Nothing Will Ever Change That
Chapter 80: Overburdened
A/N- This chapter was proof-read by Frost-Eva-00, thanks again for the help!
Akagi's Office – The Same Day
"Shinji, what happened to her? She looked so… disturbed," I was at Akagi's office picking up Dietlinde. For some reason, my hand is dead again, once again limp. I decided against telling Akagi about it. I really wish she hadn't seen Asuka like that… I wish I hadn't seen her like that.
"I told you… she saw me. Plain and simple," I start to pick up Dietlinde, remembering my dream as I do.
"Do you mind being a little more descriptive? She wouldn't act like that just from seeing you. What happened?" I start to walk out of the room with Dietlinde in my arms. She was asleep, so I tried to keep it down.
"She saw me kill a man…" with that, I close the door. The walk to Asuka's room was long and dreadful. I was afraid of how she was going to react to seeing me again. With a sinking heart, I knock on her door. The door swings open and I see Asuka standing there with anger in her eyes… her blue eyes… looks like the side affects had worn off.
"Give me my baby! Get away from her!" she tears Dietlinde from my arms. Dietlinde wakes up and begins to cry because of this. Asuka begins to cradle her as she glared at me.
"Asuka, I'm sorry, I-" she cut me off with a hard slap.
"Shut the fuck up!" Dietlinde was still crying in her arms, "You tortured him! You made him fight for his life! I always thought that you hated to kill anything, now you're smiling at it! I know what you did to get to me! I saw everything! You killed six men, and on every one you didn't care… you just wanted the money… you made them see the bullet coming… and you stabbed two men… the smile on your face is terriying… you're not the person I fell in love with, you're not Shinji! You're just a monster! You're just a killer!" I just stand there, wide eyed and about to cry at her actions, "I don't want you around my baby! Stay away from her and stay away from me! I don't trust you to be around her or me… I'm actually afraid of you!" with one hand, she rips off the ring, "Take this and stay out of our lives!" she throws it down the hall and slams the door shut.
"A-Asuka…" I whisper as I fall to my knees crying. I was still able to hear Dietlinde crying and Asuka trying to calm her.
"It's okay… he won't hurt you or me again… I promise…" again? No… I would never hurt them… did I? I brought this upon myself… I-I did this… I fall to my back crying. That pain in my chest once again makes an appearance and I find that I can't breath.
"Asuka…" I don't even try to get to the pills… I just wanted to die. She was afraid of me… I didn't want to endure this nightmare anymore. I had nothing else to live for; Asuka didn't love me, Dietlinde has been taken away, I can't pilot, and I'm useless. I let the darkness engulf me as I sobbed.
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NERV Hospital – The Next Day
I feel a weight on my chest… and a wet spot. Someone was there… someone was crying. Where was I? Was I dead? All I see is black, and I can't hear anything. I feel a sharp pain in my arm, and then my vision starts to come back.
"Shinji, are you awake?" it sounds like Akagi. I let out a soft whine, "Good," with nothing else said, she walks off. The weight was still on my chest, and the wet spot only grew larger.
"A-Asuka?" I look down to see brown hair… it wasn't Asuka. The person lifts up their head to show Sam's face.
"Thank God!" She lunges onto me and embraces me in a tight hug, "I was so afraid… what happened to you?" I just laid there motionless, "You were lying in the hallway… and you weren't breathing…" she cries into my shoulder. She saw me and brought me here… she saved my life…
"Why did you save me?" I have a harsh voice, "Why didn't you let me die!" she throws her head up and looks at me with tears in her eyes, "I wanted to die! Why didn't you just leave me there?"
"What are you talking about?" she had tears running down her face, "You… wanted to die?" I push away from her, making her stand up and look down on me.
"Yes! I wanted to die!" she just stood there with a confused look, "I don't have anything to live for! I just want to end it all…" she once again sits next to me.
"That's not true. You have Dietlinde, you have Asuka, and you have-" I cut her off.
"Like hell I do! Asuka hates me and I can't see Dietlinde anymore! They're both afraid of me… no one wants me around…" she just sits there. I wanted to die so badly… why won't people just let me go?
"The why did she send you flowers?" she points to the night-stand which had a toque of flowers on it. I pick up the card and read it, "I'm not a monster. I hope you live. Asuka" I once again break down in tears.
"Hey Sam, you're going to need to- ah crap…" I see Akagi walk into my room, "What happened?" She takes the card from my hands and reads it.
"I don't know! I think something happened between him and Asuka," at least someone was on track. Akagi puts down the card and hugs me, making Sam stand up once again. She leaned back and looked into my eyes.
"Shinji, what happened?" I speak over my tears.
"Asuka's afraid of me… she took Dietlinde away… she took off the ring…" I bury my face into my hands crying even harder, "She knows about the men! She knows about me killing them!" I hear Sam gasp. I bring up my head and look at her, "I killed seven men! I shot four, stabbed two, and tortured one… I'm a killer and a monster! That's the Shinji you know!" she took a step back.
"Y-You… killed… I don't believe you! You would never do that!" the old me wouldn't have. Ritsuko guides Sam out of the room and goes back to me. I was glad to see her leave; I didn't want to see anybody right now, including Akagi.
"How does she know?" I try to hold back as many tears as possible, but a few still get past.
"I-I don't know… Karsten probably told her… what can I do? I can't lose her… I just can't…" there was nothing that could be done… she was out of my life. There was nothing I could do.
"Do you want me to talk to her?" there was no point to it.
"No… I want to…" I struggle out of bed and start to walk to her room.
"Shinji, you can't risk another heart attack! Watch your stress level!" like I said, I wanted to die. On the way there, I find the thrown engagement ring. I pick it up and slip it in my pocket in hopes of a future with her. When I made it to her door, I wipe off the remaining tears and try to look calm. With all my courage, I knock on the door; "Asuka?" the door slowly opens to show her standing there with a revolver aimed at my head.
"Get out of here… now…" I just stood there wide eyed, "You think I won't do it?" she cocks it, "Try me… now leave," I slowly back up.
"Asuka… please listen to me…" I see a tear slowly form in her eye.
"No… not again, I will never listen to you again… nothing will ever change that…" she laughs a little, "I actually believed you. I really believed that we would be together for the rest of our lives, but you apparently had other plans. You told me over and over that you loved me, and I felt the same way. I still love you… I love the old Shinji… not this thing standing in front of me." I start to walk to her.
"Asuka… at least let me see Dietlinde," a loud bang echoes through the halls.
"That was a warning…" a bullet hole is on the wall behind me, only inches apart from my head, "Now leave…" the tear runs down her face.
"You want to shoot me? Go ahead. I WANT to die; I have nothing to live for." I grab the gun barrel and put it on my forehead, "Do it!" she just stood there wide eyed, "Shoot me!" she didn't make a move, "If I'm this creature you speak of, then why can't you do it? Why can't you simply pull the trigger?" I wanted her to kill me so badly.
"I…" she tightens her grip on the gun's handle, "don't… know…" I tear the gun from her hands.
"Fine! If you won't then I will!" I trust it under my chin.
"Stop!" she finally speaks up. I was so close… I was so close to death… just a little pressure will end it all… "Just stop it…" she falls to her knees, "don't do it… I know Shinji is still there somewhere… I don't want to lose him…" I drop the gun and lean down in front of her face, forcing her to look at me.
"What do you see?" her teary eyes stared into mine, "What do you see right now?" she continued to stare at me.
"I don't know… something… but not Shinji. I don't see Shinji!" I give her a warm smile.
"Do you want to know what I see when I look in the mirror?" her eyes are wide at my smile, "I see you. I see you when I look at myself. You know why?" she shook her head very slightly, "Because you're a part of me. You always will be. When you were away, all I could think of was you. I actually had a heart attack from missing you so much, I could have died from not being with you. It was because of you that I did what I did, and while I know that it was unforgivable, I will gladly go to hell just to see your face. Now, tell me again what you see," she still sat there wide eyed.
"You're eyes… are warm… you're eyes are Shinji's… those loving, caring eyes… are back…" she continued to stare at me as she put a hand gently on my face, "is Shinji back…?" even I didn't know that.
"You tell me. Am I back?" she takes her hand off my face.
"Y-Yes… I pray…" I help her to her feet as I stand up. She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, "I pray…" she lunges at me and hugs me tight. She buries her head in my chest and cries freely. I put a hand on her back as she sobbed.
"Me too…" she leans back and looks up at me.
"Did you want to see Dietlinde?" finally! I get to see my daughter!
"Yeah… please…" she takes my hand and leads me inside her room. She takes me over to the side of her crib and I look inside to see her snuggled up against the bear Asuka had picked out for her. She was asleep and snoring slightly.
"Listen… I'm sorry…" she paused for a few seconds, "but… I still can't marry you… I'm just not ready for it yet…" God I pray that she meant ready for marriage.
"But… are we still…" she shook her head.
"No…" she continued to stare into the crib, "We're not… I just can't yet…" she looked up at me, "maybe later, but not now. I'm sorry Shinji…" my heart sank into my stomach. All that work, all that time spent getting close to her was wasted. All of our bonding, all the pain, all the happiness, and all the memories, wasted. Almost four years down the drain as if it never happened. I try to hold back the tears as I speak again.
"All I want is a maybe… that's all I need to keep going," it was true. As long as there was a faint glimmer of hope awaiting me, I will work towards it. I look into her eyes as she stared up at me, and she smiled slightly.
"Quit being so dramatic, you got a happy ending, enjoy it while it lasts," I did get a happy ending. I may not have gotten her back, but I did have Dietlinde, all of my memories, and the hope of being together with her someday. That was enough for me. Nothing will ever change that… that has proven to be true this whole time… through all the hate, the pain, and the troubles, we have held onto what was left of our relationship. I love you Asuka Langley Souryu, and nothing will ever change that.
A/N- Happy ending… not really. I'm not done yet. Find out what happens in the next chapter; Trouble, until then, keep on keepin' on! Also, before anyone says anything, I did get the title of this chapter from Disturbed… and I don't own them… damn disclaimers…
A/A/N- I was going to end it right here, I really was, but I had a better idea for an ending. It wasn't until I began to write the author's note until it hit me, so I didn't re-write the story. Tell me, would that have been a good ending? I think it would have, but I want your opinion. Just tell me in your reviews, thanks!