Cows: Don't drink straight from the container.
Wait, what? Finally…SCHOOLS OUT FO SUMMAH! Boy, I really needed it…except now I'm (yikes) taking Drivers Ed and (yikes!) getting a job! I hope…anyway…fun time.
Oh yeah, as to the overwhelming question of 'Did you die and not tell us again?', no I didn't. See all my previous blames of why my chapters are incredibly late, and add in FF dot net was being faulty again.
Chapter Thirty Four
THE SAIN SHOW!
"Okay…that's enough," said Odion, trying his best to be polite under overwhelming circumstances.
"MY EARS! THEY'RE BLEADING! THEY BLEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!" yelled Marik.
"Shut up moron!" said Odion. "Seriously, it was very nice, but we should-"
"Oh come on!" said the yokel. "One more!"
"No…I don't want you to hurt your voice…" said Odion.
"OR MY BRAIN!" said Marik. "CA-RIMETY! YOU ARE THE WORST SINGER IN THE WORLD! I HAVE HEARD MORE MELODIOUS SOUNDS FROM NAILS BEING DRIVEN UNDER A DOOR! I THINK THE SOUNDWAVES COMING FROM YOUR BLOODY VOICE HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BARBAQUE MY EARDRUMS TO A CRISP!"
"And you lack presentation!" said Darlene, the senile RadioShack clerk.
"Oh, come on now!" said Billy-Bob, standing on a huge stage that seemed to come out of nowhere, complete with huge spotlights and disco balls over it, as he was wearing a sequin shirt and black, skintight leather pants. "If y'all don't like a medly of ABBA's greatest hits, then y'all could just say so!"
"Yes, that's it!" said Odion, still trying desperately to be polite. "That's it exactly! We just don't like ABBA!"
"WELL, I USED TO!" yelled Marik, as Odion punched him in the throat.
"Well, how about some 'Hello Dolly?" asked Billy-Bob.
"NO! I mean…I'm not a huge 'Hello Dolly' fan either," said Odion.
"Well, how about some John Lenin?" asked Billy-Bob.
"No…thank you," said Odion.
"Supremes?" asked Billyl-Bob.
"No thank you," said Odion.
"How about some 'Phantom of the Opera'?"
"No thank you."
"'Oklahoma'?"
"No thanks."
"How about some Rage Against the Machine?"
"NO! I mean…no thank you."
"WELL GARWSH!" said Billy-Bob. "What songs do y'all like then?"
"Uh…what ones do you know that involve relative silence?" asked Odion.
"Well…I know a little number from 'I Left My Heart in Saratoga', which involves me doing very little except humming and occasionally saying 'Cherry Pie'-"
"YES!" said Odion. "Yes…that sounds perfect…"
"Odion…" said Marik, pulling on Odion's evil cloak as Billy-Bob began to cue up the mikes.
"What?" asked Odion darkly.
"I don't feel pretty…" said Marik.
"Too bad," said Odion. "I don't feel like talking to a brain-dead fruitcake."
"I want to feel pretty," said Marik.
"I want to be rich, handsome, and famous," said Odion.
"I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs.
"Then go soak your head in hot water! I mean, what do you want me to do about it!" asked Odion.
"Make me pretty!" said Marik.
"I'm a man, not a miracle worker," said Odion, as Billy-Bob began humming at the top of his lungs in a repulsive, nasal-sounding voice that sounded like a cat passing a kidney stone.
"Then where can I find this…water to soak my head in?" asked Marik.
"Usually somewhere there'd be a sink, Holmes," said Odion.
"LIKE A KITCHEN OR SOMETHING!" asked Marik.
"I was thinking more like a bathroom-" said Odion.
"THANKSODIONI'LLBERIGHTBACK!" said Marik, running off and giggling like the little loony he was, as he quickly made a mad dash around singing 'I feel pretty'. After running headfirst into two walls, he eventually dizzily made it to the doorway to the kitchen.
This, however, presented a brand new puzzle that Marik had to counter…how would he get in? He stared at it for a long time, temporarily forgetting the concept of how to use a basic doorknob.
"HI-YAH!" he screamed, and with a wicked cool karate move, slammed a fist right into the doorway, which did absoulutly nothing, except cause a very nasty-sound crack of human bones on contact with a solid oak door, as well as tears to spring up in Marik's eyes.
"You…are…a…MEAN DOOR!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs, using his bizarre powers as the main character to pull a grenade cannon out of nowhere, and with that, let loose a fury of rapid-fire shots at the door, completely destrying it, until it was nothing more than a pile of dust.
"HASTA LA VISTA BABY!" he screamed triumphantly, pointing at the pile of smouldering dust, cackling like an idiot. However, when he looked up for no reason in particular-
"Oh…my…Ra…"
His jaw dropped when he saw the old man tied up in the way that one would tie up a huge turkey, laying on a silver platter wearing nothing but a pair of stripped boxer-briefs, and an apple that was stuck in his mouth.
"Tarnashon!" yelled Ma, walking back into the general aream, carrying a huge two-pronged fork. "Now where the heck did I put that paprika? Yeh can't make a good roast without-"
Then she spotted Marik, who was gapping in horror at all that he saw, and she sweatdropped. For a moment, the entire room was immersed in silence.
"Em…" she said awkwardly, sheepishly putting the fork behind her back. "I know this looks bad…but…uh…"
"You know, when I try to cook people, Odion calls it morally wrong!" said Marik.
"AH! This…this isn't cooking, I mean…" said Ma, suddenly whipping out the fork. "You didn't see anything girly boy! I'm warning you! You tell anyone about this…anyone…you didn't see anything, go it?"
"I didn't?" asked Marik.
"NO!" said Ma.
"Not anything?" asked Marik.
"Not anything!" Ma said.
"Wow! I must really be out of it!" said Marik. "I mean, you'd have to be just plain STUPID to miss that thing! I mean…hey…wait…what? What am I doing here again? Something about…HEY! I WANT TO GIVE ODION A WEDGIE!"
With that, he turned around cackling like a maniac, as Ma just shook her head in disgust.
"Well, I didn't want to do it yet," she said, pulling out a huge jug of homemade lemonade.
---ooo---
"AND I KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW WITHOUT A DOUBT! MYYY HEART WILL LEAD-ME-THER-ER-ER SOON! AND WE'LL MEET, I KNOW WE'LL MEET, BEYOND THE SHORE-"
"Boy, do I wish I had hair that I could stuff into my ears right now," said Odion, covering his ears as hard as he could to block out the terrible sound. "God…this is worse than when he was singing 'America'…"
"HEY ODION, 'SUP!" said Marik, plopping down in the chair next to Odion.
"Have you succeeded in making yourself pretty?" asked Odion.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BALD BOY!" said Marik.
"You know…that stupid thing you were ranting about earlier?" asked Odion. "Feeling unpretty and…remember?"
"MY RA ODION, YOU ARE JUST PLAIN INSANE!" said Marik. "Honestly, I don't know where you're getting this utter GARBAGE from, but I have said nothing about being unpretty! I am always pretty! AND SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN BALD?"
"Just how hard did you hit your head against that windshield?" asked Odion, just as the disgusting warbling of Billy-Bob.
"And now…" said Billy-Bob, "'Anything You Can Do'!"
"No need dear!" said Ma, walking into the room, carrying a huge teapot, and a bunch of teacups stacked on top of one another that was awkwardly carried on a tarnished metal tray. "Before you suffer through-I mean, listen to, another one of my son's songs, how about a nice cup of tea?"
"EW! WHAT DO WE LOOK? BRITISH!" yelled Marik angrily.
"I'll take some," said Odion.
"Wonderful!" said Ma, shoving a teacup into Odion's hands, as she bent down, putting her ugly lips right next to Marik's head.
"Remember…what happened earlier never happened…understood?" she hissed darkly.
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!" yelled Marik. "Firist Odion, then you…then…HAS THE ENTIRE WORLD GONE MAD, AND NO ONE'S TOLD ME AGAIN!"
"Uh…" said the woman.
"If the worlds going to go crazy, I think it should at least have the decency to tell me!" yelled Marik. "And another thing! Why the heck couldn't they have released the 'Fire Emblem' games in the US sooner? I MEAN COME ON! It R0X3RZ M4H S0X3RZ! What the heck is Intelligent Systems Thin-"
---ooo---
"Sorry to just suddenly interrupt this chapter in progress," said Asuka, standing in the middle of what looked like a recording studio. "I am representing the entire population of the cast. We realize that Ms. Shrilanka-San has just ordered a 'Fire Emblem' game, and we also realize that she has been waiting patiently for it to arrive, despite the fact that there seems to be a bit of a delay. But PLEASE, for the LOVE OF GOD, we IMPLORE you, in BOLD TEXT, DON'T LET THE MINDLESS FAN-RANTING GET IN THE WAY OF THE STORY!"
---ooo---
"-king?"
"Uh…sure," said Ma. "Now go on, gulp down the tea!"
"I TOLD YOU, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, I AM NOT-liquid! Awesome!" said Marik, grabbing the teapot and drinking straight out of the spout, until Ma ripped it out of his mouth.
"Okay…who wants some?" she said, indicating the teapot, which now had Marik's drool covered all over the spout.
"Um…" said Odion.
"JUST DRINK IT!" yelled Ma, for reasons unknown, suddenly morphing into a huge, ten foot tall dragon, roaring at the top of her lungs, breathing fire as she did so.
"Okay!" yelled Odion, holding out his tea cup frantically, wanting desperately not to be barbequed/eaten.
"Thank you!" said Ma, slowly turning back to normal, filling up Odion's teacup.
"GIVE ME TEA!" yelled Darlene, throwing the teacup at Ma's head, causing it to bury itself into her skull.
"Hey Ma!" said Billy-Bob. "Isn't that there tea the tea that you laced that fancy sleepin' drug stuff I-"
"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTIC LITTLE WEED!" yelled Ma, as Odion's eyes bugged out in horror, after grudgingly taking a sip of the tea.
"You…drugged this?" he said in horror.
"Eh…drugged is such a nasty word…" said Ma, throwing the teapot over he shoulder, as a shattering sound was heard somewhere off camera. "I prefer the term…uh, 'internal chemical alteration'."
"So did you do it or not?" said Marik hastily.
"Doesn't really matter, your going to conk out in a few seconds," said Ma.
"Hey, what do you mean by tha-" Marik started.
THUNK!
The sound of three heads simultaneously falling into the table echoed across the room. There was a brief silence.
"Should I get the marinating stuff ready Ma?" asked Billy-Bob.
"You do that son," said Ma.
---ooo---
"THEY'RE CANIYOKASICALS!" cried Odion in horror, as he, Marik, and Darlene sat on the floor, tied up together, and sitting in a huge cooking pot.
"Caniyokasicals?" asked Marik.
"They're a combination between cannibals, yokels, and singers of musicals," said Odion. "They're native to large swamps a little ways away from state thruways…I should have know that something was wrong when they brought us here…"
"So what? They're going to eat us?" asked Marik.
"Uh…yeah…" said Odion.
"EW! GROSS!" screamed Marik in horror like a little girl. "This is just like that time when Tana got capture by the group of bandits and Epharium had to-"
---ooo---
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" yelled Asuka angrily from back in the studio.
---ooo---
"Marik, does that have anything to do with us getting out of this situation alive?" said Odion angrily.
"DON'T WORRY!" said Darlene from within her bondage. "I will summon forth a powerful magical weapon that has such power and street cred, there's no way that we won't get out of here alive!"
With that, she closed her eyes tight and strained with all of her might, twitching slightly from within the confines of the ropes, a very funny looking expression on her face.
Silence.
"Okay, failing that…" said Odion.
"Well there my little entrées!" said the old woman, carrying a huge carving knife. "Didn't I luck out? Just when I was about to have a family renunion, I land four huge chunks of meat to cook up for dinner!"
"OH! IS IT HAMBURGER?" said Marik eagerly. "I love hamburger!"
"Well…it depends how it's prepared I guess…" said Ma darkly, as Billy-Bob wheeled in a huge meat grinder.
"Oh fudge…" said Odion.
"Hey…shouldn't you…you know…both just leave the room for an indefinite period of time? For no particular reason at all?" said Marik. "You know, just to let us rant about how pathetic our lives were, and how much they were wasted on television when they could have learned how to can-can and drive backwards and do that thing where you balance a spinning basketball at the end of your finger?"
"Tarnashon Ma! The little blonde thang has a point!" said Billy-Bob.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Ma, whacking him in the head with an aluminum baseball bat. "Fine then…I feel like earning mah PhD in pediatrics anyway…"
With that, she grabbed her runty son by the ear and dragged him out of the room, as he yelped in pain, and Darlene continued to strain.
"Wow Marik…that was…SMART!" said Odion in horror.
"Really?" said Marik. "I thought it was just overdone…"
"No!" said Odion. "It was great! It was really great! I can't believe it! You successfully did something that actually made sense!"
"I…did…?" asked Marik, his eyes turning into two, huge, shimmering orbs of wonder.
"Uh…" said Odion, not liking where this was going.
"I did…something smart…" Marik said in wonder, his eyes turning glassy as he zoned out into space, and Odion sighed in frustration.
"Well…now we just need a plan of escape," said Odion, looking around for some sort of instrument that could be used for cutting them free. "Marik, do you think you could reach that knife next to you?"
"…smart…" said Marik in wonder, starting to drool a little bit.
"Uh…" said Odion.
"Almost…summoned…it…" said Darlene.
"Okay…I guess it falls to me then!" said Odion, switching into rodent mode. He forced his face down as far as it could go, and frantically began to chew on the ropes, as Marik continued to stare at his own glory in awe, and Darlene continued her ongoing attempt to summon this mystical means of escape. He knawel on that rope as if he was a squirrel on steroids, chewing and scratching it, wearing it away string by single string.
I have to do this…he thought to himself. I have to protect Marik! I can't just die here! He's the only thing left I have in life, now that I have left the tombkeepers and my Cornell entrance letter hasn't arrived yet! I have to keep trying! I have to keep going! I won't die! I won't just stand here and let this happen! I will free us! Nothing can stop me! Nothing in the world!
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
YES! Odion thought, getting closer to severing the last thread of the rope, as the old woman continued to strain with all of her might, and Marik continued to stare at nothing and drool like a monkey. Soon! Soon! We'll be free! Free! It's almost done! All that work! At last! My determination has paid off! YES! YES!
"I'm back from earning my degree!" said Ma, returing to the room, a huge carving knife in one hand, a diploma in the other. "Now then…where was I?"
SNAP!
"HA!" said Odion triumphantly, as the last piece of the rope he was chewing on snapped. "I DID IT! I DID IT! I won! I have beaten you! VICTORY! Now, there is nothing you can do to-"
She grabbed the two loose ends of the rope, and tied a huge knot with them.
"DARNIT!" yelled Odion. "I mean…uh…shouldn't you go back to try to earn a minor in child psychology?"
"Tarnashon!" said Ma. "Yer right! Be right back y'all."
This is getting just a little too easy, thought Odion, once again chewing on the rope. Okay, I see that I'm going to need to do this faster. I'll just have to summon up what little energy remains in my body and-
"Done," said Ma, walking back in with another diploma strung under her arm.
"DARNIT!" yelled Odion. "Um…uh…"
"Don't say doctorate, I earned that too," said Ma, holding up another diploma.
"Uh-"
"And I earned advanced forensic sciences yesterday while driving down to Walmart," said Ma, holding up another degree.
"ARE YOU SURE?" asked Odion.
"Yes," said Ma.
"Well…maybe it's a fake!" said Odion.
Silence.
"I feel more hungry than inquisitive," said Ma, raising the carving knife over her head, ready to smash it down in a devastating blow. "TIME TO BECOME A PART OF A WELL BALANCED MEAL, CITY-SLICKER!"
CRASH!
Suddenly, crashing through one of the windows of the kitchen came what appeared to be a flying soup ladle. However, upon closer inspection, it could be seen that this was a magical soup ladle, a device of supreme and enormous power, because it was glowing, was covered in precious gems from handle to what is technically called 'the scoopy part', and it had a great big sign on it that said 'POWERFUL MAGICAL SOUP LADLE' in big red letters.
"AT LAST!" screamed Darlene, as the powerful magical soup ladle slowly floated over to the three tied up people and hovered by her side. "I have summoned the most powerful cooking utensil in all of Lycia, one which you need a 'S' in weapon level to use-"
---ooo---
"WATCH IT!" yelled Asuka.
---ooo---
"-and now, I shall use it's power to break us free, and end your tyrannous reign once and for all!" yelled Darlene proudly, laughing in a triumphant, heroic manner, as the magical soup ladle continued to float by her side. However, her mad laughter slowly quieted as she reliezed that there was one tragic flaw to possessing this powerful serving utensil…you have to have a hand that wasn't tied up to be able to use it.
"Thank you," said Ma vaguely, taking the floating soup ladle away from Ma's side. "Okay…now where was I…OH YEAH! TIME TO EAT YOU ALL!"
"I'm smart Odion!" said Marik happily.
"Shut up," said Odion flatly. "If I'm going to die, I am at least going to die with pleasant sounds in my ears, not whatever random dribble eeks from your mouth."
"And just because I really love to play up the irony, HOW ABOUT SOME VERY BAD COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC THAT ALWAYS MAKES SLAUGHTERING FUN?"
She banged the start button on a radio/cassette player, and with a limp sounding squeak, it began to play 'You're the Reason Our Kids are Doomed to Failure' (Almanzo A-Hyuk and his All-Gator Band, Slimeball Records, 1856). Marik's eyes became wide with admiration of superior vocal talent, the old woman started cackling triumphantly again for no good reason at all, and Odion's eye begin to twitch.
"My ear drums…have been severely violated…" he said with a somewhat squeaky tone in his voice.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Ma. "NOW-"
BAMAVroOoOoOoOMSCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
There was a massive, ear-splitting crash of something moving at seventy miles per hour at the minimum crashing through the log-and-scum walls, causing the entire wall that got crashed into to…crash. Shimmering like Obsidian in a huge pile of filth stood…a limo. However, this was no ordinary limo, for this limo had the presidential logo on its hood. Then, slowly, as large bits off rubble fell off it, the back door opened-
"IT'S FORMER PRESIDENT JAMES MADISON!" yelled everyone in the room in high pitched, incredibly happy voices, as a man in a puffy white shirt hidden under an eighteenth century coat, knee-length pants, and buckled shoes got out of the limo and gave everyone away.
"Hello everyone!" said James Madison, walking over to the group. "It is I, James Madision (1751-1836), fourth president of the United States of America, miraculously risen from the dead by means that shall be physically nor spiritually questioned at all for the rest of this story or any indefinite time period following it, or else bad things will happen to all of your souls!"
"YAY!" cheered everyone in the group.
"Anyway," said James Madison. "I have heard reports of Canayokasomethings in the area off of I-90, and I knew that since it is both breaking the law to operate a cannibal ring without legal documents and paying proper licensing fees, as well as it being really bad for business in toll booths, I have decided to investigate such claims personally!"
"YAY!" cheered everyone in the group.
"Stop cheering, or I'll blow your heads off!" said J.M. in a relatively happy sounding voice, pointing a plasma cannon at everyone, who promptly stopped cheering, but continued to smile rather stupidly. "That being said, I've have found it, and looking at the state of your site of operations, as well as those nasty stains all over the cutlery, I have to say that none of you are working under the correct cannibalistic guidelines set up by the Food and Drug Administration! That means I just busted an illegal ring! DON'T ANY OF YOU DARE CHEER!"
No one did, cheer, but everyone's smiles in the group got a little wider, and quite a bit more freaky.
"Okay, you're just creeping me out now!" said James Madison, still in a very upbeat tone of voice. "CIA agents! Brutally arrest them if you please!"
With that, a bunch of extremely tall, wide shouldered men ran into the room with the force of a very large group of very large animal on a stampede. They completely trashed everything in the area, knocking over things, beating up Ma, beating up Marik, breaking windows, etc. etc.
"OH! Wait, not them!" said James Madison, pointing to the group that was dragging away as Marik, Odion, and Darlene. "They're not the cannibals! Sorry for not mentioning that!"
"Yeah…thanks a lot…" said Odion, his face covered in bruises from the brutally arresting process.
"Anyway, for supreme bravery…or dumb luck, in the face of these underground cannibals/musical singers, I award you with these dime-store medals, and an autographed photo of the guy who lives next door to me!" said James Madison, throwing cheep looking 'We're #1!' ribbons at the three, as well as said autographed photos that were smashed up into a ball.
"MA! I MANAGED TO GET OUTTA THE GATOR'S TUMMY!" yelled Billy-Jane, covered in something that looked suspiciously like alligator saliva.
"Oh, you can arrest her though!" said James Madison, as a group of six CIA men threw themselves on top of her. "Anyway, thank you again for your work in cracking down on these random loonies! Our nation as a whole is in debt to your random efforts!"
"It is?" asked Marik, several of his teeth missing.
"Of course not," said J.M. "Now shoo! Shoo shoo, go on, get out of here you little losers! Your presence annoys me! Come on, get away!"
He waved them away brusquely, as the three managed to drag themselves upon bruised and beaten limbs, slowly dragging their bodies away from what was now brewing into a government cover-up. With labored steps, they slowly began the long and painful journey back home…and back to the regularly scheduled insanity.
"Yeah, get goin' you little hooligans!" said James Madison. "Thinkin' yer so cool with your fancy street clothes and your feminine hairdos and-"
That's when he was shot by a random arrow. Miraculously, it hit a non-critical area (AKA his backside), and he just stood there awkwardly, looking behind him to face the arrow that was now sticking out of his butt.
"Son of a gun…" he said. "This feels like something from Shrek…"
"Darn, that really should have killed you," said Rath, ridding into the scene on his horse, dressed in his usual Sacae native attire. "Maybe if I try the short bow-"
---ooo---
"THAT'S IT!" yelled Asuka angrily, slamming her fist down into the table in the studio. "I GIVE UP, DO YOU HEAR ME! I GIVE UP! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I don't care! It's pointless isn't it? TURN THIS ENTIRE STORY INTO A DARN 'FIRE EMBLEM' FANFIC FOR ALL I CARE!"
---ooo---
IT'S THE SAIN SHOW! DA-DA DA-DAAAAAAAA DA DA…
"Have I mentioned how hot Lady Lyndis looks in that skirt with the side slits?" said Sain, sitting in a talk-show host style live studio. However, five seconds latter, Lyn sprang out of nowhere and began beating him wildly with her sword. The studio audience laughed and slowly began to clap, as a bunch of bandits then ran through, followed by Shri, who was cackling insanely with that weird look on her face while carrying around Nino and Jaffar plushies.
However…they all forgot something very important…
---ooo---
"Mariraree, irz zurwa gorra urtir ree?" asked the old man, still tied up turkey style wearing nothing but boxer shorts, still ready to be put in the oven.
---ooo---
So wrong…yet so right…
Anyway, next time, alas! We're in the home stretch! That means that, yes, it's DATE NIGHT EVERYBODY! When it seems like everyones going out to dinner in the same extremely fancy restaurant, with the off-balance male/female ratio, it's going to be date scrappin' and cross dressing all around! With some hilarious matches gone wrong! See you next time, as we finally hit the last major bit in this story!