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Next chapter! WOOT WOOT!
Chapter Thirty Eight
UNTITLED
In which we all feel sorry for Ryou
"Hmm…yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers…" said Fubuki to himself, coming up to a wall, his face about three inches from it. "Yes indeed…this is most certainly a wall…"
"Like every other wall you've dragged us next to all day," Ryou said darkly. "How many walls do you need to stand next to before we ever hope to get the slightest lead to where Asuka is?"
"It is NOT like every wall we've looked at!" yelled Fubuki indignantly. "Every wall is special!"
"Well, I suppose they aren't carbon copies of each other, no…" said Ryou.
"For instance, the last wall we ran into was very happy-go-lucky and had a relaxed outlook on life!" said Fubuki. "Now THIS wall is clearly a solemn intellectual wall that tends to be a little bit broody!"
"Really?" asked Mobster. "I thought it was just a stuck-up jerk!"
"What?" asked ASV.
"…yeah…" said Ryou. "Let's see…we're probably somewhere on Brook Street right now, and Asuka was heading in the general direction of-"
"WAIT!" screamed Fubuki, slamming his face into the wall, causing several large bits of brick and plaster to fall out of it, as a bunch of cracks went up and down it upon impact.
"If your brain froze again, you just had to tell me," said Ryou. "I'd be more than willing to smash your head with something heavy."
"ASUKA'S BEEN HERE!" screamed Fubuki, digging his face out of the wall.
"Hm?" asked ASV.
"She's been here!" said Fubuki, wildly waving a pointed finger at the wall. "She's been here, because I caught a brief trace of her scent on it! She was leaning on this wall right here about a half hour ago! She's close…oh so close…"
"Her scent?" asked Ryou.
"Yeah…it's scenety…" said Fubuki. "Oh, and I also found a trace of her DNA, which due to the fact that my DNA identification device is under my tounge, I had to slam my face against the wall and furiously lick it!"
"…every day I learn something about you I don't want to know," said Ryou.
"For all we know, she could be in this building right now!" said Fubuki. "We need to go inside!"
"How do we know she's in there?" asked Ryou. "For all we know, she could have just stood by the wall and left."
"WE CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE!" said Fubuki. "We must become brave, undercover espionage experts and find out for ourselves…if only Butch was here…"
"That duck thing?" asked Mobster. "What happened to him anyway?"
"Well, when I got beamed up to the alien space ship I sort of lost him on the way. The signals must have been screwed up, and he was teleported somewhere else," said Fubuki. "Wherever he is…I HOPE HE'S HAPPY!"
"Aliens?" asked Ryou.
"How about this then?" said ASV. "You two try to get into the restaurant to see if Asuka's in there, and we'll patrol the city to try to find her if she's not."
"That's the most sensible idea I've heard all day...which is a bad sign that something senseless is about to happen. How can we contact you if we find anything?"
"I don't know…usually we use smoke signals…" said Mobster. "Oh, wait, hang on! I've got it! We'll use-"
With that, she twirled around, turning temporarily into a blur of smoke and air. When she slowed down, eventually stopping, she had in her hands-
"PORTABLE TELEGRAPH MACHINES!" she said, holding a huge, heavy-looking telegraph in each hand, nearly causing her to fall over from the strain of holding them up.
"SWEET!" screamed Fubuki, quickly snatching one out of her hands. With that, she teetered over in the opposite direction, crashing onto the ground.
"You do realize that I don't know Morse Code," said Ryou. "Do you Fubuki?"
"Oh! I do! I do!" said Fubuki. With that, he made a hacking noise in the back of his throat, followed by him spiting out a great wad of saliva onto his hand, eagerly holding it out to the other three, waiting for one of them to shake it.
"That…isn't Morse Code…" said Ryou.
"It's not?" asked Fubuki. "Then that punk from the YMCA owes me six bucks!"
"Well, that's okay, we don't know Morse Code either!" said Mobster cheerfully.
"So what your basically saying is that we're stuck," sad Ryou.
"Well, we kind of don't have any other options at the moment," said ASV in a bewildered tone. "The last time Mobster tried smoke signals, we were deported from Iceland."
"They had it coming to them, darn Icelandians…" said Mobster. "I mean, their houses are made out of wood. How stupid is that?"
"Not at all?" said ASV.
"Well, how about if either of us gives any kind of signal to the other, then that means that we found Asuka," said Ryou. "Fair?"
"Sounds good to me," commented ASV.
"Fat kid," Mobster muttered darkly.
"Oh come on, someone shake it!" Fubuki said saidly, offering his spit-drenched hand out to the others, who were all politely refusing. "DON'T LET MY SALIVA BE IN VAIN!"
"Please don't force me to partner with him…" said Ryou. His pleas were ignored.
---ooo---
"You sure this is the right place?" asked Dartz to the others, who were dressed up in clothing that was fit for some fancy dinner party.
"Yep!" said Valon, looking at the piece of paper, which contained crude drawings consiting of a flying cow, a WWII Airplane attacking said cow, a mermaid, a gang of pirates on a ship, a huge robot that had flames coming out of it's mouth, and a stick figure George Clooney. "According to this detailed map, we are to come to this restaurant and wait for our sorry lives to end."
"Alister!" Dartz said angrily to Alister, who was dressed in his normal Doom Biker outfit instead of a fancy tuxedo like the others. "Why aren't you wearing your outfit?"
"Because you can't pay me enough money to put THIS on…" snarled Alister darkly, holding up the black, sequin dress with a butterfly hem and a huge bow across the middle.
"Oh come on!" said Dartz. "People love it when you cross-dress!"
"Well one, I hate it, two, it gets dull and repetitive, and three, WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU WEAR THE DRESS?"
"Well, Raffy can't because he's too masculine, Valon can't because he's too masculine, and both me and Ziggy can't because we don't feel like it," said Dartz. "So really, all that leaves is you."
"What makes you think that I feel like doing it?" yelled Alister.
"Because you've done it before!" said Dartz.
"SO WHAT?" yelled Alister. "And while we're on the same note, how come I even HAVE to wear a dress?"
"Because this restaurant is a high-profile dating spot!" said Dartz. "If we don't go in with a date, then people will suspect something!"
"Oh yeah, because it's not at all suspicious that a girl would date five men at once," said Alister darkly.
"What makes you think we're all going in?" said Dartz. "We just need a couple in there so they can scan the inside and make sure nothing suspicious is going on. We're going to be patrolling the surrounding area for suspicious activity and attempting to break in by other means!"
"And just WHO is going in with me?"
Valon just smile deviously and gave Alister the eye.
"NO," snarled Alister.
"Alister, come on!" said Dartz. "It's for the better of mankind!"
"Don't care," said Alister.
"Alister…I can ask you nicely, or I can get out Jojo," said Dartz evilly.
"You…wouldn't…" Alister said.
Dartz just smiled darkly, and slowly, ever so slowly, pulled out a sock pupput with two buttons for eyes (a red one and a green one) and an X for a nose, as Alister shuddered in terror.
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!" Alister shrieked in terror. "BUT I WON'T LIKE IT! AND DON'T ANY OF YOU THINK THAT I'M TRYING MY HARDEST TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DESTROY THAT ENVOY OF PURE EVIL!"
"Yeah yeah Alister," said Dartz. "Just put the dress on."
---ooo---
"Another dead end…" said Asuka sadly, as she stood in front of a huge sign that said 'DEAD END' in a random alleyway. "All clues and trails are leading to naught…oh well…maybe then the one that lead me downtown may be the one that I'm-"
"Asuka?"
From somewhere in the alley, a muffled voice called out to her, as she gazed over her shoulder to glance at the speaker. However, what she saw was absolutely nothing but an empty exit to the alley. Figuring it was just a figment of her slowly depleting sanity, she ignored it.
"A-suk-aaaaaaaaaa…" said the voice again, causing Asuka to snap around, this time much quicker, to see that, once again, no one was behind her. She looked all over the place, but no one came foreward. She was once again staring at nothing but empty air.
"Alright…show yourself…" she said, instintivly creeping away from the source of the voice. "I'm warning you…I'm pretty cross the evening…"
"Asuka, it's me!" cried the voice, as Asuka finally identified the source…a large garbage can. Moving very slowly so as not to create too much excess noise, she crept up to the garbage can inch by inch, moving steadily forward until she became only a two feet away from the can. For a moment, she did nothing. Then, with lighting fast reflexes, she ripped the lid off with such force that it caused the can to wobble violently, falling on its side and spilling out its contents on the ground.
"Shou!" she cried in shock, as her friend and comrade lay on the ground, surrounded by the random contents that one would find in a garbage can (remains of food, broken glass, large bits of plastic wrap, etc). "What are you doing here? What were you…what?"
"Uh…funny story…" said Shou.
"WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO GO TO VEGAS AND ELOPE WITH A HILLBILLY?" yelled Alexis.
"Youthful ignorance?" said Shou.
"You don't say," said Alexis. "And becoming a runaway groom on top of everything else…"
"I have a fear of commitment," said Shou.
"I see," said Alexis. "And why you happened to be hiding in a garbage can?"
"Funny thing about the LVPD…when someone goes missing, they don't fool around…" said Shou. "It didn't help that my ex-fiance also turned out to be, not a Hillbilly, but a high profile military tactician who has access to a lot of really nasty, really deadly weapons, and she's crossing the country in a military tank with little care, if any, for whatever or whomever she runs over."
"We've seriously got to work on your taste in women," said Asuka. "Ah…never mind. Right now, we're trying to finally chase down the entity of evil and send it back to the horrible dimension which it came from…with or without the aide of the happy chorus."
"Friends?" chirped the oh-so-familiar voice of Seta, who stuck her head into the alleyway.
"FINALLY! LITERARY IRONY IS ON OUR SIDE!" cried Alexis. "SHOU! GET HER!"
"Can I blow her up when I do?" asked Shou.
"No!" yelled Alexis. "If you do, you'll release the chaotic energies from it's physical constraints and level this entire city block! Catch her, but bring her back in one-"
"Oh dear, she ran off," said Shou, as Seta happily skipped away from the alleyway, humming a happy tune.
"PURSUE! PURSE AND CAPTURE AT ANY AND ALL COSTS!" yelled Asuka, bolting off in the direction her hated adversary skipped off.
---ooo---
"Yes…uh huh…yes, they're purple, I swear…yes purple and wobbly you sicko," said Sandy, talking into the phone in the restaurant. "Honestly…yes I'm wearing them…yes…uh! How rude! How can you…no…NO! OF COURSE NOT! Honestly you…what…GREEN? You're kidding…green AND round? Oh my god, of all the sick little low-brows I've met in my entire life, you've got to be-"
Ding-ding-a-ling…
"Oh, sorry, got to call you back Ma," said Sandy, hanging up the phone, as Ryou walked into the restaurant. "Bonjour monseuir, and welcome to…"
She stopped in mid-french accent.
"Waitasecond…why are you…alone?" she asked darkly.
"Well, actually, I'm-" Ryou started.
"This is a fancy, date-tastic restaurant, pig dog…" she said. "A person who even halfway THINKS of coming alone or without a date must be…up to something…"
"No, you don't understand-" Ryou tried again.
"So what are you, HM?" Sandy said darkly. "A spy? A homicidal maniac? A member of a red-robbed pencilphilic gang of wanna-be world destroyers? A LIBRARIAN? A DERANGED LITTLE MAN WHO RUNS ALL OVER TOWN WEARING A TEA TOWEL AND SCREAMING THE WORD 'BUTT' AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS? WHAT IS IT? HUH? WHAT? WHAT?"
"Look, let me just-" Ryou started.
"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU DISGUSTING HEATHEN!" screamed Sandy at the top of her lungs, making a cross with both of her pointer fingers. "I'M CLEAN! I'M CLEAN! I BANISH YOU IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!"
"Please, could you just-" Ryou tried, in a much more irritated tone.
"HELP! POLICE!" screamed Sandy. "SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE! IT'S AN EMERGENCY! THERE'S A MADMAN HERE! HE'S MAD! MAD I SAY! HE'S OFF HIS NUT! SWAT TEAM! SEDATIVES! THE NATIONAL GUARD! ANYTHING! WOULD SOMEONE-"
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!" yelled Ryou at the top of his lungs, nearly sending Sandy flying backwards in the force of his rage.
Silence, as several people quieted and looked up from their tables.
"…please…" said Ryou.
"Alright, yeesh," said Sandy, in a huffy tone. "Honestly, you don't need to throw a fit."
Ryou managed to safely conceal an angry twitch.
"I'm sorry…my…'date' will be just a second…" said Ryou angrily.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE SHE COMES, MS. A-MEEEEER-IIIIII-CAAAAAAAAA…" sung Fubuki at the top of his lungs, wearing a skin-tight black sequin dress with spaghetti straps, as well as black pumps, as well as, like Tristan, a ridiculous amount of makeup that almost made him look like a clown. Also, he had tried to do what seemed to be curling his hair, which turned out horribly, making him look like he was wearing a haphazardly ripped up piece of shag rug. On a positive note, as mentioned in one of the previous chapters, he had shaved his legs in anticipation of wearing some form of women's clothing. However, on a negative note, he had not shaved his pits.
"I see…" said Sandy, managing to muster a polite smile when her instinct was to scream out in mirthful laughter. "Well…it's not the greatest improvement, but it's legit. Welcome both of you to Chez Moufette!"
"I WUV YOU!" screamed Fubuki, grabbing Ryou in a bone-crunching hug. This twitch of anger on Ryou's part was not so easily hidden.
"You know, I'm very tempted to add insult to injury and put you at a table right next to the front window so that all who pass by could see you…" said Sandy with a sadistic smile.
"I'm very tempted to rip both your heads off with my bare hands, but I'm somehow holding back," said Ryou.
"Table for two in the darkest, most secluded part of the room it is then," said Sandy cheerfully.
---ooo---
Man, the chapters have been short lately…
Next time, subway race! Break ins! A sponge! And so much more! See you then!