Chapter 5: The secrets of… wait, didn't we know this already?
On the way to the museum, Tea started asking questions.
"So," Tea said, "What were we doing before we were talking about puppies?"
"Talking about kitties!" Yami said quickly.
"OH! I JUST LOOOOOVE KITTIES!" Tea squealed. "Okay! One more question: Who are you, and who am I?"
Yami turned red. "Oops."
… what did you do NOW?
-All right, I may have put a little too much effort into that whole mind erase thing, and I'm not exactly a pro at it, and I was under a lot of pressure…-
… … … … … … You erased her whole mind, didn't you?
-Well, she still loves small furry animals, so not the WHOLE thing. Just everything that makes her an individual, like memory and identity.- Yami thought, mentally shrugging.
That's BAD, Yami.
-Oh, I don't know. She doesn't seem too different, actually!- "Hey, Tea!" he said out loud.
"Who?"
"You."
Tea's eyes lit up. "My name is TEA! How wonderful!" her eyes then narrowed. "For some reason, I have this vague feeling that you're a jerk,"
"Um… friendship!"
"OH, I JUST LOOOOOVE FRIENDSHIP!" Tea bubbled.
-See? Nobody will notice!-
What about when she encounters people she's known her whole life, and they know her and SHE doesn't know them?! HOW WILL WE HIDE THAT, HUH?!
"Hey, Tea!" Yami said.
"Who? Oh, wait, I'M Tea! That's SO COOL!"
"Yeah, cool, but wait… How do you feel about people you don't know?"
"OH, I JUST LOOOOOOOOOVE PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW! Every single person is a potential friend!" Tea practically shrieked. "Oh, except you. I still have this feeling that I don't like you."
Alright, apparently memories DON'T matter too much. And she knows she's mad at you! This is going pretty well. Yugi took back over, and Tea immediately ran over and hugged him.
"WOW! You're DIFFERENT! THAT'S GREAT! It's our differences that make us unique! You should be so happy to be different from that other guy! Also, I don't like him, but you're okay." Tea said simply.
"Um… yeah, okay, that's good. Now, we need to go to the museum…"
"OH, I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MUSEUMS!" Tea screamed.
After a rather exhausting walk (Apparently Tea also LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED squirrels, trees, manhole covers, taxis, pedestrians, and benches, and she was not at all shy about sharing her feelings about them.) The duo (Or trio, technically) arrived at the museum. And standing nearby the front door, in the shadows…
"Bakura? What are you doing here… UNLESS you are ACTUALLY the foul spirit of the Tomb Robber of Ancient Egypt, come forth to seek information about my past to better lay a vicious trap for me!" Yami said accusingly.
"What? Oh, no. I just like hanging around museums after dark. It's a hobby." Bakura said.
" 'Bakura'?" Tea asked. "Oh, you have a name TOO! That is SO COOL!"
"Um… yeah. Hi, Tea…"
"YOU KNOW ME?! THAT MEANS WE'RE FRIENDS! I JUST LOOOOOOOOVE HAVING FRIENDS!" Tea roared.
Bakura's eyes widened. "Is she feeling okay?"
"She's having an off day. We were just about to go into the museum to gain ancient knowledge and such… wanna come?"
Evil Bakura smirked. "Why of course! Ancient knowledge is never a BAD thing, and besides, you might drop your guard for long enough for a well placed knife thrust! Let's go on in!"
"You walk in front, both hands visible at all times," Yami ordered.
"Oh, is he gonna try and murder you? Because, y'know, murder is WRONG. Even if I don't like you. And I don't." Tea informed everyone present.
And so, the erstwhile group entered and descended the staircase, eventually coming upon the very same exhibit that Kaiba had come across not so long ago. Inside, Isis sat. As soon as the door opened, she said calmly "Greetings, Yami. Yes, that is your EEEK!" Because of course, the first person into the room wasn't Yami, but Evil Bakura. "YOU are NOT supposed to be here! You're one of the bad guys! BE YE GONE FROM THIS SACRED PLACE, DARK DEFILER! OUT! OUT WITH YE!" she shouted, preparing to do battle with a very confused Evil Bakura.
"NO!" Yami shouted, shoving Bakura out of the way. "I'm here! I'm here! Don't burn anything down or smash anything, PLEASE! Just impart wisdom so we can move on with the plot!"
"Ah, welcome Yugi and Yami! I am Isis Ishtar." a reassured Isis said, pleased to see the object of her wisdom-imparting.
Yugi came out, looking dumbfounded. "It's a pleasure to meet you, miss Ishtar but… 'Yami'? Who is 'Yami'?"
"THAT is the name of the Spirit of the Puzzle!"
Tea's eyes widened. "Yugi, Yami, Isis? YOU ALL HAVE NAMES TOO?! That is SO COOL!"
-Yugi, you already knew that! And why'd you say 'pleased to meet you'? You've met her before!-
Wow… your name is Yami, spirit!
-NO?! Ya don't say?! Because I thought my name was PHIL! OF COURSE MY NAME IS YAMI! I TOLD YOU THAT MYSELF!-
"But that is not all! Isis told him. "He is also a LEGENDARY PHARAOH from five THOUSAND YEARS AGO! You see, during the time of the Shadow Games, it was Yami who sealed their magic away inside the Millennium Items! But to do so, he had to face an evil wizard, who was the descendant of Kaiba!"
Silence.
Yugi's Thoughts: Oh, sweet god! The Spir… I mean, Yami, is a pharaoh! I NEVER would have guessed! It's such a remarkable revelation! And not only that, he's a legendary hero of incredible power! I would never, ever, ever, ever have even considered that such a remarkable and unbelievable saga could be unfolding before mine very eyes, in these modern times!
Yami's Thoughts: … … … … Didn't I know all that before?
Tea's Thoughts: WOW! I Can't BELIEVE that everybody here has a name! That's so COOL! Well, except for Yami. For some reason I just think he's a huge jerk. Hey… that Yugi is pretty cute. And he's not a huge jerk like Yami! He's shorter, and cuter, too! Maybe I can get together with HIM!
Evil Bakura's Thoughts: Hmmmmmm… If a pharaoh who has no children or relatives dies, does the tomb robber who stabbed him to death with a barbecue fork get his kingdom? Well, no reason not to try!
Bakura's Thoughts: I like walruses!
(Mental Silence)
-What the hell is wrong with you? Walruses? We just got a massive revelation about the very nature of the magic that has shaped all our lives for years, and the first thing that pops into your mind is 'hey, walruses'?- Evil Bakura asked in disbelief.
Hey! None of the others had THEIR thoughts interrupted!
-THEIR thoughts weren't so stupid! WALRUSES?!-
I happen to like walruses. If I could pick one animal to have as a pet, it would be a walrus.
-But why NOW?!-
What? You don't like walruses?
-I have nothing AGAINST them, but there is a time and place for considering the implications of owning one, and it ISN'T after massively important knowledge is unveiled!-
… … I also like unicorns.
-Oh, sweet Ra…-
I would name my unicorn 'Starbreeze', and ride it to the store every day to buy walrus food.
-You just may be the biggest sissy I have ever met.-
Because, you know, the walrus has to eat.
-I got that part.-
The unicorn could just eat grass, but I'd need to buy things to feed the walrus.
-What part of 'I got that' didn't you comprehend?-
But, I'd need Unicorn insurance. You know, in case something happened to my unicorn.
-Out of every person in the entire world, out of six BILLION people, I end up with a guy whose biggest concern is that his nonexistent unicorn might get stolen.-
It's not my BIGGEST concern, but I'm sure a unicorn would be really expensive and… HEY! Where'd everybody go?
At some point in this conversation, everyone else had simply left the Bakuras standing around thinking at each other. To make matters worse, they had turned off the lights and locked the door behind them.
Oh, dear.
-Wonderful. Wonder-#(#&-ful. We're locked in. And it's all your fault. You and your #(&# unicorn.-
Ah, I know! We can spend the night here! We can stay up late into the night, telling 'manly' stories and singing fun songs! It'll be a bonding experience.
-There is no word in any language known to man to describe exactly how much I hate you. Luckily, I made up my own some time ago, and it applies here. I completely, totally nolfeela you.-
Oh, you know you love me.
-If I could kill you without killing me…-
-Well, Yugi, I hope you learned something today.-
I DID! I learned YOU were a PHARAOH! I had NO IDEA! I'm just so…
-Oh, not THAT! I knew all that. I've told you that before. You've been calling me Yami the entire story. I meant that you should have learned NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. We nearly died, and I should think that would be sufficient proof to you that the world outside the cube is dangerous. We need to go home, and never, ever leave again.-
Really? Ah, I guess I'll have to throw out that invitation to the tournament…
-… invitation to the what now?-
Oh, we got an invitation to a mysterious tournament in the mail today. It said to meet in the town square if you wanted to compete, but I guess we won't…
-ARE YOU (&# INSANE?! Why, the fate of the world could be at stake! We have to join! TOURNAMENT, HO!-
But I thought…
-Maybe you didn't hear me. TOURNAMENT, HO!-
I thought you were afraid of being outside. You know that evil will be at this.
-Yugi, there are certain things more important than your own life, and Duel Monsters is one of them. Now, we go onward, to my… our… destiny, as the complete and total champion of the universe!-
And so it was that he (Oh, Tea was there too. But I figure that Yugi, Yami, and Tea together probably add up to one brain, total, so 'he' sounds right) set forth towards the location of the tournament. Once there, they found Rex Raptor (the biggest loser on the show) Weevil (the SCARIEST loser on the show) and good 'ol Mako, who was eating fish. These fish had, of course, been caught by Mako at the beach, as he was swimming. Mako loved eating fish, which he caught while swimming (Which he also loved) at the beach (Which he loved as well).
Mako, bless his soul, was very single-minded.
But there were some new faces, as well: Espa Roba, who was renowned as 'The Greatest Psychic in the- shhhhhhhh! I'm trying to pretend to be psychic, Steve! Stop talking into the headset so loud! I already know what's in his hand, I heard you the first time! I think he can hear you talking! You guys need to be quiet, or he'll hear you and figure out I'm cheating!- World'. He was well known for using his incredibly annoying voice to distract people from the fact that voices could be heard coming from beneath his hair. There were also some SANE duelists, who of course don't matter and would be wiped out in the first round, in addition to:
"Hey, Mai!" Yugi said cheerfully. "Long time no see!"
"My? My what? I don't have anything." Tea said.
"… … Is she feeling okay?" Mai asked.
"OH! WOW! YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME! HOW FRIENDLY AND WONDERFUL! MY NEW FRIEND!" Tea shouted, crushing Mai in an enormous bear hug. Mai began to turn an interesting shade of blue.
"Ack… crushing spine… can't breathe…" she gasped out.
"How nice!" Tea said, seemingly oblivious to the fact Mai didn't seem happy about these things she was choking out.
Yugi pointed off into a random direction and shouted "Hey, look! A hamster!"
Tea instantly dropped her 'new' friend, who began taking in grateful lungfuls of air. "Oh, I just LOOOOOOOOOOVE hamsters!" Tea squeaked, sprinting off in search of said rodent.
Mai looked scared. "I see Tea's still healthy. How have you been doing?"
"Same as usual."
"That bad?"
"You know it. Hey, any idea who's throwing this thing?"
"Well, the invitation came addressed to 'vile embezzling bitch', so I think it's Kaiba. He apparently found out about some company funds I borrowed, and didn't take it overly well,"
Quite suddenly, every light in the entire city went out, and dozens of spotlights shone into the air… onto a blimp emblazoned with the KaibaCorp. sigil. Every T.V. in the entire city, even the ones that were turned off, showed Kaiba's face. Smirking viciously, the world champion prepared to give what was certain to be an inspiring, deeply brilliant speech. He opened his mouth and said:
"… … … … … … … … … … … … …" Total silence. His mouth moved, but no noise came out.
"HUH?" The crowd asked.
"::CLICK::! Sorry, my microphone was turned off. As I was saying, WELCOME to Domino… but Domino is a very boring place. So much more importantly, welcome to my tournament!
"Now, this tournament will be a little different from other tournaments you may have seen in your wasted lives. It's an EXTREME tournament, and as such has many EXTREME new rules! For instance, any duelist who loses a match will be shot in the face."
Just then, a remarkable thing happened. A large piece of wood, probably a baseball bat, descended onto the screen and hit Kaiba in the head with a loud ::thunk!::. "OW! MOKUBA, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"
From off screen, Mokuba Kaiba's voice could be heard, saying, "Tell them the REAL rules!"
"That was one of the real rules!"
::THUNK!:: "The rules we AGREED on!"
"OW! Alright, alright… any duelist who loses a match will 'give up their rarest card'," Kaiba said sarcastically. He then mouthed, very obviously so all the contestants could see, And by give up your card, I mean be SHOT in the FACE.
::THUNK!::
"OW! Oh, alright. Give up card. Sure. Next: You will need six 'locator cards' to find the finals. At the end of the tournament, any duelist who does not have these cards will be rounded up by my elite death squads and killed!"
::THUNK!::
"OW! Heh, heh… I mean, will have to watch the finals on T.V.!" Kaiba said, trying to stem the flow of blood from his head. But once again, he mouthed to the crowd: You think I'm joking? You don't win those cards, you'd sure as hell better get out of town before they find you…
::THUNK!::
"Ow… oh… I'm starting to get dizzy here… finally… you must also… use my new, even more confusing DuelDisc. It's… very pretty… and when you lose lifepoints, it basically just beats the crap out of you. Oh and… I realize that this sounds a little weird, but if anyone happens to have a giant stone coffin marked all over with hieroglyphics, please bring it to the finals. I'd love to tell you why… but to tell the truth, I really don't know. Now, go home, and prepare, because in ONE week, my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B tournament begins!"
The duelists, who had been cheering, or muttering, or even making jokes about Kaiba, all said the exact same thing:
"HUH?"
"His WHAT tournament?" Mai asked.
"… How do you even say that?" Yugi wondered.
-okzxcmbxz?- Yami thought.
"Were there even any vowels in that?" Weevil inquired.
"Oky…kiss…tineec…" Rex said, trying to pronounce it.
"Okay, I've talked to the celestial spirits of the universe… and they have NO idea what he just said," Espa Roba said.
"… is that some kind of fish?" Mako wondered. Mako was rather single-minded.
On the screen, the bat descended several more times (::THUNK::THUNK::THUNK::THUNK!::). Kaiba, apparently unconscious, fell out of the view, and Mokuba entered. "Testing… testing… is this thing on? Okay, guys: Sorry. I'd like to apologize for my brother. The tournament is called Battle City. No, we won't kill the losers. Yes, it is in a week, and yes you do need the DuelDisc 2, so get one. No, there are no death squads. See you there,"
At this point, Mokuba's image disappeared from the screen, but his voice kept coming a few seconds later: "God, what a disaster… what did I tell you about letting Seto make announcements?! I told you DON'T, that's what! I swear, you are OUT of this company tomorrow! Did you think those death squads were a joke?! After this fiasco, you're lucky I don't send them after YOU! What? What? Speak up, dammit! The mic is still… WHAT THE #(&# DO YOU MEAN THE MIC IS STILL ON?! TURN IT OFF, BEFORE I ::CLICK::!"
The crowd just stared at the screen in absolute silence for several minutes.
"So… see you all in a week?" Yugi said, unsurely.
"YUGI! I FOUND THE HAMSTER!" Tea said, coming back with one of Espa's little brothers in a headlock.
Back at the cube, Yugi had a thought. Hey, Yami? What do you think that thing about the sarcophagus was all about?
Yami mentally shrugged. -Well, we know Kaiba is a lunatic… hey, we got mail!-
The two of them went to their mailbox, and when they opened it, a massive stone coffin flew out. -HOLY HELL!- Yami shouted, mentally jumping.
On the top of the sarcophagus, there was a sticky note that read:
Dear Yugi/Yami,
Hi! How are you? I'm good. This contains a piece of something so utterly terrible that if it were ever recombined into one item it would shatter the universe with its evil. Well, probably. I've never looked inside. I gave Seto a piece the other day, and I also got one for you. Please carry it around with you, and keep it away from the forces of darkness. See you guys for dinner next week!
-Isis
-Carry it around? How? That thing HAS to weigh two thousand pounds!-
Yugi looked from the mailbox, to the sarcophagus, and back to the mailbox. "How did she get it IN there?" he wondered.
When you consider how fast I threw this together, I really like how it turned out! Tune in next time for the first interlude, starring (Because YOU demanded it!) Bakura! Both of him!