It's goooooooooooooood stuff!
Okay people, it's finally here. The one. The only. This is the…second to last chapter. Yes. It's true. I'm not lying. I swear! After spending chapter after chapter of trying to tie the loose ends of the million mabazillion subplots to the story, and to prevent it from dragging to oblivion, the day has finally come where I successfully managed to do it!
Oh yeah, and thank you all for being patient while waiting for me to respond to all of your reviews. You people are awesome!
ONTO ZEE NEXT CHAPTER!
Chapter Forty One
NOT SO FAST!
Marik actually looked like he was trying to use his brain.
This was a bad thing on multiple levels of reality. It was bad because his eyes were open so wide it looked like he was trying to pop out his eyeballs. He also looked like he was borderline of having a seizure, twitching violently. He looked so focused that if someone even brushed against him, he'd explode. His teeth grit, he growled angrily, he focused every aspect of his bleached-blonde power to overcome one small, pathetic obstacle-
"Marik…"
Concentrate…concentrate…concentrate…
"Marik?"
Consentrate…consentrate…
"Woo hoo. Marik…"
"Can't…talk…Odion…consen…trat…ing…" said Marik, barely managing to squeeze out the words between his teeth.
"…I'm not going to have to hit you again, am I?" asked Odion.
"Force field…around door…too strong…Spongy…inside…can't…" Marik said.
"What? Force field?" asked Odion, turning to the Employee's Only door, of which Marik was concentrating on so hard that it looked like he was going to make it disintegrate. "There isn't a smeggin' force field!"
"Yes…there…is…" said Marik.
"Uh, no there isn't," said Odion, easily reaching out for the doorknob, and opening the door with one quick twist.
"GAH!! ODION! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Marik. "I HAVE NOT YET RELEASED THE SEAL! YOU UNLEASHED A PLAUGE OF A THOUSAND TRIALS UPON OUR HOMES AND FAMILIES! THE HUMAN RACE WILL WITHER AND DIE!"
"Marik, it's an 'Employees Only' sign, not a magic ward," said Odion. "And even if it was, notice how we are employees. There isn't going to be any lasting harm if we walk in there."
"…there isn't?" asked Marik.
"No," said Odion.
"Not at all?" asked Marik.
"Uh…no," said Odion.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS SOONER?" screamed Marik. "SPONGY COULD BE DYING IN THERE!"
"Because I need every single superstition that your brain cell revolves around to keep you from giving me a perpetual migrane," said Odion.
"SPONGY! THINE ENEMIES BLOOD SHALL BE THE FORFEIGHT OF THE PEACE!" screamed Marik, charging into the hallway full speed, as somewhere in the background "I'm a Heroine" began to play at max volume.
"I should have just let him have a heart attack," groaned Odion to himself, once again, reluctantly following him.
---ooo---
"Hm…doesn't it seem just a little too obvious a trail that we're following?" asked Dartz to Ziggy and Raffy, as the two continued to creep through the underground level of the building.
"Nein," said Ziggy.
"No, not in particular," said Raffy.
"Oh come on!" said Dartz. "I mean we're following a trail of little ripped up bits of cloth. PURPOSLY ripped up bits of cloth. I mean, this is a false trail! What is the other explanation? One of their cloaks is shedding?"
"YES!" said Raffy and Ziggy.
"…uh…huh…" said Dartz. "Regardless, I feel suspicious. We should take great caution as to not draw attention to ourselves. We need to be quiet, stealthy, blending into the shadows, and if danger comes, able to disappear into the shadows with speed and skill."
"Aaaaaaaw…" said Raffy, who had a huge string of lights around him arranged in a pattern that said 'we're trying to break in!' and Ziggy, who had an air horn in each hand and a huge amplifier on top of his head.
"Oh right, I forgot you were idiots," Dartz. "No matter what happens don't let yourself get-"
Before he said another word, a huge cage dropped down from the ceiling, landing with a huge, loud CLANG on the ground, completely surrounding him, Raffy, and Ziggy.
"…caught…" said Dartz.
"Can I turn on my lights now?" asked Raffy.
"Germans invented cages!" said Ziggy, poking the bars.
"DON'T YOU START THAT STUPID ARGUMENT AGAIN!" said Dartz.
"Actually, Egyptians invented cages," said Yugi, who was stuck in a cage about ten feet away from them.
"AND DON'T YOU ENCOURAGE HIM!" said Dartz, pointing an angry finger in Yami's direction.
"Well, well, well," said Leon, with two huge, red-robed pencil-cult representatives at his side, each holding a dub cannon with full clips. "It seems that I have caught you at last ZIGGY! Now it looks like I'm going to be making the rules from now on!"
"Who's the girly kid?" asked Ziggy at the corner of his mouth to Dartz, as Dartz suddenly felt like bashing his own head against one of the iron bars of the cage.
"Girly…kid…" said Leon, with tears welling up in his eyes…tears that quickly turned into pure, unrelenting, rage. "GIRLY KID? AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH-"
"-loud girly kid," said Ziggy at the corner of his mouth.
"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "Guards, take him to the inner chambers! Prepare for…the final evil rant!"
"Can't you just do it now and get it over with?" asked Dartz.
"Mmm…no," said Leon.
"Why not?" asked Dartz.
"Because we've got to see how everyone else is doing first!" said Leon.
"Why do we have to do that?" said Dartz. "It's tedious and boring!"
"It's called subplots! Deal with it!" said Leon. "SWITCH THE SCENE!"
---ooo---
"…Hey Asuka…" Shou whispered at the corner of his mouth, as he and Asuka were both trembling in fear on the sidewalk.
"…yeah?" she replied.
"How long is Red Dwarf going to stand there ranting about her personal problems before she blows us up?" asked Shou.
"-and then when I was in third grade, Jimmy STOLE my pencil, and not only was the eraser completely gone, but it was CHEWED! CHEWED ON I SAY! What kind of sick and dirty mind CHEWS on a pencil?" screamed Red Dwarf. "And it was that day that I began the long road of-"
"I dunno…good people who suffered a massive amount of trauma to an extent that they turn into emo villians tend to rant for an indefinite period of time…" said Asuka.
Quiet between them, as Red Dwarf continued to angst.
"How come we aren't running for our lives?" asked Shou in a hushed tone once again.
"We can't," said Asuka. "Our witness to the emotional breakdowns of a villain is union mandated."
"We're part of a union?" asked Shou.
"Oh yeah," said Asuka. "Union number 352, The Hero's and Comical Side Kicks Union. The Comical Side Kicks wanted to start a union of their own, but they still need to cut through all the red tape."
"Huh. I didn't know," said Shou, as the ranting continued, with a few dry sobs thrown into the mix. "Do we have any other restrictions?"
"Oh yeah," said Asuka. "When you register to become a part of the union, they give you a whole book on what you need to know," said Asuka. "The first few chapters deal with matters such as wicket cool costumes, grossly out of proportion but attractive looking bodies, the like. But the next bit deals with long, ansty speeches about right and justice versus revenge and ill will toward humanity, thought that in itself can be very flexible. Then of course, we get into the more precise rules, like charming smiles, love interest, sub topics like that."
"Wow…that's a lot…" said Shou.
"Oh yeah," said Asuka. "Anyway, one of the subtopics has to deal with long monologues from the villains that borderline emotional breakdowns. We have to patiently sit through them looking scared, and occasionally say something like 'that's horriblie' or 'he did WHAT with a pitchfork', that kind of thing."
"I see," said Shou. "So…how long exactly do these things take?"
"Well, the Villians Union and ours had a little chat, and we decided that the villain's rant has to be a bare minimal of five to ten minutes," said Asuka. "But 'Totally Spies' keeps skipping out on it…however, for the veterans, it can take anything from two to three weeks…we have to stop for every once in awhile for coffee and light snacks though."
"Wow…that's amazing," said Shou. "But how come we didn't ask for any sort of limit to how long they could rant?"
"Well, ultimately, in our particular union has to win the fight when the rant's over," said Asuka. "Besides, we should really be considering ourselves lucky. It didn't turn out so well for the other unions."
"Really?" asked Shou.
"Oh yeah, we're the Comic Genre branch of the general Hero/Sidekick unions," said Asuka. "It's awful for the poor saps stuck in the whole angsty genre. For instance, if they aren't a main character, they risk getting killed off before the final battle. This kinda stunk for them, so under intense negotiation, it came to an agreement that if that happened, they'd still be allowed to have swollen fanbases, cameo appearances in other stuff, and random, ominous Easter Eggs in other thingies," said Asuka. "But then for the main characters, they have to sometimes fight a huge final battle and die at the end of the series, their death with great and awe-inspiring emotional meaning."
"Ah…I see…" said Shou. "Wow, I had no idea that any of these things even existed…"
"You didn't?" asked Asuka.
"…no…" said Shou.
"Not at all?" asked Asuka.
"Sorry…" said Shou.
"Wasn't it kind of obvious?" asked Asuka.
"Eh…" said Shou.
"…I guess I just don't know you anymore," said Asuka. "Okay, looks like she's wrapping it up Shou. Get ready to kick some butt."
"-and that is why I must kill you here!" said Red Dwarf, laughing triumphantly. "Any last words?"
"This is the part where we say something very witty and ironic at the same time," said Asuka. "We managed to sneak this one into the perks."
"Why are you whispering about?" said Red Dwarf with a dark smile. "Already giving up? Do you want to get your face blown off already?"
"No…we were just discussing that you needed to plan this through a bit better," said Asuka, walking up to the plug that was sticking out of the wall of a building that was connected to the super awesome plasma cannon, ripping it out with one yank.
"…BLAST!" screamed Red Dwarf.
"Do we have to beat you up, or can you just slink away into your own angst?" asked Asuka.
"IT'S PUMMELING TIME!" screamed Red Dwarf, ripping out a gigantic mallet from under her trenchcoat.
"Of course…she's one of those one-track-minded villains. "Fine fine…"
---ooo---
"Can we get the rant now?" asked Dartz, as he, Ziggy, and Raffy found themselves chained to a wall.
"No, not quite yet," said Leon.
"AW, COME ON!" said Dartz.
---ooo---
"And so the Mayan civilization was actually really advance, with jet planes, and iPods, and microwave dinners, and all-terrain vehicles, and cell phones, and 'House' reruns, and cool machines that were covered in colored lights and went 'PING!' whenever you poked them!" said Bianca. "But when the British people invaded, they stole these precious treasures and took them back to Hollywood to sell them on E-bay! And so the Mayans were forced to sell BLESSED FRUIT to one day regain their former economic glory, and to save up money for a PS3! And that's why I always sleep with a knife under my pillow!"
"…fascinating…" Seto said, too disturbed to say any other words that would be even remotely humane on human ears, but too blinded by love to question her logic. "You seem very knowledgeable of tabloids."
"Thank you! You're pretty hot yourself!" said Bianca. "So tell me a little bit about yourself Lamablamable!"
"It's Seto, but the two are very easily confused," said Seto. "Anyway…I suppose since we're being honest with each other, I have to say that my life has been sort of-"
BANG!
Bianca's head hit the back of the chair, and she began to snore very loudly and obscenely.
"…she must work very hard…" said Seto, fighting back an eye twitch.
"Cool, you're done telling me about your boring life!" said Bianca, springing back to life. "Let's talk some more about fruit!"
BAM!
Insert slow but tense sounding western music here.
A sudden cold breeze suddenly whistled through the room, causing a shiver at many tables, and sparking a quick, gushy romantic instinct in some of the males in the room to give their dates a hug (oooooo). But I digress.
Standing in the doorway was the medium-high figure of a very angry forgotten plot device. Our favorite tri-colored-hair blitz beauty, Tish, fully dressed in her black, skin-tight spy ware, was standing in the doorway, the incoming breeze ruffling her chin-length hair, her eyes turning to ice as she entered, her stance bold. To all who knew exactly who this spy-chick was, a shiver ran up and down their spine. To the everyone-else-save-for-one-person-in-the-room who didn't, she sent a clear, deadly message.
I've come for the redhead.
And I brought heck, and a bunch of deadly weapons, with me.
"Welcome to Che-" started Sandy earnestly, before Tish pulled out a huge plasma cannon and turned the podium that held the log-in book, as well as several annihilated sudako books, into a pile of ash.
"…mou…fette…" altered Sandy for a second, trying to hold a smile despite the fact that she wanted to run away screaming like a little boy running home to his Mommy (she was very well trained).
"Have you met my friend Tish?" asked Bianca sweetly, as Tish literally pounced on Bianca, sending her flying out of the chair.
---ooo---
"NOW can we hear the plan?" asked Dartz.
"Mm…yeah, okay," said Leon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Ziggy. "I VANT TO SEE ZEE CAT FIGHT!"
"ME TOO! ME TOO!" said Raffy.
"SHUT UP!" said Leon, smiling evil as the three helpless idiots were chained to a wall. "It is time for me to tell you of the instruments of my world domination and your deaths."
AND NOW FOR A BAD PUN
"Like zis?" asked Ziggy, holding up a flute that he somehow managed to both have at the moment and reach at the moment.
"NO NOT LIKE A FLUTE!" screamed Leon. "My gosh, you people are stupid. Oh well…NOW! Listen well to how I shall rule the world, and make you pay for all the suffering you have caused me!"
"God, rant time," said Dartz.
"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "As you know…I plan…TO DUB THE ENTIRE WORLD!"
"With all due respect, the massive hoards of dubbers in the previous chapters sort of tipped us off about that," said Dartz.
"I said SHUT UP!" yelled Leon. "That was just a taste of my power! You see…when I joined the league of the respective Pencil Cult, they offered me many things I needed to complete my revenge…a method, a massive amount of brainwashed servants, and the power over an incredible force…but mostly the brainwashed servants. Anyoo, like a typical evil person, I made a deal with these pencil cultists-if they aided me in my conquests, I agreed to make pencils the only writing utensil available in the new world order!"
"But you neglected to tell them that in order to complete this process, you'd barely fall short of destroying the world," said Dartz.
"…yeah, pretty much," said Leon. "But is that the point? No! The point is that I managed to exploit their ability to dub even the sanest mind and turn them into the illegitimate offspring of a Disney movie and some of the earlier Barney episodes!"
"Look, you can't dub the entire planet," said Dartz. "It's impossible. It takes months on end for most people to badly dub one Anime series alone. Come on, your minions just barely pulled off dubbing a high school fer crying out loud!"
"WELL THAT'S WHERE YOUR WRONG!" said Leon, pulling out a remote control device from his pocket with a maniacal cackle, slamming his pointer finger into the red button, as sinister music played in the background.
Absolutly nothing happened.
"What the-" said Leon, pushing the button over and over again. "Stupid…evil…device...doesn't…ever…"
"Do…you need help with that?" asked Raffy.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Leon, walking toward the center of the room, where there was a huge, lumpy mass that was hidden by a long, red, curtain-like fabric. "Fine, I guess I'll just have to DRAMATICALLY unveil…THE INSTRUMENT OF-"
Ziggy pulled up the flute again.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" screamed Leon, his hand on the huge mass of fabric. "BEHOLD!"
With one clean rip, he pulled off the curtain, which fluttered across his feet and slowly drifted behind him, revealing the object that it hid. It looked like a cross between a ray gun and a huge cannon.
"THE DUBINATOR!" screamed Leon triumphantly, once again beginning to cackle evilly.
"…what?" asked all three.
"Remember that insignificant implied annoying thing that seemed to have absolutely no meaning at all back in chapter whenever?" asked Leon.
"Uh…no…" Ziggy.
"GOOD! THEN THAT MEANS MY PLAN IS IN MOTION!" cried Leon triumphantly.
"Explain…" said Dartz.
"Well, you see, that annoying thing is actually a half human, half dub being," said Leon. "At first, it seems like nothing more than a strange thing that annoys people to implied death by singing the song 'I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves' at an obnoxiously loud volume. HOWEVER, it was specifically sent out to emit a very special wave. This sound wave that comes out of its horrid and annoying mouth is specifically designed to target electronic devices and fry enough of their firewalls, electronic protection, and scans that have the potential to block off our virus."
"So that's how the Red Dog Virus managed to keep popping up!" said Dartz.
"And that was the next part of our plan," said Leon. "It was meant to cripple your electronic systems and cause them to explode. The iPods, the computers, the handheld games, even the ceiling fixtures were completely short circuited!"
"Is there a point to all this, or not?" asked Dartz.
"YES!" said Leon. "For I made sure that one specific electronic device would NOT be infected by the Red Dog computer virus!"
"ZEE SALAD SHOOTER?" asked Ziggy.
"…okay, how come everyone thinks YOU'RE the smart one?" asked Leon. "Why, I left the only electronic that is the sheer pinnacle of mind-numbing-ness today…THE TELEVISION!"
"You…wouldn't…" said Dartz in horror.
"Oh, I would," said Leon evilly. "Once I activate this cannon, it shall sent a signal to a satellite that has previously been sent into orbit. When this satellite receives the waves, it will begin beaming a signal down to every television in the world that will convert all who watch television, anywhere in the world, into mindless dubbed pawns! And then, they will finally feel no pain, no blood, just say pathetic pseudo-slang and act stupid."
"Oh…I see…" said Raffy. "You suffered so much pain and misery that your ultimate goal is to make it so no one can ever feel the heartache you felt. But in doing so, your actually doing something that does more harm than good, which you are subconsciously aware of, but this mindless sadness has driven you to a point of little care what happens."
"…yeah, that's it!" said Leon. "BUT ANALIZE THE SIGNIFICANCE ALL YOU WANT, IT SHALL BE TO NO AVAIL!"
"Not true!" said Dartz. "Your stupid annoying thing only screwed up the electronic products in Domino City! How are you supposed to make it work for the entire world?"
"Because YOU DA, I sent the 'stupid annoying thing', as well as a thousand of it's stupid, annoying brethren, AROUND THE WOOOOOOORLD!"
"Oh…well darn then…" said Dartz.
"HA!" said Leon. "AND NOW, USING MY TREMENDOUS POWER, I SHALL-"
BAM!
"NOT SO FAST!" said Marik, kicking the door down with his foot, causing it to crash down on the floor with a thud. "HOW DARE YOU SEAL OFF THE 'EMPLOYEES ONLY' DOOR, AND HAVE NOTHING BEHIND IT BUT A BUNCH OF MUSTY TEMPLES, SOME STUPID…TRAP…THINGS…AND NOT HAVE ANYTHING COOL BEHIND IT ALL!"
"Marik, stop yelling!" said Odion. "And stop defiling ancient temples!"
"You found a secret hidden cult base!" said Dartz. "Isn't that interesting?"
"BUT NON OF YOU ARE CHICKS WEARING BIKINIS, AND NON OF YOU HAVE HUGE PILES OF ICE CREAM NEXT TO VIDEO GAMES!" yelled Marik.
"…what?" asked Dartz.
"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "And now, with this device, I shall-"
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Ryou, walking into the room. "I've come here to order all of you to…how the heck did you two get here before me?"
"HEY! YOU'RE THE UGLY FAT KID WHO HUNG OUT WITH THE HOT CHICK!" said Marik.
"And you're the monobraincelled waiter," said Ryou.
"I SAID ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" said Leon. "Now as I was saying-"
BAM!
"NOT SO FAST!" said Asuka, along with Sho, both screeching to a halt after clearly have been running for quite a long way. "We're here to stop you from dubbing any more people!"
"Wait a second, how did you guys get here so fast?" asked Leon.
"With the limitless power of the humor genre!" said Asuka.
"NOT SO FAST!" screamed Tish, also rushing into the room. "Leon Schoder, in the name of Supplementary Tactical Unraveling and Persecution of Insane Delinquents, you are under arrest for trespassing, illegal use of an ancient underground cave of evil, leading a brainwashed cult without a license, being too adorable to be a villain, and…well, the obvious."
"And how did YOU get here?" asked Dartz.
"Shut up," snapped Tish.
"No you shut up!" said Leon back angrily.
"No, YOU shut up!" Tish snapped back angrily.
"No, YOU shut up!" said Leon.
"FRUIT!" said Bianca, stumbling across the room, and onto the floor with a dizzy teeter over.
"NOT SO FAST!" said Fubuki, busting into the door, now in his Magical Goth-Loli Fubuki-chan costume. "In the name of androgyny, I WILL SLAY THE EVIL!"
"Hey, you're supposed to be dead!" said Leon angrily.
"YOU CANNOT KILL ME!" cried Fubuki. "I AM INVINCILBLE!"
"NOT SO FAST!" screamed Mobster, as she and ASV ran into the room. "IN THE NAME OF-"
"OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO BUST INTO THE ROOM WHOS BEEN FORGOTTEN FOR CHAPTERS ON END?" yelled Leon angrily.
"NOT SO FAST!" screamed Double S with the rest of the Fruits Basket gang. "We found the Happy Chorus! They were stuck between a set of couch cussions at Big Lots!"
We have been forgetten
We're forgotten all the time!
Our lives have no more meaning!
Blah blah blah blah blah blah!
WADEAHOODEHADEAAO!
"ENOUGH OF THIS!" screamed Leon. "Okay, now as…oh great! Now I've lost my train of thought! THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS!"
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Yugi and Tea, running into the room.
"Oh WHAT NOW?" yelled Leon.
"Well…really were here because we felt like it," said Tea.
"Yeah, this story was supposed to have me as one of the main characters, and look what happened! I was tossed aside like nothing!" said Yugi.
"DON'T FORGET US!" yelled Joey and Tristan, Tristan still wearing drag.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, ENOUGH OF THIS!" screamed Leon. "Look, I'm sick of listening to all of this! That's it! This chapter's over!"
"WHAT?" everyone in the room screamed.
"YOU HEARD ME!" screamed Leon. "That's what you get for ticking me off!"
"You can't just end the chapter!" yelled Asuka.
"WATCH ME WOMAN!" yelled Leon. "CHAPTER ENDING POWERS…ACTIVATE!"
---ooo---
Next up, the much awaited final chapter! Stay tuned!