Chapter 2: Evil Comes in many forms… some better than others
On their private island, Evil Bakura and Bakura did the same they'd done every day for three months: sunbathed and flaunted their tremendous wealth. They had all the snack foods they wanted. They had a MASSIVE house. They had actual PIRATES, who fought each other to the death for their amusement. Life was perfect.
Little did the ancient spirit and his mysteriously British counterpart know that a force of tremendous evil was coming to shatter their peace and quiet…
High, high above the island where both of Bakura lived, a massive space battleship floated. Contained inside was the darkest, foulest evil the world had ever known.
For this was the Grand Audit, flagship of the dark and invincible IRS. On the bridge, Supreme Auditor Varzan laughed wickedly at the clueless tomb robber. "High Auditor Skippy!" he bellowed. "Are all systems go?"
"Of course, sir!" Skippy said. "But… Supreme Auditor… this person isn't even an American Citizen."
"…so?"
"So, sir, we're the INTERNAL Revenue Service. We're supposed to work INSIDE the U.S."
"Now, Skippy, that is JUST the attitude that killed my entire squad in 'Nam! We were up against a MILLION South Vietnamese…
"SOUTH Vietnamese? But sir, weren't they on OUR…"
" … and my squad just kept saying 'sir, we're supposed to be fighting the North Vietnamese! Those guys are on OUR side!'. So I shot them. And then there I was, all alone and stoned on some weird mushrooms I'd been chewing on from under a rock, and I painted myself green and won the day! Well, actually, I passed out. But I never saw any of the enemy army again, so I assume I won."
"… … …Huh?"
"High Auditor Skippy, tell me something. Does that person have money?"
"…y-yes?"
"Yes, yes he does. And are we the great and mighty IRS?"
"Yes."
"YES! Yes we are! Therefore, and I say this in the humblest manner possible, it is our sacred duty to take all that man's money, no matter what country he's from or where he happens to live now! Do you understand?"
"Not really, sir."
"Good! Gunnery Auditor Petey!"
"Yes, sir?" Petey said.
"Fire the AUDIT CANNON! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Skippy sighed. "I really need to find a new job…"
From out of nowhere, a massive beam of light slammed down onto Bakura's island. When the light cleared, there was nothing remaining but Bakura and the Island itself. His designer bathing suit was replaced with the clothes he'd been wearing when he'd first gotten his money. Even his tan was gone.
"… … Oh, dear." The confused boy said. Yami? What just happened?
-… … the… … the STUFF! WHERE IS IT?!- Evil Bakura screamed. Suddenly, a slip of paper floated from the sky. Bakura caught it and read aloud:
"Dear sir or ma'am:
As the noble and patriotic IRS, we have exercised our solemn duty to liberate all of your finances and possessions for no apparent reason. You may attempt to contest this action, but be aware if you do that you will never be heard from again.
Sincerely,
The IRS"
When he finished, the paper burst into flame.
Should we try to get our stuff back?
Evil Bakura shivered. -Even if I had ALL the Millennium Items, I would hesitate to do battle with the IRS. They have strange and unusual powers the likes of which none can comprehend.-
Well… okay… what should we do?
-I suppose we have no choice but to try for world domination again.-
Or… well… NOT.
-No, death, chaos, and conquest are the order of the day, vermin! I shall claim the powers of a God, destroy those who oppose me, and dominate the planet for all eternity! Ah… I've been relaxing for too long! It feels good to do evil again! Now, let us go on our quest of domination!-
One, don't call me vermin.
-Very well, trash.-
Grrr… Second, how are we going to get off this island?
-Bakura, Bakura, Bakura… once again your lack of intelligence limits you! Have you forgotten who I am?! All I have to do is concentrate, and mysterious plotholes just sort of PROJECT me to wherever the action is! It's been happening on the Anime for years!- Suddenly, they were in Domino, watching Bandit Keith (With the Puzzle) run by, chased by Yugi
-See?- Evil Bakura thought smugly
"Ba… Ba… Bakura!" Yugi said, breathing heavily. "Magical… artifact… stolen… by… jerk…"
"Why did you let him take it?" Bakura asked, as though Yugi had gift-wrapped the puzzle and hand-delivered it to Keith just so he could chase him down.
Yugi glared at them. "Didn't… exactly… see… it… coming,"
"Ah. Do you want my help?"
"WHY DO YOU THINK I STOPPED?!"
"Very well then! On to the reclamation of items! Tally-ho!" Bakura proclaimed grandly, and sprinted off after Keith. "Stop where you are, ruffian! I swear you shan't escape British justice!"
-Good lord, you are the biggest wimp I have ever seen. 'Tally-ho'? What does that even mean?!-
It's a perfectly appropriate battle cry!
-Battle cry? Oh, come on. We both know that you aren't going to DO anything. I already know what's going to happen.
1. We'll catch him.
2. You'll ask him… politely… to return the puzzle.
3. He'll punch you in the face.-
Um… well… I wasn't going to ask POLITELY.
::Sigh:: Honestly, you haven't the slightest idea how to deal with a crisis! Let me take over, I'LL get the stupid thing back.
Oh, and what will YOU do? You'll probably just beat Keith unconscious with a beer bottle and take the puzzle from him!
And explain to me how that's a bad idea.
… … … … … … Good point. Take over.
The Ring glowed, and Bakura's evil other half took over their shared body. He smirked evilly, picked up a beer bottle from a stray dumpster, and looked around for a person to smash with it. Unfortunately, while he'd stopped to argue with himself, everyone else involved with the chase had kept running.
Evil Bakura looked around. "Where'd everybody go?"
In an abandoned warehouse, Yugi finally caught up with Bandit Keith. He had, for some reason, pulled a hood over his head. The Puzzle was hanging from a railroad spike in the wall… but that was it. It wasn't nailed on, it was just hanging. Yugi could have walked right up and taken it off.
"Alright… jerk… why…?" Yugi gasped. He really should have been working harder in gym class.
"Heh, heh, heh… you may not recognize me Yugi, but I remember you very well…"
Yugi groaned. "You're Bandit-Freakin'-Keith! You didn't have that cloak on until like, five minutes ago."
"NO! HOW DID YOU LEARN MY IDENTITY!" Keith shouted, throwing his hood off.
Yugi's jaw dropped. Keith had never been a great villain… he wore a tacky headband and he laughed like an idiot… but he'd at least been EVIL. But this…
"Well, it doesn't matter! The only way you're going to get your puzzle back is if you WIN IT IN A DUEL!" Keith said maniacally.
Yugi walked up to the puzzle and picked it up off the chain. He threw a critical look at Keith.
"Um… oops?" Keith said, turning red. He climbed down off the platform of his dueling arena, grabbed the puzzle out of Yugi's hands, and nailed it to the wall again, putting the spike through one of the holes in the chain.
Yugi sighed deeply, and slid the puzzle off the spike.
"Oh, crap! Listen, Yugi, I have to go get a nail that has something on the end so you can't do that… can you just wait a few minutes? Really. I'll be right back." He ran out of the warehouse in search of a suitable spike
Yugi started to cry.
-Yugi? You out there? It's getting really boring in here…- Yami said.
Could you hold on a minute? Incompetent villainy.
… again?
Bandit Keith came running back, holding a railroad spike that had a little metal circle at one end to prevent puzzle sliding. "I found this! Okay, now if you'd just give that back for a second…"
"Yeah, I'm thinking 'no'."
"Aw, c'mon! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" Keith pleaded. Unfortunately, in the intervening minutes Evil Bakura had figured out where everybody had gone. As the American held out his hand for the puzzle, Evil Bakura ran up behind him and smashed a bottle over his head.
The evil spirit smiled proudly. "I got him!" he proclaimed brightly. Then he foully and evilly banished Keith's soul to the shadow realm.
Hey, that is sort of his job.
"Did you really need to do that?" Yami asked in a long-suffering tone. "We really needed to find out who he was working for."
"Well, duh! He was working for Malik! We see Malik every other freakin' week! We KNOW he runs the Rare Hunters, and that's who this idiot is dressed as."
"Hee, hee, hee… so close and yet so far…" A female voice said.
"It's Keith's soulless vessel! It's speaking to us from the shadow realm! Someone is using dark magic to control it!" Evil Bakura said, shocked.
"What? Y::BZZZZT::t's what's happening. De::BZZT::ly. I am ::BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT:: and not a normal loser." The voice said.
Yami arched one eyebrow. "The Shadow Realm sure has a lot of static today."
Well, you KNOW what that place is like. Honestly, the cable reception is terrible, and don't get me started on the weather!
-Yugi, shut up.- Yami thought. He got down and checked the robes near Keith's neck, finding a walkie-talkie. -Hmmmm… female, incompetent, using sad and pitiful measures to sound dramatic despite a total lack of talent…-
"You wouldn't happen to be the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, would you?"
"No, Pharaoh! I am::BZZZZZZZZZT::, new leader of the Rare Hunters! I will soon ::BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT::! So until we meet again, farewell! BWAHAHAHAHA ::BZZZZZZZZZZZT:: HA!"
Yami sighed despondently. "Well, she was able to laugh evilly, so that rules out that cursing psycho-loser. So I have a brand-new psychotic incompetent woman stalking me. I guess I'm just lucky… WHAT are you doing?!"
Evil Bakura had grabbed the puzzle, and was laughing wickedly and horribly. Lightning shot out of his hands, and darkness flowed from his eyes to snarl around his body like flames. "NOW, A PIECE OF MY SOUL IS INSIDE THE PUZZLE! I SHALL CONSUME THE POWER OF THE PHARAOH FROM THE INSIDE OUT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh, stop it you idiot," Yami growled, grabbing back the puzzle. "I'm going home."
Tristan and Joey busted in, panting. "Yug! We're ready to bust you out of a raging fire at the last second!" Joey said.
Yugi smiled. "Thanks, guys, but you seem to forget who's running this show. What do you suppose the chances are something dramatic will actually happen?"
"Oh… um… oh. Okay. I guess there's only one thing to do then." Tristan said. Immediately, he and Joey grabbed Yugi, shoved him in a garbage can, and set the building on fire with Joey's lighter. They then left, waited until the fire got really big… and broke back in, saving Yugi from the raging fire.
Yugi sighed deeply. "Typical,"
Joey shrugged. "Hey, it said in the script 'Save Yugi from raging fire'. Who are we to contradict that?"
Leaving Keith behind in the burning building and arguing over the merits of following the script when it didn't make sense, the group walked off.
Little did they know that far away, at the airport, a force of terrifying power was approaching… and when it arrived, the world as they knew it would shatter.
At Domino airport, the ultimate power stepped out of her plane.
"Ah!" Isis Ishtar said cheerfully, grinning. "Domino! I have missed this nice little place…"
Author: If you read 'Game Over', you'd understand why Isis is so scary. And next chapter, what you've all been waiting for… Kaiba!