Nothing Will Ever Change That
Chapter 103: Truth
A/N- This chapter was proof-read by Frost-Eva-04, thanks for the help!
A/A/N- Not that it really matters, but this is by far my favorite chapter! Oh, and also I finally broke 200,000 words as of last chapter! Okay, enough author notes, back to the fic!
Beach – One Hour Later
"You didn't deserve what happened to you… he had no right to even touch you," I was back to sitting and hugging my legs, but this time it was more of a fetal position then simply getting comfortable. I just got done telling Shinji – more in detail – what happened to me… I think I saw him get teary eyed at one point.
"Yeah…" I look back at him and simply stare at his face for a few minutes. When he started to get uncomfortable, I spoke up, "Shinji… take off your shirt…"
"What!" I kept my face blank.
"Just do it… I'll only need a few minutes…" while blushing, he pulled off his shirt. I get next to him and stare him in the eyes, "Tell me, why do you think your body is littered with all of these scars?" he had to know…
"I dunno, I just thought that they were from surgeries from when I was in the coma…" I put a hand on his cheek, "A-Asuka?"
"Shinji… do you trust me?" slowly, he nods, "Would you believe anything I said?"
"Well… y-yeah… you're the only person I do trust right now…" please don't let him freak out…
"None of these scars are from surgeries, not a one of them. Shinji… my husband… is you… my real name is Asuka Langley Ikari… not Souryu…" he widens his eyes a little.
"Asuka… I think that you're getting sick again… we should get you home…" I move my hand and put it on his shoulder, which had a single bullet wound on it.
"No… see this scar? It was when you tried to save me from yet another man. You were shot twice… one here," I move my hand to his stomach, "And here… you almost died trying to save me…"
"But… I've been in a coma…" I nod, still with my blank face.
"No you weren't… let me finish…" I put my hand on his wrist, now with a hand actually attached to it, "You tried to protect me from my father when he came back… you lost your hand for it…" I once again move my hand to his right palm, "This one is from me… I was taken over by Envy – one of the sins – and cut you on your palm and upper arm…" I move my hand to his back where his largest scar was, "This is when a friend lost his temper…" I lean in a little and intensify my stare, "You were dead for a short time… you sacrificed yourself to save me when SEELE attacked…"
"Asuka, seriously, I think you're getting sick. We really need to get home," I put my hand on my stomach.
"I'm carrying you child right now… please believe me…" my blank face was replaced with an almost begging one. I reach into my back pocket and pull out his old ID, "Look at this," I hand it to him. After looking over it for a few seconds, he gasps, "Family; Asuka Langley Ikari, Dietlinde Ikari, Gendo Ikari, Yui Ikari," I have read over that ID so many times I've basically memorized it.
"This is fake… this can't be real…" he continues to stare at the card.
"It is… I'm sorry I've been lying to you… but it couldn't be helped…"
"But… if I died… how did I…?" maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
"That doctor you saw before cloned you from what was left of your body after the fight… a large warhead took you out…" I slowly lean in and hug him, "I love you…" he was as stiff as a board.
"Y-You're… my wife?" I nod.
"I'm so sorry you had to find out this way… please forgive me Shinji," he wrapped his arms around me and returned the hug.
"Are… these dreams that I've been having real?" I lean back and stare him in the eye, "Did… I ever go shopping for you… and bought a bra and a silk dress?" he has been dreaming…
"You dreamt that?" he nods slowly.
"So… all of these dreams are my… his past?" I didn't even think about him freaking out about being a clone!
"No, that's you. You're my husband… just with a few missing memories…" our faces were just two inches apart.
"I-I… this isn't true… you're lying… you're lying!" he leaps up and glares down at me, "Why are you doing this? If this is about your husband, you need to get some help! I'm not just something to replace him!" I stand up and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Shinji, I-"
"Shut up! I'm sick of your lies! You were the only person that I actually liked since my mother, and you pull this? Why are you doing this to me?" he pulls away from my hand.
"I'm not doing anything! Everything I just said was true! You can ask anyone at NERV and they'll all tell you the same story!" I see tears start to form in his eyes.
"Enough! I'm not a father, I'm not a husband, and I'm sure as hell not any of the things you say I am!" I shouldn't have done this…
"I'm sorry… but you are…" I put a hand on his cheek again.
"Like hell I am! You're nothing… you're nothing but a lying bitch!" he throws a hard punch at my cheek… did he just hit me? "Screw this!" he walks off angrily. I wanted to chase after him, but I couldn't get my legs to work… I just let him go. I put a hand on my throbbing cheek… Shinji just punched me… my husband just punched me… the metallic taste of blood started to fill my mouth. I feel a long cut on my cheek… he just made me bleed…
"Shinji…" I should have just let him think that he was in a coma. He would have been happy… he would have been with me… "Shinji!" he stops walking at glares back at me.
"WHAT! What the fuck is it!" that anger in his eyes… it's never been pointed at me before…
"Please… don't leave…" he stormed back and stared me down.
"And give me one damn reason why I shouldn't!" I hate this… I hate how he's treating me…
"Because… I need you…" I stared at the ground and feel my tears start to build up, "I need you around… to live…"
"Cut the crap Asuka! I'm nothing to you! I'm just some kid that woke up that YOU clung to after your husband died!" he's never acted like this to me… my heart is actually hurting… after I stay quiet for awhile, he breaks the silence, "Running out of lies?"
"I'm… not lying…" he sighs and walks off.
"Whatever…"
---
NERV – Akagi's Office – 8:00 PM
"He still hasn't come back?" five hours… five hours sense he left me… I had been in Akagi's office ever sense I came back to NERV. I saw him walk across the street, round a corner and that was the last I saw of him.
"No… was he really that angry?" I put a hand on my now bruised cheek.
"He hit me… he actually hit me…" her eyes went wide.
"He did what!" it didn't even hurt that much… it was just mental pain. Knowing that he actually HIT me… that was torturing.
"I shouldn't have told him… I should have just left it alone… he was happy with me without knowing the truth. Now he hates me…" why did I have to open my mouth? We were happy how we were and I just had to ruin that!
"I don't think he hates you, he's just angry."
"No… he was beyond angry… I've never seen him like that before. Ritsuko, I could tell… he hated me. Shinji actually hit me… he hit me!" I'm never going to be able to forget this… even though I wanted to so badly.
"I know that, and no, he wasn't right to even touch you, but you need to realize what his mind is going through. He now knows that he's a clone, can you imagine what that must feel like? None of his memories were his own; they were that of his former self. In truth, he has never really lived, and he realizes that. He ran because he was afraid, not because he hates you," I really wished that to be true…
---
Asuka's Room – One Month Later – 8:00 PM
I gently caress my now notably pregnant stomach. I never thought that I'd be the one to go through this – to be a single mother. After this long, I thought Shinji to be dead, a druggie, or at best living a normal life away from me. All that I knew at this point is that he was gone… I guess it's for the better. I missed him, that much was true, but I also wanted him to be happy, and I knew that he wasn't happy with me. How could he be? He was about to be thrown into a relationship he never started, and on top of that, he was a father to be. Who would want to stay in that? I don't blame him for it, I don't hate him for it, and I don't have any feelings towards him aside from love. No matter what he did or IS doing, I love him.
Five months from now I'll be a mother… a single, teenage mother. I was always fine with the teenage part, only because I knew that'd I would be with Shinji… but now I have nothing. I haven't spoken to Cass or Sam in about a week now, hell; I haven't even come out of my room in a week. I was starting to run out of food in the fridge, I would have to come out eventually. For the mean time though, I enjoyed this seclusion. I just wanted to be alone, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I didn't want to see anyone… I just wanted to be alone.
Suicide has crossed my mind on a daily basis. I have even picked up that same bottle a few times, but I couldn't force myself to even take one. I've done enough harm to this child; I won't inflict more damage onto it. That is if it wasn't already either brain dead or simply dead. Well, I know it's not dead, I can faintly see my stomach starting to grow, even this early in the pregnancy. Akagi said that after I got shot, my uterus had to be moved slightly forward, so I'll look pregnant sooner than last time. I really didn't care, how I looked doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't have any drive what so ever. When I sleep, I sleep for at least ten hours. Why get up when you're going to get up to nothingness? I spent my days staring at the ceiling and nothing else. TV was meaningless, it would only depress me further. News of the war raging in Germany, random crimes around Japan, world news, none of it was interesting to me anymore. I only got up out of my bed to make food for myself and stretch my muscles. I haven't taken a shower in three days now, mainly because of the fact that I didn't want to have the feeling of an external force on my skin. I don't want contact of any kind… none at all.
After the fourth day, Cass gave up trying to get through to me. He would spend countless hours outside my door waiting for me to come out. A few nights he actually slept out there waiting for me, but I refused to come out. It's been ten days since I've heard his voice – a voice for that matter. Shinji's voice would haunt me in my dreams every now and then, but I could never understand him. Only lately was I able to actually hear him when I was awake. Insanity? No, far from it. I only heard him because I wanted to so badly that my mind did just that for me. This morning when I woke up, I could have sworn that I saw him lying next to me for a split second. Maybe I was going insane, it's not like it mattered. Maybe then I'd be free from the anguish of living on day to day. I pray for death every night before I fall asleep. I literally pray to God for death. I haven't prayed sense I was in Germany… and when I finally start again, it was for death. I wanted him to take it from me, because I sure as hell couldn't do it on my own.
"Out of Zion shall come forth a law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem Nation shall not raise sword against nation, and they shall not learn war anymore, for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken." That was always the quote that I'd recite. I felt that it had to do with the exact instance with what happened at the beach. The truth was the law being carried, and Shinji did not raise the sword to it. He didn't fight it, he simply ran away from it. There was no longer a war in his mind, he knew the truth, and whether or not he decided to accept it was his own choice. The mouth of the Lord hath spoken… I was the one to tell him…
These days dragged on like years, each day was filled with anguish, hatred, sadness, and mourning. There was no happiness in my life anymore. There never was. I was falling deeper and deeper into depression by the hour, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. I let my head fall to the side and see – sitting in the chair – a young boy. Gahiji. He had his right leg crossed over his left and he held his knee with a smile. He simply stared at me smiling for a good five minutes before fading away into nothingness. My mind was playing tricks on me again. What's new? Though seeing him was new, actually seeing figures wasn't. I've seen Shinji walk across my room countless times now, only to fade into the wall, never passing so much as a glance at me. I've heard Dietlinde crying a few times, I would look across the room to the source of the sound to see a bloody crib. Though I knew that none of it was real, it still brought a tear to my eye to see that. I look to Shinji's side of the bed to see him sleeping next to me. His arm was draped across my hips, but I didn't feel anything. For less then a tenth of a second, I saw half of his head disappear to show his innards before disappearing completely.
"Asuka?" there he was again… I hear a knocking at the door, but I don't bother to get up, "Asuka, can I come in?" his voice was so warm… I loved it. After a few seconds I see the door open to show him in the same clothes he left me on. He had a five-o-clock shadow covering his face like a blanket, but he still smiled even through his ragged exterior. He walked to my bedside and sat down. He began to stroke my hair as I looked up at him. I could actually feel this… maybe I am going insane. My senses are basically useless now. I hear things, I see things, and now I'm feeling things that aren't there. I close my eyes and simply wait for him to disappear like the others. But he didn't. Hours passed with him at my side, all the while him stroking my hair. Suddenly, I feel him kiss my forehead. He softly whispered in my ear, "I'm back Asuka…"
"Shinji's gone…" the first time I've used my voice in two weeks now, and it sounded horrid.
"No I'm not, I'm right here, I'll always be here… and nothing will ever change that…"
A/N- Not much at all I can say here. Just see what happens in the next chapter; His Warmth, until then, keep on keepin' on!