Chapter 4: Even Tea can be pushed too far

In the heart of Egypt, in room 214 of the Cairo Motel 6, Malik chuckled horribly, gazing at his latest acquisition. "Ah, the Winged Dragon of Ra… I just LOVE this thing. Sure, I may not have the Rare Hunters anymore, but I don't need them as long as I have this puppy. Oh, and you." Malik said, almost as an afterthought, to Odion. "Soon… Soon I shall return to Domino and DESTROY the pharaoh! With this card I shall claim eternal power! I don't need anything but the WINGED DRAGON OF RA!!!! … Oh, and you."

"Sir, have you ever considered that this is terribly stupid? I mean, we must first assume that Yugi will accept your challenge…"

"Why wouldn't he?"

"Well, he doesn't particularly care about you. You don't exactly inspire terror in him, considering your last attempt on his life didn't turn out very well… which brings up the point of your sister."

Malik shuddered. "T-true, there is her. But SHE doesn't know I have Ra!"

"Sir… she SEES THE FUTURE. And in any case, we both know that you've tried to steal the Ra card basically every week since there's BEEN a Ra card. Once she notices it's gone, she's going to suspect you."

"Point. But why would she be in Domino? She would NEVER go to Domino! There's no chance that she's in Domino!"

At this point, the T.V. which they had left on played a news report: "And a special piece for all Egyptians visiting Japan: National celebrity and renowned archeologist Isis Ishtar is currently visiting Domino City in Japan to display a special collection of artifacts she has unearthed. If you're nearby, be sure to check it out!"

Malik's skin, normally a deep tan, had turned a ghostly white. "Oh hell. You MUST be joking."

"There! You see?! That's proof from the gods that this is a bad idea!"

"Alright… maybe you have a point…" Malik began.

-NO! We need to kill, smash, destroy and conquer! We must make the oceans run red with the blood of innocents!- His Yami raged.

One: I hate you. You're a loathsome parasite, and you infest my every waking moment with your vileness. Two: Isis is there. We CAN'T go there.

-I am not afraid of your sister!-

Yes, you are.

-… …Alright, a little bit. But we still need to destroy!-

But…

-DESTROY!-

ALRIGHT ALREADY! We'll risk it if you SHUT UP.

-Destroy.-

Yes, Dammit! Shifting back to the real world, Malik said to Odion, "… we're just going to have to risk Isis."

"… that may be the stupidest idea anyone has ever had."

"I know that! I don't want to die anymore than you do! But he…" Malik said, pointing at himself, "Won't shut up about it!"

"Ah. You're insane."

"No, I just have another person living in my mind who gives me orders sometimes," Malik said, like it were the most natural thing in the world.

Odion sighed. Remember your vows, Odion. He told himself. No matter how looney he gets, you do what he says… Both of him. "Very well, sir. We'll do what your other personality says and engage in a course that makes absolutely no sense to anyone who does not wish an early grave."

"So glad you see things my way," Malik said approvingly. "YES, WE'LL DESTROY THINGS WHILE WE'RE THERE!" he shouted, seemingly to thin air.

Oh, dear God… Odion thought.

In Domino, Japan, another spiritually created extra personality was giving his own opinion. -Ah… Home. Safe, defensible, surrounded by solid metal on all sides… we're finally back…- Yami thought, relieved to once again be where you could see the evil coming.

I think we should go out. Yugi said simply.

-… … … … … … … … Yugi, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that. We went out this morning, and look where it led: EVIL. We got embroiled in another incompetent evil plot. If we go out NOW, I guarantee those invisible cyborg zombie ninjas will take us down before we get three feet.-

Yami, you NEED to get over your agoraphobia. The world is not just a nesting ground for the forces of darkness, and I need a life outside of this cube! Now, if it will make you less nervous, we'll spend the evening with Tea.

-… … you mean, like, the WHOLE evening? An extended period of time? Like, hours? Because that might not be safe.- Yami said, for some reason sounding like Tea scared him more than partially-robotic undead ninjas.

What? I thought you two were dating.

-Um… yeah… I… we… um…-

Okay, I won't pry. But we ARE going to meet Tea.

-Oh, really? And what if I don't let you?-

Well, considering that as we've been talking, I have been walking to the meeting, and Tea is skipping towards us as we speak, you don't have a whole lot of choice.

-I… I… I… I… I… YOU SUCK!- Yami said, reluctantly taking control.

"Hi, Yugi!" Tea chirped. "We have a GREAT afternoon ahead of us! We're going to go to dinner, and feed birds, and go to arcades, and go to card shops (I know you love cards) and walk in the park, and go to the museum 'cause they have Egyptian stuff and YOU'RE EGYPTIAN!" she practically screamed.

Yami took several steps backwards, looking VERY scared. "Yes. Yes of course. And we probably shouldn't talk too much about any past events of any kind while we do this. At all."

What's wrong with you?

-Shut UP, I need to concentrate! I can't screw this up, or we're both dead!-

… … huh?

And so the day went on. They did indeed go to feed birds, and they stopped at a card shop (Yami got some new cards, always fun for him) and they DID eat dinner, and stopped at an arcade, where they saw something that stopped them in their tracks.

Tea's eyes got very, very wide. They started to sparkle. "DANCING." She breathed, a delighted whisper.

Ahead, a very flamboyant man with incredibly ugly hair was competing with another, more human looking man at some sort of dancing videogame. Eerily, he was doing very, very well. I mean, like, dancing like a real pro.

Yami raised an eyebrow. "And they say wearing leather all day is gay."

Tea turned to Yami. "THEY'RE DANCING!" She screamed delightedly. "I WANNA DANCE!"

The man did a pirouette, and posed like a disco dancer. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! I'm a dancin' machine! On the video screen! Dancin' like you ain't never seen! Does anyone else want to take on Johnny Steps, the Lord of the Dance… ing videogame?"

Tea's eyes got even bigger. "OH, GOOD LORD, I DO! PICK ME!"

"Ah, a girl! No men can compete with my killer dancin', so women are the bane of my existence!"

Yami snickered. "Trust me, it shows."

"What are you implying?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just saying that I could tell from your interesting dance moves that you may harbor a certain distaste for the female gender," Yami said reasonably. Then he sneezed, but for some reason it sounded like 'closet gay!' said really fast.

Totally innocent, of course.

Johnny seemed indignant. "I will have you know that I am NOT…"

"Nobody said you were, fruity."

"I have a girlfriend!"

"Oh, now you're just being catty." Yami said, his smirk getting ever smirkier.

"Hey, I'm not the one in bondage leather…"

"Mrowr, hiss!" Yami said sarcastically.

Suddenly, all noise in the arcade went silent. Yami stopped making fun of Johnny. A spotlight shone down onto the dancing game, and standing there, a cold fire in her eyes, was Tea. "Let's settle this on the dance floor," She said softly, "I hope you like being UTTERLY DESTROYED."

Yami raised an eyebrow. -She looks kind of evil there.-

Tea takes her dancing seriously.

-Oh, it shows! She's very limber.-

Yeah… about that, you never did explain why you two aren't really dating anymore.

-Well, Yugi, we didn't have a 'date' so much as a 'one night stand'.-

I didn't think Tea was the kind of girl who'd do that… Yugi thought sadly.

-Now, now, Yugi, Tea and I are both adults, and if we want to have a night of meaningless intimacy that is condoned and accepted by both of us, that's perfectly allowed.-

… Okay, I know Tea, and I know that she would NOT let you get away with that for free. She'd want a committed relationship.

-… I have no idea what you're talking about.- Yami said guiltily.

… SHE DID WANT TO START A RELATIONSHIP! YOU DID SOMETHING! Yugi shouted, filled with sudden comprehension.

-… I… meaningless… adults… we…-

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

-Well… Tea was all lovey, and feely, and like 'I can't wait to be really committed!' She was picking out wedding decorations!-

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

-Well, when you spend so much time around people who read minds, and control minds… and… er, erase minds… you learn a few tricks.-

YOU ERASED TEA'S MIND?!?!

-Not the whole thing…-

YOU ERASED TEA'S MIND?!?!

-Only a TINY portion of it…-

Yami, I've watched you commit both attempted suicide and attempted homicide, and I honestly believe that this is the WORST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE. This is like, hard-core evil! We've met people, really horrible, evil people, who haven't done anything this completely awful.

-Aw, cmon, it was just a FEW memories!-

-You do realize that I'm going to have to mention this.

-But why?!-

You treated a very close personal friend like she was just an object for your twisted amusement and tossed her aside like yesterday's trash rather than deal with the consequences of your idiotic hormonally charged actions. I feel that if you do not come clean and atone for your actions, you honestly, literally WILL go to hell.

-… … Have I ever told you that you suck?-

Tea, broken and bruised, fell off the dancing game into Yugi's arms. Johnny Steps did a similar fall onto one of his supporters. "Good lord! What happened in there?"

Tea scowled at him. "Dancing is very serious business, Yugi. We're lucky to be alive!" she informed him. "We're taking a five minute break… oh, man, he's better than I thought. We're doing the Mesopotamian 'boxing dance'… I just don't know if I can go another round…"

Yugi smiled, wickedly. Yami had been asking for this. "I have some information that might just give you the drive you need,"

He told her what Yami had mentioned to him.

In the basement of the museum, Isis Ishtar shook her necklace in annoyance. "Stupid thing must be broken," She said in irritation. "I keep asking it what I'm destined to have for dinner tonight, and all it says is 'the destroyer is nigh'."

In a submarine off the coast of California, Colonel Dmitry Rokodiyovich Grishnov Andropopov Popov Serov gave an evil chuckle. How foolish all these Americans were, to believe that they could ever defeat the almighty Soviet Union! In a few minutes, nuclear missiles loaded with Venezuelan Death Cancer would rain down upon their cities, wiping them clean in a… er… rain… of Nuclear fire! And then, all the survivors would get horrible Venezuelan Death cancer, and the evil forces of Communism would rule the world!

Yes, it had all been worth disguising their rogue KGB cell as a legitimate corporation and then using that corporations pharmaceutical division to conduct virus experiments on monkeys and paying terrorists to hold the Eiffel tower hostage to draw away American defenses! Soon, all the world would be in the evil grip of Communism!

"Comrade!" Lieutenant Arkady Ivanovich Gorbachev Russovich said, alarmed. "A massive shockvave is approaching from the vest! It sounds like… yes, it sounds like a teenage girl in Japan screaming in rage! The shockvave… oh dear lord, it's being amplified by the ocean! It's shattering our bulkheads, we're taking in vater! Comrade, we're sinkink!"

As the submarine sank, along with all his evil plans, Colonel Dmitry Rokodiyovich Grishnov Andropopov Popov Serov raised his hands over his head and screamed "Nyet! NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!"

"HE DID WHAT?!" Tea roared.
"He eras–" Yugi began

"I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I WAS BEING &$& RHETORICAL!"

"Sorry." Yugi squeaked.

"GET THAT SON OF A BITCH OUT HERE, NOW!"

The puzzle glowed weakly, and the cowering Yugi turned into a cowering Yami. "N-n-n-n-n-now Tea, friend…"

" 'Friend'? 'FRIEND'?! FRIEND?! I KNOW A LOT ABOUT FRIENDSHIP, AND IT SEEMS LIKE MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD! YOU SEE, A 'FRIEND' IS SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T ERASE YOUR GODDAMN MIND WHEN HE'S TO WUSSY TO DEAL WITH HIS OWN STUPIDITY! A 'FRIEND' WOULD SIT DOWN AND HAVE A REASONABLE $(#$&( DISCUSSION ABOUT IT! A 'FRIEND' DOESN'T USE A FRIEND AND THEN SPIT THEM OUT LIKE BUBBLEGUM! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, 'FRIENDS' DON'T KILL THEIR FRIENDS, AND I'M SURE AS HELL GOING TO RIP YOUR #(& HEAD OFF!"

You had to use the word 'friend', didn't you?

-I forgot who I was talking too! I'm under a lot of stress here!-

You DID earn it.

-I've said it before, I'll say it again, YOU SUCK!-

"NOW, you worthless vermin, I am willing to give you twenty-five seconds to make peace with whatever pagan Egyptian god you worship before I tear your spine out and beat you to death with it. One… Two… three… four…"

-YUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! I THINK SHE REALLY IS GOING TO KILL US!-

Aw, c'mon! How come I have to die for YOU being a jerk?!

"… twelve… thirteen…"

"What happened to five through eleven?!" Yami demanded.

"Someone must have erased my memory of them. Fourteen… fifteen…"

-I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die…-

AND YOU THINK I DO?!

"Seventeen… eighteen… nineteen…"

SCREW MORALITY! YAMI, STOP HER!

"MIND CRUSH!" Yami shouted, hurling mind-warping shadow powers at Tea.

Tea looked confused. "… Huh? What were we talking about?"

"Um… you were just saying how… um… cool… puppies are. Yeah, puppies."

Tea's eyes started sparkling. "Oh, of course! Puppies are just ADORABLE!" Tea then began ranting about puppies and the adorableness of the aforementioned animal.

Very, VERY relieved, and with their souls now a delightful shade of black, Yugi and Yami led Tea out the door and off to the museum.

And Johnny? C'mon, that guy's a wuss. He ran away a LONG time ago.