Special Bonus Interlude: The Dark and Sinister Origin of Evil Bakura! (Now digitally remastered!)
Ohhhhhh, I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the Kings of England and I quote the fights historical from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical... Bakura mentally sang.
-STOP, DAMMIT! I HATE that song, and you've been singing it for five HOURS!-
Oh... you want me to sing a different song! Oh, that old black magic has me in its spell, that old black magic that I know so well... I am the very model of a modern major general!
-Hate... hate... hate... hate... hate... hate... hate... hate...-
Do you want to make popcorn balls and share secrets about our feelings?
-SEARING hate...-
Oh, I know! Waffles!
-Why can't I die?-
Yami, I've had such fun! Getting locked in this museum has been such a bonding experience! We've sung fun songs... well, I've sung them... and we've talked about our feelings... granted, the only feelings YOU'VE talked about are anger and hatred...I wish we could do this all the time!
-Why, what a coincidence! I wish that you would just #$ DIE.-
Oh, you know you love me.
-I hope you get hit by a truck.-
I'm your favorite person in the whole world!
-... are you deaf, or just an unbelievable moron? You, out of EVERYONE, are the single living entity I despise the most. I pray each and every day that some benevolent deity will banish your worthless soul to the depths of the hellish pit you most certainly deserve, leaving my body my OWN once again.-
... It's my body. And YOU deserve the hellish pit.
-Semantics.-
Why do you even hate me so much? I mean, I've never done anything to you. I'm a personable person. You use my body to kill and steal, and I never complain. What is your problem with me?
-Well, part of it is just principle. You're a sickening, pitiful, idiotic twerp.-
I am NOT idiotic!
-Also, I'm black, twisted, and evil, and take no pleasure in life except pleasure derived from harming others.-
Hard to argue with that.
-But for the most part, you are an impediment in my quest to claim the ULTIMATE POWER that is my DESTINY!-
Alright, that's a step. But, what do you mean your 'destiny'?
-Oh, NOW you've done it. You've unleashed the ultimate evil.-
W-w-w-w-w-hat?
-The only way to explain my destiny is to tell you of my ancient past. And the only way to do THAT is...-
No. Oh NO! Please, God no!
-A CHAPTER-LONG FLASHBACK!-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-STOP YOUR WHINING! YOU UNLEASHED THIS DARKNESS, AND NOW YOU MUST SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!-
Flashback:
I was born in the heart of Thebes, capitol of Ancient Egypt, to a poor family.
E. Bakura: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
E. Bakura's Father: WOMAN! Shut that stupid little freak up! I'm trying to watch the game!
E. Bakura's Mother: But T.V. hasn't been invented yet! Besides, he's only thirty seconds old!
E. Bakura's Father: ... He? Damn, that means we have to keep him!
Despite my father's inherent evil, my mother was a caring, compassionate woman, and I turned to picking pockets in order to provide for her. Unfortunately...
E. Bakura: I managed to steal three hundred dinarii at the market! We'll have plenty of food for a while, mom!
E. Bakura's Father: (Takes money) Give me that, you little twerp! Prostitution hall, here I come!
E. Bakura: ... what makes you such an incredible jackass?
E. Bakura's Father: Oh, I hate you because I wanted a daughter.
E. Bakura: Why?
E. Bakura's Father: I could have SOLD her! Instead I have to keep you around, when I really hate you!
E. Bakura's Mother: Honey, stop, you'll give him a complex.
E. Bakura's Father: Oh, come on, like this kid wasn't going to go nuts before he was fifteen in any case.
When I reached my teens, I turned to more impressive thievery in order to survive.
E. Bakura: (On a thievery) Hee, hee, hee... I'm actually going to steal the legendary golden cat of Anubis right out of its owner's palace!
Owner of the Legendary Gold Cat of Anubis: (Waking up) hmmmmm... heh? A THIEF! Five hundred lethal assassins! KILL HIM!
Five Hundred Lethal Assassins: ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
E. Bakura: (Running) There has GOT to be someone to rob who won't fight back! ...hey, tombs!
It was then I realized: If you rob CORPSES, they don't try to stop you! And thus was born the greatest tomb robber in Egyptian history. I could rob any tomb, with the greatest of ease!
E. Bakura: (Robbing a tomb) Wow, I do this with the greatest of ease!
And yet, hard times fell on my family. My father sold my mother to Babylonians to buy a new camel.
E. Bakura's Father: (Patting the camel's neck, proudly) It gets thirty furlongs to the bale of hay!
To make matters worse, my reputation and growing wealth made my greedy father jealous of my success.
E. Bakura's Father: Son, I've noticed that you are rapidly growing in wealth and reputation, and that your skills in your trade are unsurpassed.
E. Bakura: Why, thank you father! I must admit, we've never been close, but you ARE my father, and I think that we should try to patch up our torn past. We may never like each other, but I think we can come to share a familial bond and respect that can...
E. Bakura's Father: However, I'm jealous of your success, and I hate you. I hope you die, and I'll certainly be doing my best to insure that happens soon.
E. Bakura: ... How did a man like you ever attract a woman to procreate with in the first place?
E. Bakura's Father: I'm told that I LOOK wealthy, even though in fact I'm an impoverished, philandering creep.
E. Bakura: How is it no one has killed you yet?
E. Bakura's Father: I usually kill them first. Watch your back, scum.
The animosity between myself and my father grew, until one day he attempted to kill me!
E. Bakura's Father: (Attempting to kill Evil Bakura) I am SO gonna kill you.
So I fed him to flesh-eating scarabs.
E. Bakura's Father: OH SWEET RA IT HURTS! THEY'RE EATING MY FLESH!
E. Bakura: Wow, I never thought scarabs actually DID eat people! You learn something new every day!
With that last chain to my past broken, I was finally free to fulfill my full potential. The night became my territory, and all of Egypt became easy prey for my thieving hand.
E. Bakura: (In a hot tub, wearing about six pounds of jewelry, with one woman hanging on each arm) Evil Bakura is in the HIZ-OUUUUUUUUSE!
I was at the highest echelons of the criminal world, and all others who practiced the art of theft knew my name.
E. Bakura: (Driving by on his tricked-out 2004 (B.C.) Lamborghini Chariot)
Thug 1: Yo, who dat?
Thug 2: Dat be da B-dawg, homes. He robs the tizzle for rizzle, yo.
Thug 1: He robs da tombs?
Thug 2: For real, bizzatch
Thug 1: Ya know, I think I'm down with dat.
Thug 2: Word.
I stole the most valuable sacred treasures for sport. Even the most cunningly hidden wealth was simple prey for my superior mind.
Egyptian #1: That goddamn tomb robber took my gold!
Egyptian #2: Really? Where'd you hide it?
Egyptian #1: Well, I hid half of it in a highly visible and conspicuous safe. The other half I hid inside a jar marked 'Not Hidden Gold'.
Egyptian #2: No... no WAY.
Egyptian #1: Oh, believe it.
Egyptian #2: I mean, the safe I can understand, but he found the gold in the jar, too?
Egyptian #1: Oh, we're dealing with a real pro, here.
E. Bakura: (Hiding in the shadows, shaking his head almost sadly) Ancient Egyptian security SUCKS.
But I quickly grew bored. No target was worthy to be stolen by me, except for one challenge... the very palace of the Pharaoh himself!
E. Bakura: Alright, now I can make my try for the legendary wealth of the Pharaoh, Yami the First. Mmmmmmmmm... wealth. (Drools)
The Palace was a place of tremendous wealth: Everything I had ever stolen would barely equal the worth of a single room in that castle. And as such it was also the most dangerous of targets, guarded by over a thousand vicious, elite soldiers; with its treasure rooms secured behind hundreds of traps designed to destroy any who sought to trespass. Hundreds of thieves had attempted to steal the treasure of the Pharaoh; none had even come close. Every last one had died a horrible, painful death and been fed to starving, rabid jackals. As I think about it now, I have no idea what gave me the courage to attempt this robbery...
E. Bakura::HIC!:: I am SOOOOOOOO drunk.
I slowly infiltrated the palace, taking care to avoid each and every one of the dangerous traps. I was tested as never before...
E. Bakura: (Strolling down a hallway, making absolutely no effort to avoid anything and walking in plain sight) I can't believe I lucked on to the 'Changing of the Traps', when all the traps are turned off! And the guards are outside having a picnic! Ancient Egyptian security ::HIC!:: SUCKS!
I penetrated to the heart of the Palace, and it was there that I found an artifact of more value than the entire rest of the palace... the Mighty and mystical Millennium Ring! I, of course, recognized immediately its great potential...
E. Bakura::HIC!:: Oooooh, shiny... (Puts it on)
But just then, I was discovered.
Yami: (Singing) Oooooh, I am the very model of a modern major-general... Hey, you aren't supposed to be in here!
E. Bakura: YOU ::HIC!:: had better be careful... I got this RING, and it's got (Makes 'spooky' hand motions) maaaaaagical powers.
Yami: Yes. Yes it does. But on the other hand, I have the almighty, unlimited power of the pharaoh, which makes the magic of the Ring seem as though it were only a tiny drop of water compared to a massive flood covering all the land.
E. Bakura: I am SOOOOOOOO drunk.
Yami: It shows. (Kills E. Bakura)
End Flashback
-And you see, in that fateful confrontation I was destroyed and my soul imprisoned in this Ring! And that, Bakura, is why I'm so evil and spiteful.-
That's... nice... but you were supposed to be telling me about why ultimate power is your 'destiny'.
-OOOOOOH! THAT! Well...-
Flashback
E. Bakura: Ultimate power is really cool!
End Flashback
... ... ... ... That's it? All the evil plots, the murder, the theft... It's all about some whim you just sort of had one day?
-What? Ultimate power IS really cool. Women love it.-
Well, I suppose so... I guess by now, I shouldn't be surprised by anything you do. Hey, do you realize what this means? We actually bonded here!
-I... I... I... I... you know, I guess we kind of did. It wasn't so bad, actually... my origin IS awfully cool. Hey, what's your origin?-
You... ::sniff:: You want to know my origin? Oh, that's so... so... so...
-I didn't ask for your emotional baggage. Just your origin.-
Okay, well...
Flashback
Just outside Smallville, Kansas, a spacepod bearing Bakura, last survivor of Krypton, crashed into a corn field...
End Flashback
-That was Superman's origin! I told you mine, now you tell me your real one!-
Okay, well...
Flashback:
The radioactive spider crawled down the pipe, preparing to sink its fangs into the unassuming Bakura...
End Flashback:
-YOU ARE NOT SPIDER-MAN! NOW TELL ME YOUR #()# ORIGIN!-
Okay, well...
Flashback
Dr. Kaufmann looked worried. "You do realize, Mr. Bakura, that the super-soldier serum has never been tested on a human being? It could very well kill you."
Bakura nodded bravely. "I know that, but I was too scrawny to be accepted by the military. This is the only way I'll be able to help America defeat the Nazis! Do it, doc!"
The doctor injected the serum into Bakura's arm... an arm that immediately began to grow.
End Flashback
-You aren't even AN American, much less CAPTAIN America! NOW TELL ME YOUR DAMN ORIGIN!-
Okay, well...
Flashback
Bakura, the mightiest general in the history of the world, gazed out at the sands, stained red by the blood of the fifty-thousand warriors he had slain with his unbelievable military skill. The sun glinted off his huge sword and the three-thousand pound armor he wore as though it were mere cotton...
End Flashback
-And THAT was just from your bullshit fanfic! For the absolute last time, I #(&# shared, now YOU have to #(&# share before I rip your #(&# heart out!-
Alright, alright! I was born in Liverpool, England. I went to private schools, and had loving parents. But one thing always dominated my mind... as I went about my life, I focused only on one thing, and all the people in my life drove me onward. Do you know what they told me, Yami?
-That you were destined to hold the Millennium Ring and eventually guide the fate of the universe?-
No... they told me that I... AM the very model of a modern major-general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the Kings of England and I quote the fights historical from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, about binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse! Bakura cheerfully sang.
-YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!-Evil Bakura screamed, and attempted to spiritually strangle his soulmate.