Well, instead of continuing my very important assignments I need to do, I decided to bring you all another travesty of justice and good taste. This time round, it's Cloudy-boy's turn in the spotlight, and it's a parody of Weird Al's "Ode to a Superman", which in turn is a parody of Billy Joel's "Piano Man".
I also apologise for the last chapter, I tried to split it up into the correct verses, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. Hopefully this is better.
WARNING! This contains yaoi references. Don't like, don't read, and bugger off and don't complain that I'm forcing you to read something you don't like.
Disclaimer, I don't bloody own any Final Fantasy character, nor the original songs. I'm just doing this for laughs, although if someone can buy me Reno, I'd gladly become their sex-slave for life.
Same time, same place, only a different night and different people. The pub is still small, the alcohol still good, and the lighting still dim, with the badly-misused karaoke machine in the corner. Perched on the corner of the bar, the ex-Turk turned science experiment, Vincent Valentine, sat quietly with one hand on his gun, intently scanning the room and its occupants.
Reno, his high tolerance for alcohol lowered thanks to the medication for the concussion gained after his fall off the stage, was currently half asleep with his head in Tseng's lap. Tseng, on his part, was talking to Rufus while idly stroking Reno's hair. Rude, on the other side of the table, was intently discovering the secrets of the universe in his lager.
Meanwhile, Elena was at the bar, showing the recording of Reno's last performance to Yuffie and Tifa, who, along with the rest of Avalanche, had stopped in for a few drinks. The maniacal giggles and the obvious blackmail plans occurring was enough to make even the bravest male steer clear of the trio.
Barret and Cid were at one of the smaller tables, showing off in the time-honoured tradition of males, having an arm-wrestling contest. Judging by the amount of concentration from both parties, there was some sort of bet on the outcome of this match. Red XIII was sitting nearby watching, just in case one or the other tried to cheat.
Dancing on one of tables near the stage, Cait Sith seemed to be trying his best to cheer up the other occupant of that table; one Cloud Strife, who seemed strangely intent upon the pint in his hand. Judging by the fact that said drink was both purple and glowing, it was some form of a mako-based cocktail, and going by the small army of empty glasses around him, not his first of the night.
It seemed that the reason for this apparent conversion to the binge-drinking culture could be found at the last table in the nearby corner. There, leather-clad and playing cards, sat none other than the Great Sephiroth himself, his glowing green gaze drifting from the cards he held in his hand to the back of Cloud's neck. Next to him sat Loz, chatting away to his silent neighbour, completely unaware that Kadaj, who was sitting on the other side of him, was taking advantage of his distraction to look at his cards. Yazoo, sitting across from Loz, could see all this happening but, judging by the fact that Kadaj was mouthing which cards Loz had at him, seemed happy to let this cheating occur undetected. Nearby on a shelf, two small glass jars, containing Jenova's head and the liquidified remains of Hojo, were both screaming at the quartet. It is to be noted that all four were steadfastly ignoring the two jars, obviously angry at the occupants.
No one knew how they came back from the dead, or why they were sitting in that bar playing cards, and quite frankly, no one wanted to wander over and ask.
Suddenly, under the effects of the sinful drink and willing to do anything to get away from the oddly-disturbing gaze of his rival, Cloud stood up and drunkenly staggered over to the karaoke machine in order to get his mind off it. Yuffie, spotting the sudden movement, alerted her fellow conspirators. Elena responded immediately by taking out her ever-present camera from her bad and started filming.
Having managed to get up on stage without any need for an ambulance, Cloud turned on the machine, opened his mouth and started to sing.
"General Sephiroth was powerful,
Rank couldn't have been any higher.
People would always notice him,
With silver hair and eyes glinting with Mako-fire."
A raised silver eyebrow came from the object of this song in the corner, while a goofy smile, a snicker, and an interest silence came from the other three occupants of that table. The rest of the room, or at least the sober ones, were all wondering when the blood shed would start.
"Then one day he found that old basement lab,
That bitch Jenova came down.
Oh, and now Sephy's started his madness fall,
And he's burning down the town!"
This verse was punctuated by a few shrill shrieks from said bitch's jar, while a small smirk appeared on Sephiroth's face. For some reason, it seemed that the ex-General did not like his 'mother' anymore.
Meanwhile, reminded by the song, Tifa sat up to glare at the ex-General, but quickly stopped when he stared back. His look was both more effective and scarier.
"Lah la lah did di la
La la lilli lahhahhah de dom"
"Sling us a materia, you're the psycho man!
Sling a materia tonight!
We're all in the mood to be heroes now,
And we need a villain to fight!"
At this point, Cloud had to step to the side in order to dodge a thrown materia. No one was sure who threw it, but for some reason Reno, who had woken up once the music started, was drunkenly giggling to himself.
"Now Zack from Gongaga's a friend of his,
Who's often hyped up on Mary Jane.
But to his great surprise, it seems Sephy prefers
To screw up other people's brains."
The laughter started getting louder, and was joined by those from the Shinra group who could remember Zack. Sephiroth, remembering the antics of his former second-in-command, gave a small snort and the smirk was back on his face. There was also a number of blank looks from those too innocent to know what 'Mary Jane' is.
"I'm going to my mother"
That's what Sephy said.
If you missed Nibelheim burning, don't worry!
You'll see that flashback again and again and again."
This time around, Tifa's glare had an extra bit of fire in it. However, it still could not compete with the cat-eyed stare, forcing yet another retreat.
"Oh lah la la, de de dah.
Lah la lili de daaa da dom."
"Now Hojo's a freaky weird scientist,
Who did his best to screw up his son.
But then he went screwy(er) and before you knew he
Was trying to breed everyone."
At this point, a growl could be heard from nearby Hojo's jar, which gave out a squeak as Red XIII, still remembering his time spent in Hojo's lab, bared his teeth at the gloopy remains of the mad scientist. His squeak for help started a ring of evil smirks and snickers from the nearby table.
"So now Sephy's running around killing things,
And throwing that materia of destruction.
Yes he's wearing that black leather coat,
But he's sexier without anything on."
A stunned silence met this verse, broken only by two whoops of laughter and wolf whistles, one from Reno and the other from Kadaj, while Loz just chortled and Yazoo gave an amused smirk.
Sephiroth just leaned forward and gazed intently at the singer.
"Sling us a materia, you're the psycho man!
Sling a materia tonight!
'Cause you're strong and fast, and we need the help,
But where did you come up with that Bizarro Sephiroth fight?"
This chorus again included an impromptu dance from Cloud as he tried to dodge a number of materia thrown at him from all parts of the room.
"It's a pretty sad day at the funeral,
Aerith the flower girl has bitten the dust.
And I heard everyone say they want Sephy dead,
But somehow I doubt they can get over the lust."
For some reason, a majority of the room either blushed or whistled innocently at this point. A couple of the audience even did both.
"Oh, and Meteor's all hot for the Planet now,
But Holy and the Life Stream shuts it down.
Sephy don't cry, you can give it another try,
When the movie comes around."
A loud cheer and laughter from the table in the corner greeted this verse, and the sound of pint glasses raising a toast could be heard, at least from three of the occupants. The fourth was too busy looking at the swaying singer on the stage with an unreadable expression on this face.
"Oh, la la la di de da.
La la, di de da da dum."
"Sling us a materia, you're the psycho man!
Sling a materia tonight!
Because we need a sexy villain for the fangirls now,
And I think you'll do all right!"
Cloud, again dodging the flying orbs, unfortunately went too close to the edge of the stage and fell, mimicking the ending of Reno's performance the night before. However, unlike last night, a pair of arms grabbed him before he hit the ground and held him against a muscled chest. Looking up, Cloud's eyes met a pair of glowing green cat eyes and a wide smirk. Gathering his prize, Sephiroth did an about-turn and walked out of the bar, accompanied by loud laughter, knowing smirks, cat-calls, and a crash as Kadaj tipped over his chair in his mirth. At least from the trio of silver-haired fighters and a drunken red-haired Turk. The rest of the room sat in silence, many shocked , mainly Avalanche, while others had eyebrows raised and smiles on their faces, mainly Turks and one President.
And Hojo and Jenova? Their screams could be heard from a mile away, but nobody really cares about them.