Oooh, I'm scary!
Here's the next chapter! Oh my god…Forty? No way…forty? That's like…OLD! And I'm late! Very late! Hey, wait a minute…how come we drop the 'u' from four when we spell 'forty'? That completely makes no sense! DARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!
Chapter Forty
THE PASSION OF BUCKY 10-JOIN
"Eh…vat…vat am I…" said Zigfried, as his eyes slowly opened, despite the huge lump on his head.
"Cool, he's up," said Dartz dully, giving him a killer glare.
"Darnit, he's up," said Raffy, holding an air horn, a huge mallet, and a rubber chicken over Ziggy's head, looking incredibly eager to use them.
"Um…ja…so uh…" said Ziggy.
"Well, we've managed to break into a public restaurant despite a devastatingly large amount of noise and lack of outward resistance from the police," said Dartz-
---ooo---
"Say chief, it appears that this window was broken into by force, and that there are three strange men in black clothing inside," said a police officer to the chief outside. "Should I beat the living sugar out of them and drag them out while the warrant's pending?"
"Whoa whoa whoa Officer Lookoutforthemonkey," said the Chief. "Who do you think you are, some dude from 'Grey's Anatomy'?"
"Isn't that, like, a hospital show?" said Officer Lookoutforthemonkey.
"Shut up blueface," said the Chief. "Just go string an exhausting amount of 'Police Line-Do Not Cross' tape, and I'll go call 'Wildest Police Videos'."
---ooo---
"-so the only thing we have to do is worry about is finding some significant clue that provides a fair introduction for the upcoming chapter before they finish up stringing the police tape or the reader's tiny attention span runs out and they need to switch to the next scene anyway," said Dartz.
"LOOK! I FOUND A CLUE!" said Raffy, pointing to a little piece of red cloth on the ground that had a huge 'A CLUE' sign pointing to it.
"Hm…red cloth…it's such an obvious clue that we must be on the right trail!" said Dartz. "This way men!"
Meanwhile in the next scene Ryou was having the worst date ever
"What kind of idiot shoves gum in a power outlet?" Ryou asked, holding a limp power cord that was attached to a bunch of some of the most technologically advanced instruments devised by mankind…which of course only worked when it was plugged in. "I knew I should have sprung for a portable generator instead of buying a bunch of microphones so I can make stuff for 'YouTube'…"
"Hey dude, I'm a generic idiotic minion placed in the story solely to help get the plot moving," said a guy in a tone just loud enough to be heard dressed in red robes, standing in some convient shadows toward the edge of the room near the 'Employees Only' door.
"Me too, said another minion in the shadows. "Let's go through this door that clearly stands out as something that a normal person shouldn't walk through, thus adding the element of temptation along with their curiosity to find out what a pair of strange men in red cultist robes would be doing in a fancy restaurant."
"Right behind you," said the other guy with a stupid smile, giving his buddy a nod. With that, the two quietly slunk over to the door, and barely making any noise, they opened it with barely a creek and slunk in.
"Hm…my supporting character instincts are tingling…I have a strong, carnal urge to follow them," said Ryou to himself. "However, being well aware of the spiritual sanctity of the Employees Only door, I have a feeling that if I make any sort of move to invade such a holy sanctuary, I will possibly face some sort of guardian force of a bizarre and perhaps sinister…"
Silence.
"Well, I'm friends with a maniac, so it can't be that much different…" said Ryou, opening the door.
---ooo---
"Attention passangers! We are now entering our next exit! Welcome to downtown-huh…entering our next exit…that's sort of a conundrum, isn't it? No, it's not…but…it sounds cool, doesn't it? Entering our next exit? I mean, the words are complete and utter opposites, so to be used in the same sentence, separated only by a small conjunction, isn't that something? It reminds of this one time I was with my-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
BAM SLAM BAM CRASH KA-PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!
"Hello, I'm a subway announcer that doesn't go off on tangents. Welcome to downtown Domino City!"
The subway slowly crawled onto the exiting platform, as it slowed down (caused by a decrease in overall velocity, also refered to as negative velocity, which can be calculated by measuring distance over time, so as an object slows down, it's covering less distance overtime. If you want to calculate velocity at home, simply use the standard formula VelocityDistance/Time. For extra fun, calculate velocity at several points, draw them on a graph, and calculate the slope (change in y/change in x) to find acceleration!) to an eventual stop with a slow, squeaky screatch from it's brakes. The door of the subway opened automatically with a dull scraping sound, as a bunch of people eagerly scampered off to tend to their own affairs.
On staggered, trembling steps, Shou and Asuka both slowly walked out of the door, wobbling and trembling, and nearly falling onto the ground, as if they had been on a boat.
"That…was perhaps one of the more traumatic events of my young life…" said Asuka.
"It feels…like my soul's dying…" said Shou.
"That man REALLY has ugly feet," said Asuka.
"Uh…huh…" said Shou weakly.
"Well…we can't wallow in past failures!" said Asuka. "We may have been severely abused on many levels, but the trail of Seta continues!"
"But how are we going to pick up her trail?" asked Shou.
"Insane people often attract and are attracted to insane people," said Asuka. "All we need to do is find a suspicious person and question him or her until we have the answers we need!"
"That sounds dangerous…" said Shou.
"Compared to everything else we've done today, it's about as easy as it gets," said Asuka. "Okay, who looks suspicious?"
"REPENT SINNERS!" screamed a man dressed in a chicken suit, sitting in the middle of subway station on a blanket next to a sign that said 'High Praise to the Poultry'. "THE AGE OF MAN IS SLOWLY ENDING, AND THE AGE OF THE CHICKEN PEOPLE IS UPON US!"
"Found one!" Shou said, pointing to the man.
"Excuse me sir!" Asuka called, running up to the prophet in a chicken suit. "Have you seen someone pass b-"
"HEATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" yelled the man at the top of his voice. "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THE NAME OF A COMMMON PEASANT? YOU MUST REFER TO ME AS SLAP-JIM-BOB, THE ALL SEEING EYE OF POLTROIDS!"
"…I'm sorry," said Asuka. "Have you seen-"
"HEATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" yelled Slap-Jim-Bob, The All Seeing Eye of the Poltroids. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THE WORD 'HAVE' IN A SENTENCE? FROM NOW ON, IF YOU WISH FOR THE ALMIGHTY SLAP-JIM-BOB THE ALL SEEING EYE OF THE POLTROIDS TO ACKNOWLEGE, YOUR PRESENSE, YOU MUST SAY 'ART THOU' INSTEAD OF THE DISGUSTING WORD!"
"Um…Art…thou…seen the-"
"HEATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" he yelled again. "TRULY YOU ARE OF A PUTRID BLOOD IF YOU USE SUCH COMMON WORDS AS 'UM' IN YOUR SENTENCES! IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD WORDS TO SAY BESIDES WORDS EXPRESSING A TEMPORARY LOSS OF WORDS, THAN MAY YOUR SOUL BE DEVOURED BY THE RABID MAN-PEANUT ZORTHRAR!"
"FINE! ART THOU SEEN SOME CHICK WITH A PINK SKIRT AND HUGE EYES RUNNING AROUND CARRYING A HUGE RABBIT?" yelled Asuka at the top of her lungs in frustration.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed the man in the chicken suit. "SURELY YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF ONE WHO WEARS A PAIR OF PINK BOOTS?"
"Yes, she does," said Asuka eagerly.
"AND WITH SHORT BROWN HAIR?" asked the chicken man.
"Yes, yes that's right!" said Asuka.
"AND DOES SHE SING IN THE SHOWER, EAT HER PIZZA BACKWARD, AND DANCES WHILE WEARING FUZZY UNDERWEAR?" asked the chicken man.
"Uh-I mean I don't know…but it doesn't sound terribly out of something that she'd do…" said Asuka.
"THEN THE TIME OF THE APPOLCOLYPSE HAS ARRIVED!" screamed the man at the top of his lungs, getting up from his small corner of the station, knocking over the sign in his mass panic. "THE DARK MISTRESS WALKS THIS EARTH! RUN! FLEE! CONFESS FOR ALL THINE SINS! THE RAIN OF ACID CHICKENS SHALL BEGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!"
He then ran screaming at the top of his lungs all the way out the door, screaming and crying his head off, as many people stared as politly as they possibly could, as well as trying to stifle laughs of mirth.
"And everyone calls me nuts for thinking she's completely evil," Asuka said.
"And your saying that guy is sane?" asked Shou.
"…good point, let's just go…" said Asuka.
---ooo---
"Hm…interesting…" said Ryou, as he walked down the long corridor that spanned from the 'Employees Only' door. It actually seemed to be a walkway that was constructed entirely of columns of ancient, crumbling stone, covered from top to bottom with ruins dating to a long lost era of peace and prosperity throughout the realms.
"It seems that this is actually some sort of ancient tomb from a long lost age…which is both appropriate for a plot point and not straying too far from the vague sense of reality that holds this story together," said Ryou. "Now then, since we're in an ancient temple, that means this place is probably coated wall-to-wall with traps."
The second he finished saying the previous sentence, a huge axe came out of nowhere, crashing into the opposite wall. If Ryou had been three centimeters farther backward, he would have had his entire back ripped off.
"HA! Mere boobie-traps can't kill me!" said Ryou triumphantly. "I'm a supporting character!"
SMASH!
"But…they can cause…grievous injuries…that instantly heal…" said Ryou, on the ground in extreme pain after a mallet burst out from the wall somewhere, giving him a good, solid deck on the head. "Now comes the inevitable insult to injury."
"'Ello punk," said a huge, snarling, masculine voice above Ryou's head, as he was staring at the sparkly shoes seemingly attached to a fat, hairy pair of legs. As his eyes found their way up the colossus, the stopped to see that the man…woman…homo sapien in front of them was wearing a pink tutu, had a pair of sparkly fake wings, and held a wand that turned out to be a tin-foil wand taped to a popsicle stick.
"Wow, I've magically been restored to full health to face any punishment that you give me," said Ryou, suddenly getting up, completely healthy.
"Oim da beautiful fairy princess sent to destroy you," said the man/woman/lump of DNA that stood in Ryou's path. "Prepare to die, meat puppet."
"Whoa whoa whoa, lets back up for a second," said Ryou. "Ms…Mr…Fairy Princess, why do you need to destroy me?"
"Cause diss in an ancient tomb, and dat's da kind of stuff that happens in ancient tombs," said the Fairy Princess. "Now back to dying."
"Why the heck would they hire an androgynous fairy princess to guard an ancient tomb?" said Ryou. "And come to think of it, I'm seriously questioning if I'm the last man in this entire story that hasn't cross dressed once."
"Dude, what does 'androgynous' mean?" asked the Fairy Princess.
"…man, you can just cut the subtext of this story with a knife," said Ryou.
"GET READY TA DOI YA PANSY!" said the Fairy Princess, raising his/her wand up in the air.
"Oh yeah, tin foil," said Ryou flatly, as the Fairy Princess's muscles flexed in a rather threatening manor. "Whatever shall I do in the face of a man who can attract radio signals?"
However, just as he finished saying that, a bunch of really scary gothic church music played in the background, as the wand grew within the fairy princess's hands, until it suddenly became a three-foot long saber with the edges of the tin foil star now turned to razor-sharp steel, with the words 'THE DOOM' written on it in huge, sparkling, blood-red letters.
"Oh…I hate irony…" said Ryou acidly.
"TOIM TO DOI!" screamed the fairy princess, raising back the wand like a coiled spring.
Figures it ends here…Ryou thought, as the scene suddenly unfolded in front of him in slow motion. Why is it that the really angsty-looking people have to die first? Is there no sense of justice in the fandom? Is that the way life has to be? Darn…just think of everything I'm going to miss…college…marriage…kids…new episodes of 'House'…
"DO NOT LAY A HAND ON THE INNOCENT ANGST-HEAD, OH MIGHTY FAIRY PRINCESS!"
Both of them turned around vaguely to see the mighty avatar of insanity, the champion of the ludicrous, the paladin of silliness, MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN!
"Fubuki! What the heck are you doing down here?" yelled Ryou angrily. "And…why are you wearing slightly more ridiculous clothing than usual?"
"HA! I AM NOT FUBUKI!" said Fubuki. "I am the deathbringer to the sane! I am the guardian angel that strikes down on all who dare to be normal! And you are threatening my friend, therefore, I must punish you in a highly unpleasant manor!"
"Well oim prettier dan you are," said the Fairy Princess.
"CHYAH RIGHT! IN YOUR DREAMS!" said Fubuki. "AT LEAST PEOPLE CAN TELL WHAT GENDER I AM!"
"Not necessarily true," said Ryou.
"SHUT UP MAN BOOBS!" said Fubuki.
"At least people are afraid of me!" said the Fairy Princess.
"At least I'm not wearing pink!" said Fubuki.
"At least when oi wear a skirt, oi have the guts to say it's a skirt and not 'decorative lace'!" said the Fairy Princess.
"…touché," said Fubuki. "Anyhoo, TIME TO UNLEASH THE POWER OF THE MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI-NESS!"
"DEN YOU SHALL BE BURNiNATED!" screamed the Fairy Princess.
The following is paid announcement from some really fat government officials wanting to impress you before elections
"Hello, I am Shrilanka-San, writer of this fanfiction," said Shrilanka, sitting in a chair in front of her computer. "I have been paid a massive amount of money, amounting to four dollars, twenty four cents, and a handful of reduced salt peanuts to inform the general public of the many risks of releasing two major sources of feminine male energy at the same time. You see, feminine male energy is an incredibly difficult power to master, because it contains the elements of both masculinity and femininity for reasons that science has yet to explain."
In other words she was too lazy to look it up
"Shut up italics!" yelled Shri. "So when these two distinct elements come in contact with each other, the girl power reacts against the guy power-"
Boy, this sounds a thousand times more disgusting than it should
"I SAID SHUT UP ITALICS!" yelled Shri. "So basically…there's a really big explosion…yeah…so if you possess kick-ares girly-man powers, use them wisely, for if not, bad things can happen man…really bad things…yeah…"
You just didn't feel like writing a really dramatic fight scene so you just made this really bad public service announcement instead
"Uh…yeah, pretty much," said Shri awkwardly.
You know you can get arrested for that, right?
"…I don't know who you are, but I won't easily forgive this…" said Shri.
---ooo---
"Wow…that was possibly the most amazingly dangerous natural phenomenon I have ever witnessed that I miraculously survived without a single scratch on me for no adequately explored reason," said Ryou, amidst the smoldering rubble that used to be that particular section of the tomb, as Fubuki and the Fairy Princess both lay in a crumpled heap. "Yay for literary impossibilities."
"Ryou…come…closer…" said Fubuki, laying in a heap on the ground.
"Oh no," said Ryou. "The last time I fell for that one, you tried to shave my hair off."
"I…don't think…I'll last…much…longer…" said Fubuki.
"I told you to go before we went to the restaurant, but do you ever listen? No," Ryou said.
"I can only pray…a day will come…where there…will be no need for man skirts…where anyone…can wear anything…and society…can accept that…" said Fubuki. "I will wait…for that day…patiently…"
"You don't have to pause every two words…its rather creepy frankly," said Ryou.
"Take…good care…of…Spongey…" said Fubuki.
"What about your sister?" asked Ryou.
"I have a sister?" asked Fubuki.
"Yeah…Asoka…" said Ryou.
"Now you're doing it!" said Fubuki.
"…okay, why are we friends again?" asked Ryou.
"ROSEBUD!" screamed Fubuki, before he completely collapsed on the floor.
---ooo---
"Skipping, skipping, skipping away, la la la la la…" sung Seta, happily bouncing up the street toward the restaurant.
"HOW THE HECK CAN ONE GIRL SKIP SO FAST?" yelled Shou, as he and Asoka continued to chase after her as fast as they could.
"Come to think of it, how come we managed to get all the way from the subway station to this point so quickly?" asked Asuka.
"You're the smart one, you should be telling me!" said Shou.
"We're catching…up!" Asuka panted. "Come on Shou…just a little farther!"
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Asuka dug her heals into the ground as hard as she could to stop herself, causing Shou to bump into her back, as she managed to halt just in time. From around the corner, a huge pillar of flame shot out in front of her, nearly consuming her in flames, but somehow missing Seta, who continued to skip merrily down the road. Before Asuka could even think of taking up the pursuit, she was halted by a huge, reloading 'click', followed by the footsteps that can only be caused by spiked healed, black leather boots, as what stepped forward revealed itself to be the figure of a familiar face.
"Hello Asuka…Shou…" she said, a carnal smile on her face, as she pointed the mega plasma cannon/flamethrower with 'Forebreeze' printed across it.
"Red Dwarf?" asked Asuka in realization, as Red Dwarf smiled another sinister smile, darkly pleased that she was recognized. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be…I mean…"
"Funny," said Red Dwarf. "When someone is staring down the throat of a plasma cannon, you'd think they'd try to run…"
"No, I mean…this is just such a radical change!" said Asuka. "You really, really don't look very well-"
"I'm bored, time to barbeque you," sad Red Dwarf.
"Hey! That's really rude!" said Shou.
"I don't care anymore…" said Red Dwarf. "I've lost everything. Seto's gone. DUMBARSE has completely collapsed…the schools in ruins…my best agents have been dubbed…I'm fed up. I have nothing left to lose anymore. And I'm making it so no one else will either."
"Explain," said Asuka.
"When Ebony Crow got dubbed, I didn't know what to do," said Red Dwarf. "I tried to call a meeting of my fellow fangirls…but they were all gone…dubbed…all of them…there was nothing I can do…I couldn't get a single word out of them that made any sense and wasn't stupidly voiced."
"Oh…" Asuka said.
"I was devastated…I didn't know what to do…so I turned away from it all…" said Red Dwarf. "After a brief period of angst that didn't get any screen time in this story, I'm reborn. I am determined to turn my vengeance into my power, a power that will shatter the foundation of the horror of dubbing!"
"Soooooooo…why are you pointing the cannon at us?" asked Asuka.
"You're in my way, don't take it personally," said Red Dwarf.
"In other words, this is just a period of blind destruction," said Asuka.
"Shut up and get crispified," said Red Dwarf, as her finger twitched around the trigger.
---ooo---
Will Asuka and Shou survive? What horrors await at the end of the Employee's Only hall? Find out next time!
Paid for by Future Physics Nerds of America.