!" both of the old-timers screamed, nearly knocking Odion off his feet from the sheer force of their queries.
"Yew bet!" said the boy. "Mama makes the best Prun'n'Polecat pie yew ever did taste! And Momma's baking some fresh fer dinner tonight!"
"But Billy-Bob, I thought we waz gonna take them home so Mama would-" said the girl.
"SHUT UP SHTOOPID!" yelled Billy Bob. "Eh he he…don't listen to Billy-Jane, she's just a MORON!"
"I know!" said Marik. "I have to deal with a bunch of morons every single day of my life! IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! Every single time I try to do anything smart, some IDIOT comes along, acts like an IDIOT, does IDIOTIC things, and makes my life MISERABLE! Stupid idiots! They're stupid! All of them! I hate them! HATE THEM!"
"My heart bleeds for you," said Odion.
"SHUT UP IDIOT!" said Marik.
---ooo---
"ODION! LOOK! I BET I CAN STICK MY HEAD IN IT'S MOUTH!" said Marik, cackling like an idiot, indicating a huge alligator with it's mouth wide open, basking in the sun, seemingly uncaring of the world around him. Marik giggled like a pathetic middle schooler, and promptly stuck his head in its jaws.
"You can toy with death latter Marik," said Odion, ripping him away from the huge, angry-looking alligator, just a split second before it's mouth closed down like a clamp.
The four mismatched persons were following the two mismatched wierdos to this house where they could find a little shelter, or at least refresh themselves before pressing on to find the magical place called I-90. However, as they went deeper into this bizarre land, the landscape slowly morphed from a unseasonably warm, tropical forest, to a classic, southern-style swamp.
"Hey, do you have any clue what's going on?" asked the old man to Darlene.
"WHAT?" said Darlene.
"HUH?" said the old man. "Wait…now that I think about it…you look kinda familiar…"
"Yeah…you two…" said Darlene. "Come to think of it…why do whenever I think of you, I want to hurl something heavy out of a seven story window that will be very satisfying when it smashes to little bits on the ground?"
Silence.
"YOU'RE WITH ANOTHER MAN!" yelled the old man.
"NO I'M NOT!" screamed Darlene. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM YOU, YOU CONTROL FREAK!"
"Well…if you're with another man…then…I WILL BE TOO!" screamed the old man, looking around for the nearest man to fall in love with.
"YOU!" he yelled, grabbing Marik by the throat, then trapping him in a vice-like huge around his neck. "Yes…you are just so cuuuuuuuute!"
"Yeah, but your old, repulsive, ugly, and unsightly!" Marik replied.
"YOU FREAK!" yelled Darlene. "How dare you toy with my emotions? Well…"
She then ran over, shoved the old man aside, then began to tickle Marik under the chin.
"HEY ODION! CHICKS DID ME!" said Marik, waving over to Odion, who was still making an attempt to follow the two yokels.
"Old, senile chicks," said Odion.
"THERE IT IS!" screamed Billy-Jean.
The house that she pointed to needed a dream makeover home edition run-through very badly. It looked like a less-popular version of the leaning tower of Pisa. It appeared to be constructed of a combination of wooden planks and pond scum, with great balls of slime oozing through the crevices, as well as hanging off in great, green curtains. The porch, it appeared, had already collapsed, as it looked more like a pile of wood then a set of stars. Amidst this murky horror was the eerie green glow from the overgrowing trees, partnered with the very disturbing sight of alligaters swimming in the waters in the surrounding swampy waters.
"MAMA!" screamed the girl, bouncing up the very fragil looking stairs. However, these stairs, sadly, could not contain her weight, causing them to collapse under her weight, causing several rats to flee from under it. This caused her to teeter over into the water with a scream, as almost immediately afterwards, she was swallowed by an alligator with one gulp.
"NOW WHAT'S ALL THIS CATTERWALLIN' OUT HERE?" screamed a middle aged (woman?) at the top of her lungs, looking like a cross between an old witch and a wall of fat stuffed into a pair of torn overalls. "Y'all doin' somthin' stupid again, I'm guessin'?"
"No Mama," said Billy-Bob. "Billy-Jane just got eaten by a 'gator!"
"Huh…well, I didn't like her much anyway," said Mama. "Right then, y'all come in, and help yerselves to a nice, big slice of possum pie!"
"HEY YOU OLD WITCH!" yelled Marik. "I came here for some good old fashion Prune'n'Polecat pie, and if I ain't gonna get it, THEN I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW!"
"That's what I mean't, yew mono-brain celled yeller bellie!" said the woman, as the now-fat alligator that ate Billy-Jean let out a contented belch. "Good job Billy-Bob, I love it when you bring home the stupid ones!"
"Thanks Ma!" said Billy Bob.
"So anyway, get your carcuses in here!" said the old woman.
The inside of the house was no better than the outside, considering everything was the exact same thing on the inside as it was on the outside. It was filthy, disgusting, and made entirely out of rotting wood and slime. Even the old photos on the wall seemed to have slime springing out of their crevecies.
"Come on, come on, sit yahselves down," said Mama, ushering them over to a set of chairs around the table that looked like they were going to collapse at any second (two out of four did). "Now I bet fancy persons like yerselves from that I-90 thingy must enjoy sitting down for a good piece o'…yew know sir, you like yew really need a bath!"
"Well, I stopped taking showers after I heard that those gosh-darn GERMANS use showers!" said the old man, as everyone quietly scooted away from him.
"Well…I have a bath them, um, Germans don't use in the kitchen if you want to use it," said Mama.
"DON'T MIND IF I DO!" said the old timer, breaking wind rather loudly to finish his sentence, as he headed around the corner of the sitting room and into the kitchen.
"Now then," said the old woman, reaching in a nearby cupboard and pulling out a large rat. "I'm sure yew all wanna get yer pie. But first, how about a little of dat 'light entertainment' that I heard yew city like so much."
"LIGHT ENTERTAINEMENT! HECK YAY!" screamed Marik.
"Yer little monkey friend seems pretty interested in it!" said Mama. "Now then…Billy-Bob, why don't you sing that 'West Side Story' song that everyone likes so much, and I'll just…wash my hands…in the kitchen."
"Really?" said Billy-Bob. "I thought you were going to go and make that old man-"
"YES dear, I'm going to WASH my HANDS!" said Mama.
"…are you doing that 'implying' thing again Mama?" asked Billy-Bob.
"Just sing the stupid song!" said Mama, as she quickly rushed out the room, totting her dead rat, and into the kitchen.
---ooo---
Next time, a sinister plot exposed! Show tunes! Bizarre families! And more! See you!