a longer chapter this time... once again, thanks to everyone for reviewing! love you, guys!
disclaimer: Lavender & The 8th are mine. Lavender's attitude, however, most definately belongs to Lavender. oh, yes...the Objections belong to me, too (you'll see soon)...along with anything else that is so totally random that it can't possibly belong anywhere else...
…Eight days later…
Aragorn: (paddles boat) We should go slow tonight, guys. I'm not sure how far we are from the Rapids, and I don't want to run into them unexpectedly during the night.
Lavender: (mutters) Neither do I…
Legolas: (paddles) It's okay…Aragorn will keep us safe.
Gimli: Aren't you being just a bit over-trusting? He is just a Man, after all.
Lavender: HEY!!!!
Legolas: It seems that you've touched a nerve there, friend Gimli.
Lavender: (mutters) "Just a Man"…just a man, indeed! Hmph! (crosses arms as she peers out into the darkness and looks at Aragorn) (barely audible sigh)
Legolas: (grins) (whispers) Awww…how cute!
Gimli: (whispers) What was that?
Legolas: (whispers to Gimli) You'll see… (raises voice so that Lavender can hear) He's taken, you know.
Lavender: (stares wide-eyed at Legolas) (whispers) Wait, what…? How did you…what are you…uhh…wait…what?
Legolas: (grins wickedly) Ooh…Gimli, I sense an ample opportunity for blackmail!
Gimli: (chuckles semi-demonically) You know what, Legolas? I do too.
Lavender: (gasp) You wouldn't! Would…you…?
Legolas: Oh, you never know…the opportunity may present itself at some time during this journey…
Lavender: (stares in open-mouthed shock) But—but…you ca-an't!
Legolas: (smiles) Only joking, Lavender.
Gimli: You were? And here I thought you were serious! Man…I was liking the idea of a personal servant, and now you have to go and dash my hopes.
Lavender: That was not funny, guys…not funny at all. (whispers) You seriously won't tell, will you?
Gimli: Of course not.
Legolas: (crosses fingers inconspicuously) Not a peep.
…Oh, I dunno… (looks at watch) … about thirty minutes later…
Water: (rushes wildly over big, scary-lookin' rocks)
Big, Scary-Lookin' Rocks: (loom in not-so-distant-distance)
Boromir: Are you mad, Aragorn? We can't pass the Rapids of Sarn Gebir at night…heck, we can't even do it by day!
Aragorn: TURN AROUND!!! (paddles frantically away from Rapids)
Everyone: (follows frantic example of Aragorn for a few minutes as the boats turn slowly—but surely—around)
Awesome Elvish Boats: (drift closer and closer to eastern bank of Anduin)
…Suddenly…
Arrows: (come flying out of nowhere; more specifically, from somewhere on the eastern shore)
Legolas: (looks at arrow-shaft stuck in the side of his boat) Yrch!!!!!!!!
Lavender: What does that mean????
Aragorn: ORCS!!!!!!!!!
Lavender & The 8th: (duck for cover—not much cover to be offered by boats in the middle of a river, however)
Company: (paddles even more frantically away from both Rapids and eastern shore) (eventually makes it)
Legolas: (jumps out of boat and onto bank) (strings bow, nocks arrow, and prepares to shoot something on the eastern shore) (mutters) Accursed Orcs…
…Suddenly…
Big Scary Something: (flies overhead)
Orcs: (cheer)
Frodo: (sharp intake of breath) (clutches left shoulder)
Sam: What's wrong, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: (breaths heavily) My wound from that Morgul-knife…it's growing cold again…
Legolas: (aims at the big scary something) (shoots)
Awesome Elvish Arrow: (finds its mark)
Big Scary Something: (falls) (lands on eastern shore)
Orcs: (wail cries of dismay)
(silence on both shores)
Aragorn: Let's head back upstream for a bit. (leads boats upstream) (stumbles across a shallow bay) Let's wait the night out here. Any objections?
Objection #1: (in the form of a glowing sphere hovering about three feet off the ground) (raises hand, even though it's physically impossible) Here!
Objection #2: (same form mentioned above) Present!
Aragorn: (stares wide-eyed at the pair of objections) I am going to deny I just saw that…
Objections: (in unison) What's wrong?
Legolas: Uhhh, well…I don't mean to be rude, but you are the ones that are wrong here.
Boromir: (in a strangled whisper) We are conversing with verbal oppositions!
Objections: (in unison) We heard that, you know.
Boromir: (looks skyward) Great Gondor! I'm officially insane!!!!!
Objections: pout—I know that's impossible…just bear with me, all right?) (in unison) Fine! We see how it is… (disappear)
Legolas: Elbereth Gilthoniel! That was the most random occurrence of my entire life! And believe me…I've lived for a long time…
Lavender: Welcome to Lavender-land…where random occurrences are experienced daily!
The 8th: (cracks up)
Aragorn: (looks around his surroundings in semi-paranoia) (cough) Well then…let's just spend the night here…objection, or no.
Pippin: Sounds good to me! (falls asleep in boat instantly)
Merry: (looks around) Did anyone else think that a bit odd?
The 8th: What was odd, Merry? That whole thing with the objections?
Merry: No, not that…I mean, Pippin falling asleep so quickly. I didn't think that was humanly possible.
The 8th: Well, he isn't a human…you aren't a human either, for that matter.
Merry: Oh yeah! (falls asleep instantly as well)
The 8th & Boromir: (sigh) (roll eyes) (in unison) Hobbits!
Sam: Are you trying to say something?
The 8th: What if I am?
Sam: (scowls)
Aragorn: (gingerly) Might I remind you that we are in boats on water before an all-out brawl begins? C'mon guys…I thought we were past all the stupid insults.
Legolas: Of course we aren't, Aragorn! They've always been lurking right under the fake perception of ourselves that we all feed you to help you be more secure with yourself.
Aragorn: Oh, that just makes me feel so much better…
Legolas: I try my best.
Lavender: (cracks up) This is hilarious!
Aragorn: Oh, yeah…and I'm sure the Orcs across the water are laughing it up right now too…will you all just shut up?
The 8th: What's the magic word?
Aragorn: Uhh…
Boromir: (cough) Please! (cough)
Aragorn: Will you all please just shut up?
The 8th: Of course Aragorn! Why didn't you just ask in the first place?
Aragorn: (scowls)
…About an hour later…
Gimli: Oh, I never mentioned it earlier, but that was a very nice shot, my friend. The one that killed the flying thing, I mean.
Legolas: Why, thank you, Gimli!
Lavender: (gasp) Pleasantries? Between an Elf and a Dwarf???
Gimli: Shocking, isn't it?
Lavender: (nods fervently) Yes, sir!
…In the morning…
Fog: (lies low along river and surroundings)
Aragorn: Let's get started, then.
Sam: I absolutely hate the fog. But, it seems I can try to like at least this one…it totally conceals us from sight on the eastern shore!
Aragorn: Yes, but it also conceals the enemy from us, not to mention the rapids and the path to the Emyn Muil. We will need our wits about us today, gentlemen.
Lavender: (clears throat rather noisily)
Aragorn: Oh…and ladies.
Boromir: Why don't we just stop following the river and go southwest til we get to the Entwash, then cross into Gondor and head to Minas Tirith?
Aragorn: (sigh) Because we haven't decided if we are going to Minas Tirith, Boromir. I think we should go to Amon Hen, and then we can decide where we're headed from there.
Boromir: But—
Aragorn: No "buts", Boromir. Let's go to Amon Hen.
…About mid-afternoon on the following day…
Frodo: (sees two huge pillars of rock rising from somewhere ahead of them along the river)
Aragorn: (sees the same thing) Behold, the Argonath! We will be passing them soon, and the current is swift. Keep to the middle of the stream if you don't want your boat to go crashing into them headlong.
Lavender: That could get a little messy…
Gimli: You think?
Lavender: "I think, therefore I am."
Gimli: (puzzled expression)
Legolas: (laughs) Descartes, right?
Lavender: Since when are Elves well-versed in French philosophy?
Legolas: We do get bored sometimes, you know.
Lavender: Well, yeah…but why philosophy? There are plenty of other genres…like fantasy, for instance, and…
Legolas: (clears throat) (points to self)
Lavender: Oh……right. I knew that…believe me, I did.
Legolas: Of course you did…I was only reminding you.
Lavender: (scowls)
Legolas: You are a very interesting little girl, did you know that?
Lavender: (scowls even more)
Legolas: (chuckles)
…Seven minutes later…
River: (carries company though the Gates of the Argonath)
Frodo: (looks up and around him at the steep ravine and swirling water) Cool.
Sam: (scrunches down into the smallest position possible) (sings) I wanna go hooooooooooooooome!
Merry & Pippin: (do same)
Aragorn: Will you all just shut up??? (puts hand to forehead) The echoes are giving me a migraine…plus, you sound like a pack of dogs when you sing like that.
Legolas: Aye. We mustn't give Aragorn a headache; who will yell at us if he's incapacitated?
Lavender & Aragorn: (glare at Legolas—for different reasons, of course)
Legolas: (looks from Aragorn to Lavender, then back to Aragorn) (cracks up)
Lavender: (coldly) I see nothing funny, Elf.
Legolas: Oh, but I do, little one of the race of Man.
Lavender: (opens mouth to speak, then snaps it shut again) (turns beet red) (crosses arms and looks glumly at feet)
Legolas: (sniggers)
Gimli: (still puzzled expression) I still don't get what's going on here.
Lavender: (frantically) There is nothing going on! Legolas here was just trying to be, umm…funny by dissing Aragorn.
Gimli: (confused) But…doesn't he diss Aragorn all the time? Why make a big deal about it
now?
Legolas: It's nothing friend Gimli, nothing except the mysterious mumbo-jumbo of the female mind.
Gimli: (cheerfully) Oh, well, if that's the only thing that's going on here…
Legolas: I misunderstand you…I've always thought that females don't have minds, therefore, there isn't anything capable of going on.
Both: (howl with laughter)
Lavender: (sits and stews with rage) (boils over) GRRRRRRR!
Both: (try to breathe through laughter, which has increased to ten-times the amount)
Boromir: (looks at the currently incapacitated Elf and Dwarf, whose riotous outburst is shaking the boat) Hey, Aragorn, isn't that a hazard? (jerks thumb over shoulder at the violently-wobbling vessel)
Aragorn: (looks at the tipsy boat with the equally tipsy Elf and Dwarf, who are laughing so hard, it's very difficult to proclaim them either sober or sane) (shakes head) Yeah, but we're almost to Amon Hen, so we can pull over there and give these two a breather. (shouts over to Lavender) Can't you calm those two down?????
Lavender: (darkly) Well, as they're so proud of their exquisite insults, I'd hate to spoil the fun for them.
Aragorn: Can't you at least try to calm them down???
Lavender: I already have. I'm not that stupid.
Legolas: (in between feeble gasps of air) Yes you are. (doubles over with renewed laughter)
Lavender: (sigh) (rolls eyes)
The 8th: (stifles laughter)
Lavender: (directs a withering glance over to The 8th) Why are you laughing?
The 8th: 'Cause it's funny how "well" they treat you. (giggles)
Lavender: (glares at anyone and everyone because she is so pissed)
Boromir: (to Lavender) You know, if you keep glaring, your face might get stuck like that.
Lavender: Yeah, and is that what happened to yours?
Aragorn: (sniggers)
Boromir: (pouts)
Pippin: (to Merry) I just love how much we respect each other, don't you, Merry?
Merry: Oh yeah…
Aragorn: Hey, check it out guys! Amon Hen!
Lavender: Can we land these boats already? I can't take another minute with these two hyenas.
Aragorn: (lands boat) There you go, Lavender.
Lavender: (lands boat a few feet from Aragorn's) (jumps out) (runs away into woods) (yells) FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!
Everyone Else: (stares)
Aragorn: (sigh) I'll go get her. (jogs off)
Boromir: (in an anxious voice) So, Frodo…have you decided which way we're going yet?
Frodo: Uhh… (thinks) No, Boromir, I haven't.
Boromir: (turns his back on Frodo) (through clenched teeth) Take your time…
Sam: (raises eyebrows in alarm)
…At that moment…
Aragorn: (returns with a slight limp)
Lavender: (walks behind Aragorn, silently fuming)
Gimli: (cough) Sorry for being so blunt, but what the heck happened?
Aragorn: (blushes) Nothing important…
Lavender: (mumbles inaudibly to herself)
Everyone Else: (in unison) Oka-ay…
…Five minutes later…
Frodo: Aragorn, give me an hour to think, and then I'll announce my decision.
Aragorn: (who is looking sheepishly over at Lavender sitting on a large log with her back to the Company) (looks over to Frodo) What?
Frodo: (sigh) Give me an hour, then I'll tell you my decision.
Aragorn: Oh, okay.
Frodo: (walks off)
The 8th: (walks over to Lavender) I want to go walk around for a bit. Wanna come with me?
Lavender: Okay. (walks over to boat to retrieve her and The 8th's packs) (sets off with The 8th)
Aragorn: Be careful, girls!
Lavender: (yells without looking back) OH, SHUT UP!
Aragorn: (flinches)
Legolas: Now I really want to know what happened.
Aragorn: Too bad.
never fear, we'll find out what happened/happens next chapter! until then,
dark-hearted rose.