Brief Recap and Dramatis Personae

Yami and Yugi: The ancient pharaoh had a hell of a time last story. Cursed with a horrible Egyptian… well, curse… that made him totally incapable of succeeding at whatever he enjoyed doing the MOST, which in his case was Duel Monsters, the mighty Yami found himself unable to win a duel with even the weakest and most inexperienced of opponents, and he… didn't exactly take it well. Yugi, on the other hand, had to LIVE with Yami. That might be even worse.

The pair was finally able to cure the curse, but afterwards they wished they hadn't. The only cure was to experience something that made you feel WORSE than being cursed did, and that came in the form of an un-asked for and VERY unwanted kiss from TRISTAN.

In the time since the end of Game Over, Yugi has rebuilt (In a manner of speaking) his house, which Tristan accidentally destroyed in an attempt to cheer Yugi up after nearly driving him insane with his horrible 'Tristan-Germ' infested kiss. Yami entered into a whirlwind affair with Tea, which lasted approximately a week. Now, as we descend into a dark, twisted version of Battle City and danger awaits them at every turn… can their lives get any worse?

Of course. Who do you think you're reading, here?

Kaiba: Seto had it even worse than Yugi. First, his deck was mysteriously stolen out of his super-high-security vault. Then, when he released his family's fabled Demonic task force, the S.S.S.S.S.S (Who bore a slight resemblance to figures from the Lord of the Rings), to hunt the deck down, he discovered they were not QUITE as effective as advertised. Then he lost all his money and his company due to Mokuba's screwing around with his stock portfolio and buying him far, far too many shares in companies that would NEVER be considered wise investments. But the straw that broke the camel's back was once again Tristan, who bought KaibaCorp. with a very, very good savings bond. Unable to cope with the idea of his company being renamed TristanCorp., Seto went completely insane and became convinced that the entire world was nothing but a huge nightmare (Literally. He actually thought he was just dreaming everything).

Luckily, Mai managed to return his deck to him (And netted herself the position of KaibaCorp. vice president, even though she basically just picked it up from a spot three feet from him and handed it to him) before he successfully killed himself in an attempt to 'Wake up' from his 'dream'. And through mystical deck-forces that the world may never understand, all things wrong with his life simply righted themselves the moment the deck was returned.

But he literally went INSANE. You don't just recover from that.

Bakura and Evil Bakura: Through their position as a KaibaCorp. salesman and salesspirit, Bakura and his Yami made a LOT of money. Through effective conning, threats of violence, and Dark Shadow Powers of Wickedness, they made even more. When the financial turmoil at KaibaCorp. due to Tristan's takeover caused all the money they'd made selling huge, expensive, unnecessary products to people to be transferred into their own bank account, life was perfect. Other than a few fairly major eye injuries, their life was essentially bliss.

Until Evil Bakura reminded me how well he had it. He should have kept his mouth shut. No more going easy on him, that's for sure.

Malik and Yami Malik: Malik came to Domino to gain the almighty power of the pharaoh.

Unfortunately, he forgot that his older sister Isis had expressly and specifically forbidden him to do that. By the time that he got through with his protracted 'Silence Game' with Evil Bakura, Isis had found out where he was and that he'd killed one of his minions (Another thing she'd ordered him to stop doing)… and she was PISSED. They say it's the quiet ones you need to watch out for, and in her case it's true. Malik spent most of the story desperately trying to escape her implacable wrath, eventually being forced to hide out in the sewers under Domino (Isis hates to get dirty), where he has stayed for three months.

Yami Malik, as always, is a nutcase.

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™: Something of a misnomer. Although she is, to a certain extent, a sorceress, she isn't really all that Dark, Foul, or Evil. Oh, she tries to be; she just isn't any good at it. She can't even laugh evilly without falling into a coughing fit. Nor is she particularly talented in the fields of Chaos or Destruction. It must be a family name.

What she DOES do is hold a grudge, and when she loaned Yami a nickel that he didn't pay back, she hunted him for FIVE THOUSAND FREAKIN' YEARS, tallying the interest for the entire time (It came out to about ten dollars). She is the one who cast the 'Game Over' curse on Yami, and then dueled him in a VERY rigged game using Kaiba's deck (Which she stole). Unfortunately, Kaiba was watching the duel. The second that she played the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, he snapped out of his insanity long enough to beat her into a coma. It's probably just as well: Yami was her first 'big' evil, and when she beat him, she probably would have just taken his wallet or something.

Come to think of it, she should have woken up by now…

Tea: Had a VERY trying week. First Yugi broke her heart by falling for another girl (Who turned out to be the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ wearing a very clever disguise). Next she… well… okay, she had sex with Yami. Maybe her week wasn't THAT bad.

Joey: Lost his house in the same manner as Yugi, but he didn't really like it anyhow. He got beat up by chickens, in one of the weirder segments… but other than that, he didn't really have too much to do with anything. He'll get a bigger part this time.

He'll probably regret it.

Tristan: The unintentional source of much suffering, Tristan, seemingly by accident, took Kaiba's company (And sanity) and made Yami so miserable that his curse (Which could only be broken by INCREDIBLE misery) broke. He then accidentally stumbled out of the shadow realm (can you even do that?) where Yami had shoved him, and completely destroyed both Yugi and Joey's homes by delivering 'Tons of Fun Cubes' (One of TristanCorp.'s super fun products: Multi-ton metal cubes that have no function other than to be heavy) directly to their homes. Or more specifically, ON their homes. On the bright side, Yugi managed to hollow out the cube and now lives in it.

He was then blown up by a letter bomb mailed to him by Evil Bakura, basically out of spite. Big T survived, though, to sow pain and terror through the lives of his friends once more.

Chapter 1: The best-laid plans… sometimes just aren't very good.

Deep beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the Islands of Japan and another, much smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.

"Computer." The cold voice said.

"Yes, Master?"

"Is the trap all prepared for Seto's arrival?"

"Of course, master."

"Excellent. I would hate to see him greeted improperly! Now, what is the location of the Kaiba Corporation airship?"

"KaibaCraft 3 is currently docked at KCHQ in Domino City."

"… … … what?"

"KaibaCraft 3 is currently docked…"

"I HEARD THAT PART! Why isn't it on its way here?!"

"… Why would it be?"

"But… but… I laid this trap! Seto HAS to fall into it! I have an underwater fortress, goddammit!"

"Sir, that does not mean he is necessarily going to walk into your trap."

"Yes it does! I'm right between his company and an island that he hasn't visited in years!"

"Sir… are you feeling okay?"

"I'M NOT SICK! I HAVE AN UNDERWATER FORTRESS!"

"…Indeed. Would you like me to run a diagnostic on your physical condition, sir? Perhaps this moisture is affecting your judgment…"

"I AM FEELING FINE! I have set a BRILLIANT trap, involving virtual reality and businessmen, and now you tell me Seto isn't COMING, even though I put the trap on the route to a place he has no reason to travel to! And goddammit, my fortress is underwater! If you looked out the window, do you know what you'd see?! YOU'D SEE FRICKIN' FISH! BECAUSE WE ARE UNDERWATER! How could he not fall into a trap at an UNDERWATER FORTRESS PLACED SOMEWHERE HE HAS NO REASON TO GO?! That's like a guaranteed trap success scenario!"

"Sir, your logic is… confounding. Perhaps we should relocate the fortress to somewhere Seto Kaiba is more likely to frequent?"

"NO! After all the work we did setting it up here?! We are going to wait for Seto to come to us!"

"But… he has no reason to."

"EXACTLY! I'm so glad you see things my way!"

" ::SQUARK!:: LOGIC CIRCUITS UNABLE TO COMPUTE! ERROR ERROR ERROR…"

Noah stared at the radar screens and chuckled coldly. "Soon, Seto… sometime within our lifetimes you may chance upon a reason to head in the general direction of my trap! And when that happens, YOU SHALL PAY! UWEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

Deep in a secret lair in the heart of Egypt, the Rare Hunters listened to the words of their new leader.

The Queen of the Rare Hunters had taken over their operation sometime after Lord Malik had simply dropped off the face of the earth. As mysteriously as he had disappeared, she had appeared just as mysteriously. And despite Lord Malik's vaguely homicidal tendencies and multiple personalities, all the Rare Hunters were finding they had preferred him greatly to the Queen. Malik might have been a little crazy, but the Queen was a certified lunatic.

And lately, she'd gotten worse. When she'd shown up and taken over, she had been constantly cheerful, it had seemed almost like she didn't notice the pain her orders caused. Now, she REVELED in it. Her skin had paled, and she had dark rings around her eyes. Most disturbingly of all, she was never seen without a massive sarcophagus next to her throne. It was never opened, and she never took her eyes off it. Arkana had once been flogged for staring at it.

"Now, my Rare Hunters… I have dispatched Bandit Keith as my puppet to the city of Domino. There, he will claim the Millennium Puzzle… as well as…" her eyes turned longingly to the Sarcophagus, "… the remainder of the artifact. Finally… I shall not only reclaim my own most prized possession, I shall gain the power of the ancient pharaoh! And no one, not Malik, not Isis, not Shadi… NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!"

Rare Hunter met the eyes of his compatriots. Arkana, Lumis, Umbra, Strings (Odion, loyal to Malik above all others, had left the day he had to search for him)… they were the core of the Rare Hunters, and only they knew what was inside the Sarcophagus: One fifth of a dangerous artifact that had once been the queen's most prized possession. It was now scattered over the entire world, but she had found one piece already. If she managed to gather all five…

Rare Hunter was an evil man. He knew it, and he knew he had done some terrible things. But the Queen… if she ever restored her artifact…

And yet none of the Rare Hunters could stop her. They had no choice but to obey her foul whims.

"Now…" she continued. "Everyone, I will soon give you your own assignments in the event of Keith's failure. Does everyone have their Limited Edition Rainbow Brite™ mission assignment Journals?"

All the rare hunters grimaced and said "Yes, Mistress," in perfect unison, getting out the horribly bright and hideously tacky journals. Malik, they remembered fondly, would have gunned down like a dog anyone who brought ANYTHING 'Rainbow Brite' into his lair.

"Excellent. I just love them. They're so pretty and sparkly… you may now disperse. And remember, everyone has to watch three hours of 'Care Bears' before bedtime, and no cookies if you don't eat your greens. Begone!"

Evil. Just pure evil.

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ stood up. "My name is The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™… and I have a problem," she said, "It started when I loaned a guy a nickel, and when he didn't pay it back, I hunted his soul down for five thousand years, before cursing him. It wasn't until a crazed businessman beat me into a two-month coma for stealing his playing cards that I realized… I was addicted to evil." The group, Evil Anonymous, clapped.

"And… I wasn't even good at it! I couldn't laugh evilly. Couldn't properly play the game that all evil-doers inevitably learn how to play. I had the look down," she still did, in fact, with her red eyes, flowing black gown, and staff topped with a skull, "but I've still never even successfully pulled off a really EVIL deed! At least, last time, people kept laughing at me, and that weird kid with the white hair stole all my money. And I got beat up. And run over by a car. Twice. That was when I realized that I needed to get off the evil, before it killed me!"

The counselor wiped away a tear. "Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, we're all VERY proud of you! And we're all here to support you, if you need us, you know that?"

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ struggled not to cry. "Th-thank you! I… I'm going to cry! Is there somewhere I can freshen up? Oh, how embarrassing…"

The counselor smiled. "Of course, you can go back to your room now. You've begun your recovery. Now, who's next?"

"My name is Bob, and I'm a serial mailer. I… break into people's houses, and then I take their stuff and… I… I… I MAIL IT BACK TO THEM! Good god, I NEED HELP!"

"Bob, I think you may be in the wrong group…"

Back in her room, The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ got a large trunk out from under her bed. Inside were her Evil Viewing Mirror, her Evil Spellbook, and her various other Evil Paraphernalia. "Hee, hee, hee… Just because I'm in state-mandated Evil Therapy sessions, my pharaoh, doesn't mean I've forgotten you! My 'Game Over' curse may be useless against you now, but I will find another way to CLAIM MY REVENGE! UWEE HEE HEE ::COUGH, HACK!::" As per usual, her pitiful evil laugh degenerated into a coughing fit.

Yami and Yugi smiled brilliantly.

Kaiba, down to a mere fifty lifepoints and with the Dark Magician facing him down, surrendered.

"I give up, Yugi. You, the ultimate duelist of our age, and your powerful, brilliant ancient pharaoh companion are simply too perfect a team for me!" Kaiba said.

Yugi and Yami smiled. "We are great, aren't we Yami?"

"Yes, Yugi, yes we are. Of course, we owe a lot to the Dark Magician!"

"Yes, yes we do… what's happening to him?!"

The Dark Magician shrunk, turned furry, grew boxing gloves…

"Hey, kid! It's me, Whiskery McThistlepants the Boxing Badger! I got an attack power a' five!" Whiskery McThistlepants the Boxing Badger said in a slurred, drunken, voice eerily similar to a very stoned Joey.

Kaiba smiled. "I play the Blue-Eyes White Dragon! ATTACK!" the Dragon destroyed the Badger, and Yugi and Yami LOST.

Yami screamed. "NO! NO, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OVER!"

Yugi looked shocked. "But… … we got rid of that badger, and all the other curse effects, when… … when… Tristan…"

"Pucker up!" Tristan said. "All YOU need is another dose of Tristan's magic touch!" he said, making kiss noises.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yugi and Yami screamed in unison. But no matter how fast they ran, they weren't fast enough. Tristan caught up… then he grabbed them… and then… …

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yugi said, shooting awake.

-Oh… thank god it was only a horrible, horrible nightmare.-

Yeah… the same nightmare we've had every day for three months. I… I think it's time for me to go back to school.

-WHAT?! Yugi, school is outside! We'd have to leave the house and… and… there's evil outside!-

Yami, I can't live like this! I can't be paralyzed by terror of leaving my home! I need to get back into the world.

-A-all right… just… just check it out and see if it's safe, first?-

From inside the hollowed out metal cube that now served as his house, Yugi stepped into the world. He stuck his head out the door and looked left. Then he looked right.

Okay. I don't see anything in particular. No Tristan. No rats. No deck-wraiths. No semi-evil sorceresses. I think we can go outside.

-Wait! Just because you don't see anything, doesn't mean it's not there!-

Yami, we can't stay inside our cube forever.

-And exactly why not? You remember what happened last time we stepped outside it, don't you?-

But that was different. The chances of anything like that happening THIS time around are slim to none.

-True… but bear with me for a moment. 'Outside' is where Tristan, Malik, Pegasus, Kaiba, and Evil Bakura all live, correct?-

Well, yes.

-And since they, especially Tristan, are manifestations of all that are wrong in the universe, 'outside' must be inherently evil, correct?-

I don't know…

-Therefore, we are currently surrounded by invisible cyborg zombie ninjas.- Yami thought, conclusively.

That's quite a leap of logic…

-Perhaps. But do you want to take the chance that we AREN'T surrounded by invisible cyborg zombie ninjas, when it is certainly just as likely as anything else that happened to us last time we stepped outside?-

Good point. Let's go back in and huddle under our bed before death swoops down upon us, shall we?

Just then, death swept down upon them.

Well, actually, Tea.

Say what you will about Tea, she bounces back fast. Heart broken by BOTH of Yugi, she didn't even lose her smile as she approached the Pharaoh and his counterpart.

"Hi! I haven't seen you guys in three months since… y'know. Are you finally going back to school?"

"Well, I wanted to, but Yami says there are Invisible Forces of evil surrounding us and I don't feel like arguing, so we're just going back inside…" Yugi said quickly, eager to get back into the safety of his cube.

Smiling indulgently, Tea put her hands on Yugi's shoulders. "Yugi, the events those months ago… they were one of a kind. They could never POSSIBLY happen again. Yes, they were traumatic for all of us. But you can't let them keep you running from life! You need to step bravely out into the light, and show your inner beauty to the world once again! The world is your oyster, if only you had the courage to shuck it! Throw aside your fear and step into the light with the confidence of someone who KNOWS that they are COMPLETELY SAFE!"

Yugi smiled with a new inner confidence, and finally stepped outside of his door.

Bandit Keith ran up, punched him, took the Millennium Puzzle, and ran off.

Tea looked a little scared. "Or, I guess that could happen."

Yugi looked irritated. "Why is it that every time you encourage me, things get worse?"

Deep inside the Millennium Puzzle, Yami looked around in confusion. "Yugi? What's going on? You out there?"

Sighing, he sat down. Yugi was gone, which meant the Puzzle wasn't on his neck, which meant that he, Yami, was now a kidnap victim.

Yami sighed despondently. "Yugi left the house,"