Chapter 3: Maybe I'm the only one who noticed this, but Kaiba is really just a huge geek
On the top floor of KaibaCorp. HQ was an office. The office of Seto Kaiba.
This office was filled with documents, computer files, DVD's, and other business paraphernalia essential to the running of the Kaiba Corporation. In here decisions were made that affected the lives of hundreds of people, and decided the course of billions of dollars. It was here that Seto Kaiba, CEO and owner of one of the largest and most powerful corporations on the planet, made business decisions that changed the fate of nations.
Unfortunately, he wasn't there right now.
Down three floors, in the company war room, Kaiba sat at the head of a large table. The only other person there was Mokuba, who was seated right next to him ( Vice President Mai, of course, was off partying). On the table in was a large map of Domino with the heading 'Operation: Kill Yugi. Kill him SO horribly that he never, ever EVER comes back, and he feels so $$& bad that he doesn't WANT to live any more and he #$()#& stays in hell where he $)( belongs'. Kaiba was wearing the uniform of a General, with five stars on the collar.
"Well, lieutenant Mokuba, it looks like all the details for my new plot to kill Yugi are completed!"
"Seto…" Mokuba began.
"AHEM!"
Mokuba winced. "GENERAL Seto…"
"Yes, Lieutenant?"
"I understand that you have a problem with Yugi, but is homicide really the answer?"
"Well, yeah. Of course. What else could I do?" Kaiba said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"… … DON'T kill anyone?"
"Lieutenant Mokuba, I don't think you understand. If I don't kill Yugi, he'll STILL BE ALIVE."
"That's my point."
"AHEM!"
"That's my point SIR."
"Brother… I have, in my career, lost fairly exactly once. To Yugi. And now, according to the episode guides, I am all set up to lose fairly again. To YUGI. This cannot be allowed. Therefore, this, my 'Operation: Kill Yugi. Kill him SO horribly that he never, ever EVER comes back, and he feels so $$& bad that he doesn't WANT to live any more and he #$()#& stays in hell where he $)$# belongs' Tournament, or OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B, as I like to call it…"
Mokuba's jaw dropped. "How did you say that?"
"…Is VITAL. I NEED to prove to the world that I really CAN beat Yugi, so I'll lure him into this trap tournament and beat him and kill him. It's the ONLY way."
"Seto. Big brother. I realize that you don't think in quite the same way as most people. I realize that to you, beating you at cards is a major transgression. I also realize that you still haven't QUITE gotten over losing your deck…"
"WHAT?! MY DECK IS GONE?! WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT…" Kaiba jumped to his feet and started running around in circles, screaming.
"… We got it back. Three months ago."
Kaiba sat back down. "I… um… I … knew that. Yeah. I was just… testing you."
"Why would I care if your deck was gone?"
"MY DECK IS-"
"NO! Your deck is FINE. But that's my point! You're still at least partially insane from that whole episode! You aren't thinking clearly! You're a gaping psychic wound! In technical terms, you're a nutjob!" Mokuba proclaimed exasperatedly.
"… So you're trying to tell me that my tournament is a good idea?"
Mokuba sighed sadly. "Could you at least change the name to something a LITTLE less obvious? Like… it takes over the city, and makes a lot of battles, so… Battle City?"
"What's wrong with OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B?"
"Okay, that's the second time I've heard you say that and I STILL don't know how it's pronounced…"
"AHEM!"
"I don't know how it's pronounced, GENERAL."
"OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B, Lieutenant. OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B." Kaiba said patronizingly.
"Freak." Mokuba muttered.
Later on in the day, with the name of the new tournament still in question (Battle City actually made sense, but Kaiba was unwilling to let go of OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B for some reason), Lieutenant Mokuba was watching television while Kaiba took care of the highly important business of firing Vice President Mai. On the one hand, she was an absolutely terrible VP who had embezzled over $20,000,000 for various things that she found pretty. On the other, she was hot, and if Kaiba let her down too hard she'd get sad, and then he'd feel a tiny little twinge in what little conscience he had. In the end he decided to send her an E-mail on the cell phone she'd bought with stolen money:
Dear Mai,
Guess what you are? It's starts with an 'f' and ends with 'ired for embezzling company funds'. Don't bother coming back to clear out your desk, security has been told to shoot you on sight, you horrible felon. Anything you own still inside the building will go to me, to make up for all the money you stole, you ungrateful witch. I will be giving your job (And your car) to Mokuba. Mokuba can't drive legally, but he still gets your car.
Burn and Die,
Seto
There! That was nice! Kaiba thought. Sensitive and pleasant. Nobody could be insulted by that.
Mai, in her hot tub, checked her cell phone when it beeped. She then saw Kaiba's message.
She smiled. Aw well… she thought, I had a good run. And how sweet to try and spare my feelings!
That was about as sensitive as Kaiba got.
"Oh, #$()#&." Mokuba said suddenly.
"Mokuba! What have I told you about swearing?"
"…Only when I'm drunk?"
"That's right. Now what's the problem?"
Trembling, Mokuba pointed at the T.V., which held a picture of Isis Ishtar giving an interview.
"So?" Kaiba said.
"Look closer,"
Kaiba did so, and noticed something about the news. One of the boxes in the corner said 'Local Events'.
Kaiba thought about that.
"Oh #$()#& . She's IN TOWN?!" Kaiba roared, and slammed down the 'Isis Button' on his desk. All the windows in the building were instantly covered as metal screens slammed down on them. A computerized voice said 'Isis Ishtar has entered Domino City. All KaibaCorp. employees please stay inside the building, turn off all the lights, and stay away from the windows and doors. Hiding under your desks is highly encouraged.' Kaiba and Mokuba, always the first to take smart advice, slammed down the light switch, smashed the T.V. with a paperweight to shut it up, and huddled together under Kaiba's desk.
It wasn't anything personal. It's just that Isis didn't come to Domino unless she had business there, and ninety percent of the time that meant someone had managed to get her angry (Usually her brother). And the last time she'd come to town angry, she'd burned a large portion of it down. KaibaCorp., just like all other businesses in the town, had a special 'Isis Plan': namely, lock down and pretend they weren't there until she went away.
"D-D'you think she's angry at someone?" Mokuba asked quietly, trying to keep his voice from trembling.
"Calm down. With any luck, she's just decided her brother's death is worth going into the sewers for. And there's always a 10 chance that she's not angry at anyone! No, we'll ride this out just fine." Kaiba said with a confidence he didn't feel.
The phone rang.
Kaiba and Mokuba's eyes widened in fear. "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-who is that?" Mokuba stuttered.
"It… it… doesn't HAVE to be Isis. Just because she's in town and the phone is ringing doesn't mean OH GOD IT'S HER AND SHE'S MAD AT ME, I DON'T KNOW WHY, MAYBE SHE'S FRIENDS WITH MAI AND HEARD ABOUT ME FIRING HER AND NOW SHE'S COMING HERE AND CALLING TO TELL ME SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!" Kaiba screamed, finally losing control of his terror.
Mokuba, trembling, crawled out from under the desk and picked up the phone. "H-h-h-h-h-h-h-ello? Y-y-yes, he's here… It's for you, Seto…" Mokuba said solemnly. Then he mouthed It's HER! Oh, god, we're dead…
"Yes?" Kaiba said, in a near whisper.
"Hello, Seto. You really should be watching my interview…"
"I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS IMPORTANT, AND NOW MY T.V IS BROKEN I'LL GO BUY A NEW ONE I SWEAR!"
"… I was just wondering if you would be interested in coming to an exhibition of my artifacts in Domino Museum tonight?"
Kaiba sighed in relief. If she wasn't mad, it took a whole lot to get her that way, so they were all safe for the time being. "I um… I knew that… But, I wouldn't DREAM of being an inconvenience to you, and I have a lot of work to do…"
"I'll give you a really cool duel monster's card."
Kaiba's eyes lit up. "How cool?"
On the other end of the line, Isis smiled. She knew how to manipulate a geek. "Do the words 'four thousand attack points' mean anything to you?"
There was a sound of glass breaking on the other end of the line. Mokuba Kaiba's voice came over the phone, "Um… my brother just got a really big smile and jumped out the window. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
Exactly one minute, 37 seconds later, Kaiba's Ferrari screeched to a halt in front of the Domino Museum. FOUR THOUSAND! He thought frantically. That's practically a billion! He sprinted up the steps, taking them six at a time, and ran through the doors without opening them. "ISIS!" He bellowed. "WHERE IS CARD?! GIVE!"
The museum guards walked up to Kaiba. "Sir, this IS a museum, could you please calm down?"
Kaiba's eyes began glowing yellow.
"Um… sir?"
Two museum guards later, Kaiba was jumping down flights of stairs shouting after Isis again. After smashing through every OTHER exhibit, it finally hit his carded- up brain that perhaps the Egyptian Artifacts would be behind the door marked 'Egyptian Artifacts'. He opened it and, sure enough, there was Isis.
"CARD!" He shouted, the veins popping out of his neck.
"Ah, Kaiba! I knew you would come, through the power of my Millennium Necklace… oh, and also because I invited you. I am Isis Ishtar, and I have spent many hours peering into the past…"
"Through your Millennium Necklace? Does it hold some power to see through the mists of TIME ITSELF?"
Isis rolled her eyes. "NOOOOOO, I just watch the HISTORY CHANNEL. Of course I can see through the mists of time! I mean, I have this millennium necklace, and then when I clearly state and demonstrate its powers, everyone STILL acts all surprised even though they've seen OTHER items do things that are at LEAST as impressive. It gets old… and since I can see it coming in advance, it gets old before it happens! But now, on to what I called you here for."
"Card?"
"Not yet. As you can see from this ancient stone tablet on the wall over here…"
"Ah, the card is behind the tablet!" Kaiba said proudly, moving to take the tablet off the wall.
Unfortunately, he succeeded.
"Ow…" Kaiba moaned from under the tablet, which was much heavier than it looked.
Isis sighed sadly. "I'm sure you recognize that you're an idiot, so I won't waste time pointing it out further. Now, can you see the carving on the bottom?"
"Kinda… hey, that's me! And a horrible monster of some kind!"
"That, Kaiba, is your Blue-eyes White Dragon! That is a carving of your past self and your sacred creature!"
"No, I was talking about the monster I'm facing in the drawing."
Isis thought about the drawing… then sighed again, even more sadly. "That would be Yugi, you idiot. He was the pharaoh of ancient Egypt, and you were a powerful sorcerer! The two of you fought a horrible battle for control of the WORLD!"
"That's ridiculous! Even a cursory examination shows that I'm a far more dignified figure than this sorcerer."
Isis raised an eyebrow. "To my knowledge, he was never pinned under a massive stone tablet,"
"Even so!" Kaiba said proudly, his voice muffled somewhat by the quite heavy tablet.
"Very well, I shall SHOW you the truth!" The millennium necklace began to glow, and suddenly…
Flashback:
"What's going on?" Kaiba asked.
"You have heard of the literary device known as a 'flashback'? Through the power of my Millennium Necklace we are actually INSIDE a flashback, watching as it unfolds!"
Wizard Kaiba: Pharoah! I have grown tired of your arrogant foolishness! Plus, you hoard all the cool monsters! I challenge thee, and once I have won I shall have all the coolest rare monsters and be the best duelist in the world!
"And you still say he isn't you?" Isis asked.
"I fail to see the resemblance. Well, other than the fact he looks and acts exactly like me. Which REALLY isn't proof at all!"
Pharaoh: Why am I over here in the shadows? What's the point? Any idiot KNOWS who I am by now. They saw the tablet. At the end of Duelist Kingdom I told Yugi I was a pharaoh! I told him my name, too! Yet, when he learns all this later on, he'll act surprised, I guarantee it.
The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: As the Pharaoh's Loyal Servant, I will stand against you traitor!
Wizard Kaiba: I summon this monster, which shall be used 5,000 years from now in something called a 'card game' by my descendant, whose name shall be Seto Kaiba! (Plays monster from Kaiba's deck)
"Are you convinced NOW?"
"He could be talking about any number of Seto Kaibas. And in any case, I have no proof that I'm not drugged and hallucinating right now."
"::SIGH:: I guess we go on, then…"
The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: I play this better one! (His monster kills Wizard Kaiba's)
Wizard Kaiba: I play yet another monster from the deck of Seto Kaiba, my descendent and reincarnation, who owns his own company (Which shalt be called KaibaCorp., forthwith) and has a younger brother named Mokuba! (Does so.)
"Has the truth gotten through your thick skull yet, or do we need to go on?"
" 'Mokuba'? I don't know any 'Mokuba'."
The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: I fuse my good monster from before with another good monster! (Kills Wizard Kaiba's monster)
"HA! That proves he can't be me, because he's losing and I never lose!" Kaiba said triumphantly.
"What anime have you been watching? You lose all the time. And in any case, the person who's going to win in the end NEVER starts out winning!"
Wizard Kaiba: I summon forth, from the very depths of the pits of darkness and despair, a dragon so very deadly and powerful and dangerous and terrifying and large and horrific and…
The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: Sometime this century, please.
Wizard Kaiba: … mighty and ferocious and never eats too much at dinner and always keeps its scales washed and is just plain neat and…
Pharaoh: You know, I have to die, have my soul bonded to a puzzle, and be reincarnated in like, an hour. I REALLY need to get this apocalyptic conflict out of the way.
The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: I know that. Tell Mr. Dragon-Obsessed over there.
Wizard Kaiba: (Still babbling about his monster)
"I'm afraid you've wasted your time. That guy is NOTHING like me."
"Really?" Isis asked skeptically.
"Well, of course! I mean, he's such a geek!"
"Oh? Well, Kaiba, tell me: How cool is your Blue-Eyes?"
Kaiba got a huge, dopey smile and a gleam in his eyes. "It's deadly and powerful and dangerous and terrifying and large and horrific and…
Wizard Kaiba: THE BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! KILL! SMASH! DESTROY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Blue-Eyes kills, smashes, destroys)
The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: (Dies)
Pharoah: NOOOOOOOOO! LOYAL SERVANT! You… you were loyal, my friend! I have to say, you were by far my most loyal servant! You shall be AVENGED!
End Flashback
"HEY!" Kaiba said. "It was just starting to get good!"
"I know. That's why I stopped. In Yu-Gi-Oh, when it starts to get good, we take a break. But now I'm sure even YOU must have gotten my point: YOU ARE THE EVIL WIZARD. It's PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. THAT'S WHY YOU HATE YUGI. It's brutally, unbelievably obvious, and both the tablet that is currently crushing you and my visions confirm it." Isis said.
"… … I believe you mentioned something about a cool card?" Kaiba said.
Isis rubbed her temples. Sweet Ra… "ALRIGHT! The cool card is right over here, on this other tablet!"
"THE OTHER TABLET! OF COURSE!" Kaiba roared. In a Herculean feat of strength, Kaiba shoved the tablet off him and ran over to take the OTHER one off the wall.
Unfortunately, he succeeded again.
"Oh, god dammit!" Kaiba shouted from under the other tablet. It was hard to tell for sure, but it felt even heavier than the first one.
"Oh, you unbelievable moron…" Isis said, rubbing her temples to hold off the approaching migraine. Calm down… ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four…
"I don't see the card." Kaiba said.
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! IT'S RIGHT THERE, YOU IDIOT! You see those three monsters?!"
"Yeah?"
"Those are the Winged Dragon of Ra, Slifer the Sky Dragon, and Obelisk the Tormentor. Any one of them could COMPLETELY kill you, and Pegasus made cards of them!"
"What? Then why didn't he use them against me?" Kaiba asked indignantly.
"Two reasons:
A) He kicked your ass without them, as I recall.
B) They kinda didn't listen to him."
"WHAAAT?! Cards that Pegasus couldn't control?!"
"Well, think about it. You're a god, you've been asleep for 5,000 years, and the first thing you hear when you wake up is 'How are you DOOOING, Ra-Boy?'" Isis said, in a passable Pegasus voice. "How would YOU react?"
"Point taken. Now, how do I get them?"
"Well, that's the problem. Max gave them to ME, and I er… kinda don't have them anymore."
"OH! Well, that's not a problem. I'm going to see Malik for golf next week, and I'll just ask him to give them back…"
"Why do you ASSUME my brother took them? SURE he's evil, and SURE he kills his employees, and SURE he knew right where they are, but that doesn't change the fact that maybe, just maybe, his good nature could overpower his greed and make him back into a good person! I'VE forgiven him for murdering his servant and trying to kill Yami and take his power, why haven't any of YOU?!" Isis said bitterly.
"… … Oh. So he didn't take them?"
"Oh, I was speaking hypothetically. Of course he took them. He's tried to steal them pretty much once a week since he was old enough to walk upright. Well, he took Ra at least. Slifer, I have no idea. It's just GONE. Maybe whoever took over the Rare Hunter's in Malik's absence… as for Obelisk, I'm willing to lend it to you…"
"Is that the cool card?"
"YES, DAMMIT! THAT'S THE COOL #&#& CARD!" Isis shrieked. She took a deep breath. "Yes. And I'll will lend it to you if you agree to lure the holders of the other two cards here by throwing a tourn–"
"Done."
"… huh?"
"Oh, my tournament was ready to go before I came here. It will take over the whole city and fill it with battles, so I like to call it 'OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B',"
"… … … … How do you even SAY that?! Wouldn't something like Battle City make more sense?"
"God, you're just like Mokuba! I just don't understand your twisted logic… Can I have the card now?"
"FINE! Just take it, get out from under my tablet, and get your stupid tournament going!"
Once Kaiba had left she muttered, derisively, "Geek."
Holding the frankly, pretty sweet, Obelisk, Kaiba sauntered back out to his car. What he found there was NOT quite what he'd expected. His car was half crushed under a massive stone sarcophagus that was shoved into passenger seat (Not with a whole lot of success, given that the sarcophagus was bigger than the car). On it there was a sticky note.
Kaiba:
Hi! How are you? I'm good. While we were talking downstairs I had some of the guards put this in your car. I got it in the mail this morning, with a note that said to give it to you. It came FedEx., so I figured it must be important. It probably contains part of a horrible evil artifact, so don't let anyone take it please.
-Isis
Kaiba looked at the thing, and his car. There was no way in hell his sports car could even budge that thing.
"… … … … … How am I supposed to get home?"
An extra line appeared on the bottom of the sticky-note: I dunno. Push?
"Bitch."
Geek.