Always felt wrong. The way it felt so right. It shouldn't be something that felt normal. But it did now. Like a routine. Accept she wanted to change the steps. Wished that this didn't make her feel sick. Sick to her stomouch. Because he could never love her. Would never love her. Didn't want to. Or maybe he really couldn't love. Or maybe it was just her he couldn't love. But things wouldn't change because she couldn't make them. Couldn't let go. Couldn't push him away for good. Because everytime she tried it just got harder. More painful. He replaced everyone. Always wanted him to. But now he really had. No Joyce. No Buffy. The scboobies were to blind to see what was happening. Or maybe something in their subconcious made them look away. Because they didn't want to see it. Didn't want to scold her. Not after all she had been through. But mostly it was for selfish reasons. Because they didn't want to see their innoscent little Dawnie becomming something tarnished.
Dawn stood up and walked into the kitchen. It was dark always dark. Pitch black lately. Or maybe she was immagining things. Seeing a darkness that wasn't there, just in her eyes. She opened the fridge and grabbed a soda. She cracked open the top as it hissed. Shutting the frigde door she took a gulp of the carbonated beverage. She could feel cold fingers on her neck. Feel cool breathe on her skin. It sent shivers down her spine. Afraid it would always be like this. How come she never got use to his touch how come she couldn't just pretend it wasn't amazing. Couldn't pretend it wasn't what she wanted. She could try. But he always saw right through the lie. Saw her. Saw through her. Like no one else. And he would never leave. Dawn shrugged him away acting as if he made her sick. She could try.
"Oh don't try that one again pet." Spike hissed as he turned around Dawns' body to face him. "Don't shrug me off. You want me all over you, don't you baby?" Spike smiled, evil filling inside his wild eyes, as he looked her up and down. "Love how dirty it feels." Spike traced his tongue along her neck. Making her feel every second of it. Making her feel how much he wanted her. He pressed his hips into her. Grinding up against her. Making her feel him. All of him. The way he moaned against her skin. The way he touched her. Wanted her. He wanted her to feel it. Because then it would make her give in sooner. Like always.
She breathed in heavily. Her breath fading into pants. She wanted him and she didn't want to anymore. Everytime he touched her it made her week at the knees and everywhere else. His hands grazing her soft skin. Every breath, every sound, every touch, was intoxicating. More then it should be. More then she wanted it to be. Everytime he touched her. Always the same. She told herself this was not worth it. That she didn't feel anything. But she did. And to deny that would be a hopeless effort. But her life was filled with hopeless efforts now. Always trying to escape his grasp. Trying but failing. Maybe she failed because she never really tried. Just made her self think that she did, so she would feel better about herself. Losing Buffy had killed her. She needed support. And no one was there. But he was there. Swooping in for the kill. He saw weekness and attacked. Taking her when she was vulnerable. Making her his play thing. His toy, made for his amusement. And he had taught her what to say, how to act. When to throw the punches. But sometimes on nights like these. She said exactly what she knew would piss him off. Because she needed to. To make an effort. Or this was all her fault. This hopeless feeling.
"Spike, not tonight." Dawn said pushing him away. "I'm tired and everyone is comming over tonight." Dawn leaned up against the wall needing support after what he had done to her. She looked at him. His face. It was so perfect. This was going to be a long night. A long night of fighting of holding in the decite. Of lying about the truth. Of being honest about the lies. Why did he make this so hard. Always too hard. The scoobies really were comming over tonight. Dawn didn't want to do this. Didn't want them to see her and Spike when they walked in. Didn't want to have to watch them scurry about in confusing. They loved her but they trusted her more then she deserved credit for. Thought she was the innoscent little girl she was before. Before Buffy died. But she wasn't. Spike had seen to that.
"Oh come on Nibblet." Spike smirked with malicious intent glossing over in his lust-filled eyes. "Something inside you wants them to see me on top of you. You want them to know what a bad girl youv'e been. Then you wouldn't have to hide." Spike stepped closer licking his lips. He pressed his hips against hers. Placing an almost rough kiss on her lips. Pulling her into him. He could feel her desire. Could taste it in her mouth. Could taste the way she wanted this, needed this. This only urged him on further. The fact that she wanted him made this torture all the more entertaining. More fun. And Spike was all for fun. Maybe it was too cocky, too confident but he knew she wanted him. She always had, even when she was just a kid. Always.
"No Spike, your wrong, I don't want them to know." Dawn hissed. Hoping this would hurt hoping she could effect him. Maybe she could. She never thought it was possible. Like he was the only one who knew how to make his words sting. But it had never been like that. Every word Dawn spoke always had such weight to it. But now with him it was impossible to find the right words. Impossible to make him hurt, not like he did to her. "I never want them to find out what you do to me. I don't even want them seeing you here with me." Dawn said glaring into him her blue eyes. Maybe. Maybe it did hurt.
"Mmm." Spike growled. He backed away slowely, making her feel him as he moved away. Showing her what it felt like to be touching him and how easily it could be ripped away. She didn't like it. It was like taking away her herione. Like taking away her drug. When she was hopelessly addicted. Addicted to the point where if he was there in front of her, she couldn't walk away. Not with out her injection. "Always playing bloody games." Spike hissed taking a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it as he slid it into his lips. "Sing me a different tune next time Nibblet." Spike spoke around the cigarette perced in his lips. "Always comes to this doesn't it?" Spike asked looking at her leaning against the fridge.
"What?" Dawn asked weekly. Couldn't reply to much. He wasn't touching her and it felt...wrong. Why did everything feel so wrong? When he was touching her it felt wrong. When he wasn't it felt wrong. Dawn couldn't figure out her emotions anymore, and some part of her didn't want to. Another part knew she must be really screwed up if she didn't know what she was feeling. Could never tell anymore. Just feel. Couldn't feel. Not without him. Him? It always use to be her. Her sister. She thought she was numb because she wasn't there. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it wasn't losing Buffy at all. Maybe it was what she could have from losing Buffy. Maybe it felt wrong because out of losing her sister she gained Spike. But could she ever really have him?
"It always come's down to us throwing punches at each other." Spike said looking at his feet then quickly looked into her eyes. "Just love to hurt each other, don't we pet?" Spike said smirking. But his eyes saying something completely different. Pain? Or maybe he was just tired. Tired of chasing her. Could never tell anymore. Couldn't tell anything. What she was feeling what he was feeling. It was all the same all nothing. Everything.
Dawn sighed. Again he was right. They were always hurting each other. How come he knew so much. Knew everything. So smart. She never really was. All the scoobies thought because she knew what to say knew the words, that she was intellegent. But she was young, and niave, clueless. She didn't know anything about life. She was too young. Unexperienced. But Spike was changing that. Or atleast trying to. Making her learn all the right sighs, the right moans, the right words. But she didn't know herself. Could never know someone you didn't want to. They had to stop hurting each other. They were killing each other. Breaking themselves down until there was nothing left. Nothing but there shells. Always what they wanted. Just to be numb. Because that's what they were supposed to be. Numb. That's what everyone else wanted. But when they were together they could feel. Feel alive. For once. Not numb. Just alive.
"I guesse your right." Dawn breathed. "Always are though." She admitted. Spike gave her a strange look. He was. Always right. Everything that crossed his lips when his intent was to be correct was. He could lie as well. But Dawn could always tell the difference. They had memorized each other. He knew when she was truthful and when she was spitting out lies. And she knew when his tongue was twisting the truth. But it was never lies with her. Always told the truth. That's why she never heard "I love you" because he didn't. That was the only explination for not saying it. Right? The only one. It had to be a lie.
"And you love me, don't you Nibblet?" Spike said tilting his head to the side. Always knew what to say. How to make her feel like there was hope. Knew that, he loved to make her squirm. He spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean. He stated that she loved him. But he was unsure. Though he was right as always. He was unsure. Just toying with her. Always playing, just games. All they did was play games. And it was always his game, never hers. She could never win because she always ended up on her back. Failing without warning. Dawn always thought love was a loosely used term. People told strangers they loved them. They told their enemy's they loved them. They told lovers that they loved them. But they always seemed to hurt them. Tear them apart without guilt. And that's what Spike was doing to her. But he had never said he loved her. Just said he wanted her. Wanted to feel her. Be inside her. He always was. Digging into her veigns, under her skin. And everything he said about how messed up her head was. Was all about him. Too many things in the past that led up to this. Too many things that made this impossible. But it happened. It had happened. "I'm not leaving you to get hurt again." Dawn remembered that. Remembered when this was all different. When they were best friends. When he would promise that he would protect. Just protect her. And she always wanted more. Always. She got her wish. But he did hurt her. Every second he was with her. Every second she thought he was thinking of Buffy. Every second her foolish mind played ruthless tricks on her.
"You wanna know what I'm scared of, Spike? Me. Right now, Glory thinks Tara's the Key. But I'm the Key, Spike. I am. And anything that happens to Tara... is 'cause of me. Your bruises, your limp... that's all me, too. I'm like a lightning rod for pain, and hurt... and everyone around me suffers and dies. I must be something so horrible to cause so much pain and evil." Dawn held back tears trying not to let them fall. Still falling like always.
"Rot!" Spike demanded, looking down at the youngest Summer's women. So week, so abandoned, so broken.
"What do you know?" Dawn shook her head.
"I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil." Spike said with an almost smile. No way something so pure, so innoscent could be evil. No way possible. But she knew he was wrong. She couldn't cause this much hurt and not be evil. But it felt good to have him feel that way about her. Think she wasn't evil. Not a killer.
"Maybe I'm not evil." She caved. "But I don't think I can be good." She admitted. No couldn't be good, not to cause so much pain.
Spike paused for a long moment. Just stairing. Thinking. "Well." He sighed. "I'm not good, and I'm okay." He offered.
So many memory's. From a time when what they had, felt all right. Not enough but all right. Like maybe something good could out of it. Not so impure like this. Something innoscent. Love? Dawn just wanted him to love her. Was that so much to ask? Just wanted him to let her in all the way. Didn't want him to treat her like Buffy treated him. She ws rediculous. Who sleeps with her dead sister's ex-vampire-boyfriend. Not normal. Not at all. But she couldn't refuse how much she loved him. It would be a straight out lie to say she felt anything less than love. Dawn loved Spike before her sister knew he existed. Before she recognized him as anything more then a vampire. Dawn loved him. He loved her sister. Her sister loved death. No one can win. A twisted love triangle. Only one of them really getting what they wanted. She had loved him since she met him. And it hadn't changed for her. She was afraid always afraid. That someday this would end, that it would never end, that she would never be able to figure out what she really wanted.
"Nibblet, you love me don't you?" Spike said with a sly smile. No she doesn't. He thought. Can't love a demon. But you can make her think she does. Spike was hopeless as well. Always afraid to tell her he loved her. The last women he told he loved, hated him, used him, beat him, and then she died. Not what he wanted to happen to Dawn. Not at all. He wanted her to be his Little Bit, always. Always with him. Always alive. And safe. He wanted her to love him. But someone so innoscent couldn't love such a monster, a demon.
"Does it matter at all?" Dawn asked turning his question around. Because if she lied he would know. Or atleast she thought he would. She loved him. That was the answer. But it would make her feel week and hopeless to say it. To tell the truth. Because the lie sounded better. Always sounding better in your head then when it fell from your useless lips. Always.
"Guesse not." Spike said with a smile. He looked took a drag from the cigarette and put it out on his bare skin. Throwing the butt into the trash can. "Because I am not leaving." He promised. "Not for a bloody second. Cause you make me crazy." Spike admitted. She did make him crazy. Crazy because he wanted her all the time. Crazy because if she didn't love him life would lose all meaning. Crazy because he loved her.
"Just what I want to hear." Dawn said with a slight smile. "I wont ever leave you because you make me crazy." Dawn mocked. "Just like Glory, makin' people crazy." She remembered Glory. Hated her. Didn't hate her. Because Glory was smart. Always said things that made sense. Made logic seem useless. But made sense. The crazy ones always seemed to have life dialed in. They knew the world. Knew reality.
"Funny. 'Cause I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of... and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who's not crazy? Look around. Everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up... shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out 'cause they don't want 'em anymore. I'm crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind. 'Cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts." Glory stood with a crooked smile. Because she knew she was right. She knew the world around her. Knew what it did to people. Knew everyone was crazy. She was just more sain for admitting it.
"You make me crazy, because your always so hot..." Spike smiled moving closer to her. He put his lips so close to hers that they were barely touching. "Then so cold." He leaned into kiss her lips gently. "Maybe it's because you are like your sister." He said pinning her against the wall of the kitchen harshly. "Maybe you like the pain." He smiled maliciously. "Like to be tossed around. Because it's the only thing that makes you feel." Spike hissed almost angry. Wanted her to love him. Wanted to admit he loved her. But it would only hurt them both.
Dawn pushed Spike away. "I am nothing like Buffy!" She hollered. "Nothing like her." Her voice faded. "She wasn't even really my sister." Dawn whinned. She pulled away again. He always said the wrong things when he really needed to say the right ones. Should have just told her loved her. Maybe then she wouldn't pull away.
...Buffy pointed out the blood on Dawn's hand. "Look, it's blood. It's Summers blood." She pressed her hand against the wound on her shoulder and then clasped her bloody hand in Dawn's bloody hand. "It's just like mine. It doesn't matter where you came from, or-or how you got here. You are my sister..."
Dawn always wondered if it was the truth. If her sister really loved her. If she did then why would she screw Spike? Buffy knew how Dawn felt about him. Knew how much it would hurt her. But she still did it. Just wanted to feel. Even if it hurt her sister even if it tore her apart. Feeling was more important to her then her sister. Feeling alive. And now she was dead. Dead and Gone. Why did everything end up backwards? Couldn't she just for once get what she wanted, and get it without guilt. Or pain.
"Sorry pet." Spike said in a whisper. Didn't mean to say the wrong thing again, but he did. Always did. Loved her. Hated her. Hated himself. Loved what he did to her. Wished he could make it stop. Make the pain stop. Make everything all right. Make it like before. But like now. Make it his own. Can't fix something unless it's broken. Can't fix it when it's broken. If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed. "It's impoper of me to confuse darkness from light. Because there completely different relatives." Spike tried to smile. Right again. Darkness and light. Came from the sky both the same, yet completely different. Like Dawn and Buffy. Light and Dark. Different. Completely. But they were sisters.
Dawn smirked but then it faded back into a glum frown. She knew he was right again. But which one was light and which one was darkness? Didn't want to know. Because it could go either way. "Their gonna be here soon." Dawn made sure he knew. She walked away slowely sauntering into the dining room.
"Dawn?" Spike called to her walking two steps behind her.
She paused. "Yeah." Didn't turn around, just paused. Always just pausing. Just waiting. Until something fell through. Until someone found out about their little games they played. Until they saw what they did. Heard the sounds comming from her room. But they probably never would. Because then that would be too easy. Then she would have no choice but to give him up. But she didn't want to.
"They don't want to come ya know." Spike said with a sigh. Trying to cut again. Because if he made her believe that they didn't want her. Didn't love her. Then she would be left with only him. And that's all he ever wanted. For it to be just them. Always.
"Spike did you think maybe I know that?" She turned around. "That I asked them to come." She narrowed her eyes. "Because I didn't want to be alone with you." She lied again. Always lying to cover up the truth. Because it hurt to much to love him. Hurt to much to be honest. Always hurt. Never felt all right. Never more then intense.
"Liar." He hissed genuinly angry. She couldn't really not want to be with him. Always wanted to be with him. He stalked towards her. "You love everything about what we do. And you can't wait until we go another round." Spike brushed against her, clenching his jaw in a seductive stance. Towering over her. "Need me to walk you through it again kitten?" Spike teased. He always knew what would really get her riled up.
"Your such an ass!" Dawn hollered. She hauled off and punched him in the jaw.
"Come one, give it me good Dawnie." Spike smirked taunting her. "S'matter, that all you got?" He toyed with her.
Dawn punched him again, and again, and again. Untill her hands were bleeding. He was barely hurt and her hands were stinging. Hated that he was a vampire. Hated that she could never hurt him. Never hurt him. Not like he hurt her. Never like this. Never. She stopped as he smirked that evil taunting smirk.
"You love to cause pain, dontcha pet?" Spike glaired into her eyes. "Love to feel it. Love to cause it. Love the pain." Spike clambered forward.
"No Spike. I don't like the pain." Dawn whimpered. "I just wanna feel." She admitted.
"I can make you feel." Spike grabbed her and pulled her into him in one quick, rough jolt. He squeezed her shoulders digging his nails into her. There would be bruses there in the morning. He pushed his mouth into hers. Almost rough, forcefull. Making her feel. Exstacy. All he ever did was make her feel. He made her feel pain. But it was almost worth the pain. Because when he touched her, kissed her, held her, she felt alive, she felt wanted. And she wanted him. Loved him. Something inside him was something she needed. And something she could, would, never give up. Because no matter how hopeless the daylight made her. In the darkness where they couldn't see when they were together. She was alive.
"Spike why do you always have to make things harder on me?" She asked weekly as he pulled his mouth away.
"Hmm...so many things I could say to that Nibblet." Spike smirked evil glinting in his blue eyes. She knew what he meant. Always with the inuendo. Always with the sly comments. Always smooth. Perfect. Incredible. Loved. Always with depserate desires and unadmirable plans. Always. "Dawn?" Spike whispered. "Do you love me?" He asked genuinly.
"That's like asking me if I love the rain." Dawn smiled. "There is a simple answer for both." Spike knew she was toying with him. Knew she was trying to confuse him. But what she said was simple and obvious. He knew she loved the rain. Knew whenever he could smell it comming he would have to take her outside.
"Is the answer the same for both?" Spike asked honestly.
"Yes." Dawn admitted. And now he was sure. Yes. She loved the rain. So, yes. She loved him.
Spike pulled her into another kiss griping onto her. Never wanting to let go. Never wanting to let her go. Loved her. Always loved her. Needed her. And she needed him. So it had to be enough now. Because Buffy was gone. And no one else cared about either one of them. Just each other. Always each other. But Dawn still didn't think he felt anything more then lust for her. Just wanted to touch her. Wanted what was left of Buffy. The last piece of the slayer. Dawn was hopeless. She had always defending Spike. Stood up for whatever he said. Even when he was wrong. Always. Telling them he was good. Defending him with her life, with the walls crashing down. A warped idea of reality. Always like this. Because she loved him. And he didn't love her.
"I know you don't love me." Dawn sighed. "But that's all right. I know you just want what 'little bit' of Buffy there is left." Dawn said weekly using play on words- 'Little bit'. She looked down at her feet. "And it's fine." It wasn't fine. She loved him. And she couldn't walk away no matter what. And it killed her to believe he still loved her sister. Tore her apart.
"Is that what you think?" Spike said shaking her body. "Dawn?" Spike looked different now. Calmer. Gentler. Like before. Before she let him have her. When they were just friends. "Dawn, I love you." Spike let the words cross his now unburdined lips. He had told her. Told her the truth finally. Let her know he loved her. Because she deserved it. If it was really what she wanted. She deserved everything she wanted.
"But-" Dawn looked confused. How could he love her? He loved Buffy always did. "What about Buffy?" She asked honestly trying not to shed a tear. This had to be some sick twisted game. Set to make her burn. Make her feel happiness and then tear it away. That's all this was. Couldn't be anything more. Never was. Just pain.
"What about Buffy?" Spike said a look of worsened confusion on his strong face. What is she bloody talking about? Spike thought. Must have been insane. Why would she ask about the slayer now? Anymore. They never talked about her. Because she was gone.
"Don't you love her?" Dawn asked sadened. She knew the answer and she didn't want to hear it. Never wanted to hear it. Because it would only cause her endless pain. All she could ever do was feel pain. Because it was only logical that pain would follow her. Where ever she went. No matter where she went. And everyone else could feel it. Feel her pain.
"I did." Spike admitted. And he thought it could have been love. But she was gone and it was over. Didn't feel the same when he thought of Buffy anymore. Just felt...emptyness. When he thought of Dawn. He felt, lust, passion, affection, love. So many feelings all comming together. Because he loved the younger Summer's women. Because things change. "Not anymore." Spike said with a sigh. No. Not anymore. He loved Buffy before. Or whatever that was. But not anymore. Now it was Dawn. He had no idea how it had happened. How things had become so different. And why it had become her. But it had. That was something he was uterly sure of.
"But-" She looked lost. She was drowning in complete confusion. She didn't know how the man...vampire she had loved her entire life could love her. It just wasn't possible for her. She wasn't like Buffy. She didn't get exactly what she wanted. So this had to be some sick joke. Still her mind turned on her. Telling her not to trust him.
"No Dawn." Spike ordered. "Don't." He said with a faint smile. "I do love you. I love you." He repeated. She needed to know it. Needed to believe it. Because it was the truth. Not anything less. Much, much more. He loved her with every little bit of existance he had left. Burning inside of him. Never wanted to. But he did. Because it always hurt a guys ego to love a Summer's women. They always knew how to make it hurt. Make everything more complicated then it had to be.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Dawn asked barely in a whisper. Because he's just lying. Dawn thought. He can't love you. Never did. Never will. She always thought it was Buffy. Because Buffy got everything. And she got nothing. Nothing. Because she wasn't anything. Just key. Can't love nothingness.
"I was afraid." Spike admitted reluctantly. "Summer's women don't seem to be to good for my health." Spike smiled.
"So what now?" She asked meakly. Like always. None of them ever knew where to go from here. No where to go. Had to be trained to walk in the right direction. Had to be lead. Couldn't do it alone. Had to have guide. And Spike was her guide. The only one who ever knew what to say. The only one who would never leave. Even if it was better for him to go. She knew it now. Why he never left. Because he couldn't this place kept you here. Always someone to come back to. Brought Buffy back from the dead before for fucks sake. Always brought Spike back here. Brought her back. So maybe this was where they belonged. As long as they were together. That would be all right.
"Not quite sure Nibblet." Spike smirked. "But I think we'll figure it out." He leaned into place a kiss on her always willing lips. Not how they expected the night to go. Never ended like this. With "I love you's" and gentle kisses. Always ended in hateful words, punches, and heavy breathing. So maybe things could change. Because she knew he loved her. Because he knew she loved him. They held onto each other, forgetting to come up for air. Who needed air anyway, far too overated.
"Dawn!" Xander hollered in shock. The outline of his yell laced with pain. Heartbreak. His innoscent little Dawnie. Everyone just stood in horror. What were they watching. What where they stairing at. Dawn and Spike. The key and the demon. But they didn't stop as they heard the screams of terror. Didn't care. Not anymore. Maybe tonight would end with lectures and packed bags. Leaving town with streaming tears down her face. But right now they didn't care. As long as they were together. Then everything else didn't matter. Breathing was overated, family was overated. They weren't. Because love, that wasn't overated. Not for them.