Nothing Will Ever Change That

Chapter 101: A Flawed Choice

A/N- This chapter was proof-read by Frost-Eva-04. Thanks again for the help!

Asuka's Room – Morning – 8:00 AM

I wake up to the sound of grease spitting and a man yelping… Shinji. I lift my head to see him in front of the stove sucking on his palm.

"Damn grease…" with a quick shaking of his hand, he goes back to cooking whatever he started, "Hope Asuka likes bacon…" I simply sit up in bed carefully and watch him cook. That's about the only that hasn't changed about him, he still cooks great meals.

"I do…" he jumps out of his skin as he whips around to meet my eyes, "Thanks for making breakfast," he was still panting!

"Um… y-yeah…" shaking off what just happened, he once again goes back to the meal.

"Are… you okay?" I was kinda worried about last night; I haven't seen him cry like that since the whole thing with Dietlinde…

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" avoiding the subject; so like him!

"You cried last night about a nightmare… something about a baby?" I didn't want him to know that I knew about the baby, it might freak him out. Hell, if he's not emotionally scarred by now, he'll never be!

"Huh? What are you talking about? I never even woke up," okay, I knew that crying wasn't exactly the manliest thing to do, but to deny it? Come on! He was sobbing like a baby!

"Come on Shinji, don't lie, just talk about it. It's not like I haven't seen anything like that before!" he looks back at me and raises an eyebrow.

"Sorry, but nothing like that happened," his face was serious… I was normally able to tell when he was lying, but I can't see that in him right now… "You must have been dreaming," I know I wasn't dreaming…

"Yeah… sorry," then what was he doing? Why didn't he remember it? I had to admit, this new Shinji confuses me… "I'm going to take a shower, thanks again for the breakfast."

"Okay, no problem," I get up and walk into the bathroom. Why wasn't it ever simple in my life? There was always some kind of problem, even in the most joyful of moments. Even our wedding was ruined by some asshole trying to kill us! Come to think of it, have we ever had a happy moment that lasted? I can think of one that lasted about two weeks… the last day of our vacation. But then we found out I was pregnant, so that kind of ruined it.

I turned on the water and disrobed. Like always, I take a few seconds to look at the cluster of scars on my back. All of that caused by a few drinks, and on top of that, the pain was worse than giving birth! Then, hidden in the middle of all of the scars, a lone bullet hole sits. By now, I've realized that I wasn't only lucky that my baby lived, but that I'm alive. It wasn't even half an inch away from my spine, just one false move back then would have killed me. It's not that I'm complaining about them, it's just – now at least – a way of remembering Shinji. Before it was sulking, yes, I admit that. Every detail of my body was close to perfect, except for my back. Shinji never seemed to mind or even care for that matter. I know that he always says that he loves me for me, not my looks, but I know they help! I mean, I actually want to look good for him; I want him to always look at me with a smile because of my looks. Even if we were simply passing each other on the street, I know that he'd hold back a smile. I'm glad that he does think that way about me, I spend more then a fair share in here trying to make it all perfect, and I want it to be noticed… and it does… just not by my husband… what's the point anymore? Ever since I started to date him, he was always the reason for me wanting to look like this, but now that he's gone… I just don't have that drive anymore… hell, I barely have the drive to get up in the morning.

I climb into the hot water and once again start to make my self up. At least five shampoos, conditioners, and body washes lined the wall… why am I still using them? Why make myself look beautiful for a fourteen year old? And yet I wasn't able to force myself away from it… habit I guess. Or was it something more? Was it my way of remembering Shinji? I don't want to forget about him, but I don't want this pain anymore… it finally hit me… I want to die. I actually want to die… I put down the shampoo and walk out of the shower, leaving the water running. I reach into the medicine cabinet and grabbed the first thing that I saw – anything will do it.

"I'm sorry…" I'm breaking my promise to him… I'm not taking care of the baby… I'm killing it. I can't live like this anymore… I just want to be with MY Shinji again. With any luck, maybe Akagi will do the same thing she did to Shinji to me, we'd be able to start over without either of us remembering any of the past… but I didn't want that… I just want to vanish. I stare down at the bottle in my hands 'Hydrocodone' written across the top. 'Do not exceed two tablets within one day. Seek immediate medical attention in case of over dose.' I don't even know what the hell this is; I've never seen it before… like it matters. With a shaking hand, I reach in and grab one of the white tablets… and swallow it as quickly as I could. I'm killing my baby and myself… what will become of me? Hell? Heaven? I don't care… I grab another pill and swallow it, cringing the whole way. "I'm sorry…" once again, I reach in the bottle and pull out a pill. Number three… this is my last chance to back out… I slam my eyes shut and shove the pill down my throat.

"Hey Asuka, I was thinking, you want to go out for awhile? Not like, on a date, I mean just for fun. We could bring that one guy you were with before if you want."

"S-Sure…" I grab another pill and swallow it. I can feel tears starting to form in my eyes, but I ignore them as best as I could.

"I've been meaning to say something to you… thanks for being there when I woke up… I would have been lost without you. Thanks for being the only person that cared enough to help me," just as I swallow the fifth pill, I freeze.

"D-Don't worry about it…" I set the bottle down on the counter and sit on the toilet… why didn't I want to die anymore? A voice is telling me to go on… but why? What purpose do I serve now? Shinji… that Shinji… he's the one… it's too late anyway, I'm done. I've already more than doubled the dose… I'm going to die. I can already feel my head starting to spin… I want to live… come on Asuka… hold on. Tears fall onto my thighs as I begin to cry more heavily. My stomach is killing me as it absorbs the medicine. I start to cry into my hands and wait for death.

I'm done, my life is about to end. There is no getting out of this one like the countless other times, I'm really going to die… but I don't want that anymore! Ten minutes. I sat there ten minutes slowly succumbing to the over dose. My eyes felt like they were about to bust from their sockets, my stomach felt like it was on fire… I didn't know it would hurt this much… my head pops up as something comes to mind… moving as fast as I could, I get off the toilet and lean over it. Without a second thought, I stick two fingers down my throat, making me gag… a few seconds later I vomited… four very small pills were in the toilet… please live… don't let that get to me…

"Okay, breakfast is ready whenever you are!" I could have severely damaged my baby right there… it probably is absorbing a small dose of it right now. I try to brush it off and get up with shaking legs. I turn off the water and flush the toilet, sending my mistake down the drain. Still slightly crying, I dry myself off and get dressed. After trying to make myself look as if I wasn't crying – which I failed miserably at – I walk out and sit down at the table to see a full platter of food in front of me.

"You made all of this?" he stared at me with a concerned face.

"Yeah… are you okay?" like I said, I failed.

"Yeah… just some bad memories…" I take the first bite of food… it was actually pretty damn good! Needless to say, I wasn't exactly in the mood to eat after vomiting, but I couldn't let him know what just happened. Damn… my head is really starting to hurt… I try to ignore it as best as I could. Some of the effects were warring off, but some held strong. My stomach – for one – was emitting unbearable pain.

"Do you still want to go out?" he made it sound like we were dating! I chuckle through the pain.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Any idea where you want to go?" the room starts to spin… hold on Asuka…

"No idea, I've only been here for a few hours… well, AWAKE at least," I put my elbow on the table and lean my head against my palm, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah… just a headache…" I feel a tear start to form in my eye due to the pain. Don't cry damn it! "Uh…" I couldn't help but let out a small grunt. The tear finally builds up and falls to the table.

"Asuka?"

"I'm… I'm fine…" my muscles give out and I fall out of my chair and land on the floor hard. Shinji leaps up and comes to my side, trying to prop me up. As the room becomes blurry, I stare at his worried face; "I love you…" the blackness finally comes and engulfs me. You finally got what you wanted Asuka. You finally died.

---

"You killed her," slowly, I open my eyes to find that I'm in pitch black darkness. Is this hell or Heaven? "You killed her," the voice repeated itself, "You killed her, and you don't care."

"K-Killed who?" my head still hurt slightly, and I found it impossible to get up.

"You killed both of them, and you still don't care," I struggle to get up, but I simply couldn't.

"Killed who damn it?" I had a harsh voice that echoed through wherever the hell I was.

"You didn't even give her a chance," this voice… it sounded familiar… but I couldn't place what it was. It sounded like a woman's… defiantly German… who was it?

"Who the hell are you!" I was yelling into the air at this point.

"You killed him too. You killed everyone you cared about… or seemingly cared about," who was this bitch talking about? I haven't killed anyone… aside from the men at SEELE… but that's different, "You killed your own daughter. Shinji wanted to help her, but you held him back trying to pass on your pride. Because of you, she was tortured and killed. You have caused nothing but stress and anguish for you husband. You think he sacrificed himself for you? No, he turned off his AT field simply to end the constant pain of his life that YOU have caused," me? I… no, I didn't do that…

"You're… lying… I made him happy…" tears start to run down my face.

"Bullshit. You stole his daughter from him, and you couldn't even hold out his last wish of you."

"I didn't do that! Gahiji killed her, not me!" the woman chuckles.

"But Shinji could have stopped him, no? Gahiji was a mere child, Shinji was a man. He could have easily stopped him from killing Dietlinde, instead YOU held him back," that was true… but… did he see that as my fault?

"N-No…"

"Yes. You did all of this. You brought this upon yourself. The least you could have done for him is love him back, you just played along. He would have gladly handed over his soul to the devil just to make you happy, and that's exactly what he did. He married you, he gave you two children, and in the end, he couldn't stand it anymore. He always knew that you didn't love him, but that whole time he tried to make it true. In the end, he threw himself into the pits of hell just to get away from you," that… that wasn't true… he did love me… and I loved him…

"Stop it…"

"No, I'm not going to stop. You never loved him, admit it. The first night you two had sex you just saw it as a quick fuck. You sure made it a point to say 'I love you' a lot during the act, why? You didn't love him! You just wanted the experience of having a man inside you, that's it. You didn't like your first time, so you wanted to prove that you could handle it, and you did, I'll give that to you. Admit it, you didn't do that for him, you did it simply to feel yourself succumb to a man," I wasn't some whore!

"That's a Goddamn lie! I DID love him!"

"Then why did you leave him?" was she talking about that other Shinji?

"Because that wasn't Shinji! That was just a fourteen year old in Shinji's body!" the woman once again chuckled.

"So stupid… well, looks like you were once again bailed out of a problem YOU created by someone else. Think about what I said; you're nothing but a bitch that contributes absolutely nothing to the world."

---

NERV Hospital – 3:00 PM

I open my eyes in a panic to see myself in a large white room hooked up to life support. I was drenched in sweat and breathing very heavily. What just happened? Where was I? Shinji was asleep in a chair next to my bed with a book still in his hands. 'Winning Her' was written across the book… that woman was right… he already loved me? Well, I guess that it happened the first time; he probably just grew closer to me faster. Truthfully, I don't know what I'm going to say when he does tell me… I want to say yes like last time, but I want to say no because that's not really him. I just don't know…

"Asuka…" great, now he was dreaming about me! Suddenly, I see Akagi walk in the room.

"Oh, you're awake…" she glared at me, "Shinji, wake up," she nudged him, "Shinji," he slowly opens his eyes and immediately hides the book under his shirt, "I'm going to need for you to wait outside, I need to do a checkup on Asuka."

"Oh… okay…" he drug his feet as he walked out. Akagi turned back around and went back to glaring at me.

"You mind telling me why you had that crap in your system?" great, now I'm going to get a lecture from her of all people…

"Because I tried to kill myself," might as well be upfront with it, right? "I wanted to die… I couldn't live without Shinji anymore…"

"You're never going to accept it, are you? You're just going to sulk for the rest of your life?" I wanted the rest of my life to end right there! After hearing that woman talk… I don't exactly WANT to die; I would just be fine with it. I really have nothing to live for… "You do know that your baby is most likely dead right now, right?"

"What? Please tell me you're kidding!" no… I didn't want that part of me to die…

"Not xat all. What did you expect? You gave it damn near half its body weight in drugs! I had to do a complete blood transfusion on you!" what if it really is dead? Did I just kill it?

"Is… she alright?" Akagi rolled her eyes.

"Already deciding the fucking sex of it… let me put it this way, it doesn't matter! Like I said, it's probably dead right now!" did I just say 'she'? Probably just habit…

"Is there any way to check?" please don't let it be dead… for the love of God…

"Yeah…" she rolls over a small cart with… 'tools' on it that I always dread when I go in for a checkup.

"So now you're a gynecologist?" did she have to be the one to do this? Anyone but her! Seriously, I'd rather have Shinji do it than HER! She didn't say a word as she started it, "Damn that's cold!" a few minutes and countless blushes later, she leans back up and looks at me.

"You're one lucky girl Asuka… its fine. I still don't know how it is mentally, but physically it's fine. You're still not out of the woods yet though, it could still have severe brain damage…" God… what have I done to my child? To OUR child? I feel like complete shit…

"Am… I able to leave?" I still felt obligated to follow through with my promise to Shinji.

"Yeah, if you want, just watch how much physical activity you do, okay?" she sure had a mood swing!

"Yeah… does Shinji know what I did?"

"No, I didn't tell him, but he's not stupid. He could know," slowly, I get out of bed on wobbly legs.

"Okay, thanks… you got my clothes?" I always hated these damn night gowns they gave you, too revealing. She walked over to a table and picked up my old clothes then handed them to me.

"Shinji told me about you two going out for awhile… are you going to get together again? I mean, legally he's still your husband, but I mean emotionally," big mouthed Shinji…

"I don't know… I just don't know…"

A/N- Ouch… Asuka almost died… again. Well, looks like Shinji is falling in love with her all over again! What do you think will happen on the next chapter? Will Shinji get a yes or a no? Find out in the next chapter; A Day Out, until then, keep on keepin' on!